How to be an Elementary School Bully

Kick Me

Perfect for when you're JUST starting to bully your victim...

This trick will only work for a limited time. Eventually your victim will learn not to trust you. Enjoy it while you can.

STEP ONE:
Pretend to give your victim a pat on the back.

STEP TWO:
Stick a sign to the victim's back that says "Kick Me."

STEP THREE:
Stand back and watch the ensuing hilarity.

Wet WIlly

STEP ONE:
Get your finger soaking wet with saliva.

STEP TWO:
Insert your finger in victim's ear.

!!!WARNING!!!
This may cause an ear infection. Make sure that the victim's parents have no way of knowing you're responsible for their child's trip to the ear doctor.

Spitballs

STEP ONE:
Take a piece of paper and put it in your mouth

STEP TWO:
Chew on it until it's sopping wet with your saliva.

STEP THREE:
Chuck it at your victim!

Noogies

Also Known as a "Dutch Rub"

STEP ONE:
Put your victim in a headlock.

STEP TWO:
Rub your knuckles quickly back and forth over your victim's head, causing friction and irritation.

Making Them Eat Gross Things

STEP ONE:
Pin your victim down somehow.

STEP TWO:
Force feed them "gross" things

Suggestions:
*Bugs
*Grass
*Dirt
*Crayons
*Anything slimy

Swirlies

Can be done by yourself or with a group if you're not strong enough.

STEP ONE:
Turn victim upside-down

STEP TWO:
Holding onto victim's legs, dunk victim's head into the toilet bowl

STEP THREE:
FLUSH! Watch victim's hair "swirl."

Tip: Works better if the toilet lid is up!

Drinking Fountain

STEP ONE:
Turn on the drinking fountain

STEP TWO:
When your victim walks by, use your hand to aim the water

STEP THREE:
Laugh at your victim's soggy misery

Indian Burn

STEP ONE:
Grasp victim's forearm

STEP TWO:
Twist your hands in opposite directions. Repeat until victim's arm is dark red with soreness.

Dead Finger

STEP ONE:
Extend pinky finger

STEP TWO:
Pinky stiff; wrist loose. Flick your pinky quickly on your victim's bare skin.

Rat Tail

The Art of Towel Snapping

Take a towel, usually damp (to hold the shape!), and twist it along the diagonal to make a whip.

From there, snap the towel as you would crack a whip. Should cause your victim stinging pain where struck!

It's all in the wrist.

TAKES PRACTICE!!!

Purple Nurple

AKA: Nipple Cripple or T*tty Twister

STEP ONE:
Locate your victim's nipples.

STEP TWO:
Grasp your victim's nipple(s) firmly with your thumb and index finger.

STEP THREE:
Twist. HARD!!

Tip: For speed & effectiveness, twist their left nipple clockwise and their right nipple counterclockwise

Hertz Doughnut

This technique and the two following it all involve tricking your victim into giving you their own unwitting permission to abuse them.

YOU: Would you like a Hertz Donut?

VICTIM: Yeah!!

(At this juncture you punch your victim)

YOU: Hurts, DON'T IT?!*

*Pronounced like "doughnut"

Tip: This trick works even better if you happen to have a doughnut/doughnut box to fool them with...

Button Face

STEP ONE:
Ask your victim "Would you like a Button Face?"

STEP TWO:
If they say "yes" or "What's a Button Face?" then that's your cue to knock them down and sit on their face!

Get it?! Butt ON face!

Apple Core/Baltimore

When with a group of friends and looking to start a food fight (or simply want an excuse to throw food at someone you don't like), play this "game."

STEP ONE:
Hold up the core of an apple and call out "Apple core!"

STEP TWO:
Have someone respond "Baltimore"

STEP THREE:
Say "Who's your friend??"

STEP FOUR:
From there, throw--with great force!--your apple core at whichever "friend" is named.

Pantsing

Taking Off Someone's Pants Without Their Permission

STEP ONE:
Sneak up behind your victim

STEP TWO:
Grab ahold of their pants' waistband

STEP THREE:
Pull down. QUICKLY!

Tip: This works best when your victim is not wearing a belt.

Wedgie

The Classic

Can be done by yourself or with a group.

STEP ONE:
Locate the waistband of your victim's underwear and grab onto it.

STEP TWO:
Pull upward, wedging their underwear painfully between their butt-cheeks.

Lunch Money

"Mugging" is Such an Ugly Word...

Bullying takes a lot of effort.

You'll need to be compensated.

Demand your victim give you their lunch money. (You can make $1 to $5 daily!)

At first, you may have to take the lunch money by force--you may even need to enlist the help of your friends--but eventually your victim will wise up and hand over the cash without fuss. At this point, the beatings you dish out will be optional.

Flat Tire

There are many ways to trip and push your victim--from simply extending your food at they walk by to tying their shoelaces together. The classic "Flat Tire" maneuver goes like this:

STEP ONE:
Walk closely behind your victim.

STEP TWO:
When the time is right, step on their heel. (The back of their shoe).

STEP THREE:
Make sure you keep your foot firmly in place. This will cause your victim to trip (and maybe even fall!). This will also let your victim know that your actions were on purpose and this was not a "flat tire" that one gets when accidentally walking too closely behind someone else.

Credits & Thanks