How To Save Your Relationship

When a relationship is in trouble, most people unknowingly do things which inflame the situation, and thereby cause separations, break-ups and divorces which simply should not happen. We have lost the art of keeping relationships together - or perhaps we just need to be more conscious about it in these interconnected, fast-moving modern times.

One thing my degree in Psychology taught me was that 90% of what happens in relationships is at a subconscious level - which means that it is totally invisible to the average person. If you get your hands on these little-known facts, you will be able to save your relationship, no matter what curve balls your partner may throw your way.

If you are in the middle of a separation or break-up, I am particularly speaking to you. Nine times out of ten, it doesn't need to end. Your partner probably still oves you, deep down - and there are simple ways to guage that. No matter what horrible things have passed between the two of you, there are clear and straightforward ways that you can wash the negativity away, and restore your relationship.

You see, one of the major mistakes people make when their partner says "That's it! It's over!" is to start acting as though the relationship is actually over. Big mistake. Obviously, you have to respect what your partner says in terms of moving out, giving back keys or whatever, but there is no reason to treat the situation as permanent. Consider it as part of a necessary process to clear some long-standing issues out of the way.

The reason that taking your partner "at their word" is such a mistake - apart from the fact that they almost never really want to break up - is the impact on your functioning when you start to believe the relationship is over. You feel stabbed, almost literally. Your adrenaline level goes through the roof, which makes you feel sick, and interferes with your sleep. Stress reactions and lack of sleep make it much harder to keep a clear head and handle the situation well. The feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, and sadness will well up and mess with your communication skills, just at the time when you need them the most.

The second mistake people make, once they have unleashed the horrible abandonment emotions, is to talk to their partner. Needless to say, when you are feeling hurt and betrayed, you won't be putting forward your best face!

Before you know it, you will have made a brief emotional drama into a permanent separation - and you won't even be quite sure how it happened.

There are little-known facts about human psychology which mean that this "break-up" doesn't need to be a break up at all. You can simply follow a basic process to clear up the misunderstandings and negative emotions. This will allow the underlying love to return to the surface, and before long, your partner will be talking about "trying again".

Saving your relationship is a relatively straightforward process, once you understand a few little-known facts about how your partner's mind works. No matter how dire it seems, armed with the right knowledge, you can save your relationship - and as a bonus, have a better-quality relationship in the future.



Jenny Bennett B.A. (Hons) Psychology

Making Up at EasyToBeRomantic.com

Women often can't understand why men break up with them - or worse, why men hang around at a casual level of relationship, while resisting any conversation about getting more serious.

If you have an ex boyfriend who is coming by for the occasional shag, but can't be pinned down to talk about the issues that led to the break-up, this section is a must-read for you.

You see, there's only one reason why guys hang around, and particularly hang around being physically and sexually intimate.

He's still attracted to you!

This is a good sign, if a bit frustrating.

The problem women have is the nobody ever explains how men think about relationships, and which things freak him out, or at least make him uncomfortable - some of them are the very things that may delight you!

So, if you are to get your boyfriend back (or land that cute-looking new guy for that matter), you have to make absolutely sure you are not accidentally killing your chances.

Don't Look Needy Or Insecure

If you ask a group of women about signs of insecurity and neediness, they are likely to come up with a list which includes things like asking for compliments, calling all the time, never wanting to be apart, getting possessive, and so on.

In other words, a group of women will completely miss the signs that stand out most to men - those actions which make them nervous, and scream "back away!"

Sadly, even very confident women often accidentally give off one of these signs, and just one can kill the chance of a man taking you seriously as a future partner. It's just that these things don't seem like a big deal to women.

Don't Do These Things!

1. Don't say nasty things about your past boyfriends. It makes a man worry you are carrying around "baggage" that HE will have to deal with should he become seriously involved with you again. (It also makes him secretly dread that behind his back you might be as harsh and judgemental about some of his imperfections.)

2. Don't speak negatively about other women. When women call other women names like "slut", "bitch", and "crazy", and believe me, that is not a good look to a man - often it can kill attraction stone dead.

Women will often do this when they see a good looking, desirable woman, especially if they feel their ex might be attracted to her. This makes a man think you are trying to cover up your own insecurities, and looking for validation and attention. Not good.

It also tells him that you don't trust him, and if he gets involved with you again then for the rest of his life he will have to pretend not to notice any attractive women at all, or face an unpleasant scene from you.

Remember, he knows that when you are trying to get back together with him you are on your "best behavior", and he is trying to pick up clues about what your "worst behavior" is going to be like!

