Should Your Husband be in the Delivery Room?
Ranked #142 in Healthy Living, #3,689 overall
It seems these days that even questioning whether the husband should be in the delivery room is sacrilege.
The assumption of all baby books and videos and of most conversations we have with friends, family, and strangers is that the father will be present. The only time when the father would not be present in the delivery room is if he was unable to get to the hospital in time. This is the case in both the United States, where I am from originally, and in Taiwan, where my wife is from and where we currently live.
When did this change in people's worldview regarding birth occur? In the United States, it would seem to be in the early 1970s, the time when I myself was born. When I was born my father was not in the delivery room. A couple years later when my sister was born, he was.
For many the idea that a couple may not want the husband in the delivery room is unthinkable. These people are only too happy to make the husband feel like a sociopath for not having a burning desire to be in the delivery room or the wife feel like she is denying her husband of an unalienable right if she doesn't want her husband present during birth. Yet, given the fact that for much of history the husband was expected to not be present in the delivery room, I can't believe that I'm the only person who has thought about this. Unfortunately, this is not even a bullet point for discussion in most pregnancy books or videos.
I hope that this lens helps reopen this important decision for discussion and, hopefully, prompts writers of pregnancy guides to address this decision as well.
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When the Father is Not a "Husband"
I struggled with selecting the title for this lens. I realize that my use of "husband" may alienate some mothers. I decided to use "husband" instead of "father" in part because of the ubiquitousness of the word in articles and posts discussing the issue, in part because the question arose in my mind in reaction to "Husband-Coached Childbirth" materials, and in part because of the lack of a satisfying alternative.
"Husband" and "spouse" may alienate unwed mothers and fathers, "father" may alienate the non-biological mother in a lesbian relationship, and "partner" didn't seem to capture the particular issue that this lens was dealing with.
"Husband" and "spouse" may alienate unwed mothers and fathers, "father" may alienate the non-biological mother in a lesbian relationship, and "partner" didn't seem to capture the particular issue that this lens was dealing with.
Arguments FOR
A list of the most commonly argued reasons for allowing/coercing the husband into the delivery room.
See my list of links at the end of this lens for articles discussing, promoting, or objecting to these points.
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Provide comfort and support for the mother.
For me, this is the most compelling reason. If the husband's presence will ease the nervousness, fear, and pain of the mother, then, by all means, she should have the right to have him by her side.
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You were there for conception (the fun part); you better be there for the delivery.
The various permutations of this argument seem to assume that any husband that is considering not being in the delivery room is trying to shirk his responsibilities, because he is too squeamish or some other selfish reason.
This reason is related to the first, if the wife wants him present. If she doesn't, than this argument just doesn't apply.
My gut reaction is "right on!" But it does seem a bit unsympathetic to the small minority of husbands who have serious phobias to blood or surgery. Then again, he needn't look "down there." Not needing to look also applies to those who argue that witnessing the birth can lead to sexual dysfunction.
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But you CAN'T miss the birth of your child! / You May Regret it Later.
Comments like this are usually based upon strong feelings about the momentousness of the occasion. The birth of your child is a milestone event in your life. Even if you don't feel this way, you may later regret it, at which time its too late.
While I feel that this is good advice, how applicable it is to an individual husband depends a great deal on his personality. Only he can determine what witnessing the birth means to him and his potential for regretting not witnessing it.
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It is a life-changing (or spiritual, or transformative, et. al.) event and you'll never be the same.
For many fathers, witnessing their child's birth was a life-changing event. It can be an incredibly moving event; for some it is a religious experience.
For others, it is simply an awkward, uncomfortable, and gross experience and they'll bond with the child after he is cleaned up, thank you very much. And then there are those fathers for whom the experience is harmful, leading to fainting, sexual dysfunction, and difficulty bonding with the child BECAUSE they witnessed the birth.
Again, how applicable this argument is depends on the personality of the husband you are directing it at.
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It is important for the husband to bond with the child.
Few would argue that developing a strong bond is good for both the child and the husband. Personally, I'm not convinced that witnessing the birth creates a stronger bond than interactions with the baby after an unwitnessed birth. I'd be interested in reading any research on this, if it exists. Please contact me if you know of any.
