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Share Your Thoughts about Your Relationship

From the lens How to Fall in Love with Your Husband Again.

Whether you want to share a thought or ask a question - please feel free to do so.

  • The grown up Mar 27, 2012 @ 10:55 pm | delete
    This article covers everything I'm experiencing. I've been married for almost 15 years and have known my husband for 20. We have 2 beautiful boys who are the lights of my life. I am educated and have a successful career. I only bring this up because in some ways it has contributed to my feelings. My husband is, in many ways, a child himself. I've often said I have 3 boys. Yes he's fun loving and can be funny which make him a fantastic father. If it wasn't for this, we'd be finished. I have been successfully employed and been the breadwinner by a long shot the whole time I've known him. He's been unemployed (quit and let go) and has had 6 jobs in the last 9 years. He's not handy around the house, he can't cook and doesn't clean much. He mows the lawn in our large property and takes out the garbage but that is the most consistent thing. I do all the groceries, make 90% of our dinners and do 90% of the housework. He would, of course deny those percentages. Our kids have noticed that I do all the housework. We try our hardest not to put the other person down in front of the kids, though up until a year or so ago, I would occasionally call my husband lazy in front of them (when he was laying on the couch watching tv or playing online poker). He got really angry about that one time so I don't say that anymore but I definitely think it! I'm tired of always having to be the grown up. I've worked hard all my life, including working while going to school and getting my degree (while he got paid minimum wage at a dead end job). I make an excellent living and we wouldn't be in our home if it wasn't for me. I get zero appreciation, credit or thanks. I have to pat myself on the back . Last year, my husband finally got a well-paying job and got an unexpected $5000 bonus last December. Know what I got for Christmas? A shoe organizer. I'm not attracted to him anymore and we've had sex a few handfuls in the past 2 years. I'm fairly attractive though we've both put on a few pounds , however we are far from overweight. 10-15 pounds. But he is a Neanderthal and he embarrasses the heck out of me, especially in front of my co-workers. He eats with his mouth open, drinks way too much at my work functions despite my anger, pleading and my early departure and he has horrible breath at times. I just don't know what to do. I don't really believe in divorce if there are kids involved, if it is not a situation of abuse. I don't think he does either. Our children are amazing, polite, well liked, intelligent well adjusted kids. A divorce will rock their world. Besides I'd probably have to pay alimony (though he may not take it). I don't know if what we have can be saved. My parents have a loveless marriage though I believe they care for each other. My inlaws are together but their dynamic is weird as well. Sadly, my husband is a nice guy so this just makes me feel like crap. But it's hard to fix anything when his response to my concerns is "what's your problem" or "give me a break". There's no accountability there and he won't shoulder any responsibility or ownership, let alone apologize. It feels very lonely.
  • 1yummymommy Mar 19, 2012 @ 2:37 am | delete
    Omg, I am so thankful or this site and knowing I'm not alone. Just being able to vent!!! But even better to people who get it. I write this as my husband and I are on a trip that I won at work. Last night, he was completely drunk and stayed up till 3 plaging stupid frat party drinking games. WE ARE 44 YEARS OLD!!! And i forgot to mention that i went back to our room at 11:30 feeling sad and lonely. I can not stand him when he drinks. He doesn't drink very often (about 4-5 times a year) but when he does, he gets disgustingly drunk and is basically useless for 2 days after. He is a Neanderthal who chews with his mouth open, snuffles like a snotty 8 year old and has horrible breath when he drinks. He's had 6 jobs in 9 years and I have always always made a lot more money than him. He finally has a great job now but I still make a lot more than him. Must be my university education. He doesn't cook, or clean much and he is definitely NOT handy. He can be very lazy too but that word infuriates him if I call him that. BUT....and this is a very big BUT... He is a great father. He spends so much time playing with our kids (he is a kid himself, after all) and the boys adore him. And they are the most amazing, smart, well behaved kids. My husband is basically a good guy, which makes this so much harder. But he makes me feel horrible about myself. And that is just not right. I am a fairly strong, reasonably fit, intelligent, hard working, attractive person and I do well in my job but I have very little confidence and my self-esteem is very low. I really strongly believe in a traditional family unit so I can't consider divorce an option. We don't communicate (I gave up trying bc he doesn't listen or remember or care) and I know he isn't in love with me either. He doesn't try at all and hasn't for even longer than I. But he still complains about the lack of sex, like it's all my fault and that I've got the problem. How do you get over being turned off my our man-child husband who constantly embarrasses me, especially in front of my co-workers? Helpful, constructive or positive comments welcome. Thank you.
  • Steve Mar 6, 2012 @ 4:45 pm | delete
    Ok here's one from the other side of the fence.

    My wife and I have been married 8 years, and we have 2 kids.
    In the past few months I've learned that my wife is no longer in love with me. fair enough back then - I only helped with housework occasionally. I always help with the kids, bath them, read bedtime stories etc.
    She was always too tired for sex. And when I look back, she was probably right. But after discussions on this I decided to change it and now I stack the dishwasher every day, and make sure the house is clean after the kids go to bed. There isn't much else I can do - I work full time, my wife stays home with the kids. I feel exhausted at the end of each day when I sit down after doing these chores. She has now taken up cooking cakes etc in her new found spare time...and its clear she is loving the chance to pursue her hobby.

    However, nothing changed as far as our marriage is concerned. She tells me she loves me and she will give me a cuddle once a day. She is an "acts of service" person, so she likes to be shown love through me doing housework etc. But now that I've been doing that for a month or so, not much has changed. There is no sex (or, if there was, its just her lying there hoping it doesn't take too long so she can go to sleep).

    She's just not into me at all. I find it difficult to be truly happy, knowing I'm stuck here - I cant go forward and I cant go back. I'm only 30, and it scares the hell out of me to think I need to go through the rest of my life like this.

    I'm sure she's not happy, although she behaves as if she has everything she wants in life (although to be honest, she does have house, car, kids, husband who helps out lots with both house and kids, she's got her mum nearby and pretty much all her old life plus me and the kids).

    So really, I'm not sure if there's anything left for me to do. I'm miserable.
  • TandCrecruitment Mar 3, 2012 @ 6:00 pm | delete
    I am very much in love with my hubby to be. I hope that we are the same in 20 years time.... How ever I can feel it in my heart of hearts he is the one.... MY ONE after 6 years of being pushed a side, and dangled on a string by my (childhood sweetheart) I spent 6 years wondering if he would get down on one knee, and have another baby with me, and actually move in (NO) he never did... He watched me and his daughter live in poverty whilst he stayed at home with his parents. But that is all in the past...... I have such a POSITIVE and wonderful future.... I know now it happened to strengthen my love with my soul mate :-) (EVERYTHING happens for a reason)
  • mojo Mar 2, 2012 @ 3:07 am | delete
    Well me & my spouse met in a mess I just left my 1st husband of 24 mths due to verbal& physical abuse, I just had his child and 2 before that then he bcame a monster I wrked N law enforcement and one day I heard this guy sounding like Elvis ppl laughing , so l go 2 c & I cldnt stop laughing, no one especially a guy has ever made made me feel like that & he looked like Jon B the singer I loved( sexy) so I had enough of the 2 st and left with my cat & kids clothes gave him everything. Divorced him. So my husband now was married 4 7 yrs b/c he got her knocked up n high school & if he didn't she was going to have to get an abortion. His mother said no he will marry her he was in high school. Well he just told her it was over and she needed to leave they never love each other she had other relationship as well, but their son was 7 as well..so his mother hated me b/c I was black and he just didnt take up for me, I never said anything out of respect 4 him but to this day I still don't go to her house she has his Asian exwife picture up and none of me or our kids. She compares our girls weight and told one to go on a diet, made her sleep in the couch she was 6 at the time.. believe me they don't go now..I have major resentment towards ny husband b/c he doesnt take up for me ( us), even if its a problem with a bill, like my balls are bigger! He doesn't communicate we can have a convo b/c he doesn't response unless he takes up for the person 1 st , never buy me things anymore, never go out, no night calls his been in 3 sht 4 12+ yrs , so u have to sleep alone, the Passion is gone we go 3-5 w/ sex & n our30' s.I chged my hrs to 10' s mon- thurs 8-630 so we cld.all Friday to be together needlesss to say I may be back on my old schedule. I always give up things for his fixing his lunch , i do get flowers just b/ c, or b/c I'm beautiful, or its wed, it that I'm on his mind... I want to see he is in love me with protecting, cuddling, listening, helping, understanding, taking my side, just getting back into me like before in bed talking laughinghrs a great guy and father I love him but in LOVE :S
  • Hana Feb 26, 2012 @ 7:55 pm | delete
    painful to be in this situation.
  • SweetNessLost Feb 23, 2012 @ 10:20 pm | delete
    This won't be too long....I'm not in love with my husband and am preparing to leave him. We have 2 children together. We each came into the relationship with a child....so yes that's 4 kids...whew. Basically, I manage everything all by myself. The household affairs, children, plus work full time (not to mention the million other things I do). Have been married for 10 years as of last week. I've been wanting to leave for the last 5 or so...
  • Kate Feb 17, 2012 @ 9:15 pm | delete
    My husband makes time for everyone else but not for me, he'll stay up late for others but not for me. He thinks cuddling is sitting on the same couch. And communication, what's that, we only say a couple of words to eachother of utmost importance like pass the salt. He can't carry a conversation with me even if he really wanted to. I don't know how you others do it out there.
  • Marsh Feb 14, 2012 @ 3:40 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been together for about a year and a half (married for a year and 3 months), we also have a 9mo old. He's always been short-tempered and selfish, but it didn't seem like a big deal to me as I've always been around short-tempered, selfish men. I think that I'm reaching a point in my 36 years of living where I'm just tired of having to deal with someone who will rant and rave over a spoon not going just right into the dishwasher ... SERIOUSLY?!?!

    I sacrifice everything for my marriage, family & household (including moving out of state to accept a job 3 weeks after a C-Section). He tells me I'm selfish if I ask him to do something at 6 am if he worked from 6pm-11pm the night before. BTW: I will wait up for him almost every evening that he works late like this, so we're getting the EXACT same amount of sleep plus I also have a FT job, too. Actually, his is technically FT, but he works PT hours. So, Boo Freaking Hoo ... Man-up! Sorry.

    He spends money (that I am mostly making because not only do I have the higher salary, but I'm currently FT instead of his PT) like its water. He gets a dollar and starts talking about things he wants that cost $1.50. Anytime there is conversation in my house it is generally him talking about his plans for the future and how he wants a nice house and a certain kind of truck, I am VERY tired of hearing this mess...because I picture me being the one that would have to pay for all of this.

    I've become very bitter and resentful towards him. Not only for the aforementioned reasons, but because his ex-wife keeps coming around. There was a week last year that is completely unexplained wherein he would disappear for hours at a time and her number started showing up on caller-id. I think something happened, but I can't prove it. He knows I think something happened, too.

    I feel like nothing around him...a paycheck maybe...? I don't want divorce because I want my son to grow up with both of his parents. I feel nothing for my husband, though. In fact, when he kisses me I feel as if I'm going to be sick. Even now, typing this, my stomach is doing flip flops.
  • Hana Feb 26, 2012 @ 7:52 pm | delete
    I'm feeling the same way too, I can't cuddle with him anymore. I don't feel happy when he's around. I got pregnant early with my husband.only 19 yrs. during those time, he neglected me and wants abortion. he can't tell his or my parents about it. he's a coward. but i got the courage to tell his mom about it. after that, we lived in his house. everything's ok with his family, they're nice. but from that moment, i felt that i began losing my feelings for him. plus the frequent fights, with physical and verbal abuse. those was 4 years ago. i now have a job, he has part time. he's less impatient now.he says that i should be thankful because he's nicer now but the things that happened in the past years just took my love for him. i just don't feel anything in my heart for im.
    im also like you,i don't want my son to grow up with a broken family but i've been hurt. he says that i should forget the past because he's nicer now but what about all the pain and emotions that ive endured those past years? i can't seem to forget very easily.
    plus i don't want to have sex with him anymore. i just can't take it.
    i'm very sad right ow.
    what can i do
  • babynessbanks Feb 28, 2012 @ 11:38 pm | delete
    honey, from one woman to another, if you are not happy your children will not be happy.
  • 1yummymommy Mar 19, 2012 @ 2:40 am | delete
    Hi. I feel your pain and frustration as I am there myself. It helps to know you're not alone but it still hurts.
  • awesomedealz4u Feb 11, 2012 @ 8:33 pm | delete
    Great info.
  • Ann Feb 5, 2012 @ 8:22 pm | delete
    I never loved my husband. I got pregnant and ran down the aisle before my parents could figure it out. At the altar, I wanted to bolt and kept looking at the church door. I kept telling myself to run and never look back. If I had the kind of parents who would have helped me out emotionally or given me a place to stay, I would not have married him. I was out of a job and out of money... and so I had sex with a rich guy. I felt like a prostitute. He knew I was on hard times and gave me money and gifts. If it was sex for money, perhaps I could have lived with that, but then I accidentally got pregnant. He wanted to marry me before I got pregnant. He never helps me with anything at all around the house or with the kids. He's older than me and an alcoholic. He's super successful, which is weird for someone who drinks. He gave up drinking lately. Except for sex, he isn't affectionate. I know he loves me to pieces. I feel guilty that I have never loved him. You can't get back what you never had. Sometimes I'm into sex because I just need it, but I'm not attracted to him at all. I turn out the lights because if I look at him, I just can't have sex. I thought I'd leave him once my child was born and I should have, but my mother talked me out of it and my father had died. My mother didn't want me. I had no job and no jobs were available in my field of work. I decided to have another child just to keep busy and that child had huge handicaps. Mostly they have gotten over them, but it's still a steep climb. I ended up staying married because my second child also had huge health problems and bills. My husband supports me financially and very well at that. My child gets excellent health care. I was then stuck, really. I could never earn the money my husband does and be a mother. I'm too old now after 27 years of marriage to move on to someone else or live alone. I'm in my 50's and haven't worked now in years. I can't get back what I never had and I wish my husband would leave me alone sexually. He has no idea I never loved him ever. It would hurt him too much for me to admit that. So I stay and I am the best actress in the world. I pretend everything is great. He almost seems autistic to me or has those traits. He just doesn't get what is socially appropriate at all. To think myself stuck with this situation for the rest of my life, does get depressing. I guess I look around the world and life could be worse. I have a roof over my head, food on the table and health insurance. It's still sex for money and perhaps it's the kind of marriage people had when love had nothing to do with marriage. I provided sex and offspring for him. He provided protection and money. I wish I had more guts at my age to move on, but I'm just too old. The worst part of it is, that an old boyfriend who I was in love with and left... came looking for me when I was pregnant. I wish I had been at my parent's house. I would have begged my old boyfriend to help me out and he would have. He would have taken me and my child in. I know he would have. He was so upset to find out I was married. If only I had been there the day he showed up at my parent's house to claim me. I know he would not have turned me away. That was the love of my life that I stupidly let go over something so dumb. I blew it and now he is married to a gorgeous woman, though they never had children, he raised hers. That could have been me. I made my bed and I am laying in it.
  • mun ha Jan 16, 2012 @ 12:01 pm | delete
    my husband is quite good looking when i met him 6 yrs ago.but he changed a lot after married.he doesnt want to care about his look.he even seldom comb his hair,making himself like a "beggar" look.he dont cut his hair,but when he do,he will cut his hair very short(ugly),futhermore his hair almost all white although he was only 38.the short hair making his white hair obviously seen.he look like 60 yrs old.i feel i was outing with my dad and he look even older than my dad.his character also changed.in several occasions,he will raised his voice and argue with waiter/waitress whenever the foods or drink is not available or out of order,(he will ask them stupid questions) making me so embarrassed and no mood already in dining.i no longer enjoy outing with him.i start feel disgust wth him sometimes and i dont feel wanna close to him especially his appearance.i afraid i will have nightmare cz i can tell u that he really look like an old man to me plus his dark skin.i know i should not critic or look down our life partner.i will accept if this is out of his control but is not.whenever i ask him to make himself look a bit better,he will give me excuse afraid many girls will seduce him and he said "its ok,im married" i told him i will be proud if my frenz said my husband good looking.but he seem dont get it cz he replied dont bother ppl think.6 yrs ago (before married) ppl always praise my husband saying he look younger than his age.i feel very unhappy staying with him nowadys.last time,the most thing i enjoy and happy was outing with him.now even outing with him,i also feel unhappy.i mean there is no more happiness in me with this man.i duno what to do,i wish he can give me back all the feelings and love.
  • babynessbanks Feb 28, 2012 @ 11:36 pm | delete
    If your unhappiness with you husband come only from what he looks like and the way other people look at him, maybe you dont deserve him. there are women in this world being physically battered by their husbands to the point of hospitilization, women being verbally assaulted by the men they love until they want to kill themselves. And you want to leave him because you dont like his haircut? i think you've missed the point joining with another person in marriage.
  • sunshine Jan 15, 2012 @ 11:54 am | delete
    I've been married for 8 years. Things are not the same as it use to be. We have 3 young children. I love my family. During this hard times in my marriage I fell in love again with my exboyfriend over the internet. I don't love my husband anymore but I wanna make my marriage work and forget the boyfriend. How can I fall in love with him again? He loves me very much. Please help!
  • wheresthekarma Nov 16, 2011 @ 11:00 pm | delete
    I have a blog about love, I am going to include this on there :)
  • M Nov 11, 2011 @ 1:07 pm | delete
    My marriage is in shambles. My husband abused drugs for over a year without me even knowing. He turned into a completely different, rude, mean, irresponsible, jerk of a man and no matter how hard I would cry to him and ask him why he was changing so much he would not give it up. It wasn't until the day that I found a pill on the floor of our bedroom that I really put two and two together. I have a 1 year old little boy and a 6 year old little girl - either one of them could have picked this pill up and taken it. When it finally donned on me what exactly was happening I confronted him about it. He looked at me with the most disgusting look in the world like how could I ever even attempt to ask him such a question. Well, sure enough, turns out he was taking any pills he could get his hands on to the tune of about $1,000 month - no wonder my power, water, gas, and tv kept getting shut off. It enfuriates me everytime I think about it. Why he would do that to me, to himself, to his kids, why he would be so irresponsible. Why, when I cried to him about his attitude, his temper, the lack of sexual contact between the two of us did he not fess up. I am just so crushed and he is off the pills now but I cant seem to find a way back to falling in love with him. I feel like I have forgiven him in a sense but I just don't love him anymore. I don't necessarily want a divorce, thinking of my poor kids but then again what kind of life will they have in a household with no love. He loves me sooo much and just wants us to be the same but its never going to be the same, not after something like this. Any advise for me?? I'm drowning here
  • kris Aug 21, 2011 @ 4:21 pm | delete
    I feel lousey! I have been in love with my husband for a very long time but recently his habits are really turning me off. alot of weight gain caused by drinking. Gambling losses are becoming a resentment.
    I know in my heart he has illness and I really love him and want to help but I am having trouble being IN LOVE with him. There is a lot of hurt in my heart.
  • Duglaiglas Jul 2, 2011 @ 11:16 pm | delete
    Whoa!! A subject that I could rant about for hours... as a male, divorced, believer of marriage, non-cheater or ever been cheated on... women's one area where they give up prematurely.