3. Don't push for too much physical contact, especially in public.

This one is really difficult to understand, especially if you naturally express love with touches, kisses and hugs.

Many men find this level of physical contact oppressive.

If you are constantly hanging on a man or touching him too much he'll start to see it as clingy behavior... but he will never tell you that. It won't stop him from caring about you, wanting to see you, or having sex with you, but he will rule you out as a serious relationship prospect.

The exception here is the small percentage of men who also use physical touch as their main expression of love. Unless you are very sure your man is one of those, be careful about displays of physical affection, especially in public.

Even if your ex falls into that category, during the "getting back together" phase it's very wise to keep the physical touch to a minimum - make him come to you.

4. Don't have sex with your ex. If you are having sex while broken up, it sends all the wrong messages to him. He can keep all the benefits of being in a relationship, while dodging anything he finds uncomfortable or challenging. You are basically telling him you are desperate and will do anything to be close to him.

Keep your dignity. Contrary to what most women believe, sleeping with him while you are broken up will not make him feel emotionally closer to you, nor will it make him think of you as a long-term partner.

Show him by your actions that you don't need anything from him. You may want certain things, but he's not offering those anyway.

If you just master the art of being friendly and caring without making any of these mistakes, you will already be half-way to winning your ex-boyfriend's heart.

Find the other pieces of the puzzle - the little-known secrets of male psychology that will allow you to slowly but surely draw him toward you, make yourself appear irresistible in his eyes, and finally have him begging you for a second chance.

Get the secrets to magnetising your man!

Image: seanmcgrath

Get your girlfriend back - even after she has left you. Most men are unaware of vital relationship facts about the way the human brain works, and as a result, they make mistakes at pivotal moments, and lose relationships that simply did not have to end. Knowing just a few little-known facts can completely turn around an apparently hopeless situation.

Making up after a fight is one of the most crucial relationship skills you can have. And when I say making up after a fight, I mean after anything from a small tiff to the situation where your partner has thrown your belongings out the window and locked the door - you really can restore that "just fallen in love" feeling.

Ninety percent of what happens in relationships is at a subconscious level - which means that it is totally invisible to the average person. If you get your hands on these little-known facts, you will be in control in your relationship, no matter what curve balls your partner may throw your way.

Take control - find out how to get your ex back!

You see, one of the major mistakes people make when their partner says "That's it! It's over!" is to start acting as though the relationship is actually over. Big mistake. Obviously, you have to respect what your partner says in terms of giving back keys or whatever, but there is no reason to treat the situation as permanent.

The reason that taking your partner "at their word" is such a mistake - apart from the fact that they almost never really want to break up - is the impact on your functioning when you start to believe the relationship is over. You feel stabbed, almost literally. Your adrenaline level goes through the roof, which makes you feel sick, and interferes with your sleep. Stress reactions and lack of sleep make it much harder to keep a clear head and handle the situation well.

If you start thinking your partner is gone for good, the feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, and sadness will well up and mess with your communication skills, just at the time when you need them the most.

What you need to do is keep a level head. Put all that horrible-feeling stuff aside. Chances are, this separation is a totally temporary situation, and there is no need to get worked up about it at all. You may need to let your girlfriend think you are no longer lovers for a period of time, but if you play your cards right, she will be back in your arms soon enough.

Find out how to play your cards right - and get your ex back!

There are little-known facts about human psychology which mean that this "break-up" doesn't need to be a break up at all. Assuming your partner still loves you on some level - and there are easy ways to gauge that - you can simply follow a basic process to clear up the misunderstandings and negative emotions. This will allow her underlying love for you to return to the surface, and before long, your girlfriend will be talking about "trying again".

Just don't indulge in the desire to say "I knew you didn't mean it!" That would be another mistake! Stay cool, act as though it was the last thing on your mind, take your time considering it, and don't agree too quickly.

A fight is a testing ground for your relationship skills, and your commitment. Making up after a fight is a relatively straightforward process, once you understand a few little-known facts about how your partner's mind works. No matter how dire it seems, armed with the right knowledge, you can get your lover back.

Find out how to get your girlfriend back!

Images: pedrosimoes7

Jenny Bennett holds an Honours degree in Psychology, and is a former Lecturer in Psychology at the University of Sydney.

She is a staff writer for EasyToBeRomantic.com, and has written numerous articles on relationships, marriage, and family dynamics.

Discover how to make up after a fight

and how to get your girlfriend back.