Calling in sick - tips, moral support and techniques to avoid guilt, unsavoury repercussions and potential unemployment........

I cannot stress the importance of preparation strongly enough - but have no fear this will not further drain your depleted resources, and can easily and effectively be executed from bed (assuming you can read this online I am guessing a telephone is not too far away in any case)

But - to be sure of the result you are hoping for - before you pick up the phone make sure you are clear on what you will say, how you will say it and are ready for any likely questions that may be thrown at you.

By following my simple four point plan you can approach this with the confidence of knowing that you will give it your best shot - and that you have at least a better chance of getting the day off than just doing this alone. (Let's face it if you had the capability of doing this alone you probably would not be reading this now)

Remember:
- Sickness is a right - not a luxury.

- Making sick people work is cruel and should not be encouraged, either directly as an employer or indirectly by employees going unnecessarily.

- Do not succumb to feelings of guilt about hangovers. If you drank THAT much last night you probably needed to. If you felt professionally fulfilled, balanced and rewarded then you wouldn't be in the condition in which you find yourself now - so it is a work-related illness from which you are suffering.

- Also do not compare yourself or your situation with the colleague who has never missed a day's work in their life.. Further scrutiny will reveal they have no life, and therefore no motivation for staying at home.

- Be careful, and responsible. Just because Mr Boss doesn't recognise your symptoms does not mean they are not significant. In the long term you may actually be saving your company millions in law suits by not having to sue them retrospectively.

Some details may be subject to regional law / customs (in which case I would strongly suggest you check before committing to any course of actions) but generally the following rules apply.

1. Don't lie. Lie's are dangerous, and can lead to repercussions down the line (do not say you have lost a finger only to return to work the next day with both hands intact and miaculously healed)

2. If you have no choice but to use your powers of invention - be discrete and use your common sense. Keep it realistic - do not claim to have contracted a new strain of a sub-tropical primate disease if you live in the North pole.

3. Avoid references to specific doctor-diagnosed illnesses - these develop expectations of doctor's visits with employers resulting in excursions away from your bed where you are undoubtedly safer and likely to recover more quickly.

4. Visualise a symptom (the more physically uncomfortable or intimate the better) to hint at to your boss, without elaborating too fully. This builds empathy and demonstrates to your boss both that you are suffering, that you are probably protecting them from the most gory details and that they really, really do not want you around them today.

5. Leave the possibility of the illness continuing over an unspecified time. A simple phrase like "I hope to be better tomorrow" or "If I am not feeling any better this time tomorrow I'll go and see if the doctor can help"

You know your sickness, you have chosen your symptoms - get ready for the call.

In this game delivery is everything. Sound too confident (or well) and your boss may not be convinced, and press the issue with uncomfortable questions and unreasonable demands of proof. Sound too weak and pathetic and suspicion may also result.

The trick is to be ready with your script. Think about exactly how you will tell your boss what you want to say before you pick up the phone.

The first rule is to keep it simple. Outline the issue, the impact for you, apologise for any inconvenience and then get the hell off the phone. Police Detectives, lawyers, teachers and bosses are all trained in interrogation techniques designed to elicit incriminating details from suspects - they will use silence, open questioning techniques and other wiles to try and put you on the spot. DO NOT LET THEM CONTROL THE CONVERSATION!!!!

Remember if the conversation becomes unusual, or your reactions and responses do not feel natural - this can always be blamed later on the cabinet of drugs you have taken to try and bolster your system to come into work, before finally admitting defeat and calling in sick.

Once you have your lines ready - try reading them out loud to establish the flow of ideas - from one piece of information to another. When done effectively your boss will be left with little to ask or say except to wish you a speedy recovery.

When you are ready, pick up that phone, breath in deeply and dial..... unless...

The ultimate delivery is by proxy - getting someone else to call in sick for you. This approach has many advantages - not just of avoiding telephone contact with your boss. By arranging for your spouse / partner to call the boss cannot ask tricky questions, attempt to undermine your evidence or otherwise give your story undue scrutiny. Partners are immune from doubt, and all the other quirks of direct authority. Be careful though if you choose this option, as you will need additional supporting reasons why you are not able to make the call yourself.

The advantages of getting a partner to call in sick for you are obvious - you don't have to do anything yourself, your boss is less likely to apply pressure and guilt trips and it seems more convincing as you must be REALLY sick if you can't call in for yourself.

It's easier said than done though - and may often need some persuasion on your loved one to get them to perfom this oh so valuable and personal service. So.. how do you get a reluctant partner to call in for you?

1. Play the sympathy card. Shamelessly ham it up. After all you must be in a pretty pathetic way to even consider this gambit - so go for broke. Explain the shocking psyche-tricks your boss has been trained to use.. explain that you fear you may break down and don't want to give them the satisfaction... explain finally that you just can't face it... cry if you have to (isn't even that humiliation better than the alternative?)

2. Use emotional blackmail. Tell your partner that you would do it for them (true or not likelhood is they'll probably never ask) Tell them that if they really loved you they wouldn't think twice... Tell them that if they don't you dont' know just what you'll do - and may end up going in and getting even more seriously ill....

3. Use logical argument, Explain that you must need their help on a really deep, insecure psychological level - otherwise why would you have asked them. Explain that logically you realise it is a coward's way out, but that the realisation of that fact only serves to deepen your concerns about some dreadful emotional crevasse at whose very existence you had not even guessed up to this point - but which obviously needs some desperate and immediate attention....

4. If all else fails (or you're single) you still have options - get ne of your parents to call, get someone else's parents to call, call yourself and pretend to be someone else.........

1. If you really are sick - go to work.

Face it - you are going to be miserable anyway, and this builds a fantastic cover for when you need a different day off. After all - if your boss and colleagues see you running a temperature and sweating like a fountain with legions - but still dutifully punching in for work, how much more credibility will you have when you do finally succumb to a sickness?

2. Don't do just Mondays and Fridays.

Bosses are trained to look for 'behavioural patterns' in employees. The only way to avoid suspicion in this area is to skillfully pitch well above the bar (this is also known as the double bluff technique) If you really NEED that Friday - then start the sickness on the Wednesday, call sick on the Thursday, and make it sound as dreadful as is realistically believable.

3. Don't call in sick on the last day a big project is due in.

This sucks and is almost impossible to cover convincingly. Although for advanced practitioners this can be used as a 'triple bluff' - ie it would be the stupidest thing to lie about being sick on this day - so anyone doing it must be either sick or be in dire risk of losing their job anyway... or not care... or both. This really is a last resort tactic.