The Day I Died - Here for the Experience

Now almost twenty years later I clearly see how much I almost missed.

I almost gave up the greatest gifts life was to give me.

I almost missed out on a husband who taught me what being loved really felt like.
I almost missed out on four beautiful, smart, and funny children.
I almost missed sharing my life with two dogs who bring light and laughter to my life.
I almost missed out on the amazing friends I share my life with today.
I almost out on so many adventures
I almost missed out on finding my true passions

There have been ups, and there have been downs but there has been LIFE. My life is far from what most people think of when they think of abundance, but for me, just knowing it is filled with love and good people is enough. I am blessed to still be here, and I don't want to waste a moment of that blessing.

On that day, when I was just 19 years old I was ready to give up on life. As far as I could see, there was no future. I had no hopes or dreams to keep me going...

I am NEVER giving up again...

There are many things in life I nearly missed out on, so many adventures still to be had.

One of the things I have always wanted to do was to see the world.

I have always dreamed of traveling, but it's not just the traditional tourists sites I want to see. I want to see the culture behind the community. I want to meet the real people who make up the population. I don't want to read the newspapers and tourist brochures, I want to live it.  
Image from Foxnews.com

Much of what draws me to a particular area is the history. I love old buildings, antique fixtures, a glimpse into another time. While many people travel to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, I'd rather walk down the streets and admire the houses, I'd like to visit the cemeteries, to see the things time has left behind.

I've actually been to San Francisco as a day tourist twice, but I still feel like I have missed something important. While I did get lost and ended up walking through China Town at 4 AM, I still feel like I only got a glimpse of what really makes San Francisco such a magical place.

Sure, I'd like to see New York someday, but my interest really lies on Broadway. I love musicals, I love plays, I love the theater. I have always wanted to see a live play on Broadway, my top choice would have been RENT but I don't really care which one it is. My youngest daughter and I are planning a trip to Broadway for her High School graduation.

As a girl raised in the west, I have always been fascinated with the east. I had an opportunity to spend my young childhood there, I even went through the required shots but never got to go. I hope to take my son to visit Japan for his High School graduation trip, so we can experience it together.

I love all things British. The British just seem far more laid back than Americans. While they are still focused on progress, they haven't tossed the old ways out entirely. The architecture and culture once again draw me, but not as much as the wonderful people I have met who have been kind enough to share their country with me.

Another place on my travel list is Germany, I was born in a Germany but left when I was seven months old. My oldest daughter is currently finishing High School just 100 miles from where I was born. So Germany holds a special place in my heart for many reasons.

I still haven't quite decided what I want to be when I grow up. I've held a lot of jobs, but none of them filled the place inside of my that my volunteer work fills. I find far more joy in volunteer work than any paid job I've ever had, though I have very little to show for it financially the rewards are far greater than money.

I hated school when I was young, but I've discovered that I never want to stop learning new things. I'm an information junkie, and have decided I will probably spend the rest of my life enrolled in one course or another.

I've taken as many courses as I can, some for credit others just for the experience but my ultimate goal is to obtain a PhD in psychology.

Other areas I would like to study: Law and the Legal System, Art, Literature, Philosophy...

I have always been attracted to foreign languages. From the rapid fire speech patterns of Spanish to the romantic purr of French, from the deep and guttural solidity of German to the song-like voice of Latin I love them all.

If I could learn only one foreign language it would be French, but I'd like to learn the basics of as many languages as I can.

History too fascinates me, by understanding the past we can understand the present, and sometimes the future. History does have a way of repeating itself and only those who are open to learning the lessons presented in history can avoid making the same mistakes.

Though I was born in Germany, I grew up in small town America. There are many facets that make up my own culture. My family background is Celtic on my mother's side, Hispanic on my father's, this is part of who I am. My family is by and large of the Christian faith, this too is part of who I am. I am an American female, and this too is part of my culture.

Yet my culture is not the only one out there, there are so many things that shape the way a person thinks, what they see as right and wrong. What is frowned on in my culture may be expected in another, what one culture may see as necessary another might claim is barbaric.

Though I have always lived in a small town, I am always aware of the larger world outside of my small corner of the planet. I'd like to know as much as possible about cultures outside of my own, to understand them and learn what they have to teach.

Perhaps the greatest difference between man and beast is the power to dream. There are many things I dream of when it comes to my future.

What I dream of more than anything is just knowing that I have made a difference in this world. I want to change lives, to give people hope, to make this world a better place in whatever way I can.

When I close my eyes I see...

(source:etc.usf.edu/clipart)

I see myself standing before a group of people speaking words of hope, strength, courage. I see people saying they found true happiness and that I helped them do so in some small way.

(source: ©2000 Denise Van Patten - Doll Collecting at About.com)

I see someone holding a novel with my name on the cover, I see them laugh, I see them cry, I see them connect not just with the characters I have created but with themselves.

(source: www.clker.com)

I see a child no longer feeling scared or alone, daring to smile, daring to laugh, daring to love. I want to make the lives of children better in whatever way I can, even if it means just being willing to listen to them.

(source: Boshemia trying out the new bathtub!)

I almost missed so many wonderful things in life.

True, I also could have missed a bad marriage and subsequent divorce, but I would also have to give up the greatest blessings in my my life, my children.

I could have missed the abusive relationships, but I also would have missed the freedom that comes when you can finally stand up and say I am a victim no more.

I could have missed being raped, but those few minutes of my life defined so much of who I am today. I am a fighter, a survivor, and now an advocate.

I've been where other rape victims are now, I have faced the blame, accusations, fear, and doubt and I survived it, became stronger, more compassionate. I now have the strength to help them overcome.

I could have missed many bad things, but I would also have to miss so many good things.

I came so close to being just another teen suicide, someone that people talked about only in past tense. Someone they refer to as having so much unrealized potential, someone who made a selfish decision and left behind nothing but pain and sorrow.

I'm still here, and I'm still fighting. I don't want to miss a single moment of the life I have been given. I will live my life, I will not give up, and I will not give in. I will live my life to the fullest.

Nearly twenty years ago I thought the world would be better off without me, and I've had that thought many, many times since that day. I wanted to die for a very long time... now...

I want to laugh
I want to cry
I want to dance
I want to sing
I want to give
I want to grow
I want to love
I want to live

From here on out... I'm here for the experience.

(source: Boshemia)

I don't think I understood the real meaning of love until my newborn daughter was laid bare upon my breast. Newborns aren't supposed to lift their heads, but Brooke did, and for that moment she looked into my eyes then her wobbly little head fell back to my chest.

A connection was made and my whole life changed.

I knew love in that moment. Not the cheap imitation I had known in the past, but the real deal. I knew what it was to love someone wholly and without restraint.

In that moment I knew that unconditional love really was possible.

Nothing that child could ever do would make me stop loving her. This was a love that would last. As I watch my children grow that feeling comes over me more and more.

It was my children that helped me understand that life is defined not by what we own, where we work, or who we know, but by the very act of love itself. I don't know how long I will be here, I just know that I want every moment possible to be filled with love.

I have been blessed in abundance in that regard and I am constantly thankful for those who have loved me and allowed me to love them in return. My husband, my family, my friends... Blessed indeed.