Hot Air

Those crazy canucks always have a good story to tell, and this one about little planes is not exception.

A mother and her very young son were flying from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother who couldn't think of an answer, so she told her son to go and ask the flight attendant for the answer. The boy promptly walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant who happened to be busy serving the other passengers their ration of roasted pine nuts and a carbonated beverage.

She smiled and turned to the young boy, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy answered, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because we always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

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Image Credit: Fethi Karaduman at flickr.com

If you're "Leaving on a Jet Plane" anytime soon, you may want this John Denver classic tear-jerking love-song as ringtone for your cellphone before you jump on that "Wizzair" flight that's bound to get you somewhere in no time flat!

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Image and Words Credit: Linda Silvestri - http://sketchedout.wordpress.com/page/4/

With all the modern technology in the world at their fingertips, did you know that when you get on a plane and your bag doesn't, your favorite airline is asking for trouble from at least one disgruntled passenger namely you!

Your favorite airline has state-of-the-art passenger tracking systems (and knows whether you've been naughty or nice (on previous flights), whether you've checked in and are playing solitaire on your computer in a boarding lounge or whether you're in snoozing in seat 36F while en route to somewhere in the universe). Yup, and your favorite airline has cutting-edge aircraft and maintenance stystems that can track where the plane is and what shape it's in. But, your favorite airline's baggage and ticketing systems are separate. (In other words, they might as well be on another planet for all the good they're going to do you right now.)

Funny thing is that when you skidaddle aboard your sleek-looking skybus and your bag doesn't make it into the belly of the "big bird", your favorite airline actually knows right away that it's not there. So, how come no one bothers to tell until you're standing in the airport baggage claim area, (looking a tad forelorn as the last suitcase spins around the carousel), that your blessed bag is really somewhere else?

Frankly, a big part of the problem is that your favorite airline doesn't have all its information in one place. And, if truth be told, it gets quite a kick out of waiting until you arrive at your destination to tell you that your bag is "temporarily indisposed". Needless to say, it's not hard to see why you might blow a gasket, pull your hair out, or just cry in your beer (if only there was a bar open nearby).

The lag time between when the bag was supposed to be loaded onto the plane until when your favorite airline tells you that your bag is not where it's supposed to be is why your face is red and why your blood pressure is already off the chart! The lag time is why you also had to wait in vain at the baggage claim!! And, the lag time is why you swear you'll never to fly that frigging "favorite" airline again...no matter how many boxes of complimentary cold rubber chicken wings with ginger sauce they will give you on your next flight!!!

Pray tell why can't your favorite airline put all their computer databases together, eliminate the lag time, and send you a text message on your digital phone or laptop computer, to tell you that your bag didn't make it and that your favorite airline will ship it immediately to your hotel or residence?

Well, the short answer is your "favorite airline" doesn't do things that way! It enjoys its well-earned reputation as being "the devil in disguise". Furthermore, it's used to uttering half-hearted "mea culpas" (and besides it's a lot of fun blaming all those glitches, screw-ups, and snafus on the 'Fuck Up Fairy'...rather than telling you how they're going to solve the problem the moment you step off the plane).

When all is said and done, maybe your favorite airline should get with the program and start "tweeting" their passengers well in the hope that you will twitter to your family and friends about what you're doing besides twiddling your thumbs and placing bets as to which will show up first...Godot or your gall-darned bag!

On the other hand, maybe they should organize entertaining exercursions for pouting passengers to outerspace ...to see if the rings of Saturn really are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

For those who can't flap their wings enough to get them off the ground, you're probably not alone.

For those who leave driving that big bird to someone else...buckle up, because you never know when you may encounter a minor blip or a god awful glitch.

And for those who hate flying...here are a few things to keep your mind off the fact that you're packed into a jet-propelled sardine that's 35,000 feet off the ground without a golden parachute on board.

-- "There is an art . . . to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

-- "We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?" -- Cockpit crew in the movie, "Airplane".

-- "The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain say, "Hey, watch this!" -- Anonymous

-- "Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute." -- George Bernard Shaw

-- "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." -- G. K. Chesteron in "Orthodoxy",
1908.

-- "Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes." -- Anonymous

-- "If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets." -- Mel Brooks

-- "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker." -- Custodian at the Aviodome aviation museum, Schiphol airport Amsterdam

-- "If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?" -- George Carlin

He said, "Look sweety-pie, I said our relationship was a trial balloon -- you know full of billet douxs with no strings attached."

She said, "Look honeybun, I never said I'd sign up for membership in the Frequent Flyer Floosie Club!"

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Image Credit: www.pemberley.com

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Image Credit: senseofevents.blogspot.com/Santa-TSA-cartoon

Get used to the idea -- boarding a plane these days is a frisky business!

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Image Credit: S. Kelly - The Times Picayune 2010

In a world of doom and gloom, bank bail-outs, and big bungalow foreclosures, perhaps there's an answer.

Frankly, if this dapper dude used 10,000 balloons to make a house fly, why wouldn't you?

Let's face it, if you could escape to "Never Never Land", (where there are no grown-ups or great big problems except for Captain Hook)...what's holding you back?

So quit complaining, and blow up those blasted balloons!

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Illustration from Walt Disney's animated 3-D film, "Up".

Image Credit: Cine Fanatico@flickr.com