    Women have made many advances in today's society - but - I firmly believe that you do not clearly see the man you are (about to or are) currently married to. And, at the risk of sounding super old-fashion, I believe the bible spells things out really well... but it does require some indepth interpretation. Starting in Genesis: A woman desire should be towards her husband... who is her head. Simple black and white... where desire is concerned - but the extension of that has to find form, or even better a function.

    The husband is the house-band... and if you don't fit into his vision for where his family should go... or maybe he doesn't have a vision - then you really need to seek THIS INFORMATION TO SEE HOW YOU CAN MORE CLOSELY love the man himself.

    Does he want a basketball team... or does he want a productive functioning intelligent set of humans who are ready to change the world?? As a wife, you can tell if you're the gal for the job (make an informed decision). Then consult the next scripture ... line by line ... without your biases. Ephesians 5;20-33; also Colossians 3 or Titus 2.

    Ephesians and Genesis point to the objective of PURITY - as women are always being saved (or if you will "Taken care of") b/c they submit to the chain of command like on your job; front receptionist, secretary, supervisors, and the boss (God/husband). Some people never see there boss ... but you still respect the bosses authority as passed down.

    Love can flow out of understanding... and reverence to what your husband represents vs. his habits and ideosyncrasies. A quick rant... not too thorough; gather your own conclusion. I apologize for preaching... (if you are mad, this was for you, specifically).

    Think purity (and giving love) ... and not selfishness - to bring clearer understanding.
    Post-note: Accepting a dumb man to marry - only makes him dumber when he is married.
  • ok Oct 4, 2011 @ 1:51 pm | delete
    @ Duglaiglas... you are right. Once again, society has found a way to make it the woman's sole responsibility/fault for the success or failure of a marriage. Women should absolutely bend over backwards to make it work at any cost. The should have no goals, dreams, thoughts, personal drive, or ambition outside of those dictates by "her man." You are absolutely dead on that marriage is about the happiness and contentment of the husband at the expense of the wife. But that is her role so......
  • the woman thats lost! Nov 27, 2011 @ 2:20 pm | delete
    I dont think u r right at all! I know what the Bible says, and I have tried to stand by my vowels to my husband! Women were put on this earth for a reason! I am not about to sit back and miserable for the rest of my life. i have not worked in over 6 years, since the birth of my 1st child. FYI: i have 3 and all by the same man. I have always doneby him and done things to make him happy and satisfy myself, but, I have lost the person that my parents have raised. The only things I have accountable for are my kids and my high school diploma. I got married when i was 18, had a baby 3 months later. i am now 25 and realized that I can not seem to find my purpose in life. i want to have fun when i do not have my kids, but, all he does is sucks the fun out of everything. I still love him, but i am not in love with him. i let for 2 weeks and felt so relieved b/c i had no-one to answer to, but, now that im back, i think his old habits r just gonna drive me away again. by the way, i came back for my kids, so that they would have a stable home. and my 6 year old has asked me if i still love daddy! i could not answer the question. there is a lot going on in my life that i am not gonna put out there on the internet.
  • Sneeze Nov 7, 2011 @ 11:44 am | delete
    Duglaiglas...you're an idiot. The woman's desire toward her husband was part of the curse. Through His death, Jesus reversed the effects of the curse. Husbands are equally responsible for love and desire in a marriage. Someone like you clings to the chauvinistic social practices of first century A.D. unable to separate them from the original pure, equal and unconditional love God established between a husband and wife. If I could describe you biblically, it would be Nabal. You're not worthy to have a woman as your superior on the job. Self-deceived "Christian" males like you wind up working for male bosses who are just like them -- pretending to acknowledge God but are given over to depraved minds, claiming to be wise you become more foolish by the minute.
  • Ann Feb 5, 2012 @ 8:55 pm | delete
    Yes Duglaiglas, women should be responsible to fix it all and not have a life. Be a second class citizen... but isn't that what the Bible is all about? The one written by men? How convenient for them.
  • Marsh Feb 14, 2012 @ 3:29 pm | delete
    The Bible discusses man as the head of the household, the leader. Its hard to "submit" to a man who doesn't take the reins as he should. What I find difficult to deal with is the idea of submitting to someone who gives me nothing to submit to all the while he selfishly says I'm to obey him because the Bible says to. The word "obey" is wildly misused in today's society. I don't think I should come home from a doctor's appt on my way to work in a rain storm, in heavy traffic (you all know how poorly people drive during severe weather) to get money from him to go to the store to get a special request item for lunch.
  • StellaSingles Jun 15, 2011 @ 8:52 pm | delete
    Falling out of love is a true thing, as ugly and unfortunate as it sounds. It is inspiring to hear stories about husbands and wives falling back in love with one another with just a little effort. Love isn't easy, but its worth it - great lens.
  • Radiant_Beauty Jun 3, 2011 @ 10:15 am | delete
    My husband and I have been married for 1 year, but were together (off and on) for 9. When we were dating, the issues with him being inconsiderate and even irresponsible were easier to ignore because we weren't married and I could send him on his merry way when it got to be too much. But, after we had our first child, him only doing the bare minimim to get by, never being reliable, and always leaving me to shoulder all the responsibilities just got to be too much. So, we broke up for 2 years. Then, he promised me he would do better. But, in all honesty, things got worse. Even now, we have 3 children and I feel the burden of not only working full time and supporting our family financially, but raising the children, maintaining the household (keeping home clean, cooking, washing, taking out trash etc), and trying to keep up with my school work as I am in grad school. Meanwhile, he won't keep or hold down a full time job and will complain about things that aren't done around the house while refusing to even lift a finger to help with those things; he has quit 2 full time jobs in less than 1 year. And Now, I feel as if I have outgrown him and have limited patience for his lack of do. I have prayed about it and really want to love my husband again. I just am finding that I don't. The more he refuses to do, the more I check out of the marriage (emotionally). I tried talking to him about these feelings a few months ago and he told me I was "overreacting and tripping over nothing". I have asked him about going to marriage enrichment counselors and even asked if we could plan a date night just once a week. He doesn't seem to want to do anything to make our marriage better and I am drained. I have already consulted with a divorce lawyer and am strongly considering getting out of the marriage altogether. I just can't seem to get over how a man can be so inconsiderate of his wife. I somewhat can get how a man who provides for his family thinks that the wife should take care of the homefront, but he's not even doing that and I am doing 99.9% of everything concerning our family and household. I welcome any advice. Perhaps there is something I am missing here.
  • Sneeze Nov 7, 2011 @ 11:54 am | delete
    Radiant Beauty, I feel for you. Unfortunately, sometimes we women make bad choices. As I once heard someone say, A snake is a snake-- if you take it home, it's still a snake. The most heartbreaking news is to wake up one morning and realize you've made a bad marital choice. However, it is not impossible for God to change him. Sometimes a person cannot hear God's voice because their spouse is too busy talking over it. If you haven't tried this: #1) ask God to speak to your husband (i.e. reprimand him for his behavior towards you and your children). After you've done this, try to be quieter than normal, giving the Lord time to speak to him. #2) If you pray for a season and he doesn't change, you may have to legally seek what's best for you and your children. No use in putting their lives in jeopardy for both of you and your husband's foolish choices. If your husband is the one, God will bring the two of you back together the right way. If not, forgive and move on.
  • karitina May 18, 2011 @ 10:45 pm | delete
    I try everything but nothing works, he's cheats with other women
  • karynjane May 7, 2011 @ 2:20 pm | delete
    i don't love him as my spouse anymore and I am planning to divorce when my daughter goes to university. It will hurt everyone no matter what and I will not be happy in the rest of my life anymore no matter waht but at least divorce, I do not have to have sex with the person i don't love as a partner anymore. It hurts and it's a torture everytime when I have to have sex with him because it's a duty as a wife to fulfil his sexual need even though he knows i don't enjoy it. He just needs it.
  • heartbroken Aug 15, 2011 @ 2:23 pm | delete
    karynjane, mt wife of 25 years just walked out one year ago, she abandoned everything kids,home, spouce and all her belongings down to her tooth brush. and never returned. this broke my heart. is there a reason why women cant be open and honest with there feelings ? i would of handled this better if my wife would of given itto me straight up, instead of all the calculating and deceite she exposed. even after my wife told me it was over i still cared enough to help her with this transition in her life, i believe that most men that marry take this commitmute serious. PLEASE karynjane PLEASE be straight up with him your family deserves that respect . the way my wife abanndoned us it has destroyed 25 years of work . i would love to hear back from you.
  • kitty Sep 5, 2011 @ 8:34 pm | delete
    I completely understand . I have someone I to have sex with, because he wants it but so do I... I don't feel anything for him like I use to. nor does he feel for me. We never talk about it through ? ~! we just get together when we need this and than were done that's it we never talk about it ... sex...! because that's a no no nothing is ever discussed nothing i mean nothing!~! this is not healthy I know it; I want to run away?
    I have no where to go? . .
  • HELP So Tired!!! Apr 22, 2011 @ 8:42 am | delete
    Hey i want yall to know you really have given me inspiration and a lil hope i am in similar situation like all of you! I am 29 and I have been married for 3 years we have been together for 5 years we had many issues before we got married but when i became pregnant the pressure was on from my father and him that we needed to get married. II knew in my heart I did not want to marry him but felt I was doing the right thing for my son and did not want to disappoint anyone. I was one of those people who wanted to please everyone once I had my son I found my voice and realized that I have to live my life for me and I know I cannot make everyone happy. It has been a struggle we have separated once due to my husband just not being an adult and taking care of his responsiblity as a man as well as being inconsiderate about our sons upbringing when I say he dont do much is exactly what i mean. i must add he is 7 years older than me too. I will say our issues started from day 1 when i started dating him my fiancee at the time we were split up due to his controlling and violent stents he would have as he was drinking during this time he got another girl pregnant and we totally went our separate ways due to this. May I add I truly was in love with my ex and would have done anything for him but i wanted him to stop drinking but when the baby came into the picture it was too much for me to bear at the time and I felt he needed to be their with her for his child and that was the bed he mad. So instead of me taking time to myself and looking at the whole scenerio I allowed myself to be involved with my husband thinking this would help me forget my ex..Low and behold threw all my life changing events and not having contact with my ex for years I still have a very strong emotional and love my ex more than I do my husband. I prayed and asked God for guidance and everytime we loose contact he finds some way to find me no joke we both have separated and tried to work on our relationship once and it did not work because I feared my son becoming affected not seeing his father so I did not go threw with it. Me and my ex keep in contact he is now married to his childs mother and he claims he is unhappy as well as she..We have discussed in detail our situations and I know in my heart I will not be with my husband for years to come but I think I am more scared of my son growing up without a father because my husband has four other kids that he is not involved in thier lives how he should be. This fact actually disgusts me and I feel so bad about it when i ask about the children it turns into heated arguement. He also feels since he is older he does not value my opinions which is taking alot of me for so long i have walked on egg shells not wanting to argue now im at a point where i dont care..I love my husband but I am not in love with him and its so bad i am disgusted by him most of the time and don't even want him touching me..He is also very arrogant and thinks he is gods gift. I try so hard to give our relationship our all but I feel I keep ending up with the short end of the stick. Lastly, one of our most important issues is spirtuality we are on two diffrent spirtual levels I grew up in church and want my son to have the same expierence no I am not a saint but I feel you should pray and thank God everyday for just waking you up him on the other hand does not believe in God, heaven and does not even want to have converstations about the subject..I am in need of some real advice im at my wits end hear and so in love with another man that I want so badly..yea i know if i wanted my ex i prob could is i leave my husband but i am a firm believer how you start a relationship this how it will end and Im not ready to sign up for that!!! Im so confused i literally cry everyday about this deck of cards ive been dealt and trying to win this game called life!!
  • Trying but falling short Apr 14, 2011 @ 2:48 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years and married for 4. There have always been bumps along the way, mostly because we're both leader-types, and we both have quick tempers. I think I really started to fall out of love with my husband when I became pregnant with our first child in 2008. He was in school so I had to work right up until I went into the hospital. He didn't like driving downtown so I had to first drive him to school, then park a ways away from work, and then walk several flights of stairs to get to work. I worked 9 or 12 hours days frequently. When I got bronchitis, he told me I should still go to work because we didn't want to risk losing our health insurance. I finally couldn't get out of bed. I ended up developing preeclampsia and was hospitalized. It felt like he didn't care about any of my ailments or complaints until a healthcare professional told him that I was truly sick. Then the labor happened. We got into several fights before, *during, and right after labor. He actually yelled at me while I was in labor. To his credit, he was tired. He stayed with me the entire week that I was in the hospital. But this was when I began to have doubts about my own feelings toward him. He got a job a couple of days after I came home from the hospital. I was elated, but it didn't last for long. He informed me that of course I couldn't quit work because he wasn't going to earn enough. I do all the bills and financing so I knew that things would be tight, but they would still work. We fought all the way through my maternity leave, and then I decided to not return to work. We then fought again when our child turned one because he assumed that I would return to work. Now our child is two, and we found out recently that I'm expecting again. He's upset because he doesn't think it's fair that the whole financial burden falls on him. He doesn't acknowledge that I bring in a small income from babysitting, technical editing, and tutoring. I also completely take care of our 2 year old. He was upset for a bit that I stopped making dinner as often because I'm freaking exhausted. He's beginning to try to let up so I don't get as upset as I did last time when I was pregnant. I know he loves me and I see where he's trying, but it just feels a bit like it's all too late. I know I don't love him anymore, and it's so hard to look at him and tell him that I do. I'm trying to convince myself as much as him that I still do. He knows it, and it's really hard on him, I think. We can't afford counseling, or to go on a second honeymoon, or really anything where it's just the two of us. Yes, it's because I'm not also bringing home the bacon so maybe this is my fault. If feels good to get this anonymously off my chest. I still love him enough to not want to hurt his feelings.
  • Wc Apr 1, 2011 @ 9:55 pm | delete
    I've been married for 32 years and the last year has been one of the hardest. I owe a lot of it to things that rob and steal from marriages - time watching T.V., facebook. But I must really want it to work because I'm on this site searching for answers. God holds the key. I trust in Him.
  • Tried of waiting for a change May 20, 2011 @ 12:25 am | delete
    I have been married for 16 years, but I have have been in a relationship with my husband for 23 years and I am tried. I thought when the children got grown that it would be a lot of time for me and my husband. I have been praying that God renew this marriage. I know if God does not do it then it will not be done. I will pray for you and your marriage.
  • L.C. Jul 21, 2011 @ 10:01 pm | delete
    Good luck to you. I have been married 21 yrs, known my husband for 25. It is very hard to walk away from a marriage. You just want to keep trying. I hope it works for the best for both of us.
  • aching heart Mar 1, 2011 @ 6:39 am | delete
    I'm 35 years old and I;ve been married for almost 9 years now. My husband and i married rather quickly within the first year we met. We have two little girls and he has a daughter from his previous marriage. When I frist met my husband, I did not get the head over heels feelings, and I remember feeling like 'he was hard work'. We basically got married because we fell pregnant and I just went along with it without giving it much thought and consideration. Looking back now. I think I'm made a wrong move for myself and for my husband too, When the baby came along, my relationship got worse.. he started becoming emotionally and verbally abusive. That went on for 7 years. It's only the past year that he started to realise what he's been doing. However, I dont seem to be able to let go to the past and trust him enough. I do not feel comfortable with my husband. I always feel guarded, and i cannot be myself or speak my own truth. I feel really trap. Although he has been trying really hard to make things better like helping out more in the house, being really nice to me... but still I cannot fully let my guard down. This is so strained. Most people would say that your husband should be your best friend and brings out the best in you. BUt its not so in my case. He's becoming more of a stranger to me...I want to leave the marriage, but am unclear as to how this will affect the children. And I'll lose a lot of things too.
    .
  • change of heart Apr 29, 2011 @ 2:54 pm | delete
    i can relate, though we dated longer and i was not pregnant. i am not in love anymore. we are in the process of seperating now. just too many years of having the same fights and unloving treatment of my daughter from another marriage. he is a good person but i dont love him. it really sucks especially living under the same roof still.
  • annonymous May 4, 2011 @ 8:12 pm | delete
    Oh my gosh! I am going through the same thing. Don't worry about the "things" you will loose. they are just "things". worry about yourself and childrens salvation. Abuse is horible and it does strip away the trust indefinately, I am still trying to figure out if divorce is the right thing but every day I am closer to saying yes to divorce. God bless you and the decision yopu make.
  • marianne May 16, 2011 @ 8:41 am | delete
    OMG your story is so similiar to mine! im 38 been married 12 yrs and have 3 boys, but what happened in your marriage n feelings are so like mine! I think its hard when u feel like that, cos i think we have only ever been friends, i prob shud neva have married him and remained friends, so its hard to fall in love with soemeone "again" when u havent in the first place.... for me i have told my husband i want to seperate, he needs help for his issues and i need help to get stron again, then we will review it after 12 months. i have done a lot of research re the boys,they all agree in a perfect world everyone wouldbe happy to stay togther, but the key IS HAPPY, as were not its believed it can do more harm to your chiildren... they amazed me when i told them, its like they were accepting and could se how miserable i (we both have been) was... Take care!
  • No one there Feb 20, 2011 @ 6:13 am | delete
    I have been married for going on 18 years. He is a good man, but for the last year or so, he is impossible to be around. My three kids and me are constantly trying to fix everything so he doesn't have a reason to fuss. I am tired of it. Yesterday he told my daughter that since she had an attitude, he had to listen to me bitch about it. It really hit me hard. I haven't complained to him like that. I have told him about what his kids do both positive and negative. I guess he just doesn't want me to talk to him.

