Long Term Depression

This lens is a bit of a catharsis for me. I'll be writing pretty much off the cuff, so if I don't always make sense, I apologize. Sometimes I think that I've said something that I actually didn't. Oops.

I'm not writing this to gain pity nor glory. Try to offer it and I will run away, fingers in ears going "nah nah nah I can't hear you!" as fast as I can. I've always been best at communicating through the written word, and this lens, which I hope will be somewhat of a healing process is no exception.

If you are depressed, or care about someone who is or might be, please read on. If you're just looking for titillating stories or a "how-to", I'll save you the bother... move on, you won't find that here.

Well, after a long absence, I am back. Still working through this mess that my life seems to be, still trying to find that magical motivation that comes and goes as often as the sun rises....

I'm not sure if it's going to work, but I've weaned myself off of some medications (mostly due to monetary issues) but we'll see how it goes. I'm trying to see if a "to-do list" tactic will work to get stuff done on a daily basis, rather than just doing what I feel like doing. Part of this is a renewed effort into generating income online. This particular lens has 100% of any and all income generated going to charity. Other lenses and sites that I create with a different focus will be geared to generating income for myself.

"Money can't buy you Happiness". That is very true. Money itself will never buy happiness. How many wealthy people are there out there who are dissatisfied, unhappy or depressed. The smart monkey will use money to take care of essentials, set some aside for "mad money" to spend, and have some in savings. Money is a resource that when used wisely to ensure survival and having some left over to do things that you want to do, can alleviate some stress. It can allow you to pursue a career or line of work that you enjoy doing. It will allow you the freedom to go out and DO something, instead of being trapped by lack of finances.

Now, I only need to practice what I preach! It's all very easy to talk the talk, but that walking bit.... that's a bit harder to reprogram. I'm sure that there are many of us out there who know what needs to be done, but have a heck of a time implementing it. One step at a time, I guess. That's how I'm moving on from here. One manageable step at a time.

I will try to do regular updates (I'll aim for weekly), so please check back once in a while, and please remember that any ad-clicks on here go to charity to help others with depression.

Currently, I have several things on the go to help me climb out from what truly felt like the bottom of a grave...

Dark
Cold
Alone
Ready for Forever

I am currently taking medication to help me cope with my depression. That isn't the whole solution or cure, whatever you want to call it. There's counselling, support through being able to talk more to family and friends (one of whom has been there for me without question or judgement for several years now; thank you), keeping busy with various side projects, and whatever else I can find to help me learn about myself, and how to help myself.

What? You're thinking that I don't sound terribly depressed? Maybe it's the meds talking, maybe it's that I believe that I'm coming back from the utter hellish depths of depair....

A little background for you.

My family has been directly impacted by suicide. Several times. My first attempt at taking my own life was during puberty. There was a traumatic event in my life just over ten years ago, and about eight and a half years ago I felt I had to make a choice that changed my life forever.

You see, I have a child who was born in the spring of 1998. My relationship with the mother had already fallen apart, but we decided to try to recover it. It didn't work, and things fell apart again. I wound up spending the first year and a half trying to deal with very limited visitation; a disaster for someone who wanted nothing more than to grow up, get married, have a family, and be a grandpa in the rocking chair on the front porch with grandkids playing on the front lawn.

For that 18 months, I constantly felt as if I was butting my head against a brick wall, trying, wanting, craving full-time fatherhood. And being constantly denied. So I chose to walk away. As much as that hurt, and shattered what little was left of my already crushed heart, I felt at the time (and still do) that it was either that - or continue on that path only to leave naught but a headstone for my child.

For several years after, there was hardly a day when I didn't think of just jumping off a bridge into a river, or onto a freeway full of rushing cars, or whatever other opportunity happened to present itself. Several times a day. EVERY DAY.

The tipping point came right at the end of 2008. Having seriously attempted to take my life 3 times in 3 months - the last time by burning a tray of charcoal in a closed room - I had hit the absolute bottom.

So for today, and tomorrow, I'm trying to look forward. And up. Out of the grave, back into life. For the sake of the "children" in my life now.

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Here is tomorrow, and not much has changed. Still struggling along, still trying to move on past the good ol' "ignore it and it will go away" mentality. Time to give myself a swift kick in the arse and get going with getting better. Daily planner on the desk; two, max. three things to do each day and a less stressful environment should help. Why so long to do anything? Why does it takes anyone longer than necessary? It's easier to NOT change. Using Monty Python logic, what are we mostly made up of? Water. What does water do? Other than get things all wet.... or flow downhill..... path of least resistance! Like electricity.... which we also have running through us..... so, like water and electricity, we TEND to follow the path of least resistance. That is what has to change; the urge to DO NOTHING and just flow.

Here's to change, and doing something to make this crap life better. For me.

Not everyone is the same. Of all the people who have or are suffering from depression, the signs and symptoms will likely be different. There's a whole list that the medical community is aware of, several lenses here are good resources for that. I probably have gone through all of them at one point or another, but not all at the same time.

Since I have, for a long time, lived day to day with no regard to keeping track of what happened and when, all I can do is list the things that I have felt or experienced throughout the years.

- alone in the world
- unloveable (by anyone except family, romantically)
- incompetent or inadequate
- extremely angry at those whom I felt had hurt me
- not caring at all whether I lived or died
- desperate for a way out of the troubles of life (financial, emotional, work, etc)
- feeling I have to act happy and normal for work, family, etc
- no energy or motivation to do things
- losing myself in a fantasy book or sleep to avoid life
- seeing dirty dishes or a messy house and just not caring about it
- having no motivation at all to change anything in my life

I would have to say that at least half of my adult life so far has passed by existing simply as an empty shell. Quite often wondering if I was even human or some sort of mechanical device. The only thing that told me I was alive were the biological functions - eating, drinking, voiding, bleeding (not that I cut myself deliberately - I don't like pain).

Has the shell been filled? Not entirely yet, but pieces are starting to come together. The hardest part for me, and probably for others as well, is looking "inside". What do I feel? Do I have a favourite 'whatever'? What do I want to do? I honestly cannot answer these questions. So how have I managed?

Intelligence, acting, and giving the answers people want to hear. Job interviews and reviews are particularly easy. "What do you see as a short term goal with "X" company?" they ask. So, knowing which position I had recently applied for, I give an appropriate answer to fit that type of position. Easy as pie.

How about those aptitude profile tests and such that so many employers use now? With some background knowledge from working in Human Resources, it's really rather easy to pick out what they are trying to ask with each question. They are usually 3-4 questions for each point scattered throughout, worded differently, but it's rather easy for someone who pays attention to find them. I simply go through and answer with whatever they want to hear.

Does that mean that my entire life is a lie? I don't think so. There are certain values and behaviours that I know are definitely me, and that don't change. I don't change those characteristics. But others can be. At home and in private I'm one type of person. At work, it's a different setting, so I become a different version of me, one that's more appropriate to a workplace setting. As a parent, yet other characteristics and behaviours emerge, making yet another version of me.

I believe that we all "wear different hats" so to speak depending on the situation. I guess it just seems to be on the extreme end for me since I learned a very long time ago to block things off in my mind. The short term result is that I was able to get through painful things by hiding them away. Unfortunately, it seems that they didn't really get dealt with, and now it's such a habit to put up walls everywhere that I don't really know who or what I am anymore.

Piece by piece, I know that those walls have to come down. Unfortunately, unlike the one in Berlin that finally came tumbling down those years ago, mine are invisible. They've been up for so long, put up without any conscious thought at all, I don't know where they all are.

As time goes on, I'm hoping to be able to find those walls, take them down and come to terms with whatever has been lurking behind.