Wife of a Porn Addict

When I first met my husband wow, he was "the one". Handsome, funny, spiritual. When I said I do, I never imagined what hardship our relationship would endure because of an addiction to porn. I remember one day, when we were newly married eating breakfast in a cafe, him confessing that he once had a problem with porn. It was one of the reasons his parents asked to move out at 17. He reassured me that he no longer had this problem. He just wanted me to know that he had struggled with porn in the past. I was taken back. I was so naive at the age of 20, I knew there were perverts in the world but I thought they were old sloppy men who were over weight. I just had this image of a pervert and my husband didn't fit that image.

The first time I discovered that his "problem" still existed was only months into our marriage. I remember that day. I trembled, my heart broke, & I cried. I was confused because this was his past according to his earlier confession. But here I stood with evidence in hand that it exist in the present. I confronted him, he said he would never do it again, fast forward almost 11 years and three children later, and here I stand realizing that my husband is still addicted to porn. Through out the years we have gone through cycles. I would find something, he would be clean for a period of time (or so I thought), till the next time I found something & the cycle continued.

How has this effected my marriage? It has stolen my husband from me. In result of his addiction, he has become incredibly irritated, moody, & angry, His behavior toward the children and I are unfavorable. He becomes depressed and has low self esteem. My husband the man I believed could hang the moon. My hero. He's fallen into a black hole. I know I can't change him, but I thought if I could some how love more, pray more, forgive more he would change. I have discovered that there is nothing I can do to help him. In fact I have hurt him by becoming his enabler. Although I believed otherwise all these years.

It has been difficult to find resources that deal with a sexual addition. I've bought material from the bible book store & from pure life ministries that has given me insight into the addiction, but I needed a resource for me, a wife of a porn addict. What am I suppose to do? What are the steps I have to take?... I do not want to give another minute of my life to an addict. I love him but he needs help. And that's where I am today... He either gets the help he needs and deserves or I am leaving (this time I am). I've said it hundreds of times before so I know he doesn't believe me. By staying I am hurting him by enabling him, I am hurting myself and my children.

I have come to the realization that I am his enabler, through a book that was given to me from a friend "Living with your Husband's Secret War". I highly recommend this book. It is by far the most helpful and insightful book I have read on the topic. It's a powerful book for woman married to a porn addict.

The reason I am blogging is to journal, begin my healing, and to stay accountable to myself and not get back into the enable/addict cycle. Also I am blogging to let other woman who are married to porn addict's know, you are not alone. There are other woman living with his secret struggle. There is help, healing, & restoration. It's frightening to stand up to this demon and say enough's enough. But enough is enough & it's time for change.

I am currently looking into a rental for myself and my three children. I hope that he will change, but I don't believe he will, not with me around always threatening to divorce him if he doesn't change and never following through. Only I can change my situation. If I don't want to live with a porn addict, I don't have to, I can move, I can change my situation. Scary? Yes. Doable? Yes. Will it be hard? Absolutely. But if I love him and if I respect myself. I must make decisions that will benefit my future and the future of my children no matter how painful it may be.

7/15/09
I didn't realize that it has been so long since I have journaled. Alot to catch up on. Fast forward a month and a half. I LEFT MY HUSBAND! I have filed for divorce! It is the most freeing experience. All this time I was contemplating because I was scared or because I was in hope we could work passed it. What finally did it? I reached my fork in the road. I looked down my fork another 10 years of marriage to this man or a new life. In ten years there is no way I want to give my life to him. He has been untrustworthy with the first 11 years I gave him. So with that decision I slowly started planning my exit. It only took one last argument that showed me truly where his heart is. Then I said, "you know what? No more". And that was it.

We have been separated for about 2 weeks now. I'm not in shambles. I am not sad. I admit I am disappointed that I have a failed marriage to add to my baggage but... there is NOTHING I could of done to make it a better marriage. I have read all the books, tried all the techniques, prayed, hoped, begged and nothing. I didn't have a partner. He hasn't told me he is sorry. He is not trying to come back home. To my suprise he is excepting what is. He for sure is in denial. He told me that his addiction didn't "define" him. That he is "not his addiction". I looked at him and said "your addiction may not define you, but it has define where you are in life and is the reason you are losing your family". You could see the anger flare up in his eyes. That comment made him a little aggitated. He would get like that anytime I would bring up his addiction and his need for recovery. I guess loosing his family is not his rock bottom. If that isn't, I don't know what is? But that is not my concern anymore.

There is a freedom in doing what you know you should no matter how scary it is. Having walked this path I can say don't wait like 11 years like I did to really confront him the right way (it's all in the book Living with His Secret Wars). Do it early. Had I not enabled him so long maybe just maybe he could of got the recovery he needed sooner and our marriage could of survived an addiction. But I waited too long. I did him a disservice and for that I am sorry. Because I love him and want the best for him. I thought standing by him meant tolerating his addictive behaviors. But it really means standing up for what is right no matter how painful. If you really love your spouse, boyfriend, son with an addiction you will stop enabling him. I guess the hard part is recognizing that you're enabling someone. I can not express enough how much the book His Secret Wars has helped me. I have read several books about this topic and none is more powerful then that one. That book gave me the tools to make a sound decision.

