Humor Series: Government and Military Jokes

• Feudalism. You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
  milk.
  
• Pure Democracy. You have two cows. Your neighbors decide
  who gets your milk.
  
• Representative Democracy. You have two cows. Your neighbors
  pick someone to decide who gets your milk.
  
• Pure Communism. You have two cows. Your neighbors help
  take care of them, and you all share the milk.
  
• Pure Socialism. You have two cows. The government takes
  them and puts them in a barn with everybody else's cows.
  You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives
  you as much milk as you need.
  
• Bureaucratic Socialism. You have two cows. The government
  takes them and puts them in a barn with everybody else's
  cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to
  take care of the chickens the government took from the
  chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk
  as the regulations say you should need.
  
• Fascism. You have two cows. The government takes both,
  hires you to care for them, and sells you the milk.
  
• Dictatorship. You have two cows. The government takes both
  and drafts you.
  
• Bureaucracy. You have two cows. At first, the government
  regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
  them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes
  both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down
  the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
  for the missing cows.
  
• Pure Anarchy. You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at
  a fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill
  you.
  
• Anarcho-Capitalism. You have two cows. You sell one and buy
  a bull.
  
• Surrealism. You have two giraffes. The government requires
  you to take harmonica lessons.
  

You may not agree with every department in the government,
but you really have to hand it to the IRS.

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We are finding it increasingly difficult to support both the government
and family on a single salary.

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Taxpayers: A special class of people who don't have to pass civil
service examinations in order to work for the government.

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Someone has noted that besides being Income Tax Day, April
15 is also the day the Titanic sank and the day that Lincoln was
assassinated.

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If you think you're getting too much government, just be
thankful you're not getting as much as you're paying for.
-Will Rogers

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What gets me is that estimated tax return. You have to guess
how much you are gonna make. You have to fill it out, fix it up,
sign it, send it in. I sent mine in last week. I didn't sign it. If I
have to guess how much I'm gonna make, let them guess who
s e n t It.
--Jimmy Edmondson (Professor Backwards)

Have you gotten your income tax papers yet? They've done
away with all those silly questions now. There are only three
questions on the form:

1. How much did you earn?

2. How much do you have left?

3. Send it in.

-Sandy Powell

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Dateline, Sacramento: Today, the California governor signed into
law a billion-dollar tax break that will cut $60.00 off the tax bill
of a family earning $40,000 per year, and $300.00 off the taxes
of a family earning $100,000 a year. Which proves once again,
it pays to be rich.
-Will Durst

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A presidential aide said, "Mr. President, I was wondering, sir, if
it might be possible for my son to work somewhere in the
White House."
"Of course," answered the president. "What does he do?"
The aide threw up his hands and said, "Nothing."
"Excellent," noted the president. "We won't even have to
train him."

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A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were debating which
of their professions was the oldest.
"Eve was made from Adam's rib," said the surgeon, "and
that, of course, was a surgical procedure."

"Yes," countered the engineer, "but before that, order was
created out of all chaos-and that most certainly was an engineering
job."

"Aha!" exclaimed the politician triumphantly. "And just
who do you think created the chaos?"

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Political orator: All that I am or will be, I owe to my dear mother.
Heckler: Why don't you give your mom ten cents and square
the account?

My father's mother learned several years after her husband's
death that he had never become a U.S. citizen.
For more than forty years, she had lived under the
assumption that by marrying him she had herself become a
citizen. So at age sixty-five she began studying for her citizenship
exam. My Aunt Harriet and I helped her cram for the test.
It was a treat to hear her spew out the names of the Supreme
Court justices in her Russian-Yiddish accent!

At the ceremony to obtain her citizenship, she was asked,
"Would you ever advocate the overthrow of the constitutional
government by either coercion or violence?"

Grandma thought for a few seconds and blurted out, "By
violence."

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During the presidential primaries, there's always good news
and bad news. The good news is, the field of candidates narrows
as the season progresses. The bad news is, so do their minds.

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Mr. and Mrs. Smith were leaving the White House after a tour
when they bumped into the president. "Mr. President," said Mr.
Smith, "I know this is a great imposition, but-would you mind?"

"Of course not," said the Commander-in-Chief.
So they gave him their camera and posed in front of the
White House.

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A man walked into a hotel. "I'd like a room for tonight," he
told the clerk.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we have no vacant rooms," the clerk
answered.

"Not even one room?" the man asked.

"No, sir, we're full tonight," said the clerk.

The man thought for a moment. "Please tell me, if the
President of the United States came in and asked for a room,
would you give him one?"

"If the President of the United States asked for a room, I
would find one for him!" the clerk replied.

"Well, the President is not coming here tonight. So give me
the room you'd give him!"

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First Woman: "On my vacation, I toured Abraham Lincoln's
boyhood home. It's exactly like it was over a hundred years
ago."

Second Woman: "We must have the same landlord."

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Father: "Son, do you realize when Lincoln was your age he was
already studying hard to be a lawyer?"

Son: "Right, Pop, and when he was your age, he was already
President of the United States."

