Humor: Relationships, Love, My Man and Me

Having divorced quite a few years earlier I was nestled quite comfortably within my life as a single person. Because I work from home I could get up whenever I wanted to, spend the day in my pajamas if I chose, and overall just live my life in a nice relaxed atmosphere.

I could eat whenever I wanted to and whatever I wanted to without producing a lot of dishes. (It is important to note that dishes are something which I absolutely positively hate with a passion that is virtually beyond reason.) I was quite happy overall.

So although I would get a little lonely on occasion, I basically enjoyed my life as a single person, and didn't really have a big need to bring a spouse into the scenario. That is until this tall gangly man come bounding into my world and convinced me otherwise. He needed a wife and he was determined to find one.

Now it turns out that one of the main reasons that this fellow needed a wife was because he could not cook and was in the process of starving to death. He was fifty some years old and during this time he had acquired the culinary skills to prepare two dishes, these being oatmeal and meatloaf, and both of which he assured me he was long past the point of enjoying. He needed a wife.

I on the other hand am not the happy home-maker type woman. I enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere of my life and really did not want to have to suddenly be cooking, cleaning, and doing dishes on a regular basis. (Did I mention that I hate dishes.) I wanted to see my man just a wee bit more self sufficient before I offered him my hand in wedded bliss.

So as he worked on wooing me into his happy home, while I worked on teaching him how to cook, and also on brainwashing him into thinking that doing the dishes could be fun.

He was turning up at my house quite often and suspiciously right around supper time each evening. Not only did this mean extra cooking, but it also meant extra dishes, so I knew that I had to come up with a plan.

I figured if my potential mate knew how to cook a few simple meals then he would be more likely to reduce the kitchen work load that he seemed to be expecting to shift onto my shoulders. I decided to start by teaching him how to make Jello.

Jello was a recipe that I remembered my mom teaching us as kids and it is after all one of the simplest dishes to prepare. Yeah right. Simple enough I had thought, but after staring into his terrified eyes and answering a barrage of questions on the complexity of creating Jello, I began to realize exactly how difficult Jello actually is to make. How foolish of me to have forgotten.

First lesson was showing him where exactly on the box the directions were located because, "having the list of ingredients on the same box as the directions can be very confusing you know..." (Yeah, I was kind of wondering if we had any adipic acid too?)

Next came the really hard questions, how long do we have to boil the water and do we have to add sugar? Where do you get the cold water from? How long do we have to stir it? Have I stirred it long enough now? Should we put a lid on it? I kept having to look at him just to make sure that he was really serious, and yep, he was honestly confused by these little details.

I could tell that my task was not going to be an easy one and I was beginning to see images of myself as an eighty year old spinster.

Thankfully though, our afternoon of learning how to create Jello did come to a successful conclusion, and he looked pretty relieved as his first adventure in cooking 101 ended. I put the Jello in the fridge to set, and explained to him that it would have to sit overnight, but that it would be ready to eat the next morning. Then I wiped down the counter, and as he reached over to hug me his final question was, "How long before you know when you are going to move in?"

I'm was thinking, "Don't worry hon, it'll be before your weight gets below 100 pounds."

Did I mention that I have a fear of commitment? To put it mildly, I'm a little terrified of relationships, and the one that he and I are engaged in sometimes does get very hazardous to his health because of it. I love him, I respect him, but I just get a little nervous at the thought of that great big word "M-a-r-r-i-a-g-e".

Last month, in a major moment of weakness, or drunken foolishness, I agreed to make the big commitment to him. We decided that in two months, I would pack up my life, and become a part of his. We would haul all my worldly possessions over to his place and officially allow my belongings to mingle amongst his belongings.

This also means that I would be living in his world. I would be entering into a marriage of convenience, become his concubine, become officially owned and operated by....my man?

I am quickly discovering exactly to what degree this thought frightens me.

Unfortunately the thought of entering into a long term relationship makes me just a wee smidge nervous. Actually that is the understatement of the year. The very idea of engaging in a lasting relationship has me wanting to run screaming off to Europe, Africa, or any other country out there that is mighty darn far away.