    I guess I have known this a while. We have had issues, but we made it through them in the past, but the difference what me. I fought to save our marriage. I'm tired of trying to make it work. He is so mean. That is why I can't leave him too. It would me my kids would be unsupervised with him. So, until my youngest is 18, I am here.
  • alone Feb 5, 2011 @ 7:16 pm | delete
    I have been married for 35 years. The past 5 years my husband has lost many jobs , he hasn't had a job for 2 1/2 years. Last August he severly hurt himself falling off the roof. I was happy to take care of him and glad he is alive. But now, that he is recovered, (still walks with a limp), I can't get him to participate in anything. He needs to find some kind of work, we can't pay the mortgage. I know he's depressed, but so am I. I find myself looking at other men and wishing I had a life again. How can I fall back in love with my husband or is it too late!
  • confused one Jan 27, 2011 @ 4:07 pm | delete
    My heart goes out to you all. Thank you for sharing your stories.

    Just as 'unhappy', I also met my husband (who is 6 yrs older than me) at 17. When we met, I was not so physically attracted to him. His personality had won me over. I felt he would make a good husband and father (also for cultural reasons, feeling the pressure to live up to certain expectations). I married him at 23 and am now 30. We have a 21 month old son.

    After being married for 6 years, we are struggling to say the least. Having met him at such an early age and growing up in the relationship put lots of pressure on the relationship itself. The young and naive girl I was (the experiences I had growing up with my dad and cultural background) had a great impact on the way I dealt with issues in my relationship. I did everything possible to avoid drama (stemming from abuse with my father), so if something bothered me, I didn't say anything about it. I just shut up and dealt with it in my own way. Needless to say, this caused lots of bottling up on my behalf and created ill feelings towards my husband over time as well as feelings of resentment. The personal growth I went thru during the 12 years we have been together, came across as 'change' an sometimes he couldn't understand why I did or said certain things. When my son was born, all the attention went to him and we totally lost our husband and wife relationship.

    Up until the birth of my son, I also handled 80% of our duties. I worked full time, paid all the bills, took care of household chores, dinner, etc. Never did I ask him for any help or question why he wasn't contributing more. Since the birth of my son, I've needed his help more in all aspects. However, because I never asked for any help before, now he feels overwhelmed with everything. I even went back to work when my son was 3 months old. This also created lots of ill feelings, cause as much as I liked to work, I didn't want to be feeling like I had to. I felt like I should be able to stay home with my child (instead of leaving him with this and that person every day) and depend on my husband to take care of us. But, financially, he hasn't done enough to get himself to a stable enough place to care for his family.

    Because of all these issues, now we are hanging on by a thread. It's to a point where I do not want any physical relations with him. I am so turned off because as I grew up, I realized I had married him for the wrong reasons. He was my way out of a household in which I felt trapped and abused. As the years passed, I realized my expectations more clearly and don't feel like he meets those expectations. I feel like I've settled for less than what I want. I feel like I have fallen out of love and not sure if I will ever feel the same way again.

    We have tried individual and couples therapy. Although, therapy has been really helpful in understanding myself and my emotions better, it will not help fix my relationship. I'm not sure where we stand now. Trying to communicate and give it a second chance for the sake of our son mainly. No one person goes into a marriage with the intentions of divorce down the line. However, life does have a plan for us all and sometimes, you just have to follow the path you were given.

    I'd love to hear your comments and advice... and wish you all the best. It is a really difficult place to be in, but never feel hopeless and stuck. It will be better! Just believe!
  • Wanting Love Feb 18, 2011 @ 12:34 pm | delete
    I thank you for sharing your experience. I truly hope the best for you and your family and that love will and has flourished. My grandma would have had a somewhat similar experience, I believe she met my grandpa at 16 or 17, the both of them married to escape their current situation as you had described in your story. They did stay married until their death, though sadly they did not feel the "in love" that we all want. I wanted to share with you how much that has meant to me over the years that though they did not have things as they would have wished, they remained dedicated to keeping their marriage. My Mom and her siblings of course would have wanted to see them as happy as can be, but I know that like me, they cherished the dedication. I certainly can't know anyone's situation thoroughly, and there are situations where divorce truly is best, but in what I have seen in family and friends, not being 'in love' does not hurt children anywhere near as much as divorce. Older children will likely notice if parents are not 'in love', as my parents did, but it taught me that I can't always have what I want (what a concept! :) ) It is sadly a hard, but very important lesson to learn. And knowing my grandparents and others live it teaches me far better than anyone telling me ever could.

    On a bit lighter note ... my Mom told me I don't always have to like my husband (Thank goodness or I'd be in trouble! ;) ). And I remind myself often that we can Love someone, everyone, without being 'in love' with them, it isn't ideal, but it keeps me.

    Lastly but to me most importantly, if you have faith in God, I highly recommend you pray that God would help you to love your husband as God meant for you to and that he would guide your husband and home. The times I have been faithful at this, I have been truly amazed at God's power. I wish you all the best.
  • kolab Mar 23, 2011 @ 4:39 am | delete
    infact from the very beginning i knew him i knew he is the man i have be waiting foir, imagine me saying that at the age of 21yrs n we got married 4yreas later n am telling you since i have knew him i have been the most happiness woman on earth n we did everything together and we are the bestest friends ever even thus we are couples, i loved him to bits n can do anything for him but till recent years,say about 1-2years now things are really falling apart between us and i on my most part trying as much as possible to always rectified the problems,we are married for 16years now with 5 great kids,he use to be more caring, adoring and considerate in those days but now i cannot really understand him anymore,he is like he always say he loves me but to me i dont think so because he never express these love gestures again as before,we dont reall communicate much except about bills,kids n friends but when our own personal issues is really outof it. he is sometimes nice but to me the niceness is a for reason now. i truly love him but am getting afraid that am now afraid that am now falling out of love with him as i feel the excitements again as before because it is getting on me that he doesnt care again about me or he is having an affair outside but to me if a man claim to love, he needs to constantly express that love to his wife,supports her needs and moreso always show appreciation for her efforts.or maybe am the one expecting too much from him but one will surely know if things arent going as before if u are married for that long! i want a marriage where i will feel love,safe,free freedom of speech,being myself not living in edge around him. i will want to regains that feeling again as i never wish in my life to have a divorce,or have another man sleeping with me,my faith as a real christain is so high but i know that the good lord will continue to help me becaue i so much love my children n they are very happy n feel love, so any dractic step might have effect on them negatively n i dont want that at all,so i have to keep gooing on n being there as if everything is ok.
  • SOOLDOOL Dec 25, 2010 @ 6:08 pm | delete
    I have been married for 12 years, but have never lived with my husband for more than a month in a year. Even before getting marriage my husband applied for higher education abroad and then secured a good job. I am reluctant to leave my family, home and career. But we both like of each other so we never raise a question of divorce. In fact we are quite passionate about each other and have discovered our own way of expressing passion for each other in the long distance situation. Seems working well as well. Our friends and family are shocked how we are able to manage long distance marriage for such a long time. Sometime we question ourselves as well.
    My dilemma is, this indeed seems very strange characteristic of marriage. I wonder if there are other people who are also in the similar situation.
  • unhappy Dec 15, 2010 @ 11:03 am | delete
    When I first met my husband I was 17. Things went bad quickly and at times were abusive. Then I was trying to figure out why I loved him so much. Now I can't figure out why I loved him at all. We spent about 2 out of our 6 year relationship separated. We recently started marriage counseling which is not helping at all. I can't let go of some of the things he has put me through that were so emotionally damaging that I don't see how I could ever forgive him even if he were to finally apologize (he still hasn't after knowing I have been waiting for 6 years) I feel no love at all for him, we sleep in separate rooms of the house and spend as much time away from each other as possible. I don't really want a divorce but it seems like the only option. Everyone keeps telling me I'm wrong for holding a grudge but after what I have gone through with him, it's almost like I don't have any more control over my feelings and I continue to resent him even when I don't want to. It seems my situation truly is hopeless.
  • Kay Dec 6, 2010 @ 5:23 pm | delete
    I fell out of love because he committed adultery. I don't see him the same anymore. I love him but cringe at the idea of sleeping with him. We've been together for 11 years (married for 7). Other than about his job, the kids and bills, we hardly have conversations anymore. We're really just going through the motions. I'm not excited when I see him or talk to him on the phone anymore. It kinda sucks but I guess that's life...
  • Tamera Jan 13, 2011 @ 4:42 pm | delete
    Kay, I am in the same boat as you. I met my husband @ 14. Dated only him every since. He is the only may I have ever slept with. We married when I was 21 and we have been married for 19 years now. Last Jan. I found out he had been having an emotional affair with a coworker. Things just have not been the same since. I never would have dreamed he would do such a thing...people, strangers, had even commented on how much we seemed to love each other.
    We have 3 children and I want to stay together for them. I love him, but I no longer feel in love. It has been the longest, lonliest, saddest, time of my life.
  • Shell Feb 18, 2011 @ 12:08 am | delete
    Your story Kay...it is exactly my story. The root of the problem, timelines, etc. I know exactly how you feel right now...I have been entertaining how to forgive vs. the reality that a cheater just is who he is...and that he may never love anyone as much as he loves himself....the broken heart speaking! The whole cringing thing...me too! If I give in, I feel regret and resentment!wow!The thing is, they feel it is up to us to change how we feel, don't they?
  • Mary Feb 21, 2011 @ 3:23 pm | delete
    I can completely relate to you as this has happened to me, when I thought we were happily married and even soul mates. It has been 5 years and it seems like it can never be the same again. As well I feel that I am going through the emotions and not sure what to do?
  • kolab Mar 23, 2011 @ 3:59 am | delete
    infact i feel the same way about mine. the excitements are just gone n it is very sad for me being married for 16 years n knowing each other for 21years, i truly loved him very much as he is the first true love of my life but now i cant feel myself around,am not comfortable n am always afraid to say or talks with my friends if he is around. it is like he doesnt make me happy again but when am around my friends my joy returns because they gave me the atttention i needed to carry on my life. i really wanted my marriage to work as it sadden me each time i think it is falling apart n we have 5 beautiful children and i dont want the situation to affect them,my first born is 15years.
  • Julia Nov 14, 2010 @ 12:06 pm | delete
    Funny thing.. I'm reading all over the web about how to fall back in love with your husband (married 10 years), but none of the articles/sites I find help because my marriage contains one little thing these articles don't mention - I know why I lost my love for him - his drinking problem. So how do you fall back in love with a man that's gained a drinking problem since the first time you fell in love with him? So, in essence, there are times he's not the same guy you met the first time. I told him 2 weeks ago if he had acted this way when we were dating, I'd have dumped him and we'd have never gotten married. He said he doesn't doubt that. Quite a little conundrum I'm in, huh? To save my marriage I've got to try and fall in love with a slightly different guy that I wouldn't have fallen in love with in the first place. Nice.
  • Elisabeth Nov 26, 2010 @ 4:21 pm | delete
    I'm in the same situation. My husband developed a "video game addiction" since getting married. He spends 10 or more hours online every day playing a role playing game! He has even quit his job in order to devote more time to gaming. I try not to, but I am very resentful that I am left to take care of all the domestic duties with three children and work so we have a trickle of money coming in! Even worse, it has only been 7 months since our wedding day & I am already contemplating divorce! I really was madly in love with him, like I have never felt before. I would give just about anything to feel like that again! I am forcing myself to stay because of the kids! I feel so hopeless.
  • Sad and Resentful... Nov 1, 2010 @ 4:21 pm | delete
    I've been married for almost 12 years. For a while now I've been very resentful and sad about my relationship. My husband is a great man and a wonderful father and I was so in love with him when we were first married. I knew he was the one. We have just his so many road blocks and have had so many tragic things happen that have made me fall out of love, starting with losing our first child. I have worked the same job for over 10 years and have worked my butt off and I thought by now that my husband would be able to support our family with a career but he has failed numerous times. He is a good worker has a lot of health issues which is why he has trouble keeping a steady job. I'm putting him through school right now and trying to do support him but all I do is feel resentful. I feel insecure financially and feel let down by him. I started having panic attacks last year and am on meds now but of course that doesn't help my feelings towards him. I feel like I've become so mean and disrespectful towards him. I feel like I've had to put this guard up because I know he will disappoint me again and I try to harden my heart to it. He knows how I feel and we talk a lot about it. I know that he feels inadequite and is depressed too... We have two beautiful boys and I just keep hoping that things will work out for our family.
  • Angel Houston Nov 13, 2010 @ 4:58 pm | delete
    God bless you and your fanily. It will be ok. We go through situations in life that will make us feel these types of emotions. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves. We cant feel that because our hubby isn't doing what we expect him to do that it will dictate are mood. Life is too short to be sad and resentful. U have to beautiful boys that are looking up to you and watching ur every move. So it is important to keep a happy attitude. Things could alot worse but we have to be greatful with what with what we have. You are a strong woman and have the power in you to build your husband up. Are husband are the head but we also must encourage, lift up and build them up to be strong confident men. If they are lacking the love at home then why go out and work hard. But if men feel loved and appreciated they tend to do there best out in the work world. Even if they are not doing everything u want or expect we are there wives and must do what we have to do to take care of our home. No one else can do it for you. Remember you have the power in you to do it!!!! you just have to do what it takes. I recommend prayer for you and your hubby even praying together will bring you guys closer. Also, he is the father of your boys so if he is not abusing you then it's time to come up with a plan to make this thing work. The grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone has an issue or two that we are always trying to fix. Good luck. Ask God to help u in the areas you are lacking and to give you strength to get throught this storm. But this too shall pass. God blesd you and I hope this is helpful. Angel
  • Hopeful Friend Feb 18, 2011 @ 1:02 pm | delete
    I am very sorry for your situation, but am impressed by your strength in sticking to it. I don't know if this bit will work for you and your husband, but something my parents always joked about to each other and now my husband and I is "only one of us is allowed to be crazy at a time". no one was actually crazy, but it was their way of making light of the depression that hit them both through the years. If it can be shared as a 'joke' between you two, it opens the door for you both to communicate when you are too weak to be the strong one. Perhaps I'm over simplifying things, but sometimes outright telling someone you need their strength gives them the purpose to be strong.

    You mentioned he has let you down ... small things add up. If he is helping in small ways, it might help to focus on that, and praise him for it, helping you both, you to build respect and him to receive it. Generally speaking, the more capable someone feels, the more motivated they are.

