How to Change Kids Behavior

We cannot change another person's behavior. Only they can change their behavior. We might work with them, communicate with them, and counsel them during the behavior change. Ultimately, the choice is there's to make. If they don't want to change they won't: period.

Hold on though! Hope is not lost! There are things you can do to improve the odds that they will want to change their behavior.

Follow these positive parenting tips, use sound positive parenting techniques, and learn to apply effective behavior modification techniques, and you greatly improve they odds that they will want to change their behavior.

You don't change their behavior. They do.

Consistency is one of the most powerful tools you have in your parenting tool kit. If you look closely at the behavior you want your kid to change, you just may find that you consistently do something to unintentionally reward the behavior you dislike so much.

• Do you give in to whining and begging? If you do, you just asked for more of it.


• Do you negotiate after your "final" decision has been made? If you do, you just encouraged them to negotiate longer and harder.


• Do you look the other way when you are "too tired to deal with it?" If you do, you rewarded your kids for taking advantage of your diminished energy level.

No matter how tired, hungry, angry, sad, or frustrated you are, you must consistently apply the same rules and decision criteria to what you do with and for your kids.

Consistency counts.

This secret falls in line with the one above - consistency counts.

If you:

• Rescue them from trouble they brought on themselves,


• Intervene when they are about to make a mistake*,


• Create artificially harsh punishments just because you are angry

you have violated the principle of consistency as a parent.

If you want appropriate behaviors from your kids, they always need to know what to expect as a result of their behaviors. By consistently apply sound behavior modification techniques as the situation calls for them, you can influence your kids to change their behavior.

*Health, safety, and life protection situations clearly call for intervention. We don't recommend that you let your child get seriously injured or killed in the name of "teaching them a lesson."

Let them experience the natural consequences of their decisions.

We believe strongly in clearly defined rules and expectations. We give full weight to the idea that children should be held accountable for their actions. We have no problem setting and enforcing rules.

That being said, we have learned that relationship matters more that rules when it comes to changing your kid's behavior. When you focus on the relationship first, everything you do takes on a more positive aspect.

Our kids are now teenagers, and we sometimes have to address inappropriate behaviors or poor decisions. Because we have invested heavily in the relationship, we can hold them accountable to the rules in a way that teaches the lesson AND preserves the relationship.

Now, we seldom have to resort to harsh disciplinary approaches. Our relationship with our kids gives us influence with them. Since we cannot change their behavior, our influence gives us a tool we can use to encourage them to change on their own.

Relationship matters more than rules.

This is one of our biggest positive parenting tips, and, in many ways, this is a continuation of secret number four.

Making sure that they know that you love them takes work. You have to speak with them, have fun with them, and spend time with them. All of the effort to demonstrate your love for them will probably happen when they are not behaving in a way that you want them to change. However, the investment of time before you need to exert your influence with them will give you leverage when the time comes.

We contend that loving them may mean anything from giving them a hug to holding them accountable for a poor decision. Both of these extremes can be a representation of your love for them.

No matter what your kids do, make sure they know that you love them.

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