I think witnessing the birth is more important to strengthening the husband-wife bond; although this is obviously not the case for those men who report sexual dysfunction resulting from witnessing the birth.
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The husband can ensure that the wife's preferences are followed and help ensure that her needs are being met.
I think that this may be true with some husbands, but other husbands might only make a nuisance of themselves. Also, a wife may change her preference for, say, pain killers during labor only to have her husband pressure her to "stick to the plan."
If a couple is truly concerned about ensuring the wife and baby receive the proper and preferred treatment from the hospital staff, they should consider hiring a doula.
Books Promoting Husbands in the Delivery Room
Arguments AGAINST
A list of the most commonly argued reasons for letting/keeping the husband out of the delivery room.
See my list of links at the end of this lens for articles discussing, promoting, or objecting to these points.
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Compromises the safety of the mother and child.
While this argument is discredited in the United States and Canada, I've heard stories of hospitals in Taiwan using it to prevent the husband from entering the delivery room.
Certainly, the husband's presence in the delivery room affects safety. He may get in the way of the doctors and nurses. He is one more person that the hospital staff has to worry about. If he faints, it is a distraction that will necessitate one or more staff members to attend to him rather than the mother and baby. His presence may make it more difficult to ensure a sterile environment.
In many countries it is seen as the mother's right to have the support of her husband. Many people also consider it the father's right to witness his child's birth. These parental prerogatives trump the fairly insignificant extra risks posed by the husband's presence.
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The mother doesn't want her husband present.
Many people hold the view that it is the mother's sole right to decide who will and will not be allowed in the delivery room. This "right" includes keeping her husband out of the delivery room if that's the mother's choice.
There are many reasons that a mother might not want her husband present, including: inability to abide any "coaching", tips, or problem-solving from a man; worries that his nervousness will make her more nervous; concerns about how she will react to the pain and what she might say to him; concerns about the impact it would have on their sex life; and unresolved marital problems.
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Witnessing their wives give birth leads to sexual dysfunction in many men.
Perhaps I'm unsympathetic, but if you are concerned about this, don't look "down there." A husband can stay up by his wife's head with his back turned to all the action and still provide comfort and encouragement.
If the couple is concerned about this, they should let the hospital staff know their wishes so they do not invite the husband to look, hold his wife's legs, or cut the umbilical cord.
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This is just another attempt by men to assert yet more control over "their" women.
There are those who argue that husband coaching during childbirth is of questionable utility. The purpose, critics argue, is not to benefit the mother so much as to give the father more control. Some see the increasing role of husbands in childbirth as part of the continuing domination of men over child birth and the move away from traditional midwifery.
Of course most modern midwifes and doulas encourage the husband's participation. Moreover, there are many ways for a husband to participate in the birth that don't involve "coaching" if the mother finds that objectionable.
Quick Poll: What Did You Do?
For you mothers and fathers reading this, please take a moment to let me know whether both parents were present during delivery.
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Book Reviews
This section is for listing resources that are not specifically focused on promoting or challenging husband-coaching. My purpose is not to judge the materials on their entire content, but rather note depth and quality of their treatment of decisions relating to the husband's role during childbirth.
An Exception for C-sections?
While it is generally accepted that husbands should be present during their child's birth, for some doctors and hospitals that only applies to "natural" deliveries. Although delivery by cesarean section is now very safe, it is still a surgical procedure and it raises a host of additional concerns and potential complications.
Most U.S. hospitals allow the husband to be present during a c-section. Regional anesthesia (spinal or epidural) is used so that the mother is conscious during the operation. A curtain is typically used to block the surgery from the mother's and husband's view.
Sometimes, however, general anesthesia is used. This is not preferred as there is an increased risk to the mother and the drugs used can cross the placenta and into the baby, making him groggy. Knocking out both the mother and baby during birth complicates breast feeding. Therefore, general anesthesia is only advised for emergency (unscheduled) c-sections.
The mother, however, is often given a choice. Many women are horrified at the thought of being awake while they are cut open and opt for general anesthesia.
When general anesthesia is used, the husband is usually not allowed in the delivery/operating room. The reason? His wife is unconscious, so the husband can't comfort or encourage her, so he has no purpose to be in the room. The husband's desire to witness the child's entry into the world, even if via an incision rather then the vagina, does not seem to be a consideration. The infant will instead be cleaned up and brought out to the waiting room for the husband to hold.