    I wish you the best, and am sure that everything is on its way to working out for your family.
  • I care. Oct 31, 2010 @ 8:45 am | delete
    you are all beautiful women who deserve the very best. take pride in who you are and smile because you are you. :)
  • JollyvilleChick Oct 28, 2010 @ 4:48 pm | delete
    I'm one of the lucky ones - I haven't fallen out of love with my husband.
  • madjax Nov 23, 2010 @ 4:55 pm | delete
    then how did you find yourself here?
  • howly Oct 19, 2010 @ 9:09 am | delete
    I have been married for 37days. We had been together for two years prior. I felt as though my life couldn't get any better up until the second week of our marriage during our honeymoon. I have tried to review my actions and comments, but I can't seem to identify the source that caused my feelings to change. I will not consider divorce because of my Christian beliefs. The second week of our marriage he seemed to be completely uninterested in me and morphed into this indifferent companion bound by the covenant of marriage. I have considered partaking in the activities we share in common alone to allow us time to reflect, but fear that I may be unweaving the main seam of our relationship. I have been praying to God, reading the bible, and trying to see where God is trying to lead me. I do not share prayer with my husband as he has explicitly voiced his disinterest in Christ. How do I mend a relationship with a glue my husband does not bond with?
  • SAD Oct 11, 2010 @ 9:33 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been married less than a year, but have known each other for 14 years. He is my best friends brother. I have two children by 2 different fathers and he has custody of his 3 children. I thought I could handle all the kids, work, and school... boy was I wrong i'm only 25 and have a lot on my plate. I thought I loved him why wouldn't I friends for years. I cant handle his drinking anymore I want a future for my kids thats positive, not all the wrong things we can teach them. The kids don't listen to me or him, but my kids do. I cant handle anymore name calling and yelling in front of my children, he wont go to couciling because he says they just put things in your head. I cant hang out with my best friend like we use to. He has trust issues through pass relationships, I have to deal with his ex, (my ex's don't argue with me were friends and understand) I cant handle all this, I only had 2 kids because I knew that all I wanted. I knew what I was getting into and love all the children but they are disrespectful to me and there father, I can't control them anymore. The hardest thing is I dont want to leave and have no relationship at all with him we've been friends to long. But how much can 1 person take with the verbal and metal abuse. I want out!! How do I go? He's put me in so much debt with loans ect. I'm not his bank, babysitter, nor taxi driver. Please help me!!!!
  • lost!!! Sep 30, 2010 @ 11:49 am | delete
    ive been married for 6 years now and me and my husband are both addicts we both have in fadility on us and we have 3 beautiful children to gether they are not in owr custody and am fighting for due to owr addictons . i once was in love with him deeeply but now im just love him and wont what we once had to come back i do wont to spend the rest of my life with him but in love we are botrh 24 and still have a long time to grow but i dont now what to do to make things better for us
  • Angel Oct 15, 2010 @ 1:16 pm | delete
    Hello. I understand what your going through and it is not easy. Both my husband and I come from a back ground of addiction. he now has 10 yrs clean and I have 9. Well i'd like to share with you that the devil comes to kill, steal and detroy marriages and anything that is going well. i would suggest that you and your husband begin praying together not onky for your marriage to be rekindled but for strength and also to quicken the process in getting ur children back. God is almighty and when we put our trust in Him no matter he will work things out in our favor. PRAYER changes things.
  • MountainNotter Sep 29, 2010 @ 1:39 pm | delete
    My husband and I've been married for 13 years.
    I married him for all the wrong reasons-
    I was afraid no one else would ever ask me,
    I had already gone too far (tho,not all the way) w/him physically and was trying to "make it right",
    he was the last college friend who hadn't moved away and would've moved had I said "No"---- all stupid reasons.
    There were reasons to NOT marry him, that were as plain as day-
    he pretended to cry a few times, and even admitted it later- translation- manipulative!
    we babysat together and I realized he did not like kids- which I reeeeally wanted,
    The fact that he couldn't keep his hands to himself despite several ultimatums, proved that he had no self control- which is vital to a good marriage.
    So, I married him.
    He is a terrible father. A very disinterested and begrudging companion. A selfish lover.
    He ignored me physically for 7 years, saying he couldn't sleep in the same room as me because____, always a different excuse. Only recently, he admitted to having been addicted to participating in internet sex the whole time...which explains a lot.
    He does not want me to go anywhere while he's at work because my job is to stay here and clean for 9 hours a day- so I'm terribly lonely.
    The biggest issue, tho, is how the years of (verbal, emotional, and even,tho rarely, physical) abuse have caused me to put up this high emotional wall.
    He has finally improved, but, I just can't like him again. I can't bring myself to be vulnerable the way love requires. I really want to forgive him and love him. How can I become vulnerable again?
  • Leslie Cole Sep 14, 2010 @ 8:48 am | delete
    I have been married for 2 years. My husband is an alcoholic and I am bi polar. The two is hard to deal with. Especially when he refuses to acknowledge that he is one. He has cheated on me 3 times, although he says just once. I do have proof, of the other times. I do not know if I can can love him again. I am trying, but the sight of him just disgust me. We have started fighting constantly. Please help me
  • Resentful~ Oct 2, 2010 @ 1:28 pm | delete
    My husband thinks that I'm not in love with him anymore...and now I'm as I sit and evaluate my actions and my thoughts towards him is that I have realize that it might be true. I know I love him, but I might not be in love, which I suppose it's important, right? My husband and I have been married for 15 years and know each other since we were 9 years old. As a young teen I was so in love with him, all I did all day was day dream about him. As a young adult I was still madly in love and every love song was about us. When we finally married the first years were fun and exciting but rocky. He had things that I very slowly began to discover about that with time I think now that if he were just a person I knew on the outside I would not like to have him as a friend. Seriously how sad is that? And it's not like I don't know what the problem is, I am in resentment he has done things that brought him down from the pedestal I had him on. I'm not saying he is a bad person, he has a lot of love for our children and me, however the damage that he has done is far much greater than the love and affection that he has shown. So for now I just take it day by day learning to live with the man I do love but that I might not ever be able to be in love with again.
  • Lisa Oct 9, 2010 @ 9:49 am | delete
    I feel the same way as you, its nice to know your not alone
  • Shay Oct 5, 2010 @ 10:34 pm | delete
    I feel as though i am in the same boat. My husband and i have been married for almost 5 years. We have 2 kids together. He used to be the light of my life! Now i can't stand to be in a room with him. I hate saying that bc i want to love him and be with him but i can't! He is turning into an alcoholic (which he knows but makes excuses) and i dont think i'm bi polar but i do have issues...just not sure what they are! My husband has cheated on me before also but wont admit any of it even though i have hard proof he did. I don't know what to do! How are you handling it?
  • Sabrina Sep 9, 2010 @ 11:03 am | delete
    I've been married for 10yrs but actually been with my husband for 22yrs. We have no kids together, but I helped raise his children from previous in counters. A view years back we bought a business and we both run it. I work during the day at another job that supplies us our medical and then I help my husband run our business at night. So basically I put in about 15 hrs a day 6 days a week. Now my husband is a wonderful cook so he does all the cooking and most of the laundry, but I CLEAN the house (when I find time) The first couple of years of owning this business all I heard from my husband was how hard he was working and nobody appreciates what he does. I started to resent him for this. I wanted to scream at him, "I'm working 15 hrs a day and you work about 7 hrs a day" Not only am I suppose to work, pay the bills, take care of the animals, keep my self in shape, help him out with his volunteer work, I'm suppose to have sex "make love" with him nightly. Having sex, "making love" became another job for me. Now I dont want to anymore. I could care less if I ever had sex again. Trust me when I say he's really great at sex, but I just don't care to do it anymore. This is where I have fallen out of love with my husband. We're unable to sell the business and we're still paying on the loan, we're behind on all of our bills, we're basically just trying to stay afloat all the way around. I'm sure once we can either sell the business, pay off the loan in about 2 yrs, or just close the business down once the lone is paid off, things will change. How do I survive until then? How do I forgive him for letting me down? I feel selfish because he is always telling me how much he loves me and how wonderful I am, but yet I just can't do that for him. If I have any spare time I would rather sleep, read, or play with my animals. Now I'm being told that I love the animals more than him and maybe I do. I'm so tapped out that I don't know how to give anymore. I want to be in love with my husband I really do, he's my best friend.
  • Susan Sep 9, 2010 @ 6:20 am | delete
    I have been married for over 10 years. I'm not sure if I was ever truly in love but I know I love him.
    He's a good husband and loves me. The problem is me. I often turn my heart and give affection to other men, causing me suffering and indirectly my family and husband are affected, because my heart is not in my marriage. I would like to hear any advice in how to fall in love again or for the first time with the only man that deserves ma love.
    Thank you
  • torn Sep 6, 2010 @ 10:32 pm | delete
    I am on my second marriage..the first was young dumb and stupid. I did at the end meet mr. right. however he was married. nothing came of it. I got married 2nd time, condom failed and kid on the way. I love my husband for the children he has given me. i am not in love with him. now mr. right from 12 years ago is divorced and those feelings i had are back again. i am a horrible person, i still want him after 12 years. my husband is a good guy don't know what the heck is wrong with me. help..........
  • Trouble! Aug 30, 2010 @ 2:28 pm | delete
    Hi - I've never left a comment like this before but thought putting my feelings down may help crystallize what's going on. I've been with my partner for over 12 years. I first met him when I was married and we started a relationship over the phone - he was interesting to talk to and had a lovely voice. I needed some attention as my marriage had reached the boring stage. I found out later that he was married aswell but by then I was hooked. I knew it was wrong but didn't really think about the hurt his wife was going through. Eventually he left his wife for me and moved in. That was really when things started to go wrong. When he was tidying one of my cupboards he found a love letter from someone who I had seen just a couple of times when we had been going through a rough patch. Crikey makes me sound a right slag - that's not true but I do think I did have problems back then as I was trying to disentangle myself from what I knew was a "wrong" relationship. Well when he found out I'd cheated on him he became very possessive and whenever he got drunk he'd argue terribly with me, always demanding whether I really loved him - truth was when he was shouting like that I didn't love him I just wanted to tell him to F*** off, but I wasn't strong enough to do that. Since then we've discussed lots of his insecurities and discovered that I'm not the person he was attracted to in the first place. Like most people when we first met I was intrigued by him and wanted him to like me so I did things like - became vegetarian, read more intellectual books, took an avid interest in all the things he was interested in etc. Lately I've realised that I'm not actually that interested in all the things he is - he goes over the top with things, he's so intellectual I find it boring so I've developed my own interests like going to the gym, watching crap tv etc. He asked me to be totally honest with him - now he thinks that because I admitted I don't really like having sex that means I don't like him anymore - he maybe right but I can't imagine really enjoying sex with anyone. Needless to say he's not interested in anything I like doing. I like going out for a drink or meal I enjoy pop music not Radio 3!! As a consequence we spend very little time together and when we are together the only thing we have in common is walking the dogs. This has got me questioning whether I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? I know he thinks he loves me and I guess in my way I love him - although I'm not sure whether I'm really capable of a deep loving relationship with anyone - I find I get bored or irritated very easily. I'm now in my 40's so have sort of accepted that I can put up with not being passionately involved with someone. I've tried kicking him out once before but when it came down to it I just couldn't let him go - partly because I don't want to destroy him - I don't hate him I just find him very difficult. The other reason - which sounds mercenary- my life would be more difficult without him. I work everyday and he works a few evenings a week - therefore he does all the housework and walks the dogs. I know I could manage without him but if he did leave then we would share the dogs so I'd still have to have contact with him - constantly see him miserable and I couldn't bear that. I would like to condition myself into loving him and not being irritated by him. I'd like to be interested in him again just not sure how to achieve that!
  • one sad mom wyoming Aug 24, 2010 @ 1:33 pm | delete
    I have been married to my husband for 4 yrs we dated for a yr and a half before we got married. He was the love of my life and my best friend and everyone, family, friends loved him. after I gave birth to our beautiful baby (now almost 2) he started to ignore me, he would never talk to me and always acted like he was just never interested in me. the only time he was interested is when he wanted sex. in the beginning he was such a passionate and tender lover however as time progressed he became almost violent, calling me inappropriate names and being very aggressive. I also recently found out that he is a compulsive liar and that almost everything he had ever told me about his past was a complete lie. I don't even know him anymore. I don't know what else to do but get divorced....I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
  • hopeless Aug 23, 2010 @ 9:17 am | delete
    I dont love my husband ...i think i never did,i maried him for the wrong reason 14 years ago have 3 children with him ...He loves me and why not i do everything for him and if i do something for myself than he doesnt like it.I didnt kiss him for years cause im not in love with him ,,,all he wants is do everything for him and sex everyday and not care that i dont feel well sick or tired...im fed up with him i cant stand him anymore ...i go sleeping and thinking i wish i never wake up ...my family dont understand they think marriage should be forever ok fine im trying and i tried so far but i cant anymore...he thinks because i dont love him anymore i have someone else ...i dont have anyone else i am 36 but i look like 46 i dont dress up anymore i dont go out i look after my kids and he doesnt believe that love can not be forced ...personaly i think that kisses are very special and can not kiss if u dont love the person and same making love ....oh god what im going thrru i dont wish on anyone ...hell .I want to leave him but i feel bad for my kids and for me to act that everything is alright i cant do it anymore ...i cant love him when he calls me ugly i cant love him when he tells me that im stupid i cant love him when he is so selfish ...i cant go have sex with him knowing what he thinks of me... i worked hard this marriege to work ...and no one who knows me can't accuse me of not trying ...i tried as a result i have 3 kids but marriage needs work not stop soon as u put the ring on the finger and he stoped didnt do nothing to make me love him nothing at all ...and just yesterday i told him the truth that i cant take it anymore all he did he called his mother and my mother and talk about this problem ....i was disgusted ...and than he tells me that he cant live without me and when i say but i dont love you than he calls me names or that i cheat on him ...i wish i was someone else someone poor someone blind someone invalid just not be ME ...and no one be ME...
  • L. Smith Aug 11, 2010 @ 9:45 pm | delete
    I have been married for 9 years. My husband and I started dating when I was 17 he was 15, we met and were friends three years before that.We had alot of ups and downs while dating, he went into the military at 17 we lost touch. At 19 and 21 we got married, during the time we were seperated I had a daugther. The marriage was hard from the beginning, we disagreed on housekeeping, I like a clean and orderly home he says where I put my clothes or take my clothes off is where they stay. he was phs. and mentally abusive to my daugther to the point of her vioding on herself. i did my best to be submissive and understanding, saying that he is young and doesn't underdtand what he is doing. He said that I cleaned the house to often and washed the clothes to much. Thats just the first year, after two years I cheated, and I feel aweful. He said that he forgave me, however he still comments on it in a negitive way. And he calls me a selfish silly woman, and says that I destroyed my home when I cheated in 2003. I have been compeletly committed to him after that, until 2009 when CPS took the children (now 4) into foster care due to his hand. I want to care for my children and give them the best, however he says that I can't without him, and that I can not be a christian God loving mother and woman and not be in love with him. I am lost and I don't know what to do, I want to teach my children that being a wife, mother or a husband, father is a good thing and that sometimes you go through problems, you just need to know when to hold on and when to give up. I don't know where the line is.
  • sorry I did it again Aug 7, 2010 @ 3:56 am | delete
    Im in my second marriage so Im determined to make it work. I was raised in a strict Pentecostal home where divorce was forbidden so a 2nd divorce just cannot happen for me. The reason I fell out of love with my husband is because he requires more care than any child ever could. He is emotionally draining. He DAILY makes statements like.."you don't love me, or you don't want to be with me, you would rather go to work than be here with me"... and I guess he finally talked me into it. We have been together for over 12 years but the last three have been the worst. At this point I am using anti-anxiety meds and alcohol to cope--when I am intoxicated he doesn't seem so annoying and he actually encourages my drinking...which is sad on so many levels. I wish I had someone to talk to.
  • Stuck Jul 21, 2010 @ 11:16 am | delete
    I have been married for three years, dated my husband 5 years prior. We have no children, but have made a life together. He is my best friend. I read all the other posts, and it made me feel worse because my husband is a great guy and loves me for me. However, as much as I do love him, I am sure that I am not in love with him. I have been seeing an old love through out our entire marriage to help with what is missing in my marriage. Since that relationship is coming to an end because I will not leave my husband for him... I am scared that like so many others I may be in my marriage for all the wrong reasons. How do you get back to where you were! He hasn't done anything wrong, he hasn't changed. If I walk away it will crush him, and kill the only thing good in my life. No kids, no complications? That is so not true.
  • Stuck2 Aug 5, 2010 @ 11:04 am | delete
    I feel the same as you...have you come up with a plan yet?
  • Stuck3 Aug 23, 2010 @ 9:26 pm | delete
    I guess I could be considered Stuck 3. This is my situation exactly minus the old love part, I just have fallen out of love and I am scared I was never in love to begin with. He thinks I can fall in love with him but I am not sure I can? Any advice would be appreciated!
  • littlesmurf Jul 10, 2010 @ 3:09 pm | delete
    I got married a month after I turned 19, and we've been married a little over a year and a half. I know that the second year is the hardest, and such it has turned out to be. We didn't used to fight, but now we fight almost every day, mostly about our relationship. He's a tender lover, but he's also very boring, and even though I'd like to be adventurous, I can't seem to find it in myself with him. We rarely have passionate sex anymore. He takes me when I agree to have sex with him, and he gets his pleasure and we're done. He's gotten a girl to orgasm during sex before, but it's never happened with me. I've considered having an affair, and we've even civilly discussed having a secret divorce. While we were engaged, I had an affair with someone, though we never went all the way, and sometimes I wonder if the passion we had would've been more worth being with him than with the man I married. However, that guy has recently said he wants nothing to do with me, so I basically feel screwed. I'm only 20, but should I stay with my husband because I don't think I'll ever get anyone better? Or should I take the plunge and live it up a little?
  • Allie Jul 10, 2010 @ 12:09 pm | delete
    I've been married for 8 years. I was deeply in love my husband, everybody always talks about our wedding on how we looked truly in loved and soo happy.
    We moved to USA after our wedding and was the beginning of a long and painful journey. I just have realised I didn't know him. I don't know if it was the love I felt for him, but there were so many warning signs that I just missed. I saw him as a wonderful guy with great values and very hard working. BUt I missed something that is essential for a happy marriage. He has mental problems, depression, anxiety and a lackof knowledge on how to nurture a relationship, he came from a broken home with abbusive parents and I didn't know he spend his teenage years depressed and wanting to commit suicide. Since the begining of our marriage, he was obssesed with his job for years and since he had mental problems he got in trouble with his peers and boss, he was fired from his last 2 jobs. And I think he was on his way to get fired for the 3rd time but God loves him so much that his boss got a new job so now he has another chance.
    To make the story short he has been a bully, turning all his frustration and anger from his job to me. Finding fault in the little things I did wrong and always making me feel how disorganized and messy I was. Also he's always complaning about what I do wrong, for example I started to get depressed and he talked to me about how I didn't pay attention on my apperance, and that he didn't want to come home to a wife that didn't look nice, well I changed I bought new clothes, new hair cut, I never wear sport clothes anymore unless I'm excersising or cleaning.... Well he takes it for granted, no compliments.... He forgets our anniversary, my birthday, mother's day, etc...
    What freaks me out more is that until this year I had so low or none selfsteam, I always thought, if I do more, if I clean more, if I look better he will love me again and treat me like when we were dating. Until this year that he got diagnosed with anxiety problems and I went to counseling, I opened my eyes. My therapist helped me see it was not me the problem, but him, he used me as his punching bag for years for all the frustration he had. Our relationship has grown sooo distant to the point we didn't have sex for 6 months. I always wanted to leave him, but I have 3 little kids and I don't want them to suffer from a divorce. So I'm here ready to fight, to win my marriage back. It's so hard because I have turned very aggressive with him, but I CAN'T tolerate his "funny jokes" about me anymore or his stupid comments about why I left the laptop here or there or why I didn't make the bed in the morning.. It might see unrelevant, but I'm so fed up with all the little comments he does every day. My therapist was not very good, because she made me feel that I needed to support him more because of his mental problems, and that I should me more thankful that he's not a drunk or sleeping around, what the heck? I don't want to live with a guy that doesn't respect me no matter if he's a "good guy" So the only thing that was helpful from therapy is that I realised I have to look after me and to not tolerate his insults, plus I'm going away to visit my family for a month with the kids, the therapists says that this time will give him space to value our marriage and to miss me, and that he will be different when I come back since he will realised how sad is to live alone without me and his children and he will finally see all I do for him (cooking, cleaning, washing clothes) So I hope this works and I will keep you posted. thank you for giving us this space to share our feelings, good luck to every one and God bless you.
  • varsha Jul 5, 2010 @ 4:23 am | delete
    hi its varsha....i have been facing problems since i have got married...the problem is nt between my husband and me..but its due to elders....actually in the month of nov 2008 my husband and my brother in law had a fight and my brother in law caught my husbands shirt and that issue is not coming out of my husbands mind.... he not willing to stay with me for this reason but me really love him so much that cant imagine my life wihout him...i do have a child who is gonna be three years...i want my son to get both kind of parent love....my in laws r the problem they dont want me to enter there place........i really dont know whether my husband loves me or not... but we had a good relationshi[p when we were together...i still strongly feel he loves me but due to his parents he is avoiding me......can u please let me know what shpould i do.....its urgent
  • libelula14 Jun 12, 2010 @ 11:06 pm | delete
    I married when I was 21 yrs old , one month after my mother past away. He was 20 and I though he was a good man, cute and that he love me. We got married and I tried to be a good wife, take care of him but he was always playing poker or going out with friends to drink. He used to go out with his friends and ignored me. Is like he had more fun with them that with me. In the meanwhile I start to share more time with a co-worker who became my lover. After 4 months he found out that I was cheating I was scared and he forgave me so I decide to be with him but that was 5 years ago and there is not one day in my life that I don't think about the other guy. I'm not sure if I I'm love with him but I think about him all the time since then and I wish he was with me but I'm confuse what about if is not real love what I feel for that guy? I know Im not in love with my husband but if I leave him for the other guy I might be regret I DONT KNOW! the other guy keeps writing me emails, all this years telling me that he loves me too, Im the love of his life.... but how can I know if he is being honest? and how can I know if what I feel for him is real love?
  • Kat Jun 26, 2010 @ 6:30 pm | delete
    Hi libelula14, my name is Kat and I'm in a similar situation! I understand all the things that maybe go on in ur head and there is somebody else in my life beside my husband that seems to have it all! I m in e mail contact with the other guy and I just dont know what 2 do! I even told the other guy to stop writing me .....it worked for a week but still we cant stop thinking of eatch other! U said you dont love your husband no more so how do u know? And i been told that if u aint risk nothing in life you wont get far!
  • Laura Jul 28, 2010 @ 1:46 pm | delete
    If you want to make the marriage work out I would end ALL contact with your former lover. If this guy is still in your life he is still gong to be in your mind. Disconnect from him completely. A dear friend of mine is going through a divorce, she has 3 little ones. Her husband was cheating on her for 2.5 yrs with his co-worker. It's horrible what mentally she is gong through knowing what he was with another women. Marriage is worth saving. Try going to counceling and you may find that very helpful. I would end all contact with the other guy. Make sure he stops e-mailing you & end it for good. Your husband deserves that respect atleast.
  • redbull May 28, 2010 @ 10:46 am | delete
    I met my husband when I was 13 we were at school together. He is a year older than me and we got together in a relationship when I was 17. Neither of us have slept with anyone else and we have been married for 31years with two grown up children..In 2007 I was dyagnoised with breast cancer, it was also the year that we were to due to emigrate to Canada. Because my husband had a job offer we talked about it and decided that he should go ahead with it cancer was not going to stop our life plans!!
    So half way through my treatment my husband moved to Canada leaving me to carrying on with my treatment..It has now been 3years and we are living here in Canada but the problem is our relationship is not the same anymore and that saddens me...He has just drifted away from me we no longer sleep in the same bed (he says its because I have hot sweats) but its not just that its like there is no hugging or kissing no romance I do try but he keeps pushing me away and I don,t know what to do... I have thought about leaving but I really want to get back on track the problem is he won,t talk to me he just keeps saying its just me being silly..But there is a problem I can,t go through life having no closeness can anyone help advice me what to do is this normal just a part of growing older or is it too far gone to revive..
  • JSAM Jul 30, 2010 @ 3:47 pm | delete
    Sounds like he's having an affair.
  • attempting to rekindle May 12, 2010 @ 11:01 am | delete
    I have lost "feelings" for my husband back in Oct 2009. He lost his job and hasn't really found anything since. It is like he has lost his will to work and help the family.
    We have been married going on 8 years, he has 4 children from previous marriage and pays child support on 3 of them. I have 2 children from previous marriage and have raised both of them alone.
    Up til he lost his job we got along really well. I feel like i have even lost the respect I had for him and the love. Now he is getting his CDL license back and going to be a long distance truck driver and will be away from home more than he is here. Do you think that is going to help anything? I want to rekindle our love but I don't know what he wants since he is looking forward to going to truck driving.
    Please help and give me any advice anybody can.
  • Da-Nay May 1, 2010 @ 2:05 am | delete
    I Also just found this website. I don't know how i feel about my husband. Sometimes I love and most of the time I don't love him. I always ask myself am I in love with him and i think to myself no because of the way we met, the way we got married, and getting pregnant so quick in our relationship we didn't get a chance to get to know each other. I have doubts about how he really feels about me and I know he has doubts about how he feels about me. He uses the pass arguments to get me upset where it gets me to the point of leaving our marriage. I know that I have not been truthful when I was hiding the fact that I was smoking twice, but he shouldn't use that against me when we are in a heated moment. I believe my husband doesn't trust me because of that and he thinks I'm cheating on him because I'm a house wife. I have falling out of love with my husband because he has hit me before, called me names, and tell me I don't use my brain when I tell him I want him to leave. I don't cook breakfast for him in the morning anymore, don't want to have sex anymore because it doesn't feel the same, and I don't want him around me sometimes when he is home. I think because I feel a certain way about my husband I take my anger out on my oldest daughter ( who is not his daughter) because she try to comfort me when I'm angry at him and I shouldn't do that to her. My husband and I have two small chilkdren together and I want my children to see us as a loving couple. I want to fall in love with my husband, but don't know how. I know I'm wrong for telling him to leave, I don't want to be married and I don't love to push him away. In my heart I don't mean it, but it is hard not to feel that way. My husband thinks I'm a hateful person because I don't care about him, but I do care it's just that I have been hurt so many times by him I feel like I have no more to give. How can I love my husband again?
  • Sami Jun 21, 2010 @ 11:53 am | delete
    Wow I am in almost the exact situation and have absolutly no idea on what to do it you figure it out let me in on the secret. Good Luck!
  • Christina Apr 29, 2010 @ 2:51 am | delete
    I just found this website. I am not sure what to do either. I just realized the other day that my feelings of love or being in love (mostly being in love) have turned off for my husband. I got pregnant after only knowing him a short while, and after that it seemed like the right thing to do to get married. We now have two kids and I am a stay at home Mom. He is an extremely wonderful man like he works long hours to provide for us, he does help with the kids (more now that I have been asking for help) he will help make dinner some nights and is overall a great father but he does have some underlying issues that I am finding it hard to deal with. For example he has been cheated on with a past wife, hence he is very controlling about what I do and where I go... i avoid conflict by not going or doing anything that might upset him and I now do this subconsiuosly, I think i am afraid of making him upset (although a friend pointed out that i never get to leave my house anymore except to the grocery store or with my kids). And besides being very untrusting he has a quick temper (sometimes) but he does hit me hard (smacking more) in the head when he gets mad. He never says sorry to me afterwards unless i hound him for an apology (which is never very genuwine), I pretty much just basically pretend it never happened the next day and block it out of my head. This doesn't happen often, months go by without any problems then suddenly it seems to happen every weekend for a month. There are some other issues that are very hurtful to me... and bottom line I seriously think i might have never been "in love" with him, more I just wanted to do the right thing and thought the feelings would come when the kids got a bit older. I question now what to do... the last time he hit me (and I was very upset and maybe a bit prevoking?) something inside me snapped. He would tell me that he wants a divorce and that I need to find somebody else (not meaning that of course)... however now I am questioning what to do. I want to be in love with my husband, but I can not handle 1. being hit again and 2. Not having any emotional connection to him or feeling in love at all.
    My head starts thinking about what it might be like to not be with him, of course I would never want to break up my family, but how long do you "fake" happy or go without feeling any connection with your spouse. Recently I thought of what it might be like to be a single mom, and eventually how nice it would be to go on a date where you feel all excited to see the person.... I just want that person to be my husband, but I think he is so happy with everything the way it is. I don't know how to fix this.... what is wrong with me? What happened suddenly to make me feel like I just don't care anymore? I did try to mention to him that I was unsure in our relationship and he confidently replied that "if you wanted to leave you would have found a way and left already, so I am not worried about that"...

