How to Be Antisocial

Your first baby step is to cancel your home phone. They are outdated anyway and will save you some serious cash that you can use later to buy property and a shack in the woods. Use your cell phone number only. Always let it go to voicemail.

Next, stop using your cell phone. Again, bank your cash. It shouldn't be painful, it's not like you have anyone you want to call. Switch to an online option like Google Voice or Skype. They'll do free voicemail, and having it online makes it easier to delete messages without listening to them.

When someone carries a clipboard, people around them think they are official and know what they are doing. They will avoid talking to you to keep from interrupting your work. Or even worse, they are afraid you will ask them to take a survey. No matter what their perception of you is, they are not going to engage you in conversation.

Never ever look someone in the eye. Always look about 10 ft ahead of you while walking, or at your shoes when standing still. If you have to look up to gauge your position, always look above or through the people around you. This method will keep you from having to respond to a "Hi", "Howdy" or *shudder* a smile. If you do have to respond to someone verbally, try to get by on just a grunt.

There are several good methods you could employ to make your clothes put out the "leave me alone" vibe. You could wear offensive t-shirts, but you might have a concerned citizen tell you what they think about your choice of clothing. You could go the opposite direction and dress in a suit and tie. This is especially effective if you use a bicycle as your mode of transportation. People will assume you are a Mormon on a mission and will try to avoid you at all costs. If neither of these methods seem like they'd work for you, go for the anti-social standby - a black hoodie. Pull the hood down over your face as much as possible. Sunglasses are optional, especially since you've mastered Step 3.

Start by spacing out your showers. If you still have problems or want to go hardcore, stop with the deodorant. However, don't start neglecting your teeth. If you do, you'll eventually have to go to a dentist. They are sure to talk to you while your mouth is pried open.