Hospice: It Saved My Dad and Gave Mom a "Good Death"

Doctors Making House Calls made the referral and two young women showed up, a nurse and a social worker. After a thorough assessment with a checklist it turned out that Mom didn't qualify for the Hospice funding. But they called their supervisors and explained that it was time for the service here no matter what the papers said. They all figured out a way to qualify Mom while being totally honest. Sometimes you just have to know how to do it.

We were thrilled that these two were assigned the case. Little did we know that it was even more important than we thought it was.

Mom and Dad would get regular visits and they would monitor what was going on.

Thursday I called Dad from work. He shocked me by being uncharacteristically gruff with me. When I got home later the nurse was there and took me aside, suggesting that they give Dad a respite weekend. Mom would go to a nursing home on the weekend and come back on Monday. Dad was reluctant and feeling guilty, but we convinced him that this would be good for both of them. It had to also be good for Mom or he wouldn't have done it.

I found out why he was so gruff. Mom had been soiling herself a lot and he had to clean it up. That wasn't why, though. That day after cleaning her, he went to change the sheet and there were no clean ones. He had been so busy with her, that he hadn't had time to do the laundry and of course wouldn't ask me. Seeing the empty linen closet made him feel like a total failure.

So he agreed.

He went with her in the ambulance on Friday so I picked him up after work. Mom had no idea where she was and seemed fine. When she went to sleep we left.

Dad surprised me when he asked to take me out to dinner. He was still ambivalent about leaving her, but wanted to go out. He told me that it had been years since he had been out after dark or to dinner. We had a good time!

The nurse said that he should forego his desire to visit her the next day, so he spent Saturday at home, resting and catching up on the laundry. Sunday he went back to see Mom.

Dad was surprised at what he saw. Mom was happy and more relaxed than she had been in years. She had no idea where she was or that she hadn't seen him yesterday and she was happy to see him as if it were any morning.

The Hospice nurse helped him decide to keep her there. They also helped him realize that this was good for her. They guided us to Medicaid as they could not afford long term nursing care after Medicare ran out. I went there with him. They would have to spend 1/2 of there money before Medicaid would take over, as they didn't want the remaining spouse to be destitute. Hospice helped us with this.

Dad spent the next three weeks going to the nursing home right after breakfast and staying until just before dark. Mom was so happy that she finally forgave a grudge that she had held for decades; it was great that she didn't die with this. We made copies of pictures to paste all over the walls and she pointed out the one of Virginia to a nurse, "That is my best friend". That made Dad and I so happy.

Then after a few weeks she needed another transfusion at the hospital. Dad, who would have kept her forever, asked only one question, "What will this mean to her?" The answer was not promising and he sacrificed his own desires for her. Three weeks to the day after she arrived, it was over.