Wife of a Porn Addict

When I first met my husband wow, he was "the one". Handsome, funny, spiritual. When I said I do, I never imagined what hardship our relationship would endure because of an addiction to porn. I remember one day, when we were newly married eating breakfast in a cafe, him confessing that he once had a problem with porn. It was one of the reasons his parents asked to move out at 17. He reassured me that he no longer had this problem. He just wanted me to know that he had struggled with porn in the past. I was taken back. I was so naive at the age of 20, I knew there were perverts in the world but I thought they were old sloppy men who were over weight. I just had this image of a pervert and my husband didn't fit that image.

The first time I discovered that his "problem" still existed was only months into our marriage. I remember that day. I trembled, my heart broke, & I cried. I was confused because this was his past according to his earlier confession. But here I stood with evidence in hand that it exist in the present. I confronted him, he said he would never do it again, fast forward almost 11 years and three children later, and here I stand realizing that my husband is still addicted to porn. Through out the years we have gone through cycles. I would find something, he would be clean for a period of time (or so I thought), till the next time I found something & the cycle continued.

How has this effected my marriage? It has stolen my husband from me. In result of his addiction, he has become incredibly irritated, moody, & angry, His behavior toward the children and I are unfavorable. He becomes depressed and has low self esteem. My husband the man I believed could hang the moon. My hero. He's fallen into a black hole. I know I can't change him, but I thought if I could some how love more, pray more, forgive more he would change. I have discovered that there is nothing I can do to help him. In fact I have hurt him by becoming his enabler. Although I believed otherwise all these years.

It has been difficult to find resources that deal with a sexual addition. I've bought material from the bible book store & from pure life ministries that has given me insight into the addiction, but I needed a resource for me, a wife of a porn addict. What am I suppose to do? What are the steps I have to take?... I do not want to give another minute of my life to an addict. I love him but he needs help. And that's where I am today... He either gets the help he needs and deserves or I am leaving (this time I am). I've said it hundreds of times before so I know he doesn't believe me. By staying I am hurting him by enabling him, I am hurting myself and my children.

I have come to the realization that I am his enabler, through a book that was given to me from a friend "Living with your Husband's Secret War". I highly recommend this book. It is by far the most helpful and insightful book I have read on the topic. It's a powerful book for woman married to a porn addict.

The reason I am blogging is to journal, begin my healing, and to stay accountable to myself and not get back into the enable/addict cycle. Also I am blogging to let other woman who are married to porn addict's know, you are not alone. There are other woman living with his secret struggle. There is help, healing, & restoration. It's frightening to stand up to this demon and say enough's enough. But enough is enough & it's time for change.

I am currently looking into a rental for myself and my three children. I hope that he will change, but I don't believe he will, not with me around always threatening to divorce him if he doesn't change and never following through. Only I can change my situation. If I don't want to live with a porn addict, I don't have to, I can move, I can change my situation. Scary? Yes. Doable? Yes. Will it be hard? Absolutely. But if I love him and if I respect myself. I must make decisions that will benefit my future and the future of my children no matter how painful it may be.

7/15/09
I didn't realize that it has been so long since I have journaled. Alot to catch up on. Fast forward a month and a half. I LEFT MY HUSBAND! I have filed for divorce! It is the most freeing experience. All this time I was contemplating because I was scared or because I was in hope we could work passed it. What finally did it? I reached my fork in the road. I looked down my fork another 10 years of marriage to this man or a new life. In ten years there is no way I want to give my life to him. He has been untrustworthy with the first 11 years I gave him. So with that decision I slowly started planning my exit. It only took one last argument that showed me truly where his heart is. Then I said, "you know what? No more". And that was it.

We have been separated for about 2 weeks now. I'm not in shambles. I am not sad. I admit I am disappointed that I have a failed marriage to add to my baggage but... there is NOTHING I could of done to make it a better marriage. I have read all the books, tried all the techniques, prayed, hoped, begged and nothing. I didn't have a partner. He hasn't told me he is sorry. He is not trying to come back home. To my suprise he is excepting what is. He for sure is in denial. He told me that his addiction didn't "define" him. That he is "not his addiction". I looked at him and said "your addiction may not define you, but it has define where you are in life and is the reason you are losing your family". You could see the anger flare up in his eyes. That comment made him a little aggitated. He would get like that anytime I would bring up his addiction and his need for recovery. I guess loosing his family is not his rock bottom. If that isn't, I don't know what is? But that is not my concern anymore.

