Humor Series: Heaven and Hell

Definitions of heaven and hell:
In heaven . . .

• all the cooks are French
  
• all the police are English
  
• all the engineers are German
  
• all the lovers are Italian
  
• and everything's organized by the Swiss
  
  In hell. . .
  
  
• all the cooks are English
  
• all the police are German
  
• all the engineers are French
  
• all the lovers are Swiss
  
• and everything's organized by the Italians
  

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A lawyer dies and finds himself with the devil in a room
full with clocks. Each clock turns at a different speed
and is labeled with the name of a different occupation.
After examining all of the clocks, the lawyer turns to the devil
and says, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move
at a different speed?"

The devil replies, "They turn at the rate at which that occupation
sins on the earth. What is your second question?"

The lawyer asks where the attorneys' clock is.

The devil looks puzzled, then his face brightens and he
replies, "Oh, we keep that one in the workshop. The workers
use it as a fan."

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Bus driver and a minister are standing in line to get into
Heaven. The bus driver approached the gate and St. Peter said,
"Welcome. I understand you were a bus driver. Since I'm in
charge of housing, I believe I have found the perfect place for
you. See that mansion over the hilltop? It's yours."

The minister heard all this, and begins to stand a little
taller. He also thinks to himself, "If a bus driver got a place like
that, just think what I'll get." The minister approaches the gate
and St. Peter says, "Welcome. I understand you were a minister.
See that shack in the valley?"

St. Peter had hardly gotten the words out of his mouth
when the irate minister said, "I was a minister, I preached the
Gospel, I helped teach people about God. Why does that bus
driver get a mansion, and I get a shack?"

Sadly St. Peter responds, "Well, it seems when you preached,
people slept. When that bus driver drove, people prayed."

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A taxicab driver died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Just
ahead of him was a famous minister, but St. Peter motioned
him aside and took the cabbie into heaven at once.

"How come you're making me wait, while that cab driver
gets right in? asked the frustrated clergyman. "Haven't I done
everything possible to preach the gospel and live a good life?"

"Yes," said St. Peter, "but that cab driver scared hell out of
more people than you ever did."

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A stockbroker appears before the pearly gates and seeks
admission.

"Who are you?" says St. Peter.

"I am John Framson, a Wall Street broker."

"What is it that entitles you to admission?"

"Well, for one thing, the other day I saw a homeless, lame
woman on Broadway and handed her a nickel."

"Is that in the records, Gabriel?"

"Yes, St. Peter."

"What else have you done?"

"Well, the other night I was crossing the Brooklyn Bridge
and I ran into a half-frozen newsboy, and I gave him a nickel."

"Gabriel, is that on the records?"

"Yes, St. Peter."

"What else have you done?"

"That's all I can think of."

"What do you think we ought to do with this guy, Gabriel?"

"Give him back his dime and tell him where he can go."

Brother Hanks was a pillar of his church in Louisiana. He had
total faith in God. He lived in a house by a great river.
One night there was a terrible flood. He was standing in water up to
his knees. Some men came by in a boat to rescue him and said,
"Get in."

But he said, "Oh no, I have faith that God will rescue me."

The water kept rising. Pretty soon Brother Hanks had to
climb up on the roof of his house to escape being drowned.
After a time, some men came by in another boat to rescue him,
but he refused. "I have faith that God will rescue me."

A few hours later, he was in water up to his neck. A helicopter
flew over and let down a rope ladder, but the man waved
them away, shouting, "I have faith that God will rescue me!"

At last, the force of the water broke up the house and
Brother Hanks was drowned. He went to Heaven, and when he
saw God, he asked, "Oh God, God, I had such faith in you, and
you let me drown. Why?"

"What do you mean, let you drown? I sent you two boats
and a helicopter, didn't I?"

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The golf match of the centuries was played up in Heaven by St.
Peter and St. Paul.

St. Peter had the honor on the first tee and promptly made
a hole in one.

St. Paul, unfazed, did the same.

Dutifully, St. Peter marked the scores down on his card,
then remarked, "What do you say, Paul? Let's cut out the miracles
and get down to business."

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Every Sunday morning, Mike goes to church and prays, "God,
please let me win the lottery." Months pass, and although Mike
fervently repeats his prayer weekly, it goes unanswered-until
one Sunday, when Mike hears a deep voice from above utter
his name.

"Is that you, God?" asks Mike.

"Yes, Mike," the voice replies.

"God," Mike implores, "why won't you let me win the lottery?"

"You have to meet me halfway, Mike," God says. "At least
buy a ticket."

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An elderly woman was sitting next to me on a plane and getting
increasingly nervous about the thunderstorm raging outside.
She turned to me and said: "Reverend, you are a man of
God. Why can't you do something about this problem?"

"Lady," I replied, "I'm in sales, not management."

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to
achieve immortality through not dying. -Woody Allen

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Wilmer Judson's shrewish wife of fifty-three years had died,
and as the mourners were on the way to the cemetery, one of
the pallbearers tripped over a rock. This shook the casket and
revived the woman. She lived another seven years and died
again. They were on the way to the cemetery again, and as they
approached the same spot, Wilmer shouted out to the pallbearers,
"Watch out for that rock!"