    What advice to you have for me? Is it possible to fall in love with someone even if you are married with two kids and have all the stresses of work, kids, finances? Am I wrong in how I feel?
  • kmetzel Jun 7, 2010 @ 9:51 am | delete
    Christina,

    It's been over a month since your posting. I hope you are okay, and safe. I read these boards today because I'm curious about my own situation and sometimes it helps to read about other situations.

    When I read about your situation, I couldn't believe what I was reading. Christina, your husband should NEVER hit you. Ever. That is not okay, never okay.

    I've been with my husband 26 years, married almost 21 years now. We've fought differently thorughout the years. Never in any of those sometimes horrible, nearly violent fights did he ever ever hit me or even come close. And I've known in my heart he never would. I cannot believe it when I read about husbands actually hitting their wives. It's not okay. Never. Totally unacceptable.

    You mention you have children. I hope to God they are nowhere near you both during those arguments. I cannot imagine the damage it would do to them. Your husband sounds emotionally and physically abusive. I've never written anything like this or ever told anyone something like this -- but please learn about why it's not okay and make sure you have an exit plan for you and your kids.

    Don't waste your time trying to wait for him to meet your standards for being the man you want to love. ICK. How could you ever love someone who has HIT you? He's so far beneath you and so completely unworthy of your love at this point, I'd say unless he spends some serious time receiving help, you should just focus on getting out of the relationship safely. Use your community resources. Think about your children. If one of them is a daughter, do you want her to someday be hit by her husband. Of course not!!!

    Please be safe, be strong and get the hell out of that relationship quickly before his temper causes permanent severe damage. And get counseling for you. I did that for a period of time when I was not okay, having alot of problems and it helped me so much.

    Please take care.
  • kmetzel Jun 7, 2010 @ 9:53 am | delete
    Christina, It's been over a month since your posting. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Christina, your husband should NEVER hit you. I've been with my husband 26 years, married almost 21 years now. We've fought differently thorughout the years. Never in any of those sometimes horrible, nearly violent fights did he ever ever hit me or even come close. And I've known in my heart he never would. I cannot believe it when I read about husbands actually hitting their wives. It's not okay. Never. Totally unacceptable.

    You mention you have children. I hope to God they are nowhere near you both during those arguments. I cannot imagine the damage it would do to them. Your husband sounds emotionally and physically abusive. I've never written anything like this or ever told anyone something like this -- but please learn about why it's not okay and make sure you have an exit plan for you and your kids.

    Don't waste your time trying to wait for him to meet your standards for being the man you want to love. ICK. How could you ever love someone who has HIT you? He's so far beneath you and so completely unworthy of your love at this point, I'd say unless he spends some serious time receiving help, you should just focus on getting out of the relationship safely. Use your community resources. Think about your children. If one of them is a daughter, do you want her to someday be hit by her husband. Of course not!!!

    Please be safe, be strong and get the hell out of that relationship quickly before his temper causes permanent severe damage. And get counseling for you. I did that for a period of time when I was not okay, having alot of problems and it helped me so much.

    Please take care.
  • JP Jun 22, 2010 @ 10:21 pm | delete
    To Christina and Da-Nay
    In my opinion, any physical violence, is a deal breaker. It is grounds for immediate separation until the man genuinely seeks out counseling or help for his anger. It also sends horribly mixed messages to your children about what a loving relationship should be. You should never have been hit, and I'm sorry he did that to you. You don't deserve it; your children don't deserve to witness it or bare the brunt of the after-effects. Don't be fooled by negotiating it down to "it was just a slap." As the years go on, and anger or resentment grows, so does the retaliation.
    Get out and get help. If he really cares about repairing the relationship, he'll work on that while you're at a safe distant to witness the sincere changes.
  • Kathleen Jul 6, 2010 @ 9:43 pm | delete
    Dear Christina,

    Maybe this is none of my business, but in my opinion a man should NEVER hit a woman (nor should a woman hit a man, as a matter of fact). And what does that teach a child? It teaches a son that he can just hit his woman whenever he pleases. It teaches a daughter that this is the kind of treatment she should expect when she grows to be a woman. Parents are a model for their children.
    You seem to have a whole lot on your shoulders and if you say your husband helps you out, then that is a very good thing. Though I doubt that your husband can be happy and entirely proud of himself (he should be ashamed for ever hitting you, even once).
    Also, you shouldn't have to pay for your husband's ex cheating wife. YOU ARE NOT the cheating wife, therefore he must be more trusting of you.
    I don't believe there is anything wrong with you. You do what you can, but it really takes two to make a relationship work.
    But trust me... it is NOT okay that your husband hits you!!! This part definitely has to change! It seems that so many women out there are suffering in silence through physical, psychological and/or emotional abuse, but it is NOT OKAY. I hope for you (and your children) that your husband has the strength to change and become a better man.
    Best of luck Christina
  • Lisa Apr 14, 2011 @ 3:16 pm | delete
    I read someone else write that no man should hit a woman, and she hopes your kids didn't witness it. I can tell you as someone who grew up in an abusive household, your children will never be able to shake traumatic images and feelings once they've witnessed them. I have not seen or heard from my father since I was 13 (I'm 32 now), but I still have flashbacks when I'm in the shower, see my son look up at me, or while I'm cooking breakfast. I went through 2 years of therapy and still struggle with some issues. I only saw my dad actually hit or kick my mother twice, but the verbal fights were heard in every corner of our house or apartment on an almost nightly basis. I was rarely hit or shaken, but I was terrified of this man with crystal blue eyes. Things will be very hard if you leave him, but your children should not have to witness a man hurting a woman. It's never okay.
  • WY Apr 28, 2010 @ 12:06 am | delete
    i've been feeling unhappy for almost two years now with my husband, thing is we've been only marry for 3 years. i started to realize that i didnt love him anymore when i first realize that he wasnt my "type". we met for 6 months then got marry (dumb thing to do) and i was 17. now im 20, i realize that he isnt who i want. ive never cheated but have been swayed by a couple of guys who didnt know i was marry and have thought about leaving him for the past 2 years now. avoiding him, pushing him away, taking out my anger out on him, and not even saying i love you anymore. this have been driving me insane to the point where i just dont want to be near him. but after telling him today that my felings have been long gone, i feel as if the world has been lifted off my shoulders, but yet, i feel as if i cant let him go because a part of me feels that it'll work out. i feel that if i hold onto him when i dont love him, it'll only hurt him. but if he's patient enough to wait for me to work on my feelings again, then there might hope. im confused, lost, afraid, worried, i dont know what to do anymore.
  • Tracey Apr 23, 2010 @ 5:18 pm | delete
    I have been married to a "good man" for over 30 years now. He does lots around the house and is helpful. I know that I have never really loved him. You talk about "that spark" you once knew, I have never known it!!! We "get on" but we are not close and it has come to a point now that I dont think I "want" to be close to him. I have a good and trusted friend who does see some emotional abuse and has tried to encourage me to speak up more but I dont want to say anything because I dont want confrontation. I know its a catch 22 situation but I also dont feel its right to separate as no one, except this trusted friend, has any idea that there is anything wrong and I believe marriage is for life.
  • David Apr 4, 2010 @ 7:23 am | delete
    i am really worried. i feel strongly that my wife has fallen out of love with me. there seems to be no fire or passion, but that is not new in marriages that have lasted close to 15 years. but no good morning kiss, no good night kiss, just turns her back to me and goes to sleep. there are so many signs that it just isn't there for her anymore. she is not the type to admit it to me or to discuss any of this. she is a very strong woman who knows that if she continues this way she will get me to a point where i push for divorce as i have mentioned it to her before, not wanting to think that i am married to a woman who is no longer in love with her husband. i don;t know what steps to take at all. i love her deeply, she is an incredible woman, but i am not giving her what she needs any longer, at least that's my assumption.
  • JD Apr 5, 2010 @ 8:11 pm | delete
    David, I hate to break the news to you, but if she is trying to avoid you and has created an environment where you guys do not enjoy being with each other is because she does not want to be with you anymore. I am on her situation. I can be certain that whether or not she has cheated on you or not, she probably has feelings for someone else, that may not necessarily be a better person nor husband, but she sees something that she does not see in you. I would politely bring the situation up and without offending her, find out if she has moved on. The best thing is for you to move on. She will soon realize that no one else will put up with her... with the strong woman... and she will miss you and regret leaving you. The other person may be interested in her, but only to have fun.... men don't get interested in married women to make them their wives... She may never get back with you, but at least she will not make you unhappy for the remainder of your existence. I have been in a relationship for seven years, two of which have been married and I have realized that the person that I marry is not who I wanted to marry. There may not be a man with a greater heart than my husband, but I don't desire him or see him as a husband. It is not fair to him so I have asked for the divorce.
  • B Apr 8, 2010 @ 7:13 pm | delete
    I disagree completely. I no longer feel like I am in love with my husband but I certainly haven't moved on. I want for us to get back to where we love each other again. I am no longer attracted to my husband and resent him for working so much. He works 80+ hours and is still not successful. I make more money, take care of the kids, and take care of our home. I don't know what will fix us, but I am not giving up and I haven't moved on.
  • Julie Aug 29, 2010 @ 9:31 am | delete
    Wow. I have the exact same situation. Is your husbad a chef, too?
  • pw Apr 15, 2010 @ 9:46 pm | delete
    I am trying to love my husband again, but am struggling. If it weren't for his daughter, I would be gone. I stay because she's young and is like my own child. This is not fair to my husband, myself, or the little girl. Unfortunately, I have moved on and am in love with someone else, but not with him, because I am married. There's no affair, but I know I could be with this person, and I desperately want to. But I stay, because if I leave him, I leave her. I'ts an impossible situation, and frankly has put me over the edge. I'm trying to reconnect with him and see all the good, but there's been a lot of damage over the years and I don't think I will ever feel the same way. For a period of time I was planning on leaving, but I knew I would never see her again and stayed. The months that preceded that I avoided him at all costs. I barely even spoke to him. I now wish, he had just left me, so I wouldn't had to make that impossible choice. My point is, if the signs are there, don't ignore them. Address it directly, and if she feels empty inside, and it's because she doesn't love you, she's just going thru the motions. You'll be setting both of you free.
  • Christine Aug 24, 2010 @ 8:40 am | delete
    David, I am doing the exact same thing to my husband. feels like I fell out of love with him about a year and a half ago, and then in Dec I had an affair with an old friend who lives on the other side of the country. He is also unhappily married, and if we were in the same town we would probably both leave our spouses. But I am still with my H, in a sexless, passionless marriage. I don't kiss him, hug him, touch him at all. We have been going to counselling, but there is no magic cure for getting the spark back.