There is a freedom in doing what you know you should no matter how scary it is. Having walked this path I can say don't wait like 11 years like I did to really confront him the right way (it's all in the book Living with His Secret Wars). Do it early. Had I not enabled him so long maybe just maybe he could of got the recovery he needed sooner and our marriage could of survived an addiction. But I waited too long. I did him a disservice and for that I am sorry. Because I love him and want the best for him. I thought standing by him meant tolerating his addictive behaviors. But it really means standing up for what is right no matter how painful. If you really love your spouse, boyfriend, son with an addiction you will stop enabling him. I guess the hard part is recognizing that you're enabling someone. I can not express enough how much the book His Secret Wars has helped me. I have read several books about this topic and none is more powerful then that one. That book gave me the tools to make a sound decision.

So I do believe this will be my last journal entry for now. I think I will create a discussion forum on my lens if I can find the right applications to help me with that. If you can relate to my story, need advice, perhaps a road map I encourage you to pick up the "Living with His Secret Wars" book right away! Feel free to comment here on my lens if you need to vent. Good luck to the women who are now in the shoes I once wore. (The old tattered shoes I have since thrown away. I hope you find your path and get a brand new pair of shoes :) )

In Strength and Truth.

5/28/09
I am kinda feeling lonely. For the moment things are fine, but I know that they're really not. It is just a matter of time. I've reached a ceiling in my marriage. There's no growth for my marriage to be had. So I guess I am greiving the opportunity to have a fulfilling marriage. I guess it's not in the cards for me. I married the wrong person. I know I can change my situation but it is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. For the moment I guess I have excepted that this is as good as it gets. Life and marriage is dandy for him, but for me it sucks. Not every moment of it, but my needs are not being met and as the days go on I'm becoming more and more numb. It makes me sad. I have been thinking about my life with out him. The grass isnt always greener, but maybe it is? I'm just in a really bad place within myself. I think my fork in the road is either except him terribly flawed and get over it and accept that he will never change, or get some guts and start caring about my own needs and make a change. A part of me feels selfish for wanting to leave him. I feel selfish because we have kids and because I feel like I am giving up. At this moment I feel sad. I feel lonely.

5/16/09
I was looking back on a journal I kept in '07. It made me realize I've been in pain for a long time. I'm writing about similar feelings and situations. It kind of of makes me feel stupid for being in the same boat for so long. My own decisions have kept my "married" life in a rut. I am content with every other aspect of my life except for my relationship with my husband. Who pretends to be clueless about why I feel the way I do. Maybe his is clueless, maybe he just doesn't care, or maybe he is just not listening? I hate to be a pessimist but I don't see us surviving this thing called marriage. I'm unhappy. Apparently he is unhappy too. Yet here we are going round and round together in this thing called life. I want to be happy and want to feel content. I want peace and I want to feel like me again. It seems like I can't let go or that I keep hoping and believing, like an idiot, that things will some how improve. I don't know why I sell myself a story. Perhaps because I went into marriage with the attitude of, thick and thin, better or worse, good times and bad. I guess I believe I signed up for life miserable or not. But a thought I have is that I hang in there time goes by I'm older he leaves me for a new and improved model you know? Then what I wasted 20-30 years of my life on a relationship that suffered all along the way? Having children doesn't help matters. My parents went through a divorce. It is so hard on the kids. I sure don't want them to go through that either. What to do? I guess there is only two choices; just deal with it and ride it out, or start a new life...hmmm.