I want to run like a wounded beast into my cave to hide from this threat to my independence... but instead I stay rooted to my situation. Like an old oak tree stranded in the middle of a farmer's field during a lightening storm, the fear has me petrified, and I can do nothing but await my destiny.

The closer the day comes to our betrothal, the more terrified I become, and the more dangerous his position in life becomes. Sitting here in the quiet solitude of my little home, I can't help but try to analyze why I have been suddenly transformed into that most devious of all beasts, the black widow spider.

Am I really trying to rip him apart limb from limb, to leave him lying broken and bruised on the ground beneath my feet, or am I just trying to frighten him away? Either way, he really isn't living in a very safe neighborhood at the moment.

I have come to the conclusion that I am definitely no longer of sound mind. I am a trapped animal looking for any means of escape, and if that means chewing my way through someone to find it, then so be it.

He is perhaps an innocent person in all this, he is just that someone who by chance happened to fall into my pathway, and now stands between me and my freedom. Poor man. How he must rue the day that he looked into my eyes, grinned in all his innocent naivety and said, "I love you hon".

Those words were like a trigger within me, they set off some sort of sordid rebirth, caused the animal in me to emerge. Since then I've been scratching and screaming, trying to draw blood at every opportunity, and he has been meekly trying to figure out why. He has taken the stance that standing firm, and remaining calm will keep him safe, but this only seem to enrage me more. Every time he says, "Sorry hun" for something he hasn't done, I want to rip him to shreds.

There just appears to be no escape from the man. I don't want to be domiciled, domesticated, or tamed. Where the heck is the full moon? I feel like tipping back my head and howling.

Only a month and a half to go till I move in.

Why do morning people always wind up being attracted to people who have an intense dislike to daylight?

Okay I admit it, I am just not a morning person, and I have absolutely no ability to be a nice person until at least one in the afternoon rolls around. I can stumble out of bed at five a.m., or I can stumble out around ten a.m., but I just do not become a real person until around one in the afternoon no matter what time my eyes appear to be open. I am what some polite individuals would refer to as surly if I am forced to function before I am fully awake.

Actually it would be much more appropriate to say that I am down and out right nasty mean if you wind up in my line of vision before I am fully awake. I snarl, I curse, and I have occasionally even been known to bite, I am just not a morning person.

I wake up in some strange form of brain fog that has me incapable of human thought patterns. The only thing that seems to dissipate this fog is a number of cups of hot black coffee and the passing of time. Until it lifts I consider myself innocent of all acts that might incur while I am under its dark influences.

The cat understands the situation and actually seems to be under the same mode of thinking as myself. I roll out of the bed each morning stretching, yawning, and scratching and she jumps off her spot on my dresser to head for the computer. I click the computer on as I pass it on my way to put on the coffee. By the time I return the cat will have her furry little bottom firmly planted on the mouse pad and be busy insuring that the computer performs as it is supposed to.

I stare at the black coffee as drip by drip it fills the pot. As soon as there is a sufficient enough amount to have one cup without it knocking me off my feet, I steal one. Then back I go to the computer with a piping hot cup of coffee and that is exactly where Kitty and I remain until the brain fog lifts.

This is my morning routine, it occurs every morning without fail, the cat has it memorized in her wee little kitty mind and would be shocked if it ever differed. We both think that this morning behavior is perfectly normal.

Now this is the point in my story and in my world where things start to go horribly wrong. For some unknown and never to be understood reason I agreed to give in to my long term boyfriends desire that he and I become domiciled together. I discovered the day after I moved in that he is a morning person.

He wakes at four a.m. each morning. FOUR A.M.? What kind of a lunatic wakes up at four a.m.?

Not only does he wake up at four a.m. each and every morning, but he also expects me to wake up at four a.m. Worse yet, he thinks that it is natural for a man to need to perform certain functions at four a.m. and that his woman should be pleasantly waiting for this to occur.

I don't think so. It is much more likely that his face will be ripped from its current positioning than that I will be up cheerfully smiling and doing anything that might in any way be misinterpreted as exertion of any shape or form at four a.m.