    If I had to guess I'd say your wife has feelings for another man. Maybe she will end it and make an effort to get it back with you. But if she feels like it's a hopeless situation like I do, it's hard to feel optimistic about marriage ever being really satisfying.

    Like many people on here, I am marriage to a good friend and wonderful man and great dad, but I am not attracted to him at all and don't even want to kiss him. Now that there has been someone else in my life, it has just made things worse and I don't see how it will ever be the same.
  • Sylvia Mar 23, 2010 @ 1:10 pm | delete
    I do not love my husband. I'm not in love with my husband. I've spent four years wondering why I married him in the first place. We are not compatible. We grew apart as soon as the children came. I don't want him in my life anymore. I don't remember the last time I was happy in his presence. He is a good man. He works hard. He doesn't cheat on me. He doesn't drink. He stopped smoking. He tells me I have it great because of those reasons. He questions my unhappiness. He doesn't understand that I am not happy with him. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be with anyone else either. I don't like sex with him anymore. I don't even like the thought of sex, period. I'm happy with my children and the rest of my chaotic family. I deal with good things and bad and still come out smiling. Water under the bridge at the end of the day with them, but when my husband is around... My happy face does a 180. I try to make it a point not to talk to him about my day or voice opinions on the silliest of things; knowing all to well that an argument will happen. His explanation is that he is not yelling, that's just the way he talks. Sure. That's just the way he talks when we are arguing. I'm tired of him. I worry that he will take my children away if I ask for a divorce. I don't want them to be without their dad, but I'm tired of feeling imprisoned. I want to do things for myself, but can't because either he doesn't want me to or won't support me (pat on the shoulder-wise.) I don't know what to do. Help, please. Any opinion, good or bad, helps.
  • David Mar 24, 2010 @ 12:08 pm | delete
    Same is happening to me and my wife. I am like your husband, work hard, pay the bills, take care of the kids when is my turn, cok somentimes, dishes, cleaning, etc. But she has fallen out of love... me, it is the opposite, I love here more than before. But there is another big thing, she had an emotional affair with another guy, another married man, and I believe that he doesn't even know it or care. He move out of state and most probably is doing ok with his family. As for today, she has the divorce application and making a decision before this weekend. 16 years of marriage and 4 great kid's hearts and mine will be shattered... I tell her I wan to make her love me again, she only wants to be alone... Some say that women are weak... no women are hard, very hard. Sometimes we are just not good enough, but you know, we all have problems and things you will not like.
  • Radiant_Beauty Jun 3, 2011 @ 10:38 am | delete
    Sylvia, I totally feel you on this. My husband and I do not get along at all. He has told me on more than one ocassion that he doesn't care about what happened at work and doesn't want to hear about it. Anytime I just need to unload or vent about my day, he calls it gossip and says he doesn't want to hear it. I am a special education teacher and work with kids that have severe and profound disabilities. Sometimes just hearing and observing the things happening to my students and their families is alot to bear (one of my student's families was homeless at one point) and I need someone to talk to and pray with about their situations. He does not care and never shows any interest in what I do. And when I try to talk to him about work (well, he works part time), he doesn't want to talk about that either. So, I have tried just carrying on a regular conversation about other things outside of work and the children. It's like talking to myself. He zones out. He says he doesn't want to talk, and he shoes me away or says really hurtful things. I know that in relationships, we sometimes will do and say things that are hurtful, but this is who my husband is and it is so sad to me. It's more than a personality difference. He only cares about his wants and desires. We are both in school and I have fully supported his going back to school. I try to take the kids out every weekend and even spend the night at my mom's house on weekends. When we are home, I try to keep them quiet so he can concentrate on his work. When I am doing my work, he leaves or doesn't even make any attempt to watch the kids. Not to mention, for Mothers' Day he did NOTHING for me at all nor did he do anything with the kids while when Father's Day rolls around I may not always have money, but I make darn sure the kids at least make or buy him a card and tell him happy fathers day. He even admitted to my mother that he wasn't planning to do anything for me. Rather, he started an argument with me then told me the only way he would watch the kids for me so I could go to lunch with my mother, was if I took them with me to run errands that Saturday. So I did. And he was nasty to me when I got home that evening. I am wondering when and how I can fall back in love with my husband when most of the time I just want to choke him. How can men be so inconsiderate?
  • Elizabeth Feb 26, 2010 @ 11:43 am | delete
    I was an infatuated teenager when I got married. I thought I was in love. I got pregnant on our 1 year anniversary and then got pregnant again 8 weeks after I had my first son. Now my boys are 3 and 2. My husband does NOTHING around the house. If I want to work I have to pay for a car, gas, and daycare. My husband eats out for breakfast and lunch everyday and thinks this is fine. If I eat out for lunch I have to explain where all our money went. I feel guilty every time I eat out or buy a shirt. (I usually end up taking back whatever I buy because he makes me feel so guilty about it, whereas he thinks its just fine to buy accessories for his jeep.) I am so tired of being in a marriage with a man I have no feelings for. I dont even see him as a good friend or helper. At most he's a very bad roommate. However my family is very religious and looks down on divorce. Also there is no way I would be able to afford living by myself with two boys in daycare. I don't know what to do!!
  • mane2010 Apr 8, 2010 @ 3:04 pm | delete
    Elizabeth,
    My heart goes out for you, I`m sorry you have found yourself in this situation but The good part is that you know waht you want. If I were you I`d fight for what I want, talk to your familly ask them to help you get on your feet, famillies may have religius convictions and values but when it comes to helping out a wounded member they pull together... ofcourse it may take some time and you may find yourself having to take some risks before they get involved but it`ll work out. Reach out and see if there is anything that a social worker could be able to do for you if you were to split and take that chance.. and start small... soon you`ll have your life in your hands and you`ll see that everything will be okay.
    your are young, you`ve got your whole life ahead of you! How do you want to live it?

    Best of luck to you and your children.
  • charmed Feb 17, 2010 @ 6:11 pm | delete
    I have been with my husband for 12yrs we have been married for 4 years. about a year ago I fell horribly sick, the question of death from this sickness was there. Leaving that In my mind, the pain and him losing his job at the time. I found it hard to be mom to my boys and wife. My husband was a great man and took care of it all the kids and me even though I had to work.I fell into a deep depression, closing myself to the outside world. I pushed everyone away, I mean everyone. Now a year later I have found myself that I have fallen out of love with him. It crushes me so cause I do love him but the passion is gone, there is no fire in my soul. The sex may still be great but the time between is very little and i know I can be alot of work sometimes. I know the job he got back is alot of hours away from me and caused alot of things to change in the homefront. From hours I work and time we have together. We barely talk, don't know if that is my fault or his. We started to see a counsler, but in the end I would like to fall back in love with him.
  • jenn Feb 14, 2010 @ 11:14 pm | delete
    I dont want to be in a marriage for 20 years then realize its not right. We will be hitting our 10 year anniversary, my husband is a good person, everyone likes him. There is no fire between us. The passion is gone. Ive tried to spark our relationship up, but Im at the end of my rope. I dont know what to do. I feel like he doesnt know who I am, and I dont want to lose myself.
  • Jobby Feb 13, 2010 @ 10:43 pm | delete
    The biggest mistake I made was to spend time by myself and let my wife do the same without protecting our together time after we had a child. We viewed this as a practical way to survive our busy jobs and schedule but in the end I think it was our undoing. No matter what happens in your life, make sure to value the things you cherish, and to back up those values with actions. Before you know it, the years fly by, and it becomes very hard to repair a love that has been taken apart one thread at a time...
  • Karen Feb 11, 2010 @ 10:47 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been mararied for 33 years. We have always been different in the way we like to socialize, but over the years we have done whatever we had to. We have two daughters and two grandchildren (beautiful babies). A few years ago my husband became disabled. I have done whatever I could to help him and keep things going. Lately he has been so controling, finances, my time, what I do where I go. I know he feels he is unable to control his life, can't drive, has trouble with balance to walk, has cognitive difficulties when away from familiar surroundings. I have taken him on a couple of trips, however it is too stressful for me, I can't do it any more. He is just too much for me and I just don't care about him any more.
  • winter Feb 2, 2010 @ 7:30 pm | delete
    wow,penny,you're like an angel sent from heaven,tnx so much for your enlightening words,helped me so much.
  • PENNY Jan 19, 2010 @ 8:07 pm | delete
    LADIES!!!!! Each of you need to do some research into EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. It is one thing to drift apart from your spouse which is what this article is about and an entirely different one to be emotionally abused. If you are being abused (however little or great) Do not hesitate to consider leaving. I only say this because statistically (read the books) 99% of these types of men are so entiled to the demands they are making (and the criticism they are dishing) they honestly do not beleive they are doing anything wrong, so to talk to them about it usually makes them even more upset because they cant beleive how crazy your being for thinking that of them. You can stay in an abusive relationship but do not expect them to change. My advice on how to survive (thats right, I believe it would just be survival not neccassarily happiness) is to find yourself. You must know who you are and what you want to be - then you need to find the courage to be that person not matter what he says. This is the hard part, because we both know he will say something to try to cut you down. I read a wonderful book called "how we got this way, and how do we fix it" Mostly about how we became who we are based on the influences in our lives. It focuses a lot on our childhoods and family influence, but what got me was that I had a very good childhood and that most of the information applied to how my husband hugely influenced changes I went through as an adult (and became a very insecure scared, confused person because of him). The books main message is this, and its very important: What other people think of you is none of you business - If your doing your best to be a good, kind, caring person than it does not matter what he (anyone) thinks of you. Their opinion is just that, and opinion based on their own faulty thinking. If he says you didnt clean enough and you know that you were busy doing other things (or that this house is emaculate, but hes just picky) then thats his problem, you can simply ignore everything he says cause your a good mother, wife, doing your very best. What if he says your bests not good enough, well thats his problem, cause your best is different than everyone elses best and as long as you did your best thats all you need to worry about. There are so many more good examples of how someone elses bad behavior can affect you -- Please find these books on emotional abuse, I got them all at the library. They will help you find your Brain so you not so confused. I know how you feel, Im still living with My abusive husband after 13 years and Im still struggling with knowing what to do for sure. But I am starting to heal and find myself and that has been a huge blessing to me. GOOD LUCK!!!
  • CommonSense Sep 9, 2011 @ 12:04 am | delete
    @PENNY: I really resent that you support "a person's best - and if it isn't good enough for you, too bad". What a deplorable, selfish attitude! Guess what? Sometimes your "best" isn't enough! Deal with it! Grow up! Time to be a mature adult and raise the ceiling.

    My husband used to constantly claim he was "doing his best", as if it had the power to neutralize our problems. Well, I finally told him "his best" wasn't enough and never was, and that his personal ceiling had to be raised. Sure, he couldn't believe my audacity and blustered like an infant for a while... but he eventually chose to acknowledge this and really improved his best.

