Hope for PAS Victims

1) Maintain Personal Boundaries. Make your own personal emotional and physical boundaries clear to protect against the influences of the alienating parent. If phone calls tend to get ugly and upset you, then why continue talking with this person over the phone when it obviously is not constructive? Requesting phone calls ONLY in the case of an emergency is a very reasonable boundary. Do not attempt to appease, this would be impossible given that the alienating parent is driven by a desire to destroy the targeted parent.

2) Focus on YOU!
Remember that we cannot change others, but we CAN change the ways we respond to them. Focus on altering your own behavior and not that other parent. To do otherwise is to just waste your energy, and you need it. For example, if you begin to ignore phone calls from the alienating parent, that in itself is a message and will guard you from negatives influence.
By making changes in how you respond and react, this in turn will have a direct impact on the alienating parent. For example, if you limit contact and do not respond to threats and criticisms, this limits the power the alienating parent will have.

3) Stop feeling intimidated by the alienating parent. This is critical, since they get their power from frightening, threatening and intimidating you. Do NOT give them this power. Practice responding in an aloof and calm way. End the conversation if it becomes too much for you, but do NOT show fear or rage or any other signs of intimidation. Express your feelings of intimidation and anxiety to a close friend or counselor, ANYONE but the alienating parent. It is OK and quite normal to HAVE such feelings, but be very careful in how you express them.

4) Strive to be PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE to the behavior of the alienated parent. Many targeted parents exhaust themselves trying to reason with and convince the alienating parent, to explain that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children. This is a complete waste of time. Stop. It actually can makes things worse because it provides more opportunities for them to create conflict.
Do not attempt to negotiate. Alienating parents are not interested in negotiating because they will not listen to nor consider anything that deviates from their own agenda. Likewise to not attempt mediation. The process of mediation can only work if the parties involved enter into the process in good faith and with the purpose of finding a mutually agreeable solution based on compromise. Parents who alienate are not in the least interested in compromise anymore than they are interested in negotiations.
Waiting for things to get better on their own? Waiting for the alienating parent to get over his or her upset or to become more reasonable, or waiting for the children to come around on their own would be like waiting for snow in the Sahara desert. Won't happen.

5) Keep Being a Good Parent.
Do not give in to pressures to overlook poor or inappropriate behavior in your child. Be loving, consistent and firm in your words, actions and expectations. Be available to your child and actively listen to them when they want to talk.

Singer & songwriter Kimberly Griswold has created music about parent alienation that conveys the anguish of this affliction in a way like no other. The lyrics below to her song entitled "My Only Mistake" particularly resonated with me.

"MY ONLY MISTAKE WAS DECEIVING MYSELF
BY BELIEVING HIM
HE SWEPT ME OFF OF MY FEET, YEAH, I DIDN'T SEE HIM
PUSHING ME DOWN
BUT UNDERNEATH THAT REFLECTION OF ME
HIS MIRROR BLINDED ME
HIS WORDS WERE DEAFENING
AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY HE DEFEATED ME

HE WAS SHAMING ME AND BLAMING ME
FOR MAKING HIM THINK THAT HE LOVED ME
AND PRETTY SOON, I WAS BLEEDING INTERNALLY
FROM THESE INVISIBLE WOUNDS

HIS MASTER PLAN INVOLVED SLEIGHT OF HAND
CONTROLLING WHERE I'D LOOK
HE'D SMILE TO MAKE ME THINK THAT HIS EVERY WORD WAS A FACT
WHILE HE HID WHAT HE TOOK
BUT UNDERNEATH THAT SCRIPT HE READ
THERE WAS A MAN SO SCARED I'D FIND OUT I'D BEEN HAD
SO HE PUNISHED ME FOR WHAT HE LACKED
AND HE MURDERED ME EMOTIONALLY

REPEAT CHORUS

ARE BROKEN BONES AND BLOODY LIPS
THE ONLY KIND OF EVIDENCE
THE COURT OF LAW ALLOWS PROTECTION FROM
HE'S TORN MY LIFE INTO SHREDS
TERRORIZED ME WITH HIS THREATS
AND JUSTIFIES IT TO MY KIDS BY SAYING I HAVE NO DEFENSE

HE WAS SHAMING ME AND BLAMING ME FOR MAKING HIM THINK
HE WAS SHAMING ME AND BLAMING ME FOR MAKING HIM THINK
HE WAS SHAMING ME AND BLAMING ME FOR MAKING HIM THINK

ABOUT MY ONLY MISTAKE
MY ONLY MISTAKE
MY ONLY MISTAKE"

You can listen to this and other songs by Kimberly Griswold at the link below. I've yet to find any of her music published elsewhere (?) and am curious about that. The link below has lyrics and allows mp3 downloads.
Music by Kimberly Griswold

At the link below, you will find a list of experts & professionals with regard to parent alienation. Consider contacting one of them to support you through the family courts.
Experts & Professionals - Parent Alienation

Can't afford a lawyer and need legal advice? Many can't. Search Legal Aid and also search for attorneys in your city who are not-for-profit and may be willing to represent you on a sliding scale fee based on income.

Here's another option right on your computer...need an answer right away to a specific legal question? Ask Family Lawyers Now. Now I've no idea whether these lawyers have any training or experience specifically about parent alienation, so you might ask that question first. Regardless of other training and experience, I'm not convinced that any lawyer without knowledge about parent alienation would be able to help you. Still it might be worth a try as one affordable option.

Click the picture below to find one organization for information or support about parent alienation.

Here's an introduction from their website:

"SplitnTwo.com is a place for families and professionals to learn about the devastating effects of Parental Alienation. SpLiT n TwO believes parental alienation is a serious, misunderstood and often an unrecognizable form of mental and emotional child abuse. We are dedicated to assisting the victims of Parental Alienation. For the sake of the children, we strive to open the hearts and minds, around the world. Child abuse casts a shadow that last a life time."

Parental Alienation

Given you are aware of the controversies and complications surrounding PAS, then you already know that there are no simple answers. That does NOT mean there's nothing you can do. We can't change the world, but we CAN change the ways we respond to it and we can learn from others to deal with such sickness with dignity and integrity. So hang in there and focus on at least a few of the strategies on this page. Bless you.

Only a few years ago, this author wondered if she'd ever see her sons again. Yet the situation is much better now... one is now in college and the other in high school. I now enjoy regular contact with both of them. Believe and never give up.