I am wondering if this man has any notion of who he has been dating all this time because I am quite sure that he has by some small error in judgment asked the wrong woman to share his world with him. Somehow I just can't envision me in a cute little apron cooking pancakes at six a.m. after having just concluded a loving interlude at four a.m. There seems to be a little case of mistaken identity going on here. I am not a morning person.

The cat understands this so why can't the man?

For some god unknown reason he just cannot seem to manage to be awake without me? He keeps coming back into the bedroom to talk to me.

Then when I actually begin to think that I might be able to actually drift back off into my favorite land he is back again to ask me a question. Fifteen minutes later he is back to lean over to give me a kiss and tell me that he loves me.

Then at seven a.m. he once again appears in the bedroom doorway to let me know that he is now leaving for work. Aggrrrr by this time it is light outside and I just can not force my weary old brain into a total shut down. I have to get up and try to survive the morning in my half alive zombie mode state of mind. The cat jumps off the dresser and heads for the computer.

I am not a morning person. Polite conversation won't help to wake me before the brain fog lifts. Trust me it only serves to confuse my mind further. It is sort of like asking a drunk to walk a straight line. It just doesn't work and a person who is not a morning person is just not capable of developing rational human thought patterns in the morning.

There is only one point in time when my day begins. It is when the fog lifts, the sun peeks through, and voila the squeaky wheels of thought begin to turn. The cat understands this so why can't the man?

So here it is, it is now about seven months since I moved in. He is still a morning person and I am definitely still not a morning person. He is still like a little puppy bouncing around the bedroom each morning trying to accidentally wake me in some manner that can be considered not to be his fault. (I must admit that he has grown a little wiser and now tries to make it look like it is an accident when he awakens me.) But the point here is that he still seems to need to make sure that he wakes me each morning. Why?

I don't expect a morning person to sleep with me till ten or eleven so why in heck does he need me to be up at the crack of dawn with him? The cat knows better than to bounce all over me till I get up, it is hazardous to her health, and she knows it. So why can't the man figure this one out?

He's been yelled out, had things thrown at him, had the silent treatment, and even had his life threatened but he stills sneaks in to wake me up before he leaves for work?

Is he perhaps insane? Just likes to live life dangerously? Believes in assisted suicide maybe? WHY? WHY?

I am not good at 4 a.m., nor am I good at 5 a.m., 6 a.m., or 7 a.m. I am just not a morning person. Why is it so difficult for people who are morning creatures to understand this?

Nothing that you can ever do will succeed in making me into a morning person. It is not in me. I was not created that way. I will never ever want to be up and attempting to function before my brain fog has lifted. I am not capable of functioning until the brain fog has lifted.

Ask the cat. She understands.

You sleep so quiet
So peaceful
so sweet
I have no idea
why I have this crazy desire
To sniff your feet.

I'm not weird
not mentally ill,
not abnormal in any other way
except this irrisistable urge
To harrass you while you sleep.

I would like to put my finger in your ear
or tickle your toes
paint a big black moustache
under your nose.

I would love to braid your chest hair
Paint a face on your bum
Shave your underarms
wake you up and make love.

I want to lie a feather
under your nose
to make you sneeze.
Dust you with baby powder
until you wheeze.

It isn't my fault
I've tried
I can't stop
You just look so sweet
and peaceful when you sleep.

I want to bathe you in wet kisses
tickle the ends of your toes
Paint your fingernails
Put a ring through your nose.

It's something I just can't control
You drive me insane
Softly snoring
while I lay here awake.
These uncontrollable feelings
To shake you awake
Just to tell you I love you
in every imaginable way.

He staggered home from work three days ago, fell into bed, and then the metamorphosis occurred.

I'm not too sure where my big strong man disappeared to, but the disheveled face peering out at me from under the covers that next day, was not him. I could hear a barely audible, almost squeaky kind of voice, begging for water. As I moved in a little closer for a better look, a trembling hand reached out from beneath the sheets, and grabbed my arm. Eeeeek.

I guess what frightened me the most though were his eyes. These were the eyes of a desperate man, a man who would do anything to get what he wanted, and he wanted water.

His grip tightened on my arm, his terrified eyes bored into mine, I could feel his fingers so tight on me that they were branding my skin. "Water", he croaked, and then to weak to say more he flopped backwards onto his pillow.