    Don't let it get stagnant, and stop using it as an excuse like some dumb loser. Your best should always improve.
  • jess Jan 17, 2010 @ 4:47 pm | delete
    I have been maried for 2 yr's and i feel like im his room mate or like a nagging mother. i have spoken to him about this many times and nothing has changed. things have changed and he is not the man i thought he would be . i dont know what to do and i want out marage to work. help
  • marie Feb 16, 2010 @ 8:02 am | delete
    Jess, If you feel this way after 2 years, that isn't good. Can't tell how old you are, or if you have children. Try marriage counseling about this issue, but if it is not resolved in a year it may be time to terminate the relationship and move on. This advice comes from hard experience - I have the same type of husband and sometimes even well intentioned people do not change. You must also consider if your behavior enables him to remain the little boy in the relationship. I know mine own "taking care of it because he won't " attitude started as helpful but soon became resentful. Look at your interactions and see if you can find ways to stop nagging and let the consequences of his lack of action fall where they may.
  • winter Jan 15, 2010 @ 3:40 pm | delete
    We were married 9 years too,but this is the first time I've felt this,fallin out of love,for 9 years i've cared for this family,but he never appreciated it.He comes home from work,straight to the couch in front of the television,never askin me how was my day,he's really inconsiderate n insensitive,but when his mother n sister comes here to visit,it seems he does all that he can to help them with the household work,but if its me who's workin,it seems like he doesnt bother to help me.In 9 years,he never once gave me gift for my bdays,anniversaries,as in nothing.I no longer want to fall in love with him agani,I dont want to get divorce either,I'll just stay in limbo...
  • Unhappy with 1 Feb 13, 2010 @ 9:38 pm | delete
    Wow!!! I know exactly how you feel. I want to leave my husband, but we have 2 kids togther and each have one we've brought in from a previous relationship. I think I am at the point of just lingering in the limbo stage too. We don't communicate. I blame my husband for my 2 year old's speech delay. He doesn't go to daycare because my husband works at night. I know he doesn't say a word to my kids, which kills me because we have a total of 4 boys. I feel that i have failed my kids because they see such a failed marriage. We don't interact, show affection, etc. I tell my kids I love them and hug them everyday, so thay can at least see that it is ok to love.
  • janis Jan 12, 2010 @ 9:42 am | delete
    i was left hanging on a relationship after 9 long years my husband suddenly didnt communicate with me, i dont know whats wrong for the past years he had been the center of my life, i used to be abused by him yet i stood by his side because i loved him, for 9 years he had 7 flings with other girls and yet i never left him, i now reached the point of not knowing where am i, whether i still love him or i dont, he nver treated me rught nor pampered me i am now thinking that for 9 years i only insisted myself to him..i just dont know where to pick up myself with him i lost my self esteem and confidence.
  • Elizabeth Jan 3, 2010 @ 1:21 am | delete
    I just feel very distant because he works alot and the sex isnt that good. He snores at night, doesnt clean up and is very gross.. and i just ultimately dont feel attracted to him anymore and I dont know why because I really want to feel attracted to him and sometimes I do try to convince myself that he's handsome and all that but I just cant and just wait till the sex is over..
  • amber Feb 6, 2010 @ 1:15 pm | delete
    i too feel the same way....
  • Sarah Dec 26, 2009 @ 10:27 am | delete
    My husband is in the U.S. ARMY... and last month he was about to deploy to Iraq, but the day before he was about to leave for that whole year, he was talking to a woman who was sending him nude pictures of herself and he also sent a picture of himself too, while I was packing up our apartment and sobbing...depressed. The woman and him exchanged e-mails in hopes that she would send more pictures to him. We have only been married for 7 months, and I am pregnant. In all this ruccus after I found out about his digital infidelity, the thought of divorce and abortion crossed my mind repetitively... it still does even though I tell him otherwise. He wants to fix the marriage that he already messed up, but I am scared to take the steps. I am younger, and I feel almost as if I wasted my time with him, and I truly want a rewind button. It may seem superfluous to some people, but to me with my upbringing, he might as well should've just cheated on me. I am deeply wounded... therefore I feel emotionally detached from him and I don't even get excited if he gets a chance to call me from Iraq. I am trying my best to love him the same again.
  • anne Feb 27, 2010 @ 11:18 pm | delete
    that's so sad. i don't think it's superfluous! that is serious giving the timing (that he was about to leave and you've only been married for 7 months). i say follow your heart and do what you think is right (if its divorce, abortion, staying together, whatever). don't let anyone judge you.
  • Raechel Dec 8, 2009 @ 7:40 am | delete
    I have been married for 23 years. I believe that basically because of how my husband and I got together that the marriage wasn't meant to be in the first place. We married out of insecurity and both of us had a lot of baggage and dysfunction. Through the years and two boys later we have both grown apart. He is very legalistic and controlling and I am sensitive. We are really different and I am not feeling attracted to him. He has even become legalistic with my boys which causes me to not want to be close to him either. Bottom line, I am hurt, disappointed and I don't know what to do to fix this. Divorce is not something that I want to do especially because of the kids. I just don't know what to do to be able to change things. Help!!
  • Genny, Nov 10, 2009 @ 4:15 pm | delete
    I can feel your pain. It hurts when you do all you can in a relationship and you feel you don't get anything in return. What I will tell you right now is FORGIVE him. As tough as this sounds it is going to heal you. Then talk to him about it using the I language not blaming him but making your point about how you felt about his attitude. Read about personalities and you will get to know your husband's personality. Some people are just like that. Stone have no feelings for people who are grieving. The catch here is that you feel the way you do because you think of what you have done for him if he was the one grieving nd you expect the same thing from. I have come to a pont where I don't expect anything from my husband so I don't get hurt when he does some of these disheartening stuff. You are not alone, if our marriage means a lot to you, work at it.
  • am Nov 8, 2009 @ 11:42 pm | in reply to truth | delete
    your only a baby yourself, so young and already committed.. can you go stay with your mum awhile, they are always there to help. have some you time.. talk it over with your mum she will gaive you the hug you need
  • a.m Nov 8, 2009 @ 11:34 pm | delete
    what do you do when your married but someone else catches your eye and your thoughts are only about them
  • amanda Nov 21, 2009 @ 10:53 am | delete
    I would like to know that myself. I have been married for two years and I have realized that I am not sexually attractive to my husband. I realized this because I found myself attracted to someone else. My husband is the nicest man. He is traying to make me fall in love with him again, but the more he tries, the more that I feel apart and guilty about having eyes for someone else.
  • in love with another... Jan 21, 2010 @ 10:22 pm | delete
    I am in the exact same situation. My husband is a dear, sweet, man, but we had NEVER had a passion for one another, so there is no passion to re-kindle. We were just two nice people who were good friends who each felt that the other would make a good spouse. Now, after 5 years of marriage, and being virtually ignored by my husband, a wonderful man has caught my eye and he fills my every thought, he fills my heart, he fills my mind, he fills my soul and I love him with every fiber of my being. (We have never been intimate, but have been close for about 7 months). I have almost no love left for my husband and I don't know what to do. People tell me to remove the other person from my life; - but the thought of being without him... I don't want to. I know that he would continue to constantly stay on my mind even if I never saw him again, and my love for my husband still wouldn't come back. I don't know what to do...
  • Amy San Diego May 8, 2010 @ 10:22 pm | delete
    In love with another-- I was in the same situation. Once I did remove my infatuation and realized that the love I have for Scott is real love but we just cant be. It got better. I learned to accept my husband of 14 years for who he is. We had gotten to the point our divorce was 5 weeks from being final. But we we're like you said. "Good Friends" and thats half the battle of a good relationship. Yes, I never had passion for my husband either. We were friends and had insecurties and got married at 20. But again, like many of you have been saying. "He is a good man, a good provider, a good father." What the hell is wrong with us? Our mother's generation would have been content with just that! You need to speak, without attacking to your spouse. Get marriage counseling to talk out things. We are dating each other now, sending love texts, spicing things up by going to an adult store and played around with toys. Its fun again, after 17 years together and 14 years married. I'm starting to see him again, and realize all this stress of kids, and work are fleeting. When it comes to the end of my life. I want my best friend by my side. Not the one who for a few months gave me passion or desire I was craving. But the one who is in it for the long haul...my husband. And remember ladies, we're not perfect either. Why do we expect them to be. :)
  • emma Nov 5, 2009 @ 7:04 pm | delete
    reading your post was like lookin in a mirror i feel exactly the same the only difference is that i work full time so atleast i have sumthing 2 distract me from the missery. my husband always blames me for everything and every arguments my fault i feel so bad at times that i feel i have nowere 2 turn and no purpose i just thank god we have no kids. i also feel like a big baby because i cry all the tym and he has no simpathy i honestly don knw wat i did 2 deserve such a terrible husband, i cook i clean imake sure he has everthing he needs and i keep myself atractive for him but it just doesnt seem enuf its like im in a glass box talking 2 myself, but i didnt get married just 2 be divorced 3years later i just want im 2 wake up and realise wat we have i live in hope that 1 day he will till then its tears aplenty! xx
  • helpless Nov 4, 2009 @ 10:19 am | delete
    So I don't know what to do...My husband and I have been together for 15 years, 8 years have been slowly plunging into hell for me. He has been emotionally abusive to me, so much so that I just look at him with disgust. Little stuff like--"you didn't offer a cold coke to our daughter, that's disgusting behavior..so rude, we don't do that in this home, I'm ashamed at your behavior." And as our daughter got older, he started slowly doing crap like that to her as well, so I'd throw myself in the middle to spare her--no way anyone was going to do that to my girl. So I got to the point where I just didn't love him, and I was enduring the days until our daughter graduated so she could grow up "normal" and then after that--I'm gone. Then it all came to a head about 2 weeks ago. Now suddenly he's a "changed man" and wants to try to change and make everything work. But I don't love him...he's being nice, but I don't feel anything for him anymore. HELP!
  • 23Years Jan 4, 2010 @ 11:02 pm | delete
    My story is very much the same. What have you decided?
  • CASSEY Nov 3, 2009 @ 8:46 pm | delete
    I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 YRS. AND DATED HIM FOR 10 YRS. I'VE CHEATED FROM THE BEGINNING IN THE MARRIAGE BACK IN FORTH NOW I FILED FOR A DIVORCE. I STAYED IN THE MARRIAGE FOR ALL THE WRONG REASON MY 3 KIDS. MAYBE I FORCE HIM TO MARRY ME I CAN'T RECALL ALL I KNOW I WAS LONELY I DID EVERYTHING A GOOD WIFE WOULD DO. HE STARTED DISRESPECTING ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS,STOP HAVING SEX, IGNORING ME ,NO COMMUNICATION AND WHEN I AWAKE UP HE'S GONE,. I CHANGE MY ROUTINE STARTED HANGING OUT. GOT WITH AN OLD FRIEND WE ARE JUST HAVING SEX AND HE FAULTS THE GUY FOR MESSING UP HIS MARRIAGE.HE BROUGHT ME A NEW CAR THOUGHT I WOULD CHANGE FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH HIM HE NEVER CHANGE ONLY THING HE SPENDS TIME NOW WITH THE KIDS BUT YOU AND I KNOW IT'S BECAUSE HE WANTS TO INTERFERE IN MY LIFE. MISERY LOVES COMPANY SOMETIMES IT'S TO LATE ALSO HE DOESN'T HAVE A PLACE TO GO TO CALL HIS HOME.I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT I'M NOT IN LOVE
  • God? Nov 3, 2009 @ 11:31 am | delete
    I'm sorry but God has nothing to do with your relationship. It is up to *you* to fix it and work through it. God has become an imaginary friend for adults in this society... people just take the responsibility off of themselves by assuring that a God must have something to do with it, that there is some grand plan. You got into the marriage, find a way to make it work or get out. Simple as that.
  • No, not god. Apr 14, 2011 @ 11:53 am | delete
    Well said!! Take responsibility people. Prayer may give you comfort but God (if there is one) gave you a brain and the faculties to use it so as to work on and solve problems like these.
  • unhappy Nov 2, 2009 @ 2:16 am | delete
    I have also fallen out of love with my husband. We have been together for 11 years and have a daughter. He is a selfish person never takes me out. Never proposed. Never tells me Im pretty. The only reason we are together is because we dont talk or even see each other. Im happier when he is not around. I do care for him but the love is slowly vanashing.
    I dont talk to him about how I feel because he will suddenly turn against me and say Im crazy. I dont believe in divorce. (my religious beliefs) but I dont know what to do if he doesnt change.
  • Wife Nov 1, 2009 @ 10:24 am | delete
    I have been married for 26 years, and have been empty nested for over 5 years. I feel alone. We get up, go to work, have dinner and go to bed. (repeat)
    We can be in the same room for 4 hours and only say 2 words. We have become incapable of conversation outside of topics pertaining to work or our daughter.
    We keep saying lets, take a class, learn o dance, anything to get something in common (besides our Daughter) again. I garden, he sits. I do all house work, shopping etc. he sits. I go do projects, crafts, etc. he sits. His job is stressful and he is tired. My job is no picnic, but I can't just sit!
    My husband is the bread winner, and I am the maid.
    How did we get here? Are we just together because it is easier than getting a divorce?
    How do I fall back in love with my husband? How do we learn what we like so we can learn to love each other again?
  • Lynn Oct 30, 2009 @ 9:12 am | delete
    On November 2nd i wll be married for 13 years. I fell out of love with my husband years ago. But never said anything we have 2 beautiful children boy 10 girl 7. I new very early on that he wasn't my soul mate. But i had my son and would not leave. He has a great job a good person not ugly I just fell out of love. Then we had a another child. And I thought that after her I would start to love him again.And to make things worse i met this guy that ihave been freinds with for a while and the first time I met him I knew he was my soul mate and he feels the same way and i don't know what to do i truly beleive in soul mates but I am married w/k It has been 3 weeks now that all of this came out about me not loving him the way he loves me. I haven't said I love you to him first in years. And when he says it to me most of the time I don't respond back. He loves me so much and I don't love him I haven't in a long long time. We are in counciling now I really don't know how it is going to turn out
  • Lynn Oct 30, 2009 @ 9:12 am | delete
    On November 2nd i wll be married for 13 years. I fell out of love with my husband years ago. But never said anything we have 2 beautiful children boy 10 girl 7. I new very early on that he wasn't my soul mate. But i had my son and would not leave. He has a great job a good person not ugly I just fell out of love. Then we had a another child. And I thought that after her I would start to love him again.And to make things worse i met this guy that ihave been freinds with for a while and the first time I met him I knew he was my soul mate and he feels the same way and i don't know what to do i truly beleive in soul mates but I am married w/k It has been 3 weeks now that all of this came out about me not loving him the way he loves me. I haven't said I love you to him first in years. And when he says it to me most of the time I don't respond back. He loves me so much and I don't love him I haven't in a long long time. We are in counciling now I really don't know how it is going to turn out
  • idk Oct 25, 2009 @ 4:11 pm | delete
    how can you love someone when you aren't in love with them? I'm trying to find the unconditional love....where did it go? and why did it go away?
  • depressed Oct 25, 2009 @ 4:01 pm | delete
    how? [in reply to David]
  • Tara Oct 22, 2009 @ 8:47 pm | delete
    I've been married for 23 years, and was so desperately in love with my husband that I thought there was no way I could ever not be in love with him. Now, he just irritates me. I do feel like everything as far as house and children are my responsibility and I do resent him for that. I work full time, plus have to commute to work. He works hard and long hours, but he does ZERO around the house. NADA, and I am sick of it. All I can think of, is that my life would be much easier if he wasn't in it. He is just extra work for me. I don't want another man, ever. I think men for the most part are selfish pigs. AND, my husband is a great, nice man and I know some woman out there would love to be with him. Just not me anymore. Is there still hope? and do I even want hope?
  • Julie Oct 19, 2009 @ 12:13 pm | delete
    Hi ladies, I feel a lot of what most of you are saying. I've been married for 17 years, together for 23. He's 13 years older then me, and he was previously married with a son. I really was in love with him. I now feel numb, resentful, angry, and sad. There is no emotional support at all. When I tried to tell him 4/5 years ago he got very upset and wouldn't listen. I didn't blame him for anything, instead I told him it was me that had the problem. He never asks me how I feel or what I think about most things. I snap at him and I feel like I'm going to lose it. He's a good man and a hard worker. He tells me he loves me and how beautiful I am all the time, but I just don't feel the love. Am I crazy? You think if he did really love me he'd be more concerned about the fact that the sex and any intimacy has been gone for 3 years. There is a pink elephant in the room and neither one of us is talking about it. We're just roommates now and we're conjenial, but I'm miserable.
  • louis Oct 18, 2009 @ 5:07 pm | delete
    I cant stand my husband sometimes and I realized I don't love him I feel we are just together because we don't know what or where to go but he says he loves me but I really dont love him 14 years is long and my feelings have really changed I feel it will not last any longer for I have lost all feelings for him..I dont know what to do.
  • jit Oct 16, 2009 @ 1:25 pm | delete
    I am wondering how I will fall in love with someone that I was never "in Love With" to begin with. He caught me on the rebound and was the companion I needed because I was young and didn't have a soul-mate or a best friend. He was my best-friend by default, but I was never attracted to him. We went out so many years that marriage just became an obligatory fact, even though I once, before marriage, tried to figure out a way to leave, but through his pain, was so overwhelmed by sorrow and compassion that I thought I could continue on. He must have known that our couplehood was less than ideal because on the rare occasion he has either strayed or come very close which I resent because I sacrificed so much in fidelity for him. Now that I've finally grown up and found myself I feel despair as it is far too late---we have three children whom I wouldn't hurt for anything. I can't bear sexual relations with him I find him so physically repulsive, yet I feel a terrible guilt for this also.
  • LONLEY Oct 1, 2009 @ 5:05 pm | delete
    I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 2 1/2 YEARS. MY MARRIAGE IS FALLING APART. WE HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 6 YEARS AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE HAVE GROWN SO FAR APART FROM EACH OTHER. I DONT FEEL LIKE I KNOW THE MAN I AM MARRIED TO. WE ARGUE EVERYDAY. ABOUT ONE THING OR ANOTHER. I START CRYING TRYING TO TELL HIM I FEEL ALONE, U WANT MORE TIME WITH HIM, DATE EACHOTHER AGAIN, BECAUSE THE SPARK I FEEL ISNT THERE. HE TELLS ME TO STOP CRYING I JUST LOOK LIKE A BIG BABY, STOP TELLING HIM I WANNA GO ON DATES AGAIN BECAUSE HE ALREADY KNOWS THAT HE DOESNT NEED ME TO TELL HIM. I FEEL LIKE I AM ON THE BACK BURNER. I FEEL UNAPPRECIATED. WHEN HE GETS HOME HE ALWAYS SAYS HE IS TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL AND THEN STARTS TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS AND DRINKING HIS BEER AND I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE THE ONE HE WANTS TO TALK TO. WERE NOT FRIENDS OR LOVERS. I FEEL DIRESPECTED. HE PUTS THE BLAME ON ME NEVER ON HIM, TRIES TO TELL ME I SHOULDNT BE TIRED BECAUSE I DONT WORK HARD LABOR LIKE HE DOES.N E ADV
  • Felecia Sep 21, 2009 @ 2:11 pm | delete
    Mary I am setting here reading your post with tears in my eyes. I came to this site because I am trying desperately to fall back in love with my husband and to hear that after 15 years of marriage you want out - my heart just dropped. My husband and I have only been married for two and a half years, but we have a 16 year old child together and have known each other for 21 years. I have never had the cheating issue in this relationship, but I feel very used in this relationship. I am the provider and I am tired of it. But I think my concern is for you right now more than me. How do you forgive cheating? I don't know, but I know you can. God is able to heal you of the pain if you want to be healed. I keep looking to God in my situation because my commitment was to Him and my husband. Right now I am trying my darndest to honor my commitment to God and the by product is learning to love my husband again. I am praying for you that you will find peace with or without your husband.
  • Searching Sep 18, 2009 @ 2:52 pm | delete
    Many times when our love for our husband starts to grow old, we begin to compare him with others. It is especially detrimental to compare him with a past love. When that relationship didn't work out, it was for a reason, but we may be blind to that fact. Often, when we look for a new love, we find someone much like the old one. This is called, "repetition compulsion." Our best course of action may be to become more loving and tolerant of the one who actually made a commitment to us. Even if things don't work out in the end, we are better people and we're more prepared to move on to another more loving relationship. So, if you disrespect yourself, go on that diet, learn something to build respect for yourself again, etc. When you learn to love yourself again, maybe that will help your husband to see the special woman you are. If not, you haven't lost yourself. You are a better person and you love and respect yourself.
  • David Sep 15, 2009 @ 12:51 pm | delete
    Unfortunately, loving someone is not all within our control. I'm sure plenty of you have met the "perfect" person for you but just couldn't get those feelings to come. Staying in love with someone is entirely within our control. Once you love someone, you will always love them. You may not be "in love" at times, but you will still love if you really force yourself to think about it. Staying in love is all about being "selfless" just as you were when you met. It is hard to do but this is where God comes into play. God is your oversight. He will judge YOU not your situation. If YOU provide everything your spouse needs of you and he/she strays, it is not your fault. If you do NOT provide everything your spouse needs and they stray it IS your fault. It doesn't matter what they are providing or not for you! This is selflessness. We all had it when we started our loves. God shows you how to get it back!
  • concern person Sep 13, 2009 @ 9:58 pm | in reply to nofitpitchin | delete
    When a man truly loves you ,he want make the same mistake.Get yourself together dry your tears.Be strong. You are all that God made you do not blame yourself.He need to earn your trust.Take care you are loved!!!!!!!!
  • nofitpitchin Sep 11, 2009 @ 1:01 pm | in reply to Hurt by Love | delete
    If you have not told him how your feelings are hurt by his lack of sympathy and support, you are not being fair to him. Guys have big egos and many are afraid of showing emotion or just don't know how. For some, consoling a grieveing persone is like asking them to choreograph a ballet...they just don't know where to start and some run away for fear of saying the worng thing and making matters worse. I imagine he mentally shut-down out of "fear of failure". You need to tell him "I am struggling with feeling alone because of your lack of support"...."I am resentful that you are not reaching out to me...."..."I am hurt". He may comeback in a defensive way, but you just need to get it off your chest and put him in the position of making the next move. With him having the knowledge of your feelings, he will be forced to act on that. Keep talking to him and letting him know how you feel. Don't let your loss create another one. Talk, talk, talk!
  • mary Sep 10, 2009 @ 7:10 am | delete
    I know what you are going through. I been married for 15 yrs , i loved my husband very much, BUT he had an affair twice on me . The affairs were only a one night stand kind of thing. We both are going to see a counsller ,but i think it is a waist of time . Nothing has changed , only for him to say that he is very sorry. ( what ever ) I was told all those things before. I love him dearly , but i feel that i am been pushed away from him , he seems to get over things quickly than me. I am hurt , mad , and i want him to feel the deep pain i am feeling . I know two wrongs don't make a right.I am headed for a divorce if i don't get help. My husband tells me all the time that he loves me more than anything in the world. If he loved as much as he says , he shouldn't have went with these two one night stands. Please help my mind is out of control. ( I want out ). Mary.
  • hopeless Sep 8, 2009 @ 12:25 pm | in reply to chocolatelover | delete
    I am going through the same thing! I need him to be more independent, and responsible, i feel all his weight on my shoulders and it makes me resent him. Were always fighting, he acts jelious of me and Iv tryed to be encouraging, and supportive but came to a point where iv been quite mean, and bossy, i feel like him his mother alot of times??
  • chocolatelover Aug 29, 2009 @ 8:24 am | delete
    don't know why this happens...i just fell out. we went through a lot over the last 1-2 years...moved 3 times. he just keeps letting me down. he doesn't lie, cheat, hurt me, he still loves me. i want to still love him - but i'm just tired of being disappointed. i'm tired...i want more. sometimes just loving someone isn't enough. and he doesn't get it. i do - i've told him over and over...in a million different languages. he just doesn't grasp the concept of effort for self-improvement or for marital improvement. he's a GOOD GUY - i just don't love him any more. no one is wrong. it's just "dead" so sad.
  • Mrs. Wright Aug 29, 2009 @ 2:38 am | delete
    I've been out-of-love with my husband for several years now and it seems that these feelings have intensified (sp) lately! I met my husband when I was 15 years old, married him when I was 21 and now that I'm 28, I feel that we've just grown apart. I've been with this man almost half of my life and I feel that he still doesn't "know" me! I'm to the point now where I really want to date other men and I actually long to be intimate with someone else. On the flip side, I'm afraid that he's the best that I'll get because it really not a lot of "GOOD" men out there anymore.

