How to Make Your Teenager Hate You

First, you will need to work on your nagging. This does not come naturally to some of us, but with practice you can learn to drive your teenage son or daughter insane with just a few carefully placed comments. Practice these time-tested phrases: "Well, you aren't going anywhere until this this room is tidy," "Oh my god, are you STILL on that computer?" and, of course, "How exactly do you plan on getting home?" Repeat as necessary.


Photo credit: jppi from morguefile.com

Another good tactic for alienating your teen is to attempt to like the same music they do. The next time you find yourself in the car alone, dial in a local new music station and try to memorize a few band names and choruses. Then the next time you are in the car with your teen and the same song comes on, you can say, "Oh, this is the new one by Kid Cudi and MGMT! I love this song!" Then sing along. It doesn't matter if you get every word right -- in fact, a few well-placed wrong words REALLY makes the kids crazy.


Photo credit: mzacha from morguefile.com

Here is another guaranteed teen terrorizer: the next time they are on Facebook or AIM or texting or using any other mode of electronic socializing, just kind of sidle up behind them. You don't need to actually see anything they are writing or what they are looking at: just your presence over their shoulder will provoke the most extraordinary spasm of accusations and hatred. At the very least you'll get a frantic POS (Parent Over Shoulder). Well done!

Image: imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Express an interest, no matter how casual or passing, in their romantic life. Don't bother being specific. Just raise an eyebrow as if to say, "ooh la la," and imply that the person who has just texted them 53 times in the past ten minutes is in some way more than just a friend. This works every time. Worse yet, try to get to know the boy or girl they care about. Why would you care about the people they hang out with? Obviously your only purpose is to make your teenager hate you even more.

That's right -- ANYTHING. Especially while in the presence of their friends. If you are new at this, try something basic, such as, "the sky is blue." Then duck, because the eye-daggers they are hurling at you could prove fatal. As you get better at this tactic, you may want to get a little more creative. Try a comment concerning their clothes (especially winter coats and shoes), the state of their hair, or concern about the amount of sleep they are getting. Remember -- your only purpose in expressing interest in their lives is to drive them crazy -- right?

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If all else fails, go for broke -- use Affectionate Physical Contact (APC). This is also known as a "hug." Sneak up on them when they are entranced by a Hot- Pocket rotating in the microwave, or a trailer for a vampire movie, and put your loving arms around them. Feel them squirm in agony! They will try to get away, but don't let them: you only have a few chances for this kind of thing. Make the most of it while you can.


Photo credit: taliesin from morguefile.com