5/9/09
So I have decided to start reading a book called Codependent No Longer. In fact a friend recommended it to me. I'm not sure if I am codependent or if I am just in a routine? I guess this book will be revealing. Knowing that I can't change him, I just need to work on me. I know that I do not want my married life to continue on the same path it has for the last 10 1/2 years. I have a lot of soul searching, praying, seeking direction to do. I am really confused. On one hand I love my husband and want to be with him, but on the other hand I can not stand his behavior and the destructive patterns. I believe we could have a more fulfilling relationship than we do now. I know he takes me for granted and in some ways I take him for granted too. I have to ask myself can I be with him another 10 years if nothing changes? The answer is no. Granted I do not want my family torn apart or to be alone but... I can't continue life this way. He spends more time learning the art of fly fishing and fly tying then he invest in our marriage. That's what furiates me. When he says he's going to read this or that to improve our marriage and he starts it but never finishes it. He makes all sorts of excuses. But... when his fishing magazines come in he finishes those cover to back. Or anything that interest him. I wonder why our marriage/ relationship doesn't interest him? In my journal you'll rarely hear the good things about him because this is where I come to vent, reflect, and think. There are plenty of good qualities in him. He just has character flaws that he fails to see or do anything about. But it's enough for me to throw in the towel. Thick and thin better or worse. I feel like if I give up I didn't fulfill my vows. But do I necessarily need to become a martyr for my marriage? I think if I don't leave him now, he will leave me later. Especially later, as I age, how could I ever be enough? I will definatley not look 20 when I'm 50! I don't trust that he wont want someone younger as we get older. Especially if he chooses to continue in his addiction. Do I want to not fully trust my husband with my life? I don't feel secure. I just want to be in a relationship that I can trust my husband with my life, feel secure, and loved. I don't believe I will ever have that with him at this point. Unless there is a miracle (and I do believe in miracles) then maybe we can have a second chance? But the miracle starts within him. I can will it or force it or make it happen. That is sooo frustrating because my hands are tied there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do.

5/4/09
I've let the cycle go full circle. AGAIN! Although there is not "real" change. We are not at odds for the moment. Like I mentioned before, he is reading a marriage book, but he is not technically in a recovery group. He can read all the marriage books he wants but until he is in a 12 step program it will be impossible for us. I say that because I recognize the cycle. I just experience the cycle making it full circle. I allowed it to go full circle. History always repeats itself. Now I really am a phony. Why will he believe me the next time when I say I'm going to leave? He didn't believe my this time. He WON'T believe me next time. Honestly, I am embarrassed writing this post. Just day's ago I was ready to "leave" him & I "meant" it. And today I am still here, less angry, yet in the same boat. Jeshhh... I'm an idiot! I am coming to realize that I really must be co-dependent. Although I love my husband and do not want to see my family torn apart, if I truly love my family wouldn't I want my husband to know I'm serious about him getting the help he needs so we can truly have peace and healing in our marriage & finally bury this demon once and for all?! What is wrong with me?

Ok, if you found my lens you are either a wife of a porn addict, a man seeking recovery, an addict in denial, or a single guy that just like to look at porn. Over the life of my lens I have read encouraging post and some cruel post. This message is for those of you who are leaving cruel messages...(by the way leave them if you will, but I will delete them, so don't even waste your time.)

Look up the word ADDICTION... That is what this lens is about. An addiction to porn. A REAL issue that causes REAL problems. Men all across the country are choosing paper and video woman over REAL woman. In this lens their wives. I am sick of hearing "it must be the wife's fault". To that I say shut the hell up you do not know what the F*ck you're talking about! I should know and my ex would tell you so as well. Our sex life was fantastic, porn stole it. Now he is isolated and lonely, and is no longer a man with a family. Sad.

He wants me back. He knows what he had...Do I think looking a porn is a "sin" or "bad"? No.. When it is a habitual problem that makes you unattached to real relationships, gives you depression, & the other symptoms that come along with an addiction then I think it's a problem.

My husband had a beautiful wife who enjoyed sex to the fullest. He traded it for porn. I read a stat the other day in a mag. Only like 47% (give or take) View porn on a regular basis. So what does that tell me? Not all men a pervs. Some men have values and standards that they keep themselves accountable to. Men of strength and self control. Who perhaps know what they have found in their wife. Who will do what ever they can to keep it that way.