    At this point, I don't know what to do! Any advice?????????
  • Stuck Jul 21, 2010 @ 11:33 am | delete
    Mrs. Wright... your post was just under a year ago... seems like I am in the same position now that you were or are. How did you resolve your issues? I am scared that there is nothing else out there for me.
  • James Aug 25, 2009 @ 11:57 am | delete
    Women tend to put in the man´s responsibility all failures, and men tend to frustrate themselves and not tell anybody for instance that your wife doesnt kiss you anymore. Both have to work in it, each one has to make his or her own work to enhance the pair of souls, in this time sex is not that important as the soul meet in spiritual goals, and again the persons meet in material goals
  • Hurt by Love Aug 25, 2009 @ 11:03 am | delete
    I am 35 and have been married for 16 years, I always feld like I was in love rather just love my Husband, i will always wakes him in the mornings kissing his back or massage him till he wakes, i will send him sexy mails and sms's. I used to say that everytime I saw him I want to make love to him. Then my dad died, and I think that is where it all started, My husband did not once show me any sypathy (please excuse my spelling I am not english) or grieve nor did he ask me about my feelings or feld sorry for me. I started find fault for everthing he does, he started to annoy me, and I dont whant him to touch me, this is 3 months later and I dont even whant to go home anymore, I have 2 beutyfull girls age 16 and 12 and I dont whant to give up on them, I just whant to fall back in love with the man I once thouth as my Hero.
  • pinkgirl Aug 24, 2009 @ 10:15 pm | delete
    Everyone needs 2 pray. Prayer changes everything. If u keep dwelling on bad things they willb become more of a problem. Think of the good times and remember when and why u fell in love. :)
  • truth Aug 24, 2009 @ 12:38 am | delete
    I have only been married for a year and I am alread feeling like i am falling out of love. Im scared because everyone has been married for several years before feeling this way and I've only been married for a year. My husband and I have talked so many times about our lack of love and attraction for each other but we can't seem to figure out the problem. I am 21 and my husband is 28. We have a 5 month old son and I seriously don't have an attratction to my husband, he does so many things that annoy and frustrate me. I feel like our priorities are changing. Mine is family first, his is work and friends but he won't admit that. He tells me he loves me but he doesn't show it very well. I feel like I am not brave enough to get a divorce but I think it might be the best thing because I just can't do this. The only reaon why I would stay in this marriage even if I completely fall out of love is because of my son. I don't know what to do.
  • MICHIGAN MOM Aug 23, 2009 @ 1:02 pm | delete
    I LOVE MY HUSBANB BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 10 YRS BUT MARREID 4YRS.WE HAVE 2 CHILDREN LIVING AT HOME. WE HAVE HAD OUR SHARE OF PROBLEMS ON AND OFF BUT I FEEL THAT EVERY AND ANY PROBLEM WE HAVE HAD HAS CONSUMED ME. ANOTHER PROBLEM IS THAT HE NEVER GIVES ME TIME TO BE ALONE, I LIKE AND ENJOY ME TIME BUT I NEVER GET IT. I ALSO THINK WE ARE LIVING BEYOND OUR MEANS AND THAT TAKES A TOLL ON MY FEELINGS ALSO. I FEEL LIKE I WANT A DIVORCE BEEN THEN AGAIN I AM NOT TOTALLY SURE I JUST KNOW THAT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM AND DONT SHARE ANY EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL BOND WITH HIM. HE STILL LOVES ME AND WANTS OUR MARRIAGE TO WORK BUT FOR ME I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. "SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE"
  • laydnred Aug 22, 2009 @ 11:16 am | delete
    I have been married for 38 years, my kids are grown I'm 57 I had a affair 10 years ago, and I fell deeply in love with this man who was also married,since then he has called me at work and wanted to get back together I found out he has a girfriend and everyword he has said to me has been a lie which has broke my heart, I was ready to leave my husband for him, until he got caught, then it was don't say a word and if I contacted her he would never speak to me again well guess what I did. now he has refused to talk to me, even after all the love he said he had for me. He is 10 yrs. younger than I am and it was the first time in my life I was happy. I just need help in getting over this man, I want to tell his girlfriend, but I don't want to hurt her feelings, can anyone help me?
  • city4view Aug 21, 2009 @ 10:43 am | delete
    You nailed it.. I feel like I get no emotional support. He cannot articulate how he feels about me, it all sounds so cliche when he tells me.
  • Feeling lost and confused in Florida Aug 20, 2009 @ 3:03 pm | delete
    I am on my second marriage. My first marriage was very abusive I was with him over 6 years. I met him when I was 17. I met my second husband the very day i left my first husband we been married for 8yrs. He's wonderful but I feel i've missed so many things. And i still haven't dealt with the issues left over from my first marriage. I'm scare to tell him how i feel. Though he's never hurt me. Some part of me feels he will if he turly new me.
  • Wishful ... Aug 18, 2009 @ 10:52 pm | delete
    I still love my husband, but my attitude towards him is very distant and critical a lot of the time. I think it comes from years of carrying the majority of the home-maker load as well as working and caring for the kids. I've become tired and resentful of my position in the home. Many times I've tried to tell him how I feel ... and he might be more helpful for a while, and then we get back into the same cycle again. He is a good man ... doesn't hit me or belittle me and brings home a good income every week. Just recently he has been making a bit more of an effort to help, but I don't seem to have what it takes to respond. I'd very much like to be in love with my husband again ... I just don't know how to.
  • Sherri Aug 17, 2009 @ 1:24 pm | delete
    Gosh it seems like there are alot of women that fell out of love with their husbands. I ahve been moarried only 8 1/2 months and we have been together 5 1/2 years. I am not in love with him and I think he feels the sama and I really don't know what to do. He is a good man and a great provider but I do all the rest. I have 7 children three are grown and gone away from home and 2 boys 12,8 aren't my husbands then we have twin girls 3. I have a house full of people but I feel very lonely and worthless. I don't work outside of my home, however at home is hard work. I really don't have anyone to tell my feeling and I am scared of how I feel. I don't want a divorce I want back what we had. When I met him I thought he was the best man in the world now I hate to even see him coming home from work! What should I do. It isn't fair to anyone him, our children or myself!
  • Mama T Aug 15, 2009 @ 1:17 pm | delete
    I am 21 and have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children. He was a sweet, considerate, innocent person when we met. I was crazy for him. We have had a lot of problems the last 3 years and he has been gone for 1 1/2. I am so used to being alone. I want to want him, I just don't know if it is still in me.
  • PepperReed Aug 13, 2009 @ 8:33 pm | in reply to Rita | delete
    You nailed it right on the head of my marriage! I think of all the Love and support I've given my husband over the 13 years we've been married and am resentful of the lack of emotional support coming back to me. It exhausting to be the one who's the giver. He's a good man in so many other ways, but I think that I've created my own spoiled monster of a husband!
  • chalice Aug 13, 2009 @ 4:57 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been married about 7 years. I married him when I was 19 years old a month after I had our baby. I wasn't in love with him then just felt it was the right thing to do. We were very young and he had a drinking problem and was very controlling. He would go out with friends and at times not come home. While I was at home with our baby and my niece and nephew from his side of the family we had become their caregivers, I was 21. With three children working and going to college I was very overwhelmed and had no help from him. I finally left him 3 years ago for a month in a half to my mother house to get away. I went back home because I missed him and he swore he would change. He is better now but I can't stand him most of the time. We don't agree on anything, he still doesn't help with the children and he says he loves me and I know he does. But, I am not in love with him and I want to be just don't know how. I don't know what to do because I want to make it work I don't want to give up on our family.
  • LASHEY DAVIS Aug 7, 2009 @ 8:33 pm | in reply to Hurt woman from Jersey | delete
    Everyone has an opionon in mine I say communication. Talk to him and see did he cheat. And infact if he did then why. Its our own faults that can drive some one away or closer to you. I am dealing with cyber cheating some says its a joke but i take it serious. Talk to your mate an see what is left of your marriage only you know if its worth saving even if there is cheating some can still get past it an fall back in love.
  • Hurt woman from Jersey Jul 31, 2009 @ 11:34 am | delete
    I found out that my husban had a friend at work. She wrote her name on the winshield of his car and calls his job.. She keeps harrassing me and bothering me.. I hate him now! did he cheat! What should I do? How should I take it? I wanna love him! we've been married for 7 years hace 2 kids and I thought he was my beest friend.. Now Im so angry!!
  • Jen Jul 30, 2009 @ 6:05 am | delete
    I have been married 10 years to my husband. We had twins in 2004, it was a ruff adjustment, especially with one of my twins having special needs. Since then I have developed resentment and frustration with my husband, over his lack of sympathy, lack of patience and his constants complaints about how his life is hard and or boring.
    In the last year he took up drinking and abusing prescription meds. He is seeing a counsler and is working on his addictions, but still seems depressed and often bi-polar. I have lost any sexual desire I had towards him. He has let me down and our family, I think he is selfish and often disconnected. Tonight we fought again because he wanted sex...I told him that I don't feel attracted to him, I do love him and I am willing to work with him to get him through his problems, but I don't know how to be attracted to him right now. He believes it is and innate desire all humans have and I should be able to overlook the negative and just have sex. is there
  • Here2HelpU Jul 29, 2009 @ 4:32 pm | in reply to Tammy | delete
    Tammy - I'm so sorry to read about your difficulties. Personally, I don't believe that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship. Put yourself first and do what's best for you. You deserve better than that. I'm sending you my blessings. Please take care.
  • Tammy Jul 29, 2009 @ 1:04 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been married a little over 2 years...not even 6 months we had a fight....very bad...next year another fight because he go drunk and hit me ...I left for 45 days with counseloring..he made promises to get me back..I believed him because he restarted acting like the person I fell in love with..Then there are the step children.(his) they live with us...I do have adult children they live out of state...the oldest child (20 Years) has put a wall between us that has changed my husband to using curse words, working lonnnng hours, and we are not emotionally connect or evern physical connect..everything is a chore..I want my married to work but I am 49 years old..I never thought it would be like this...I feel trapped...I just to get excited just by his presence..instead I hate seeing him...We do not have any children together...My question is why stay together?
  • Vera Jul 29, 2009 @ 3:58 am | delete
    I fell out of love with my husband shortly after we married. For me, marriage changed everything. I hate being married and I resent my husband. As soon as we married he basically told me he wanted a 1950's housewife. I was working toward completing my degree and we had discussed our future prior to the marriage. I now feel trapped and we have a baby together. I try to see only the good in him but it's a struggle. Furthermore, when I really try and make an extra effort, he faile to notice. He refusese to get counselling, a dirvorce, trial seperation, and keeps telling me that I need to 'calm down'.
    Life is short and everyone deserves to be happy and treated with respect. It's hard though as the thought of being a single parent scares me!
  • Sandra Jul 28, 2009 @ 8:59 am | delete
    My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs. We don't have any kids we tried everything and could'nt conceive. about a few months ago it seems like things are so different, the feeling that i once have for him is not there. I will love to fall back in love with my husband and bring that spark back in our marriage.
  • Taylor Jul 26, 2009 @ 10:52 pm | delete
    Wow.. I can not believe there are so many women out there that has experience the same thing I have in my relationship with my husband. We have been together for 7 years- married for 4yrs. We have one child.
    I was in love with him for the first three years. Everything was perfect so it seemed. the parents could not come between us and no one else could either. We would laugh at each other jokes and play around and go out often together.
    Now since we had a child all of that lovey dovey stuff has stopped and he listens to whatever his parents say about us or just I and do not stand up for me.
    Total change.
    Last year he wanted to leave me and get seperated because he notice the love was not there. Then he decided to stay. This year I told him he could have his space and he did not leave.
    But the romance is gone and the want to provide the romance is gone too.
    Not to sure what I have gotten myself into but its been seven years and I hope it will change for the best. For all of us.
  • Jen Jul 22, 2009 @ 10:11 pm | delete
    My husband and I have been together for over 10 years. We've only been married for just over a year. I'll tell the truth and say that the only reason I got married was because I got pregnant. He was all in it..but I just thought it was what I was supposed to do. When we first got together we were madly in love with each other..we just didn't work without each other. Then time went on and we drifted apart...we even "took comfort in others" not to sound too chiche...we'd always end up back together...Now that we're married I just don't even look at him the same way. Is there any hope of falling in love with him again? I'm afraid we were doomed from the get go...
  • Rita Jul 21, 2009 @ 10:49 am | delete
    I have experienced the same thing, I use to be so excited to do things for my husband. I pretty much use to spoil him with everything(love). I read the book the Five Love languages and it said that what we do to out husband or vice versa that's normally what we want done to use, like making them feel like a King. Being a wife we pour so much into our husband and kids that we normally don't see the same thing back. I've been married for 7 yrs now, and I think I feel out of love with my husband the first year. So I question myself, was I really in love or was it just the thought. I have expressed to him how I really feel, and after 7 yrs of me expressing myself, now he's trying to do little things here and there. But now it doesn't mean to much to me. I just feel numb and not effected. A women is like a flower you have to water it daily(love, attention, so much more). If you don't do those things the flower begins to die. And it's long process for that flower to grow again, if it does.
  • Amy Jul 11, 2009 @ 9:15 pm | delete
    I just googled this topic. I WANT to be in love w/ my husband because it's easiest (on so many levels). Plus, I know every relationship and person has its and their quirks. However, I have found myself flirting w/ other men in order to just have fun and feel like a happy person again. My husband doesn't make me happy anymore. At one time, I knew no other person to make me as happy as I WAS. It's funny and sad how that does and has changed. I want it back. I want it not only for my child, but for me. I won't get a divorce (not yet--it's only been 3 yrs) but b.c. I won't, I also won't settle for less SO I want more. HOW DO I GET IT?!?!?
  • Megan Jul 6, 2009 @ 8:52 pm | delete
    Are those books available at book stores in australia?
  • Karen Jul 6, 2009 @ 6:12 pm | delete
    I started falling out of love with my husband when we're not even married yet. I'd say I regret marrying him - I knew back then that I didn't love him as much. Although we now have a child and saying in that I regret marrying my husband does not mean I regret having my kid whom I love so dearly.

    I'd say that the major thing that affected my love for him were his parents. They just want to be involve all the time. They don't seem to respect that we are trying to start building "our own family". For them, we are part of their family where his father is the head. This is very unacceptable. My husband always say yes to them and does not seem to realize the harm his parents are causing to "our family".

    Now I can really say that I don't love my husband anymore but because of my son I'm not leaving this marriage.
  • SQUIDOO Dec 25, 2010 @ 5:47 pm | delete
    Hi. My husband was in love with me so I decided to get married. Before marriage I decided to apply for a job abroad. Was with my husband only for few months after the marriage, but he supported me as the job was very well paid, also because of my interest. Its been couple of years now spending separate lives. We both have different goals and have been working hard. Thoughout all these years being married, but staying separate, never raised a question of leaving each other. We have not hurt each other even though staying apart for more than 15 years. Actually we have become good friends.

    This is very strange characteristic of marriage. Our friends are absolutely shocked that how we are able to keep our marriage for more than 15 years seeing each other once a year. Now my dilemma is, is this normal with others as well? Are there any similar cases like mine?
  • Faby Gonzales Jul 3, 2009 @ 6:05 pm | delete
    how do i tell my husband i don't want to be with him anymore.
  • Janie Jun 30, 2009 @ 8:34 pm | delete
    I used to feel secure and thankful for my husband. I would get the kids so excited any time I knew it was time for my husband to walk thru the door. I tried to make him feel like he was the king of the house.
    Now - I feel the opposite. I don't get excited when he walks thru the door, I usually give him a dirty look. I can't see any thing he does that makes me feel secure and thankful.

    I love the fact that we are together with our children. I just wish things were different and after 15 years, I know they will not change unless I am the one that changes. Maybe after a year or so of me changing to what he wants he would love me more and then will he change? Or am I just kidding myself?
  • Connie Jun 24, 2009 @ 8:15 pm | delete
    I am in kind of the same situation. I started dating him in the 10th grade. I had dated other guys but I was his first girlfriend. We got married after being together for 3 years and really because we wanted to. He loves me soo much and tells me continuously. He wants to be together forever. We had our son 21 months into the marriage. I started feeling like I didn't love him just after my son was born but I thought it was PPD. So after 2 years, I still do not love my husband. We have sex and do get along fine, I just don't feel that spark that I used too. I told him how I felt about 6 months ago and nothing changed. I said I wasn't happy or love just 5 days ago and he has since broken down several times and thinks I am going to up and leave. I do want to try and work it out but I feel like I left a long time ago. I want to give it a chance.... I need help!