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Father: "I'm ashamed of you. When I was your age, I could
name all the Presidents in order.

Son: "But, Dad, there were only two of them then!"

A congressman involved with agriculture issues
received this hilarious letter and passed it on to
the Washington Times column "Inside the Beltway,"

by John McCaslin.

Rural Route #2
Fremont, NE 68025
September 8, 1987
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, DC

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Dear Sir:
I need your advice with an agricultural situation, please.
My friend Ed Peterson, who lives in Wells, Iowa, received a
check for one thousand dollars from the government for NOT
raising hogs. So, I want to go into the business of "not raising
hogs" next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of
hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I
will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend Peterson is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for thirty years or so and the
best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year
when he got your check for not raising hogs.

If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will
I get two thousand for not raising a hundred? I plan to operate
on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four
thousand hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the
first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
one hundred thousand bushels of corn. I understand that you
also pay farmers for not raising wheat and corn. Will I qualify
for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the
four thousand hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that, too. In view of
these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food
stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,

Harry Callahan
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese?

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Our presidents seem to have enjoyed a more than average wittiness.
John F. Kennedy, one of my favorite leaders, was queried
about his first days in the White House and replied, "The thing
that surprised us most was to find that things were just as bad
as we'd been saying they were!"

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A small boy asked President Kennedy how he became a war
hero. Kennedy replied: "It was easy. The Japanese sank my boat."

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President Grover Cleveland and the Senate were constanstly bickering
with one another. However, the House of Representatives
and Cleveland got along great.

After a hectic day with the Senate, Cleveland, exhausted,
retired early at home. In the middle of the night, the butler
heard some noises and rushed to Cleveland's bedroom, shook
him and whispered: "Mister President, I think there are burglars
in the house!"

The President woke up just enough to say: "In the Senate,
maybe, but not in the House!"

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The President of the United States, the Prime Minister of
England, and the Communist leader met and started discussing
the dreams they had. The President of the U.S. said: "I
dreamed that I was made President of the World."

The Prime Minister of England announced: "I dreamed I
was made Prime Minister of the World."

The Communist leader cried: "That's funny. I have no recollection
of appointing either of you!"

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During his stint as governor of Georgia, Lester Maddox
explained why his state should not create a consumer protection
agency as follows: "Honest businessmen should be protected
from the unscrupulous consumer."

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Uncle Irv ran for alderman in Chicago. He came home late on
election night and gave his wife the glorious news, "Darling,
I've been elected!"

"Honestly?" she replied, too delighted to believe the news.

"Hey," he said, "why bring that up?"

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My friend Ed was a sheep rancher in Idaho. One day a
stranger walked up to him and asked, "If I can guess how many
sheep you've got, may I have one?" Thinking this impossible,
Ed agreed. The stranger declared, "You have 1,795 sheep."

"Now how did he figure that out?" Ed wondered as the man
selected an animal, slung it over his shoulder and turned to
leave.

"Wait," called the Ed. "If I can guess your occupation, can
I have that animal back?"

"Sure," said the man.

"You're a government bureaucrat."

"How did you figure that out?" asked the stunned man.
"Well," grinned Ed, "put my dog down and I'll tell you."

There was a fellow who applied for a job as a press aide for a
Congressman. Not long after he submitted his application, he
received word from the official's office: "Your resume is full of
exaggerations, distortions, half-truths, and lies. Can you start
work Monday?"

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Will Rogers said that all he needed for his humor was the
Congressional Record. He said, "There's no trick to being
humorous when you have the whole United States government
working for you."

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It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make
their experiments on journalists and politicians.
-Henrik Ibsen

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A canny politician campaigning for re-election to congress
went from farm to farm, drumming up votes. In one back yard
he found a young woman milking a cow. He had just started
talking to her when the mother stuck her head out of the back
door and called, "Mary, who's that feller you're talkin' to?"

Mary explained that the visitor was a famous politician.

"You come right into this house," commanded the mother.

Then she added, "If that feller says he's a politician, you'd better
bring the cow with you."

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When the governor of the Virgin Islands was visiting
Washington, DC, the toastmaster became flustered during his
introduction and announced, "It's a great pleasure to present
the Virgin of Governor's Island."

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In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school
board was voted into office in the 1988 election. After taking
over, they dutifully issued a budget for fiscal year 1990, carefully
balanced to projected revenues. When the state's Board of
Education in Austin asked why they planned to spend
absoulately no money on foreign language education that year,
the answer was: "We don't hold with new-fangled ways. If
English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it should be good
enough for the children of our town."

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Ad in the paper: "Young man, Democrat, would like to meet
young lady, Republican. Object: third party."

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Political ads are so scandalous, I always switch to a daytime talk
show when they come on.
-Bill Jones

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I finally hired a new church secretary, a former Pentagon
employee. She immediately reorganized my filing system,
labeling one file cabinet SACRED and the other TOP SACRED.

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A candidate running for Congress hired two assistants:
one to dig up the facts, and the other to bury them.

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A politician is a guy who shakes your hand before an election
and your confidence afterwards.