HUMPTY DUMPTY

There are now 1,700,000 web pages devoted to the tendentious topic of "Humpty Dumpty". Who or what is "Humpty Dumpty"?

According to an 1810 publication, "Humpty Dumpty" was the name of a large cannon used in the Seige of Colchester in 1648. It is said that a shot from a Parliamentary cannon succeeded in damaging the wall beneath "Humpty Dumpty" which caused the cannon to tumble to the ground. The Royalists known as 'Cavaliers', (referred to in the nursery rhyme as "all the King's men" attempted to raise "Humpty Dumpty" on to another part of the wall. However, because the cannon was so incredibly heavy, "All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again!" This had a drastic consequence for the Royalists as the strategically important town of Colchester fell to the Parliamentarians after a siege lasting eleven weeks.

Still others suggest that "Humpty Dumpty" was a colloquial if not somewhat derogatory term used in 19th century England. In today's politically-correct environment this person might be referred to as "a marginally able, vertically-challenged, person of size", while in academic circles perhaps he is simply called an "egghead".

While it's unlikely that such a colorful character could actually fall off a wall and end up in little pieces (this might depend of course on how high he was from the ground). Physicists probably have a wonderful explanation as to why the answer to the riddle is an egg as opposed to a person. But poets (like Edgar Allen Poe) and people of prose (C.S. Lewis, author of "Through the Looking Glass") found it infinitely more interesting to have a fallible if not fragmented hero.

Pragmatic professionals prefer to interpret this story as a lesson in health and safety issues. They suggest that had a risk assessment been carried out in the first place to identify the potential hazards and had adequate warning signage and safety measures been enacted to mitigate the dangers found in the workplace, (such as the installation of protective matting and/or some sort of harness to restrain Humpty from falling), the organization could have avoided a fatal brain trauma plus internal injuries too numerous to mention, and a multi-million legal suit claiming "gross negligence" launched by grieving family members.

Not happy with this version, some enterprising folks in North America decided to capitalize on the catastrophe. According to them, the solution to the problem lay in chomping chips (as opposed to useless efforts such as crying over spilt milk or figuring out how to put the pieces back together again without any invisible, extra strong-bonding glue).

While practically everyone seems to know the story about "Humpty Dumpty" perhaps few know what his mother often said when he was but an outrageously obstreperous ovum:

"Listen up Humpty - if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

Here are ten things you probably didn't know about "Humpty Dumpty".

As we learn from C.S. Lewis in Chapter 6 of "Through the Looking Glass" "Humpty Dumpty" explains to Alice one important and illuminating piece of logic - that "unbirthdays" outnumbered "birthdays" by 364 to 1. And, that is why it is infinitely more enjoyable to organize a "Happy Unbirthday" party (as many times as one wishes), versus having a "birthday" party (which is celebrated but once a year).

Well now, getting back on track, the following bits of fluff and stuff have one thing in common; they all share the same name. Clearly the moniker "Humpty Dumpty" represents different things do different people.

Besides being the central character in a maudlin munchkin fairytale, "Humpty Dumpty" is the name of:

1. An American salty snack food manufacturer.

2. An Enchanted Learning Software product.

3. An American association that advocates brain injury prevention through the World Safety Clown Guild, and an American institute whose innovative and successful business entrepreneur membership tackles tough international problems -- to "put the pieces together" by creating unique public-private partnerships.

4. A pinball database and machine.

5. The title of a song.

6. The name of a beetle found in dry, warm climates.

7. A New-York based nursery school.

8. An Italian web design company.

9. An Australian foundation that raises funds for children's hospitals.

10. The title of a magazine published by the Children's Better Health Institute.

There are five valuable lessons to be learned from the cautionary tale of "Humpty Dumpty".

1. It's not advisable to sit on wall unless you are wearing a hard hat and a safety harness, not to mention installed a fall-mat to reduce the risk of head trauma and internal injuries from a fall.

2. Choose your career path carefully; eggheads break easily when under the pressure of any kind.

3. Buy a comprehensive liability and medical insurance policy, that way the insurance companies, lawyers, and litigants get rich off your misery or untimely demise.

4. Don't rely on healers or hapless helpers like "all the kings horses and all the kings men" to put you back together again. Learn to meditate, find inner peace, and buy a prepaid ticket to heaven, (where "the man" will make you whole again)!

5. Forget the "golden handshake", just negotiate a a "golden parachute" in your employment contract, that way you'll have a very safe, secure, and soft landing; (besides it's a great opportunity to take early retirement)!

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Photo Insert: From crimfants photostream on flickr.com.