How to Manage Your Toddler/Preschooler with Choices

Parenting books and psychologists essentially tell us that until a child reaches the age of 4 or even 5, they are not cognitively able to reason; so attempting to reason with them is pointless. If you are losing your cool frequently with your kids under 4, try and remember this on a daily basis. They are not trying to be disobedient, it's just their job. Yelling and being punitive has been proven to be counterproductive, at this young age. Using fear to get your child to obey will create an environment that will backfire when they are older. Try using these phrases to empower your child, and accomplish what you need as simultaneously:

"You have a choice".
"You decide".
" Pick one".
"It's up to you".

It's a bit difficult at first to not control your emotional reactions. And if you come from a family of origin that used authoritative discipline - it's especially hard not to revert to these tactics - after all, it's what WE learned. But let me ask you - did "shame" make you feel good about yourself? Have you struggled with your own self-esteem throughout life? Here's your chance to break the cycle. One famous psychologist claimed that we learn everything we need to know about life in the first four years. That puts a lot of pressure on us as parents. I don't know about you, but I want to do everything in my power to do it right. No one said it would be easy, but this is one area that we can help. Once you've begun to see the positive effects, it will become easier for you to follow through. And, the more consistent you are, the more the child will come to expect that they have to make the right choice.

1. Your 3-year-old is playing outside. It's time to come in for dinner. You've given her the two minute warning, but when the two minutes is up, she refuses to come in. She's stomping her feet and whining "I don't WANNA go". Tell her, "I know you're disappointed, but it's time to come in. You have a choice, you can walk by yourself, or I'll carry you in". (you have given her two choices, but both accomplish what you need).

2. Your 2-year old is throwing a fit because he wants a toy that the older child has. Bring two other toys to him. Give him the choice. Say, "Your brother is playing with something that is special to him now, and you may play with it later. Which one of THESE would you like to play with"? He will forget about the other toy, at this age.

3. Your 3-year-old is adamant that she does not want to eat her dinner, because she wants "something else", usually involving sugar or unhealthy snacks. She has a piece of chicken, some peas, and sweet potatoes on her plate. You tell her, "I'm sorry, we are out of macaroni and cheese tonight. The choices for dinner are sweet potatoes, peas, chicken, or applesauce. You can choose to eat any of those, or you can just sit here with us for 10 minutes. You decide".

4. Your 4-year old is getting up out of bed repeatedly. It is way past his bedtime and you are afraid he will be overtired for preschool tomorrow. You tell him, "hmmm, I can see you're having trouble going to sleep. Your friend is supposed to come over tomorrow for a playdate after school, but if we are too tired from not getting sleep we will have to tell him he can't come. Would you like to go to sleep now, or stay up and then miss your playdate? It's up to you. " You can also use "I'll have to put away your [insert favorite toy] until you are rested enough to play with it. What's your decision?"

5. Your 2-1/2 year old is screaming because she doesn't want to get ready for bed. You ask her, "Would you like Mama to read to put your pajamas on or Daddy"? If one parent isn't available - here's another example using distraction: "Would you like to take your bath first or read a book"? Both are ways to begin the bedtime process while diffusing the tantrum.

As you can probably see from the scenarios above, the possibilities are endless. You can use these tactics to get the kids into their car seats, to obey small orders, to get to bed on time, or to prevent a tantrum in the grocery store. The most important thing is to FOLLOW THROUGH with your consequences. If you give them a choice of carrying them into the house if they don't walk in by themselves, you'd better be prepared to carry them in- even if they're kicking and screaming. This might happen the first time. But the good news is, you probably will only have to do it once. Once they realize they are in control of the choices, they will often decide to comply. Children naturally want to please their parents, even when they are testing boundaries.

There are always exceptions, and exceptional children. But these are methods that are tried and true, and healthy, too. Do your best and your children will give you their best. And that's ALWAYS good enough.