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How to Become a Better Parent and Stop Yelling at Your Kids (or Spouse)

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You Can Stop Abusing or Losing Your Temper with YOUR Child! You Can Break Free and Be Happy!

There are many kinds of abuse, and I may have dealt with all of them as a child.

When my son turned 15 months old and started getting into things and needing 'discipline', I realized that I was really messed up. I was quick to anger, quick to yell, quick to blame, and my first impulse was to hit, even though I didn't act on it.

Wow! Where did this come from. Sure, I'd always had a temper, and sure, I may have been quick to anger most of my life, but I never remembered *anyone* setting me off in the way my cherished child did.

I'm over it now. My son has taught me many things, and how to be happy and break the chain of abuse was one of the biggest, most wonderful, and most far-reaching. Thanks Joe, you're awesome. I thank my lucky stars every day to have you in my life.

This lens is my attempt at helping anyone else who may find themselves in this predicament.

You can feel consistently good, you can deal with emotional issues with grace and clarity, and you can break the cycle of raising your hand or even your voice to your kids.

Here's my top 8 tips on how to become a person that is kind, calm, happy, relaxed, and loving. These kinds of people don't abuse their kids. If I can become a better parent, anyone can, I promise you.

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Get Happy

Tip #1 on How to Be a Better Parent and Not Abuse or Yell

you can feel good againI never knew I wasn't happy, but compared to how I feel these days, I was miserable. Flat out miserable.

I can understand why the people who did what they did to me did it. Because they were dying inside - I've felt a little of that. Because they were so far from feeling good they had not a darn thing to give me. ... and they blamed me for a lot of their heartache - not on purpose of course, but blaming is natural, and I was there.

So, the first tip I can give to learn not to abuse your kids is to get happy. Happy people don't hit others. Happy people don't yell at the drop of a hat. Truly happy people are happy and they can help those around them be happy too. (and happy kids get into less trouble)

So HOW do I get happier than I am now?

I learned by reading the book You Can Feel Good Again. Acutally, I read many books, but I keep coming back to this one. I've read it three times over the last 7 years, and now I am going to read it again. I get a little more and a little different wisdom out of each time.

This was one of the first books that ever introduced me to the following concepts

1) My emotions are caused by my thoughts
2) I can choose my thoughts, and I can choose to LET GO of thoughts that make me feel bad
3) I can choose to be happy regardless of outside circumstances
4) I can't think my way out of problems or issues

... there's a lot more gold in this book. It's worth a read or two. It's really helped me a lot over the years and I keep going back to it.

Hitting and Yelling are Ineffective

Hitting and Yelling will never lead to the results you want, if what you want is happy, nice-to-be-around, successful, independent children.

When you know this, it's easier not to fall back on hitting and yelling, even when you are stressed or unsure.

You Need a New Perspective

Tip #2 for Becoming a Better, Kinder Parent; Become Effective in Your Parent-Child Relationships

parent effectiveness trainingChanging your perspective of WHY your children are doing what they are doing is a very powerful tool to help keep you from reaching a feeling of anger. If you don't every get to anger you aren't going to hit, right? If you don't even get frustrated, you probably won't even yell. It will be easy.

Honestly. It is easy to pick a kind and loving response to anything when your emotions are not running high.

It's also a bit easier to choose to never hit your kids again, no matter what, when you know that hitting does not lead to the results you want..

Want a more peaceful home? You need to lead the way by becoming more peaceful.

Want your children to be more responsible? You'll have to lovingly take them by the hand and show them how to do so. They aren't born knowing it, and if you yell to try to get them to do it they will avoid you and shut down, instead of learning what you want them to learn.

I have two books to recommend here that helped me greatly. The most important one is Parent Effectiveness Training. This book will honestly introduce you to the only method and concept you will ever need to raise kids, no matter what their age.

It will help reduce fighting, yelling, and lies. It will bring your family closer. It will help your family establish rules that everyone follows willingly, and it will help you build a good relationship with your kids that will last forever.

That's quite a claim, but it's true. :)

Another book that helped me a lot with this shift in perspective was Unconditional Parenting. This is more of a theory book, with less hard and fast steps to help, but it's a good introduction to why you may want to step away from punishments AND rewards with your kids.

Punishments AND Rewards Have Unwanted Consequences

Punishments cause kids to do or not do things only because they are scared.

Rewards cause kids to do or not do things only because of what they can get out of it.

I don't punish or reward my son, and he is kind and helpful because he wants to be, and he knows it's good for relationships.

