How to Not Be Jealous

Understand the problem - before you attempt to do anything about your jealous behavior, you must first internalize and understand the fact that jealousy serves absolutely no useful purpose in a relationship. In fact, jealousy is more likely to drive your partner to the behaviors that you fear (cheating, ignoring you, or leaving) than to protect you from your fears.

First, human nature dictates that we always want what we can't have. As a result, jealous behavior serves only to create additional emotional incentives to participate in bad behavior. Second, jealousy-induced fights serve to drive a wedge between partners and decrease intimacy. Finally, logically speaking, your jealous behavior cannot possibly impact your partner's behavior. Either they are not doing what you fear that they are (in which case, your behavior is irrational). Or, they are doing what you fear, and they behavior will likely continue, but, more covertly.

Face your fears - this is one of the hardest steps in the process. Before we can move past our fears, we must first take them from the emotional (subconscious) and face them rationally. The most common jealousy-inducing fear is the one in which a partner or spouse may be cheating. However, the best way to deal with this feeling is logically, not emotionally. Ask yourself "Has my partner done anything specific that leads me to believe that they might be cheating?", "Has their behavior objectively changed?", "What information would lead me to believe that they might be cheating?" If it is objectively likely that your partner is cheating, then, by all means take rational steps to find out the truth. But, if you have no reason to suspect that your partner is cheating, don't create problems where none exist. Regardless of whether your fears are well-founded or not, jealous behavior will *always* make the situation worse. In any relationship, the truth is almost always right in front of us, if we are willing to look.

Ladies, if you want to know if your partner is cheating, check out this article: Is Your Husband Cheating

Communicate your fears openly - if you are really feeling jealous all the time and you are in a long-term relationship that you want to work, don't be afraid to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Ironically, the best time to do this is when you are relaxed and not feeling jealous at all. Focus on the fears that are driving your jealousy without accusing your partner of anything. There is no guarantee that this will work, but, in the majority of relationships, this approach will improve the situation.

Build confidence and trust, one step at a time - jealousy is the result of two factors: a lack of control and fear. Once you have talked openly with your partner and they understand your concerns, they will probably be willing to take small steps to make you feel better. For example, just knowing where your partner will be and that they will have their mobile turned on will take away most of your fear (and thus jealousy). Discussing and agreeing on boundaries and acceptable behavior can also help. Once your partner steps up to help you feel more confident about the situation, do your best to give them more space. The more you work together, the better you will both feel about the situation.

Live and let live - never forget that you fell in love with your partner because of who they are. Possessiveness and jealousy are part of a vicious cycle that destroys individuality in the short-term and inevitably leads to rebellion in the long-term. Instead of trying to control your partner, help them to grow and become even more the person that you fell in love with. The less jealous you become, the more you will be able to focus on the truth of your relationship and build a future based on love and trust.