How to Write an Effective Dear John Letter

Nothing makes me an expert, nor do I call myself one, however there are four reasons that I provide this lens...

Life Experience

My experiences in life and relationships has taught me so much and I have learned valuable lessons from each positive and negative experience.

I Have the Gift of Putting Myself in Others Shoes

This is a gift I have always possessed, however I only recently realized it. I can listen to a person and know exactly what they are saying and feeling and can help them work to find a solution to a problem using empathy and reason.

I Love to Help People Improve their Lives

I love to help people with emotional stress. Using the gift above, I have always had friends come to me for advice on life and love and have a really high success rate.

I am a Student of Forensic Psychology

I am currently attending school and working toward my degree(s) in Forensic Psychology. I am driven to use my natural gifts to work with offenders in prisons, develop better rehabilitation programs and anything else I can contribute to better the life of the criminal

The Letter Cannot be About You

This is hard for some people, however for the letter to be effective, the letter must be about the recipient and only in a positive way. If you want to leave the relationship because the other person is lazy and unappreciative for example, don't state these negative reasons. Instead use words of appreciation for the good things they have been to you in the relationship. Praise them for the little things they did for you and the times they helped you through a situation.

Chances Are, if You are Unhappy in the Relationship, so are they

Even though the recipient may or may not show that they are unhappy as well, assume that they are to some degree. Some people deal with unhappiness in different ways. Express in your letter why it is good for THEM to leave the relationship and the benefits to them. Express that you want them to have the happiness they deserve and give them a reason to move on.

Be Fair

If the break-up requires either you or the recipient moving out of the home, express in the letter that you will be fair with belongings. You will not get anywhere trying to keep all of the belongings yourself as the break-up has to be as fair as possible to both parties. Be realistic about your expectations if you want them to move out and give them a period of time to save up and find their own place....and vice versa.

Express the Need for their Understanding

Be sure to state how important their understanding is to you and humbly ask for their understanding many times in the letter.

Most Importantly, Put Yourself in their Shoes

If you were receiving the letter, what would you think is fair and how would you want to read it. Although this is a letter not many people want to read, it is important you view if from their side as you write it.

This is an example letter I constructed for a friend in a long time relationship. The issue at hand was the fact that her boyfriend did not respect her child and needed to end the relationship for the child. Names have been changed for privacy

John,

I have been thinking a lot about my life and where I am with myself lately and recently I have been thinking a lot about my future and my future with Bettie. I have been thinking about Bettie's happiness and yours as well as you both are very important to me. You have been a rock for me these years and I cannot tell you how important that has been. You have been so supportive of me and I cannot express my thanks enough for everything you have done and the times you have put yourself out there for me.

As I think about my future I have made the decision that I need to focus on Bettie's well being and future and for once I am going to sacrifice things in my life to make a stable and happy life for Bettie. This has been something that has been eating at me for quite some time and it is time that I actually follow through with my decision. I really need to focus on Bettie and improving myself right now and I have made the unfortunate decision to do that on my own. Hurting you or putting you in a situation that makes you unhappy is the very last thing I want to do, however I absolutely need to. I am taking steps to improve myself mentally and I need to go this alone as much as possible. I hope that you understand why I have to do this.

I feel that our relationship is not making you the happiest you can be and you deserve the highest level of happiness which you can achieve with someone who is more matched to you on an emotional level. I don't hate you and you are certainly an excellent, loyal and loving person however it is not fair to you that I am not giving you the same level that you are giving and I don't think I will be able to return it until I fix myself.

I am not doing this to put you out, nor do I have any intention of being with someone else as that is the very last thing I need right now. I want to be as respectful, calm and fair as I can in this situation. I hope you can understand as this is very hard for me.

I do think it would be best if you could secure another place to live before Christmas as that is going to be a starting point of this new way of life for Bettie and me as we move on to become stronger together as mother and daughter. I will be fair to you with belongings as I know you have worked hard for your things. I am secure financially to pay the rent in January so that you can keep your December paychecks to move on.

I hope so much for your understanding and your friendship through this. My decision is final as I have been battling the best solution for a long time. I don't want to fight or argue and I want this to happen as quickly and as civilly as possible.

Jane

Although the giver of the letter had many issues with her boyfriend, notice how none of these negative issues had mention. This letter was highly effective in a fair and clean break-up