Stop Their Fighting

Tip #3 on How to Become a Better Parent; Stop Their Fighting and Learn to Talk to Them

siblings without rivalryIf you have more than one child, and they are hurting each other, that can inflame you into hurting them.

You can learn a new way of being with them that helps them reduce conflict and deal with conflict when it comes up.

You can all be in it together. If they never reach the point of rage, then that will be one less trigger for you into anger or rage.

This book, Siblings Without Rivalry, can introduce you to incredible concepts and exact phrases and ideas that will help your kids feel good about their relationships with you and with each other.

The authors also wrote another book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk which doesn't deal with brothers and sisters so much, but is more of a general guide on how to be with your kids. It's another one that I consider essential.

I've Read Each of These Books

...and each one of them gave me another piece of the puzzle that lead to a whole, kind, loving, happy me

Don't get them all today; get the one that interests you or calls to you the most, read it, and put it into practice, and then consider if you want to get another

I read them over 6 years.

Remove your Buttons

Then there's nothing to get pushed (Tip Number 4)

when your kids push your buttonsIn When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It you will learn WHY you freak out, WHY you lose it.

Then, you will learn how to get rid of your 'buttons', so that no matter what is going on around you, you can keep a cool head. You can feel OK and not freak. ... and that alone will make your life happier. I promise.

I am so in love with the fact that I rarely freak out anymore, and when I do, it's mild compared to what it used to be, and I can recover from it quicker. This is what I wish for all parents.

Stop Fighting about Food

and what they eat or don't eat (Tip Number 5 on being a better parent)

prevent childhood eating disordersFood is a 'big one' for many parents. It is for both my husband and I, but in different ways. Power struggles over food are huge in many households.

What if you could give it all up? What if you could learn to trust your kids AND yourself. What if you could take food 'off the table' as a problem in your house?

Would that cut your fights and tension in half? Maybe - after all you do eat at least three times EVERY day. How cool would that be. I highly recommend this book, Preventing Childhood Eating Problems.

This book eased my mind about what my son was wanting and eating and when and how he was eating it, and now mealtimes are sweet chances to connect at my house. I love it. This is what having kids should be about.

Playful Parenting Coming Up

Through play, parents can help their kids develop greater confidence, express bottled up or difficult feelings, recover from daily emotional upheavals, negotiate agreements, express love and not least have fun.

Learn to Play Again

Tip #6 to Raise Great Kids you WANT to Be Around

playful parentingSomehow, when I became a parent, I got really serious. Looking back, I wonder if I stopped playing really early in life. I don't remember ever playing. I don't remember a lot of fun and joy in my childhood. I know my parents were pretty serious - they never played.

In contrast, my son takes playing very seriously, and as I watch him play and play with him, I see how it does so much for him. It builds his muscles, gets out his energy, helps him learn things, helps him heal from hurts, and lets him play at doing 'adult' things without having to have adult maturity.

I remember one time when he was 2 years old and he got sick. One night he threw up most of the night. It was pretty traumatic for him. The next day he pretended that one of his pets was throwing up and he was taking care of it. I could clearly see his young brain trying to work through what had really happened to him the night before and make it all OK.

My son is very strong-willed and spirited (meaning not easy), and we use play all the time as a way to get somewhere faster, pass the time while we are waiting, get out feelings and emotions that need to come out, and generally stay connected. It's an incredibly valuable tool for me, as his mother, to make our lives smoother.

But I had to learn how to do it. I had to watch carefully and follow his lead. I was really bad at it in the beginning, and being really bad at it, I never wanted to do it. But my son needed it, so I got the book Playful Parenting and it's helped me both remember his need for it and become a little better at it. great book.

Why Playful Parenting?

According to Cohen, children of all ages have an ongoing need for connectedness, security and attachment; playful interaction with parents is an important way to develop such bonds.

Use Life to Heal Yourself

Life with your Kids Can Heal Your own Childhood (Tip #7)

raising our children, raising ourselvesAs you replace memories of being yelled at and hit and shamed and controlled with being kind and loving and understanding to your own kids, the past will fade for you.

As your pasts releases it's hold on you, your whole life can get sweeter.

The book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy is simple, but groundbreaking.

It's quite a leap for most people to make, but if you've been abused, the processes outlined in it really can help you take each event in your life with your child and use it as self-therapy; self-healing. good stuff.

Take All Your Relationships to the Next Level

(tip #8)

I Need Your Love, Is that TrueEliminate ALL your pain, learn to (eventually) love your abusers.

Find joy here and now, no matter what. It's all possible.