So I do believe this will be my last journal entry for now. I think I will create a discussion forum on my lens if I can find the right applications to help me with that. If you can relate to my story, need advice, perhaps a road map I encourage you to pick up the "Living with His Secret Wars" book right away! Feel free to comment here on my lens if you need to vent. Good luck to the women who are now in the shoes I once wore. (The old tattered shoes I have since thrown away. I hope you find your path and get a brand new pair of shoes :) )

In Strength and Truth,

Nicole

5/28/09
I am kinda feeling lonely. For the moment things are fine, but I know that they're really not. It is just a matter of time. I've reached a ceiling in my marriage. There's no growth for my marriage to be had. So I guess I am greiving the opportunity to have a fulfilling marriage. I guess it's not in the cards for me. I married the wrong person. I know I can change my situation but it is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. For the moment I guess I have excepted that this is as good as it gets. Life and marriage is dandy for him, but for me it sucks. Not every moment of it, but my needs are not being met and as the days go on I'm becoming more and more numb. It makes me sad. I have been thinking about my life with out him. The grass isnt always greener, but maybe it is? I'm just in a really bad place within myself. I think my fork in the road is either except him terribly flawed and get over it and accept that he will never change, or get some guts and start caring about my own needs and make a change. A part of me feels selfish for wanting to leave him. I feel selfish because we have kids and because I feel like I am giving up. At this moment I feel sad. I feel lonely.

5/16/09
I was looking back on a journal I kept in '07. It made me realize I've been in pain for a long time. I'm writing about similar feelings and situations. It kind of of makes me feel stupid for being in the same boat for so long. My own decisions have kept my "married" life in a rut. I am content with every other aspect of my life except for my relationship with my husband. Who pretends to be clueless about why I feel the way I do. Maybe his is clueless, maybe he just doesn't care, or maybe he is just not listening? I hate to be a pessimist but I don't see us surviving this thing called marriage. I'm unhappy. Apparently he is unhappy too. Yet here we are going round and round together in this thing called life. I want to be happy and want to feel content. I want peace and I want to feel like me again. It seems like I can't let go or that I keep hoping and believing, like an idiot, that things will some how improve. I don't know why I sell myself a story. Perhaps because I went into marriage with the attitude of, thick and thin, better or worse, good times and bad. I guess I believe I signed up for life miserable or not. But a thought I have is that I hang in there time goes by I'm older he leaves me for a new and improved model you know? Then what I wasted 20-30 years of my life on a relationship that suffered all along the way? Having children doesn't help matters. My parents went through a divorce. It is so hard on the kids. I sure don't want them to go through that either. What to do? I guess there is only two choices; just deal with it and ride it out, or start a new life...hmmm.

5/9/09
So I have decided to start reading a book called Codependent No Longer. In fact a friend recommended it to me. I'm not sure if I am codependent or if I am just in a routine? I guess this book will be revealing. Knowing that I can't change him, I just need to work on me. I know that I do not want my married life to continue on the same path it has for the last 10 1/2 years. I have a lot of soul searching, praying, seeking direction to do. I am really confused. On one hand I love my husband and want to be with him, but on the other hand I can not stand his behavior and the destructive patterns. I believe we could have a more fulfilling relationship than we do now. I know he takes me for granted and in some ways I take him for granted too. I have to ask myself can I be with him another 10 years if nothing changes? The answer is no. Granted I do not want my family torn apart or to be alone but... I can't continue life this way. He spends more time learning the art of fly fishing and fly tying then he invest in our marriage. That's what furiates me. When he says he's going to read this or that to improve our marriage and he starts it but never finishes it. He makes all sorts of excuses. But... when his fishing magazines come in he finishes those cover to back. Or anything that interest him. I wonder why our marriage/ relationship doesn't interest him? In my journal you'll rarely hear the good things about him because this is where I come to vent, reflect, and think. There are plenty of good qualities in him. He just has character flaws that he fails to see or do anything about. But it's enough for me to throw in the towel. Thick and thin better or worse. I feel like if I give up I didn't fulfill my vows. But do I necessarily need to become a martyr for my marriage? I think if I don't leave him now, he will leave me later. Especially later, as I age, how could I ever be enough? I will definatley not look 20 when I'm 50! I don't trust that he wont want someone younger as we get older. Especially if he chooses to continue in his addiction. Do I want to not fully trust my husband with my life? I don't feel secure. I just want to be in a relationship that I can trust my husband with my life, feel secure, and loved. I don't believe I will ever have that with him at this point. Unless there is a miracle (and I do believe in miracles) then maybe we can have a second chance? But the miracle starts within him. I can will it or force it or make it happen. That is sooo frustrating because my hands are tied there is nothing absolutely nothing I can do.

5/4/09
I've let the cycle go full circle. AGAIN! Although there is not "real" change. We are not at odds for the moment. Like I mentioned before, he is reading a marriage book, but he is not technically in a recovery group. He can read all the marriage books he wants but until he is in a 12 step program it will be impossible for us. I say that because I recognize the cycle. I just experience the cycle making it full circle. I allowed it to go full circle. History always repeats itself. Now I really am a phony. Why will he believe me the next time when I say I'm going to leave? He didn't believe my this time. He WON'T believe me next time. Honestly, I am embarrassed writing this post. Just day's ago I was ready to "leave" him & I "meant" it. And today I am still here, less angry, yet in the same boat. Jeshhh... I'm an idiot! I am coming to realize that I really must be co-dependent. Although I love my husband and do not want to see my family torn apart, if I truly love my family wouldn't I want my husband to know I'm serious about him getting the help he needs so we can truly have peace and healing in our marriage & finally bury this demon once and for all?! What is wrong with me?