It was at about this point that the ghostly moaning and groaning began. I couldn't help but watch in fascination as he curled himself up into a teeny weeny ball and proceeded to burrow himself deep under the covers. He disappeared beneath the mounds of blankets till all that remained of him was a lump. I knew he was okay though because I could hear the muffled sounds of him whimpering in agony.

Yep, gonna be a good week around here.

He knew I was dying
silently inside
He knew the chances were slim
that I would survive.

I was tired of fighting
tired of trying
tired of hearing
of my chances for survival.

I said "I don't care"
He said "You will"
I said "I don't want to"
he said "remember
you once did"

Then he took the risk.

He examined my body
examined my brain
decided I wasn't
totally insane.

When he looked in my chest
he found it empty and bare
My chest cavity empty
My heart no longer there.

It took him awhile
he searched quite a time
Then he sighed and he smiled
and I saw into his mind

With the softest touch
and the lightest of thoughts
he reached into my being
and pulled out a heart.

The heart did a couple of flippity floppity beats
He put his hand over mine
smiled
and promised me that now
everything would be fine.

I had to believe him
for it was his heart
loudly beating
that he now called mine.

All kidding aside, I feel truly blessed to wake up each morning, and see his tousled head laying next to mine.

It is very sad that only about half of the people in relationships make it through long enough to be able to look back, and laugh about the times, and troubles that they have shared in the creating of their relationship. Being part of a couple may at times be trying but it is sure worth the effort over the long haul.

Maybe if we all fight just a little harder to keep love alive and sizzling in our world then maybe, just maybe, a few more folks will be a just a wee little more content out there.

Take a few minutes to be extra nice to that special somebody in your world.

It infects your mind, and your heart, and you haven't a clue why or how it happens. It just does.

It's love, and how lovers find each other in this big wide world is as mysterious as the emotion itself is.

Perhaps a magnetic or physical attraction draws you to your mate. Or maybe a brief glimpse into that persons eyes and into the emotion that rests deep within them is what lets you know that you have found love...Is True Love Accidental or Predestined?

Love is that mushy gushy stuff that makes your heart sometimes feel like it is being twisted into the shape of a pretzel. It is being accepted for who you are, and being accepting of the other persons faults, and insecurities.

Love is very giving. It is a deep rooted caring for another person that is so strong that it makes you wish that you had the ability to heal every hurt that they might feel.

You want so badly to make them smile when they are sad, and yet sometimes this same love is filled with anger...Is Love Over Rated?

Although loneliness often occurs after the loss of someone, or something close to us, it can occur for a variety of reasons.

Perhaps a close love relationship has ended,or a best friend has moved away, and we no longer have the close bond that an intimate friend can provide. Maybe it is retirement from your profession, or the loss of a support group, or club that has caused the seclusion that now exists...How to overcome loneliness.

You've decided that it is time to ask for her hand in marriage, she is definitely the right one for you, and you want to make sure that you make this proposal something that you can both remember for the rest of your life. You want it to be romantic.

Of course, for the ultimate romantic proposal you have to set the mood for it. Surprise is always a good element to add in to the mix, but the selection of the ideal romantic location or backdrop for a proposal, is what really sets the mood....Romantic places to propose marriage.

What happens when you aren't quite ready to marry, but the other person is, and you suddenly find yourself being asked a question that you just did not want to hear? How do you respond, how do you say no, exactly what is there to say if you don't want to accept a marriage proposal?

If you are receiving a proposal of marriage from someone then it is most likely because you have been enjoying a relationship that is enjoyable....What To Say If You Don't Want To Accept A Marriage Proposal.

When you participate in pleasurable activities like smiling, laughing, exercising or playing, your brain does an amazing thing and releases a little chemical message known as an endorphin.

These endorphins are feel good messages that have the power to actually remove physical and emotional pain. They travel down the spine, and then throughout your body, sending a feeling of well being as they go. These endorphins not only have the ability to relieve pain but they also have the power to make you feel happy. So remember to take time to play - It really is important.

Other images used are from the public domain images found at Karen's Whimsy: Public domain gift images

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