How not to abuse your children
I wanted to sit down and put down my thoughts on punishing children. Here's what I came up with:
"Spare the rod and spoil the child." How many times have we heard that phrase as a justification for striking children or harsh punishments? How many times have sat in wonder as we watch parents who are blissfully ignorant of their little hellions running amok? Which is the correct way to keep your children safe and in-step with the expectations of both society and your family?
Neither, as it turns out.
Your child needs structure and guidance. Any child psychologist of note today will tell you that. The problem is that most people don't know how to accomplish this without physical or mental punishment, or their egos get in the way and they stop dealing with an issue logically because they're so angry. While every child is different, every parent is different and every situation is different, what you need are rules to keep in mind as you decide how to deal with situations requiring correction. Just keep in mind that the actions, not the child, that really need correcting. In time, both your child's behavior and your relationship will improve.
[photo by AmatureCapture]
"Spare the rod and spoil the child." How many times have we heard that phrase as a justification for striking children or harsh punishments? How many times have sat in wonder as we watch parents who are blissfully ignorant of their little hellions running amok? Which is the correct way to keep your children safe and in-step with the expectations of both society and your family?
Neither, as it turns out.
Your child needs structure and guidance. Any child psychologist of note today will tell you that. The problem is that most people don't know how to accomplish this without physical or mental punishment, or their egos get in the way and they stop dealing with an issue logically because they're so angry. While every child is different, every parent is different and every situation is different, what you need are rules to keep in mind as you decide how to deal with situations requiring correction. Just keep in mind that the actions, not the child, that really need correcting. In time, both your child's behavior and your relationship will improve.
[photo by AmatureCapture]
Rule #1: Start early
Children need guidance right away
These Rules are goals to strive for and may not have immediate results if you've conditioned your child to respond to violence or other punishments. You and she need to change before this will work. The earlier you start, the more time you'll have to get into the groove of things and see how it works. You'll also have more time to research other effective ways to change your child's behavior. A child of two will respond to changes in your responses quicker than a child of six who has only known one way.
As mentioned, once a child learns one way of punishment, they're conditioned to respond in a certain way. When incorrect methods are used, incorrect responses result. This creates a dynamic that is hard to break. If you look at what's going on now and see something that is not acceptable behavior, such as physical or verbal abuse, stop it immediately! If not, just keep working at it and things will start to improve.
As mentioned, once a child learns one way of punishment, they're conditioned to respond in a certain way. When incorrect methods are used, incorrect responses result. This creates a dynamic that is hard to break. If you look at what's going on now and see something that is not acceptable behavior, such as physical or verbal abuse, stop it immediately! If not, just keep working at it and things will start to improve.
Rule #2: Avoid scare tactics
Don't scare your children
When people run out of civilized ways to deal with a situation, they resort to violence. Violent acts do not have to involve actual contact. Words and actions can scare a child as much or more than being struck. Sure, you'll immediately end the actions that provoked you if you react that way but you'll have some unintended consequences:- Your child will learn that violence IS the way to solve conflicts
- Your child will follow you out of fear and not out of love, causing them to only follow your rules only if they believe they may get caught otherwise
- The fearful part of your child will start growing and reacting - causing them to choose actions that will be just as bad, if not worse than, what you're currently dealing with
- You'll feel guilty for how you've acted and start making decisions regarding your child that aren't in line with reality. The last thing you want to do is punish your child for something they did and then take them out for ice cream because you feel guilty for how you reacted. It sends mixed messages and is counterproductive.
[photo from COE.int]
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Rule #3: Make sure your child understands
Use child psychology at their level
Children need not only to understand what they did wrong but why it was wrong and what they should have done right. This also needs to be conveyed to them in a way that they will grasp. This allows the child to grow and not just stop the immediate behavior that is in front of you. This is also the part where otherwise-great parents come up short, either because the parents can't speak on the child's level or they don't consider that this could be a learning opportunity for the child.Let's take the example of a child who is yelling in the house while you're on the phone with your boss. What most parents will do is put their hand over the phone and yell at the child. When that doesn't work, they may strike the child to make him or her conform. This may get them to stop yelling but it only because they're now crying. It puts the whole house in a bad mood. What they may end up learning, if anything, is that it they should be scared every time you are on the phone.