I am not talking to the young single men. By all means go get a box of tissues. I am talking to you married men. Who once believed they found their jewel... their prize. Don't forget why you asked her to marry you. Remember what you have found in her. Spice it up if you need, reconnect, whatever. Treasure what you have. Or you too may be like my now ex husband; alone, miserable, sexless, with a stack of porn. What a trade off huh? Why can I say this? Because the man I once called my husband tells me what an ass he was for letting me get away, how beautiful I am, how lonely he is, and that he hates his life. But you know? He chose that. Not me.

To you men who are married with a porn addiction (note I said porn "addiction") Get the help you and your family deserve before it's too late. Maybe you have a chance to keep your life and family intact.

Good Luck.

Defined by Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction :

An addiction is an obsession, compulsion, or excessive psychological dependence, such as: drug addiction (e.g. alcoholism, nicotine addiction), problem gambling, ergomania, compulsive overeating, shopping addiction, computer addiction, video game addiction, pornography addiction, television addiction, etc.

In medicine, an addiction is a chronic neurobiological disorder that has genetic, psychosocial, and environmental dimensions and is characterized by one of the following: the continued use of a substance despite its detrimental effects, impaired control over the use of a drug (compulsive behavior), and preoccupation with a drug's use for non-therapeutic purposes (i.e. craving the drug).[1] Addiction is often accompanied by the presence of deviant behaviors (for instance stealing money and forging prescriptions) that are used to obtain a drug.[citation needed]

Tolerance to a drug and physical dependence are not defining characteristics of addiction, although they typically accompany addiction to certain drugs. Tolerance is a pharmacologic phenomenon where the dose of a medication needs to be continually increased in order to maintain its desired effects.[2] For instance, individuals with severe chronic pain taking opiate medications (like morphine) will need to continually increase the dose in order to maintain the drug's analgesic (pain-relieving) effects. Physical dependence is also a pharmacologic property and means that if a certain drug is abruptly discontinued, an individual will experience certain characteristic withdrawal signs and symptoms.[2] Many drugs used for therapeutic purposes produce withdrawal symptoms when abruptly stopped, for instance oral steroids, certain antidepressants, benzodiazepines, and opiates.

However, common usage of the term addiction has spread to include psychological dependence. In this context, the term is used in drug addiction and substance abuse problems, but also refers to behaviors that are not generally recognized by the medical community as problems of addiction, such as compulsive overeating.

The term addiction is also sometimes applied to compulsions that are not substance-related, such as problem gambling and computer addiction. In these kinds of common usages, the term addiction is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences, as deemed by the user himself to his individual health, mental state, or social life.

Enabling
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This article describes enabling in its counseling or psychological sense. For enabling in an empowerment sense, see empowerment. For enabling in computer terms where an object or Graphical User Interface widget is able to respond to events, see enabled/disabled.

Enabling is a term with a double meaning.[1]

As a positive term, it references patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow. These may be on any scale, for example within the family,[1] or in wider society as "Enabling acts" designed to empower some group, or create a new authority for a (usually governmental) body.

In a negative sense, enabling is also used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.[1][2] A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.[3]

A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic/addict and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment.[citation needed] In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

One of the primary purposes of a formal Family Intervention with alcoholics/addicts is the help the family cease their enabling behaviors.

Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others.
[edit] See also

I have been divorced close to a year now. I still find it hard. I thought that ,maybe he would get help if he lost his family, but instead he remains in denial and blames me for the divorce. He is in a relationship with a new woman, who he says "excepts him for who he is". I told him that when the butterflies go away and she learns who he really is that relationship will suffer too. He told me that I should of stood by his side. For what? To just be there as he continues his addiction. My life was pain. What he doesn't realize is that I was by his side, for 11 years. It was his turn to stand by my side and be the man he needed to be for me and change.The hardest part for me has been moving on. Something inside me still hopes. Still hopes that he will seek treatment, still hopes that his family will win over addiction, still hopes that the broken pieces can be put back together. This addiction is a monster and it draws you in so subtly then you get lost in a black hole.

