Humor Series: Church Life

The new priest was trying to institute some liturgical reform in
his very old-fashioned parish by teaching his parishioners the
new responses.

He said to them, "When I say, 'The Lord be
with you,' you will reply all together, 'And with you also.'

Then I will say, 'Let us pray.'"

The day came for the introduction of the new liturgy.
Something happened to the microphone, and the priest, trying
to adjust it, said in a loud voice, "There is something wrong
with this microphone."

The congregation responded with one loud voice, "And
with you also!"

-King Duncan

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"ls it a sin to have sexual relations before receiving Communion?"
the young woman asked her pastor.

"Only if you block the aisle," he replied.

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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any
longer. In the confessional he admitted that for
years he had been stealing building supplies from
the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his parish priest asked.

"Enough to build my own home and enough for my son's
house. And houses for our two daughters. And our cottage at
the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think
of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get
the plans, I can get the lumber."

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The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with
glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head
when the platter was passed to him.

Father Kelly scolded playfully, "When are you going to forget
that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"

Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied, "At your
wedding reception, Father Kelly."

It seems the previous pastor was a paragon of virtue. He lived
up to all the people's expectations and was willing to live on a
very low salary, to boot. And he loved to work around the
manse and keep both house and grounds in repair.

But the new pastor wasn't that type. He hired someone to
do a lot of these chores, including the mowing of the manse
and church lawns. Naturally, this cost more money.

This change of pattern was of concern to some of the
elders of the church. One day one of them approached the
new pastor and tried to bring up the matter tactfully. He said
to the new pastor, "You know, our previous pastor mowed the
lawn himself. Have you considered this approach?"

The new pastor responded, "Yes, I'm aware of this. And I
asked him. But he doesn't want to do it anymore."

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Every day, people are straying away from the church and going
back to God. -Lenny Bruce

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One sunny Sunday morning, Henry Jones awoke to find his
wife standing over him, shaking him by the shoulder.

"You have to get up," she urged. "We have to get ready for
church."

"I don't want to go to church," he replied. "I want to stay
in bed."

Crossing her arms over her chest, his wife demanded, "Give
me three good reasons why you should stay in bed and not go
to church."

"OK," he answered. "First, I don't get anything out of the
service. Second, I don't like the people there. And third, no
one there likes me. Now can you give me three good reasons
why I should go to church?"

His wife responded, "First, it will do you some good.
Second, there are people who really do like you, and they'll
miss you if you aren't there. And third, you're the minister!"

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During the hours before D-day, three chaplains-
Reverend Paul Peterson, Father Mike O'Connor,
and Rabbi Henry Birnbaum-sat together and
solemnly discussed the possibility that one or more of them
might be killed in the next few hours.

"It makes one feel the necessity of unburdening one's soul
and making confession," said Father Mike. "I must own up to a
terrible impulse to drink. Oh, I fight it, I do; but the temptation
haunts me constantly, and sometimes I give in to it."

"Well," said Reverend Paul, "I don't have too much trouble
with liquor, but I must own up to the terrible sexual urges I feel
toward attractive women. I fight this temptation desperately,
but every once in a while, I fail to resist."

After that, there was a pause. Finally both turned to the
Jewish chaplain and one said, "And you, Henry, are you troubled
with a besetting sin, too? What is your persistent temptation?"

Rabbi Birnbaum sighed and said, "I'm afraid I have a terrible,
irresistible impulse to gossip."

If a minister preaches over ten minutes, he's long-winded. If
his sermon is short, he didn't prepare it.

If his congregation's finances are in the black, he's too
materialistic. If they're in the red, he's too other-worldly.

If he mentions money, he's money-mad. If he doesn't mention
money, he's a lousy businessman.

If he visits his parishioners, he's nosy. If he doesn't, he's
being snobbish.

If he has fairs, bazaars, and pancake breakfasts, he's bleeding
the people. If he doesn't, there isn't any life in the parish.

If he takes time with his parishioners to help and advise,
he's meddling. If he doesn't, he doesn't care.

If he celebrates liturgy in a quiet voice, he's boring. If he
puts feelings into it, he's being histrionic.

If he starts the service on time, he's rushing the congregation.

If he starts late, he's holding up the people.

If he tries to lead the people in music, he's showing off. If
he doesn't, he doesn't care what the service is like.

If he decorates the church, he's wasting money. If he doesn't,
he's letting it run down.

If he's young, he's not experienced. If he's old, he ought to
retire.

B u t . . . if he dies . . . no one can ever replace him.

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The church choir director was frustrated with the
sporadic attendance of all the choir members for
rehearsals for the Christmas Concert. At the final
rehearsal he announced: "I want to personally thank the
pianist for being the only person in this entire church choir to
attend each and every rehearsal during the past two months."

At this, the pianist rose, bowed, and said, "It was the least I
could do, considering I won't be able to be at the Christmas
Concert tonight."

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Doing to church doesn't make anybody a Christian any more
than taking a wheelbarrow into a garage makes it an automobile.
-Billy Sunday

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Pastor Susanne Phelps had preached a vigorous and thoughtful
sermon, and several members of the congregation rushed
up to congratulate her. One longtime member gushed,
"Pastor, every sermon you preach is better than the next one!"