Every child is different, and the correct situation at the time will depend on what dynamic you've developed already but there's another solution to consider. Stand the child in time-out for a few moments until you can either finish your conversation or ask if you can call them back. If your child doesn't listen, you'll have to pick them up and stand or sit them there. You are most likely much larger than they are and can make them stand their without having to result to striking them or being violent. Do not allow them to leave the time-out area. When you're done with your phone call, go to the child and ask them why they were put in time-out. Most likely they will give you an answer like, "Because I was yelling." You must correct this. There are situations where yelling is appropriate for children like when they are on the playground, so yelling is not the issue. Explain to your child using words and concepts that they understand that you put them in time-out because you saw a situation that needed to be corrected. Tell them that you were on the phone and could not talk with your boss due to the noise and it was very rude of them to yell while that conversation was going on. Being rude is not acceptable behavior and it had to be stopped. Then tell them to stay in time-out for a while longer to think about why they are there (it should only take 2-3 minutes) and then ask them again.
As long as they give you an answer that tells you that they truly understand the intent of your punishment, then it's over. If not, explain it in simpler terms and try again with a short amount of time. It is not productive to keep children in time-out for extended periods. Doing so only feeds your control issues and is dictated by your ego, not your love for the child!
Rule #4: Don't take it personally
Control your temper
You are the adult. You must keep your reactions under control to accomplish what you intend but don't expect your child to do the same. When a child decides to do something against your wishes, most likely it isn't because they are trying to personally attack you. They just have an idea of how they think things should go that conflicts with yours. Children will certainly react 'childishly' and attack you on occasion, especially if your responses aren't always mature. Just make sure you don't return the favor. Taking things personally will only raise your adrenaline and your blood pressure and cause you to make the wrong choices or escalate your response out of proportion. If you have a problem with your temper, find some way to separate your response to a behavior such as an intermediate change of behavior ("Please sit down on the couch, I need to speak with you in a few minutes") or simply counting to ten before you decide what action to take. Punishments should never be given in anger.[photo by -archangel-]
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Rule #5: Make sure your response is proportional to the behavior
Be fair with your punishments
This doesn't just mean to make sure the punishment fits the crime. Make sure that you don't come down hard one day and then punish something even more egregious with a gentle comment. This will confuse your child.It is difficult to put a measurement for comparison on a child's behavior but make sure your child understands that deviating further from what is right will have worse consequences.
Also remember that after you've tried to correct a situation appropriately and they haven't responded, the punishment should increase or change. This does not mean that every infraction requires punishment, however. A firm and caring reminder that they are not acting appropriately should be tried first. If that does not work then make sure that they also understand that they did not heed your warning. Depending on how you worded your warning, a separate response may be necessary if it appears that they are deliberately disobeying. Try not to lump several infractions into one big punishment.
Rule #6: Be clear and consistent the first time and every time
Be consistent and fair with children's rules
This is one of the most important things to consider and where many parents fail. Don't get into a habit of telling your child ten times that it's time for bed and then screaming at them the eleventh as you smack their behind on the way to the bedroom. If they don't go after you've told them the first time, it is important that you respond immediately. If they fail to respond after that, remember Rule #5 and increase or change the punishment.At some point they will feel that the punishment outweighs what they are gaining and will give in. Make sure it isn't you that is giving in and letting them do what they want after you've told them.
Always follow through with a punishment that you threaten. Being consistent with your boundaries will cement them in their mind and they will test them less often. If they see you occasionally give in and let them play a little longer after you've told them to go to bed, you're in for a rough ride. Just keep in mind that as you increase the punishment, you must ensure it is still proportional to the behavior.
If you've put your child in time-out, make sure they understand what that means. Children will try to push the rules as much as they can to see what they can get away with. It's how they know where their boundaries are. Explain exactly what they can and cannot do while in time-out and stick to it every time. If they deviate from those rules then deal with that infraction as a separate item. Just make sure you deal with it AFTER you've cleared up what started it all. Deviating from time-out rules is a separate issue from what put them there in the first place.
