Hilarious One Liners

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." - Casey Stengel

"Be obscure clearly." - E B White

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." - Darrin Weinberg

"When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter." - Stephen Wright

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." - Yogi Berra

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." - Salvador Dali

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep." - W. C. Fields

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me." - Elayne Boosler

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country." - Steven Wright

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it." - Dave Barry

"Politics is just show business for ugly people." - Jay Leno

"They misunderestimated me." - George W Bush

"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel

"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking." - Katherine Cebrian

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat." - Erma Bombeck

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." - Jim Carrey

"I never said most of the things I said." - Yogi Berra

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." - Groucho Marx

"Fame means millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are." - Erica Jong

"Money can't buy poverty." - Marty Feldman

"A man is only as faithful as his options." - Chris Rock

"To err is human - but it feels divine." - Mae West

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." - George Carlin

"Even Napoleon had his Watergate." - Yogi Berra

"As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot." - John Lennon

"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth." - George Carlin

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." - Yogi Berra

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"Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out."

"I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird."

"I can resist anything and everything other than temptation."

"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for."

"Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege."

"Don't judge a book by its movie."

"Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween."

"If you think sex is a pain in the ass - you're doing it wrong."

"A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands."

"Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser."

"Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice."

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

"Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply."

"Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives."

"The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead."

"Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped."

"An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets."

"The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."

"Get a new car for your wife - it'll be a great trade!"

"I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are just missing."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."

"To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."

"Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?"

"Learn from your parents' mistakes; use birth control."

"To be or not to be... I think its a trick question."

"When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant it alphabetically."

"You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."

"Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things."

"My girlfriend wanted me to be more loving; so I found one more."

"Panties are not the best thing; they are next to the best thing."

"This girl rang me up one time and said "come over, nobody is home"; I went over and no one was home..."

"Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence."

"Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."

"Death is a hereditary disease."

"Nostalgia is the best cure for amnesia."

"The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it."

"Crime an cruelty never paid, they are charged."

"Reality ruined my life."

"God created Adam and Eve - Man made it Madam and Eve; and Adam and Steve."

"Science is what you know and Philosophy is what you don't know."

"Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises."

"All the things I like to do are either illegal, immoral or fattening."

"A wise man once said 'I don't know, go ask a woman'."

"Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, hasn't been shopping at the right malls."

"Faith is believing in things when commonsense tells you not to."

"Hardwork never killed anyone, but why take a chance."

"It is mandatory to grow old, optional to grow up."

"Imagine a world without hypothetical situations."

"Cheer up! The worst is yet to come."

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"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." - Groucho Marx

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." - Woody Allen

"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass." - David Lee Roth

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down." - Mitch Hedberg

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" - Lily Tomlin

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." - Fran Lebowitz

"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get." - Robert Orben

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate." - Dave Barry

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children." - Samuel Butler

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." - Mitch Hedberg

"You're only as good as your last haircut." - Fran Lebowitz

"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair." - Hillary Clinton

"One man's folly is another man's wife." - Helen Rowland

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby." - Natalie Wood

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." - Don Marquis

"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first." - George Carlin

"I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job." - Woody Allen

"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs." - Alfred Hitchcock

"TV is chewing gum for the eyes." - Frank Lloyd Wright

"One picture is worth 1,000 denials." - Ronald Reagan

"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job; Depression is when you lose yours." - Ronald Reagan

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

"Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else."

"If you are one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you."

"I am born a pessimist - My blood group is B Negative."

"Of all my many virtues, humility is by far the greatest."

"Humility is accepting that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."

"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."

"Most women would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

"You are what you were and what you wear."

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

"What I like about you is that you remind me about when I was young and stupid."

"To look and feel intelligent, state the obvious - like past is past and Never say never."

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

"Any bad news is always breaking news."

"It is a crime to steal because the government hates competition."

"The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work."

"Creditors have better memories than debtors."

"Anything is easier to take apart than to put together."

"There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion."

"Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career."

"As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?"

"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way."

"I am not dumb, it's just that I have a mastery over useless information."

"The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."

"A clean tie always attracts the soup of the day."

"A committee is twelve men doing the work of one."

"Self starters still need a key."

"A friend in need is a pest indeed."

"All things being equal, all things are never equal."

"Due to budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off."

"All products fail only after the last day of the warranty."

"An argument carried far enough will end up in semantics."

"Experience is a name that most people give to their mistakes."

"But for gravity, I'd be a high-flyer."

"A day without sunshine is like, night."

"He who laughs last, thinks the slowest."

"Bigamy has its own punishment - two mother's-in-law."

"Steve Jobs took one bite out of Adam's Apple and his i's were opened"

"I've had amnesia as long as I can remember."

"Better latent than never."

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"If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?" - Steven Wright

"Never buy motor oil that says shake well before using." - Ken Hickey

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." - Tallulah Bankhead

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife." - Groucho Marx

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them." - Joan Rivers

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years; Then we met!" - Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Milton Berle

"We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time." - Arthur Hoppe

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion." - Spike Milligan

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." - George Carlin

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." - Woody Allen

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses." - Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns

"Nothing risqué, nothing gained." - Alexander Woollcott

"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." Gloria Leonard

"Familiarity breeds contempt - and children." - Mark Twain

"The natural man has only two primal passions, to get and beget." - William Osler

"Sex is emotion in motion." - Mae West

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less." - Brendan Francis

"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country." - Mel Brooks

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