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The church is the only outfit I know that shoots its wounded.
-Chuck Swindoll

Neighbor: "Does your Sunday morning service usually start on
time?"

Deacon: "Yes, our service starts at eleven o'clock sharp and
ends at twelve o'clock dull."

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Minister (to his wife): "Well, Mrs. Lindy is moving away next
week. I'll be sorry to see her go."

Wife: "You'll be sorry to see her go? Why, she's been the worst
member of your congregation!"

Minister: "True-but she's given me the material for a lot of
great sermons!

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Bernard Petrie, a young minister, frequently boasted in public
that all the time he needed to prepare his Sunday morning sermon
was the few minutes it took him to walk to the church
from the parsonage next door.
Soon after, the elders bought him a new parsonage five
miles away.

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"Mummy," said little Lance, "why does the minister get a whole
month's vacation in the summer?"

"Well, son," answered his mother, "if he's a good minister,
he needs it. If he isn't, the congregation needs it!"

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Noted pastor Henry Ward Beecher said, "If anyone falls asleep
in church, I have given the ushers permission to wake up the
preacher!"

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When a church seeks a pastor, they want the strength of an
eagle, the grace of a swan, the gentleness of a dove, the friendliness
of a sparrow, the eye of a hawk, and the night hours of
an owl. And when they catch this rare bird, they expect him to
live on birdseed!

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Rabbi Mordecai Goodman sat in the synagogue all alone, tears
streaming down his cheeks. He had just learned that his only
son had deserted the ways of his ancestors and had become a
Protestant.

The rabbi was sobbing uncontrollably when suddenly he
heard the voice of God: "What is troubling you?"

"I'm so ashamed," cried the Rabbi. "My only son gave up
being a Jew and became a Christian!"

"Yours, too?" replied the Lord.

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Pastor Jenkins was well loved by his small town congregation,
but his salary was small. When a prosperous congregation in a
large city offered to double his salary, the locals could not possibly
match the generous financial offer.

"I suppose," a member of the flock worried to the pastor's
son, "your father will accept the call to that big city?"

"I really don't know," replied the boy. "Dad's on his knees
in the study at this very moment praying for guidance."

"And your ma?"

"She's upstairs packing."

As two priests traveled along a country road, the first complained
about the other's habit of constantly interrupting himself.

"Tell you what I'll do," said the first priest. "I'll wager you
my horse that you won't be able to recite the 'Our Father'
through to the end without stopping."

The other agreed to the bet and started the prayer. Halfway
through, he looked up and asked, "Do I get the saddle, too?"
-Bishop Fulton J. Sheen

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Following the Vatican's declaration that women cannot
become priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources
report that Colonel Sanders has declared that he will not
employ anyone who doesn't resemble a chicken. -Jane Curtin

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Mark Twain sat through a carefully crafted, dramatically delivered
sermon one Sunday morning. Even though he admired
the effort, there was something about this minister that had
always bothered him. The preacher seemed entirely too proud
of his talents. Twain decided to take him down a few pegs.
After the service, Twain walked over to the minister and
drawled, "Well, yes, it was a rip snorter, Reverend Wallace, but
you know, I have a book at home that has every word of it."

The preacher took the bait at once. "Quite impossible. I
would certainly like to see that book, if it exists."

"So you shall. I will mail it to you first thing in the morning."

Eventually, a bulky package arrived from Twain with an
enormous postage-due bill attached. The preacher paid the
charges and ripped open the wrappings.
Inside was an unabridged dictionary.

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In a rural community in Kansas, there was a year-long drought.
All the crops were dying. In desperation, Larry Gates, the pastor
of the Methodist church, the only church in town, announced
that the whole community would assemble at the edge of one of
the fields and pray for rain. A large crowd gathered, and Pastor
Gates climbed on a tractor and surveyed the flock.

He shouted, "Brothers and sisters! We have come here to
pray for rain!"

"Amen!" responded the crowd.

"Well," said the minister, "do you have sufficient faith?"

"Amen! Amen!" shouted the crowd.

"All right, all right," said the minister, "but I have one question
to ask you!"

The crowd stood silent, puzzled, expectant.

"Brothers and sisters!" shouted the minister, "Where are
your umbrellas?"

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Vicar: "I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you
were out playing football, instead."

Nigel: "That's not true, Vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"

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Then Jesus took his Disciples up the mountain and, gathering
them round him, he taught them, saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of
Heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they who mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is great in Heaven.
Try to remember what I'm telling you!
Then Simon Peter said, "Will this count on our final grade?"
And Andrew said, "Will there be a test on it?"
And James said, "By what date do we have to know it?"
And Philip said, "How many words?"
And Bartholomew said, "Will I have to stand up in front of
the others?"
And John said, "The other disciples didn't have to learn
this. Why do we have to learn it?"
And Matthew said, "What grade do we get if we learn it? Is
this a regular assignment or extra credit?"
And Judas said, "What is it worth? Will it help us to get a
better job in the real world?"
And the other disciples questioned him likewise.
Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see
Jesus' lesson plan and inquired of Jesus, "Good Master, what
are your terminal objectives in the cognitive domain?"
And Jesus wept.