Check out I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead.

I'd Love to Hear From You

I'd love to hear if any of this has helped you, or about your own experience with learning to stop the chain of abuse. Leave me a comment or email me. - Lisa

  • mimblog May 30, 2012 @ 11:08 am | delete
    This is a brave and beautiful lens. Thank you so much for sharing your story and the resources that changed your life and the life of your son. I will be pinning this and sharing it on facebook on my Open Hearts Spiritual Direction page. Blessings to you and your family!
  • dellgirl May 28, 2012 @ 9:28 pm | delete
    You covered the subject very thoroughly, It sure makes me stop and think. This is excellent advice. ThumbsUp!
  • Rankography May 25, 2012 @ 3:46 pm | delete
    Hey Ajeet, I recently got my wings so I wanted to stop back by this excellent lens and give you a blessing. Nice work.
  • TheLifestyleChanger May 11, 2012 @ 4:12 am | delete
    Such sage advice. Congratulations of your honesty and resolve in finding a better way of living with family. Blessings.
  • Tipi May 6, 2012 @ 10:04 am | delete
    The author certainly make good sense here and backs it up with positive results that can't be argued with.
  • Rankography May 5, 2012 @ 2:03 pm | delete
    Really good advice. It is so easy to fall into the trap of disciplining by yelling. This lens really puts things in perspective. I am adding it to my Best Lenses lens.
  • Lifeboost Apr 17, 2012 @ 2:25 am | delete
    Fabulous advice for all parents! A great resource, and I'm sure it's helping a lot of people. Heartily blessed by a Squid Angel. :)
  • mumsgather Mar 15, 2012 @ 9:14 pm | delete
    What a great way of presenting good reads and reviews on this topic. Blessed.
  • badaniels Mar 15, 2012 @ 6:48 pm | delete
    Great lens. I,too, am working thru issues from my childhood that I struggle with every day to not project that onto my kids. Good, sound advice.
  • Dkanzari Mar 15, 2012 @ 3:55 pm | delete
    Great advices and resources Thank you for sharing
  • indirablu Mar 15, 2012 @ 11:08 am | delete
    you are incredible for surpassing all your bad memories and turning to be a good parent. i say the first step contributes half of a successful change in lives.
  • indirablu Mar 15, 2012 @ 11:08 am | delete
    you are incredible for surpassing all your bad memories and turning to be a good parent. i say the first step contributes half of a successful change in lives.
  • indirablu Mar 15, 2012 @ 10:59 am | delete
    i read the whole of your lens. that's really great of you. thanks for sharing...
  • poddys Feb 27, 2012 @ 2:03 am | delete
    Great advice. All too often winding a child up further just leads to more rage, and bigger tantrums, and in the end more upset for everyone. I saw my ex threatening my daughters too often with the wrong type of punishments and pressing all the wrong buttons instead of defusing the situation, and if I got involved then I would be one of the bad guys too. Nicely done, parenting is never straightforward. Blessed.
  • Mujjen Dec 12, 2011 @ 9:24 am | delete
    Very good advice. It is so true that we are more prone to loosing our temper with the kids when we ourselves are unhappy (or tired).
  • mvlaughslots Apr 13, 2011 @ 4:16 pm | delete
    Great read... I will remember this when I eventually have kids. :)
  • Jack2205 Nov 9, 2010 @ 10:18 pm | delete
    Good information for parents. Blessed by a Squid Angel.
  • lisakleinweber Nov 9, 2010 @ 10:35 pm | delete
    thank you!
  • puzzlemaker Jun 14, 2010 @ 9:01 pm | delete
    Oh I see LOTS of things I need to work on here. That #1 book is one I must read.
  • WendyKrick Jun 10, 2010 @ 7:27 am | delete
    Excellent Lens.
  • lisakleinweber Jun 10, 2010 @ 11:59 am | delete
    thank you :)
  • Amy Jun 4, 2010 @ 12:28 pm | delete
    This is awesome, Lisa, and super comprehensive. I appreciate you sharing it with me and the world. Parents can benefit from this information greatly!
  • lisakleinweber Jun 7, 2010 @ 5:00 pm | delete
    thanks Amy. I appreciate you coming by to look at it.
  • FelicityLuckey May 21, 2010 @ 10:42 pm | delete
    This is an excellent lens that I'm saving to faves. You said it perfectly. To be a calm, loving parent...BE happy. Beautiful advice...Thank you!
  • lisakleinweber May 22, 2010 @ 12:45 pm | delete
    thank you. :)
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