How to Fail at a Date

(Please remember, this article only condones failing at a date. I take no responsibility for the discretionary behavior some of you crazies exhibit in a social environment.)

Boy, we always want to succeed on a date don't we? That's the only way to impress the opposite sex. Otherwise we'd all just hang out with our bros getting drunk and high together. Yeah, that sounds great

1. Don't take a shower. Hell, don't take a shower from the time you schedule a date to the time you go out on the date. If you can make your essence smell more distinctive than the chick's perfume, you know you're doing it very very right.

2a If it's a first date and she seems like a modest girl, wear an expensive suit. Preferrably the color neon red. Something that makes you look like you belong at the Flamingo Club picking up transvestites. If you take her to a fancy restaurant, wear short shorts.

2b. If you are a girl, wear something you'd only wear if you were trying to spite your parents. If you're uncomfortable being so immodest, dress up as a nun.

3a. Do not flirt. Just sit there and nod or shake your head when he or she asks you questions. But if you feel the need to speak, talk about the weather. By all means, talk about the weather. Whenever you say the word cirrus clouds, start panting as if Scarlett Johansson was dirty-talking you under the table.
3b. If she happens to be a meteorologist, talk about your firm support for global warming because of how much you want to eat the drowned carcasses of polar bears. She will probably get mad at you for the global warming.

4. Whisper these words often into his or her ear, preferrably without context:
If you are a dude: "NFL", "fantasy football", "World of Warcraft", "XBox 360".
If you are a chick: "marriage", "commitment", "I love you", "diamond rings", "XBox 360".

5. When ordering food, ask her to recommend foods, even if she's never been to the restaurant. If your date recommends something, ignore and order something that will be sure to piss them off. If they're a vegetarian, order the heaviest meat dish.

6. If your dating partner does not enjoy NASCAR or Keystone Light, take him or her to the nearest X rated movie theater you can find, filled with, and ex-Governors of New York. And I don't mean high-class Bertolucci. Please find something more mentally reprehensible to eyes, ears, and your schlong/assets.

BONUS: Pretend to enjoy it. If you are really insane, enjoy it.

7. Constantly remind your date that you're a virgin, whether you are or not. Especially if they've dropped the hint they've had sex before.

8a. If you're a guy, slowly start taking your clothes off on the ride back. Of course, start with the modest parts (shoes, socks, sandals, ties, watches). This will ensure your date that you are either a serial killer or one of Nurse Ratched's patients. At a stop sign she might even get off. You'll have an awesome story to tell your kid

8b. If you're a girl, start asking "When are you going to pay up?". They'll stare at you with horror the whole way home.

9. If you actually think you have a chance with your date, ask them who their worst enemy is and ask for their number. Then follow the steps above.

Let me know how your disaster date goes in the comments.