Addiction Affects others too

When we first found out that my brother Kyron, aka Moose was addicted to heroin we were horrified. We were not however, all that surprised. We had suspected for awhile that he was on some drug, most likely crystal methamphetamine. After all, that is the drug you hear about most on the news, in ads, and see on bilboards. We started noticing the changes in mid-to-late 2006. Then in February of 2007 his mother had a massive stroke. His emotions were understandably high, but his behavior changed very suddenly. He would become angry, verbally abusive, and would start yelling and cussing at the family in his mothers room in the ICU. Then he would go out for a "smoke" and come back calmer a little while later. Our father took him aside and asked him what he was on. He denied it. This went on for about a month, before he finally admitted to our sister that he was on heroin and had been since the following July.

Our father, and step-mother tried to get him help. He "repayed" them by threatending them, hitting them, and causing them more grief and aggravation than they deserved. Within three months of our finding out what drug he was on, he had broken into his mothers house (while she was in Arkansas recovering from her stroke), threatend the life of our step-mother, started a fight with our father, and and threatend our sister. That month we all filed for restraining orders aginst him. We were all fearing for our safety, if not our lives.

For me, it wasn't just my life I feared for. I had a husband, two young boys, and an unborn child to think of too. I know that the real Moose would never hurt anyone, but he was no longer the Moose I knew. He had become a monster. A monster who didn't care who he hurt.

Months of this torture go on. We try to have him arrested. The police can do nothing. Or they choose not to. We do everything we can to get him help. He refuses it, or goes once and gets high immediately after. Finally he gets arrested for failure to show for court dates. He gets six months in jail. My dad, step-mother, and his mother visit him occasionally. I still refuse. He needs to be clean and sober for one year before I will talk to him or let him see my children again.

When he was released from jail, he was told that if he reported for drug testing and stayed clean for two years all of his charges would be dropped to misdimenors. He didn't last two weeks. Ten days after he was released, he payed a visit to his dealer. No one knows for sure why he did it, but we suspect that his dealer called him saying his girlfriend was back on it, so he may as well be too. Anything to make a sale right? That night he shot up for the first time in over six months. He took what he was used to taking, at the peak of his addiction. That amount was too much for his system and he overdosed.

His mother woke up in the morning and found him sleeping on the couch as was normal. She tried to wake him up so he could take her to physical therapy and was unable to get a response. She then called my dad and left a message asking him to come over if he got a moment because she couldn't wake Kyron up. He was in the shower at the time and by the time he got the message and went over there nearly an hour had passed. He called 911, and tried to preform CPR, but everytime he did a chest compression more vomit would come out. When the paramedics got there they informed him that there was nothing they, or he could have done. He was gone. Dead at 22. Of a heroin overdose.

I had the opportunity to speak to him shortly before his release. He asked to talk to me. I refused. Some people think I was being to hard on him. I think, no, I know I had to do what was best for me and my family. He knew I loved him. I even told my dad to tell him that when I refused to talk to him. I loved him, but was not ready to talk to him. I know he was saddend by my choice, but it was my choice.

After his death, I regretted not talking to him that day. I had the "what ifs". What if I had talked to him? What if I had gone to visit him? What if I had written him? Now I know that it wouldn't have changed anything. I also know that I wouldn't have done anything different today than I did last year. It has been almost a year since his death. I still miss my little brother, but I know that he is no longer suffering from his addiction, and that alone brings me peace.

Rest in Peace dear brother.
Kyron Frank Tasnadi
August 25, 1985-May 16,2008

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/azcentral/obituary.aspx?n=kyron-frank-tasnadi&pid=110030010

Today marks the 11 month anniversary of my brothers overdose. I guess in a way i am lucky today was a busy day because I have had little time to think about him, his death, or how much I miss him. Then again, each month has been easier on me. Hopefully the one year anniversary won't be too bad.

Today was the one year anniversary of my brother's death. My husband knew that I needed to be kept busy having fun, so we packed up the kids and went north for the day. It was a good day. I barely even thought of my brother and his passing until we got home. Once the kids, then later my husband were all in bed the thoughts came rolling, along with the tears. I also found out that my aunt had "all the family" and friends over today, and I wasn't even invited, because I am not speaking to my father. Not that I would have gone anyways, but still very uncool of her. They seem to think that I need help, when really I am okay. A bit sad, a bit depressed, but this too shall pass. Talking about it doesn't help. Especially not with strangers.
Anyways, I digress. Today was a great day of avoidance. Until the end. I am still crying, but I know that tomorrow is another day. Another day with my husband and children. Another day to enjoy life. For now it is okay to cry.

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Thanks,
Tracy

It has been over two years since my brothers passing. A lot has happened in those two years, but we are still here, living, and more importantly loving life, family, and friends. I still miss my brother, but the pain is easing. I still do not regret my decisions. I had to do what was right for my family, and I still feel that I did. I don't think that will every change. I know that my husband, and my grandmother support me in that decision, even if no one else does.

I hope that if any of you have lost a loved one to drugs that you are healing from the pain as well.

This evening I went into the grocery store to grab some grapes and bananas for the kids. The song that was played at my brothers funeral was just starting when I entered the store. Normally I can hear this song, and not loose it. Tonight it was all I could do to not break down in the middle of the store. As soon as I got out the floodgates opened. I tried to explain to my kids why I was crying...and only the oldest really understood. He is the only one who really remembers his Uncle Moose. He knows how he died. He knows the pain he caused others. He also knows how much my brother truly loved him. For whatever reason, it was just really hard tonight.

Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms Of An Angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

I still miss you little brother.