Rule #7: Monitor your behavior
Watch your behavior
Go back over every interaction with your child, thinking about the things done and said both during and after they've acted in a way that you would like to change. Take a look at how you reacted. Did you ignore the behavior and justify your lack of response somehow? Did you overreact and send them off crying? Did things go well and result in just a blip in your day instead of a lot of drama after they misbehaved? After you've had some time to remove yourself from the situation, you can think better about what happened or should have happened. You'll think more clearly and won't let your ego get in your way - as much. If you have another adult present, get their feedback of what they thought. You don't have to conform to their ideas if you don't agree with them, just keep their opinion in mind as a sanity check.[photo by poopoorama
Rule #8: Find out what your child thinks
Does your child think you're fair?
Find some time occasionally to sit down with your child and see what they think about the rules and punishments you have. If you can't remember all the things that have required punishments since the last time you had a talk with your child, perhaps you're not speaking often enough with them.Make sure you have your talks when things are calm and you are not angry at anyone or anything. The last thing you want to do is turn this time into a gripe session. It's not about correcting your child with this talk. It's about correcting your responses and your rules.
Ask him about the punishments they receive. Are they fair to him? If not, then why? Decide together what the rules for time-out should be. Give them hypothetical situations and ask them what the appropriate punishment should be. You may have to keep from using your child as the example if you aren't getting anywhere with your talk. If the two of you work together, you'll find that they'll be more responsive the next time you use that punishment.
Systems and Development: The Minnesota Symposia on Child Psychology, Volume 22
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Rule #9: Present a united front
Parents should work together
If you have another person in your household who is involved with punishment, make sure that you are both in agreement with the rules. Also agree that you will not argue over what the correct response is if your child can hear the discussion. You should let it ride and speak about what to change later when you can speak in private. Make sure you don't undermine each other.In a perfect world, the two of you will respond the same way to every behavior. That would be nice, and it's a good model to attempt to achieve, but don't expect that will ever happen. In time you will probably see that your responses start to align, especially if one of you is starting to have success. Just build on that. Have regular talks about rules and punishments with each other just like you do with your child, and monitor each other's behavior.
Rule #10: Be fair
There would certainly be less drama in the world if all our children behaved the way we would like them to. Unfortunately this will never happen. Children will be children and children make decisions differently than adults do. This is part of the mature response that you must consider. If your child speaks out of turn, don't take away their birthday. How would you feel if your boss treated you like you are treating your child by punishing your infractions with threats of dismissal or demotion? Obviously this is not a perfect comparison but there are obvious conclusions that you can draw by putting yourself in your child's shoes.In the same vein, if you have more than one child, make sure that you don't favor one over the others or treat one worse than the rest. Different ages will require different responses, however. When you have your talks with your children, be sure to bring up these differences, especially if they are feeling like they are being treated unfairly. They may not agree with your answers but at least they've had a chance to air their feelings with you. You should have talks with them as a group and on an individual basis so everything is covered and they don't feel like you tell them something different than you tell the others.
[photo by idiomsbykids.com
Rule #11: Make your decisions out of love
Love is the way!
This rule should guide how you follow the other ten and everything you do. If you want to know if you're on the right track, see if what you are doing is out of love or something else. The answer that what you are doing is "best for my child" will not always mean that it is done out of love.Many parents beat their children mercilessly using this mantra as their excuse. Do the feelings that create your actions come out of love or out of retribution for breaking the rules? Only you can decide that. How your children improve and how they react to you will be a good measure of the love you are expressing in your actions.
[photo by Amgad Gamal El Din]
Conclusion
Children need consistent guidance and boundaries. By thinking through your responses, observing your own behavior and eliciting the opinions of others, you can improve both the behavior of your child and the relationship between you both. Following these ten rules will get you started on your path to calm and satisfaction. In time, you'll be amazed at how little drama your life has compared to what it used to have.
Just let fairness and love be your guide.
To see this article in its original form, visit my site on having a fulfilling life - Realizing.Me.
Just let fairness and love be your guide.
To see this article in its original form, visit my site on having a fulfilling life - Realizing.Me.
Some very important links
Please add more links in the comments below
- Tennyson Center for Children - Childabuse.org
- Tennyson Center works with children, youth, and their families to overcome a variety of life crises, including abuse and neglect.
Tennyson Center is a community of people dedicated to serving children and youth and strengthening families. As professionals and concerned citizens we strive to provide competent and caring treatment, education, and advocacy services that are community-based, family-focused, and child-centered.