Nov. 30th 2010
It's amazing the reaction you get when your share your heart with another who has no basis for understanding addiction. Not to mention porn addiction. The reaction I get from men and women alike is really a brushing aside of the substance that is being abused. Such as "ah, all men do that." Really? ALL MEN DO THAT? Where are they getting these facts? Have they spoke with or asked ALL the men in the world? No. American people are so desensitized to pornography that we pretend it is a normal healthy thing to do. What I find funny is the reaction men have when I share my experience. Even so called "christian" men. They in so many words get offended and defend their position and try to down play their participation in pornography. Such as "every man struggles with that. I don't view it much. But, I have." Their cheeks typically turn red and they start to fidget. I think that this addiction is still tucked away in the closet yet to have the recognition it deserves. Is it not enough that families and relationships are suffering because of pornography addiction? When will the day come that I see or hear of PA (pornography anonymous) in addition to wonderful organization AA (alcoholics anonymous)?

I often wonder if I will meet a man that will respect the devastation pornography addiction caused my heart and my home and keep me from any further pain by choosing (note I said choosing) to abstain from it, for my well being and the well being of our relationship. Men choose to view pornography I believe in part because they are ignorant to the fact the harm it can have on themselves and in relationships with a woman. Not all women will agree with that statement. Some women also indulge in pornography & perhaps have their own addiction. Perhaps there are a minority of people out there that it doesn't devastate them like it has in my home or millions of other homes out there. Like with anything I suppose if it is not abused perhaps its not a problem. I will tell you though. No man thinks he is addicted. Laughing as I type that last sentence. But ask him not to view it if he is going to date you or marry you, watch the debate fly! Seriously, if its not a problem then just don't do it? Simple enough to me. But in my experience pornography has such a hold on men addicted or not. Its amazing to observe. I will be lucky to find a man who is sensitive to the matter for my needs and mine alone. It was absolutely devastating to me to be married to a porn addict. I never want to experience pain like that again. I would rather live alone then in turmoil because my spouse is a porn addict. I am actually content not being married or in a committed relationship. My happiness is based on me not what another person can provide. Although, I would be happy to enjoy a healthy relationship with another I am not sure if in today's world that is possible with so much self indulgent behavior. Who really cares for others needs above their own anymore? In a selfish society I wonder if it is possible. My ex-husband was a Christian so expecting to find a religious man of conviction gives me little hope. Because this demon possess the christian and non christian alike.

I raise three sons. To them I teach respect of women. That of course it is natural normal and healthy to be attracted to women. And you can be attracted to woman but at the same time respect her in his mind as well as outwardly. To cherish her for the precious woman she is. My boys understand why divorce happened in our home. They know what pornography is unfortunately. I have explained to them that pornography is like poison in a pretty wrapper. You wouldn't consume a piece of candy so perfectly packaged if you knew it was poison would you? That is what pornography is. Poison in a pretty wrapper. Sex is normal, natural, and healthy. I have expressed that. It is healthy when it is shared with the person you love. I am sure men have a different perspective on this. But perhaps if men and women agreed on this one point, perhaps it would make home and family stronger.

You broke my heart but you too were broken and sadly still are. Immersed in a subculture, do you feel like a prisoner or are you in candy land? By the witness of your life and actions I would presume you are a slave. I feel sad for you because there is so much more to life and so much potential locked up in you. Yet you are infected with porn disease, but a shell of a man, a zombie. I was a victim, but I allowed myself to be. I could of left when you broke your promises over and over. But I stayed because I hoped that some how, some way, you would find healing. All this pain I have experienced has been harnessed and turned into a source of hope and healing for the hearts of woman that are devastated because their loved one is also infected with this disease . For that purpose alone I would follow this same path if I had to do it all over again. I hope for a day that porn is brought into the light for what it really is and what it really does to people, to men, women, and children alike. Now, the world is dealing with sex slavery too? Where and when does this evil end? We all have seeds in us, seeds of good and bad. What seeds we chose to water are the seeds that manifest. My hope is one day you will awaken from your zombie like state, realize where your addiction has taken you, and that you find freedom.