How To Be a Survivor

I have a university education in social work and have worked with some very hard done by families living on low incomes, barely able to feed their children. Or perhaps they were immigrants coming from horrific living conditions, seeking a better life in Canada. I've worked with folks who have experienced the most horrible life circumstances, that I wondered how they were able to even carry on. I've worked with all sorts of folks who've been badly hurt, one way or another. I've worked with First nations families with a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, with little supports, who came clean and rose up out of dire straights.

I myself have been subject to early childhood sexual trauma, I have been raped, I have lived as a single parent on welfare, I have suffered through numerous losses emotionally and financially. I don't call myself a victim, but a survivor.

And the folks I worked with who stood out to me were also survivors. They did not view themselves as being victims; they did not present to the world as if they were wearing the above name tag. They worked on taking personal responsibility for their own actions that contributed to the totality of the situation. They did not complain, nor blame, nor try to gain allies to support their victim stance. And I applaud them for that- because without first taking personal responsibility for one's own part in the situation, it's not possible to heal.

We need to teach our children resilience vs how to project blame outwards and subscribe to the victim mentality. Unfortunately, the victim mentality is recognized and played on by folks, of any age, that one may describe as 'bullies'.

Without the victim mentality, there's no perception for the perpetrator to play on, so it is imperative to assist children with rising above 'victim status'. All bubbles eventually pop; being let down is a fact of life. Brooding over popped bubbles does children no good. On this note, it's imperative for parents to rise above the victim mentality also, because children learn by example.

Bullied children often have parents who believe they have been victimized by the world somehow. These parents believe that something 'out there' is responsible for popping their bubbles; there is a non-acceptance of the variability and flux that life generates. Children need, not necessarily to be taught to fight back, but to find the strength and resourcefulness to walk away, and to clearly describe the situation to someone who can help contextualize what's happening without placing the child in an 'us vs them' situation.

Doing so removes all personal responsibility from both the victim and the perpetrator by forcing them into these roles with no options for working together to transcend the issue. Both parties need to rise above the entire paradigm, and as adults, hopefully with greater knowledge and experience with interpersonal relations, we can help children do this.

One way to do this is to teach children about the various perceptions that are held by people in the world. One can even have empathy for the bullies when one realizes that being a so-called bully is a symptom of insecurity and low self-esteem, not strength. Bullies act out in order to feel bigger, so we must teach our children not to feel 'smaller' in their presence (by buying into the victim mentality), thus, removing the attraction of the seemingly weaker child from the bully's awareness.