The agency provides services to children and families regardless of religion, creed, age, race, color, gender, national origin, sexual orientation, disability status, or military status. - Prevent Child Abuse America
- Since 1972, Prevent Child Abuse America has led the way in building awareness, providing education and inspiring hope to everyone involved in the effort to prevent the abuse and neglect of our nation's children. Working with our chapters, we provide leadership to promote and implement prevention efforts at both the national and local levels. With the help of our state chapters and concerned individuals like you we're valuing children, strengthening families and engaging communities nationwide.
- Child Abuse Prevention Network
- The child abuse prevention network provides resources for professionals, in child abuse, neglect, maltreatment, sex abuse, child sexual abuse, and family and community violence. The Nerve Center for Child Abuse Prevention.
- Why Do We Hurt Our Children? - The Natural Child Project
- Our vision is a world in which all children are treated with dignity, respect, understanding, and compassion. In such a world, every child can grow into adulthood with a generous capacity for love and trust. Our society has no more urgent task.
- Child Abuse: Statistics, Research, and Resources for Recovery
- Dr. Jim Hopper provides a wealth of information on statistics and healing.
- Surviving Child Abuse - Recovery & Research, Exposure & Disclosure (SCARRED)
- Surviving Child Abuse - Recovery & Research, Exposure & Disclosure (SCARRED). The Catharsis Foundation is a non-profit incorporated in Calgary Alberta in 2004 for survivors of ALL forms of child abuse - globally.
- Realizing.Me
- This is my site that deals with self-growth through meditation, science, goals and many other ways. To take care of your children, you need to take care of yourself and find out who you are supposed to be. These methods will also help to control unruly children if they are approached with the child's interests in mind from his or her point of view. I suggest giving it a try. Go to Realizing.Me and see how to finally get some control over your life.
Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect (8th Edition)
Amazon Price: $78.00 (as of 12/27/2009)
Interviewing Children about Sexual Abuse: Controversies and Best Practice
Amazon Price: $30.08 (as of 12/27/2009)
Child Abuse and Culture: Working with Diverse Families
Amazon Price: $20.40 (as of 12/27/2009)
My poem about child abuse
Child abuse is hereditary as well as brought on by adults not being able to deal with society or being taught incorrect ways to deal with stress or situations. Many times it is due to the ego of the parent in addition to the lack of appropriate response language.
The judges at Writing.com's Under a Shadow Contest were nice enough to award it first place. I agree it's an important message but I think many of the other poems were much better written and should have won.
The judges at Writing.com's Under a Shadow Contest were nice enough to award it first place. I agree it's an important message but I think many of the other poems were much better written and should have won.
What Caused the Fear?
My poem about child abuse
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New Link List
- Childhelp.org
- Childhelp® exists to meet the physical, emotional, educational, and spiritual needs of abused, neglected and at-risk children. We focus our efforts on advocacy, prevention, treatment, and community outreach.
- Preventchildabuse.org
- Prevent Child Abuse America was established in 1972 to build a nationwide commitment to preventing all forms of child abuse.
- Realizing.Me
- My website about helping children, beginners, and those who wish to think with a beginners mind to improve their lives through introspection, learning and meditation.
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- Margo_Arrowsmith Margo_Arrowsmith Oct 23, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
- Well, welcome to Squidoo and I love this lens. Very impressive for someone so new and even not so new.
I also like what you have to say, not just how you say it. Hope to hear lots more from you ***** I am putting it in my Squidoo Library lens!
Your Child's Financial Future Starts Now
Good Enough Parenting I think our ideas about parenting have a lot in common!
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- Margo_Arrowsmith Margo_Arrowsmith Oct 23, 2008 @ 6:43 pm
- Well, welcome to Squidoo and I love this lens. Very impressive for someone so new and even not so new.
I also like what you have to say, not just how you say it. Hope to hear lots more from you ***** I am putting it in my Squidoo Library lens!
Your Child's Financial Future Starts Now
Good Enough Parenting I think our ideas about parenting have a lot in common!
by skelley1
I am a security advisor for the DoD and have gone to many countries over the years. I keep myself grounded during deployments through meditation and w... (more)
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