Even if you are planning a natural delivery, make sure you talk to your doctor about his and the hospital's policy regarding the husband's presence during the procedure, including when general anesthesia is used. Check with other doctors/hospitals if you don't like his answer.
Everything was going well with my wife's pregnancy until her water broke and my son managed to move into a transverse position. General anesthesia was used and I wasn't allowed in the delivery/operating room. I was more concerned with my wife's well-being than not being in the room, but it all came as an unwelcome departure from our vision for the delivery. This was one situation we hadn't thought to ask our doctor about.
Most U.S. hospitals allow the husband to be present during a c-section. Regional anesthesia (spinal or epidural) is used so that the mother is conscious during the operation. A curtain is typically used to block the surgery from the mother's and husband's view.
Sometimes, however, general anesthesia is used. This is not preferred as there is an increased risk to the mother and the drugs used can cross the placenta and into the baby, making him groggy. Knocking out both the mother and baby during birth complicates breast feeding. Therefore, general anesthesia is only advised for emergency (unscheduled) c-sections.
The mother, however, is often given a choice. Many women are horrified at the thought of being awake while they are cut open and opt for general anesthesia.
When general anesthesia is used, the husband is usually not allowed in the delivery/operating room. The reason? His wife is unconscious, so the husband can't comfort or encourage her, so he has no purpose to be in the room. The husband's desire to witness the child's entry into the world, even if via an incision rather then the vagina, does not seem to be a consideration. The infant will instead be cleaned up and brought out to the waiting room for the husband to hold.
Even if you are planning a natural delivery, make sure you talk to your doctor about his and the hospital's policy regarding the husband's presence during the procedure, including when general anesthesia is used. Check with other doctors/hospitals if you don't like his answer.
Everything was going well with my wife's pregnancy until her water broke and my son managed to move into a transverse position. General anesthesia was used and I wasn't allowed in the delivery/operating room. I was more concerned with my wife's well-being than not being in the room, but it all came as an unwelcome departure from our vision for the delivery. This was one situation we hadn't thought to ask our doctor about.
Links to Useful or Just Interesting Resources
for, against, or just about having the husband in the delivery room
- AskMoses.com saying husband can't be present during birth
- I found this very interesting as I didn't know that the Jewish restrictions against coming into contact with a menstruating women applied to birth. One "practical" justification for this religious law is that seeing the birth could harm the husband's ability to be intimate with his wife later on. By "intimacy", I assume they mean sexual intercourse. Research and debate about post-partum intimacy issues was big in the news awhile back, so there seems to be some scientific validity to this.
- Husband in the Delivery Room - Nishmat Women's Online Information Center
- This article includes a more liberal perspective on Jewish law relating to the husband's presence during childbirth. Some Rabbis, it seems, allow the husband to be present with various restrictions, including that he not touch his wife, view the birth in the mirror, and that the wife be covered up as much as possible.
- Scotsman.com News - Pregnancy and birth - Men should avoid the delivery room
- One columnist and mother's argument on why men should not be allowed in the delivery room. Although it cites various statistics, it is also meant to be entertaining. It is not a serious argument against men being in the delivery room. The columnist herself allowed her husband to be present for the births of both of their children.
- 'Men should be banned from the delivery room' | the Daily Mail
- A columnist and mother's argument against having husbands in the delivery room. It draws upon recent polls and her own experiences. As interesting as the column are the many reader comments, which for the most part take issue with the columnist's conclusions.
- Ezra Klein: The Times Tells All
- Blogosphere buzz about in response to a New York Time's article about men suffering from impotence or finding intimacy with their wives' difficult after witnessing the birth of their child.
- Pregnancy Dillema: My husband doesn't want to watch the birth
- BabyCenter.com readers' advice for the mom-to-be whose husband would rather skip the delivery. Overall the advice is mature, thoughtful, and useful.
- BBC News | TALKING POINT | Should fathers be barred from the delivery room?
- BBC News asks its audience to weigh in on the following question: "Are men more trouble than they're worth when it comes to holding their partner's hand during childbirth?"
- Apgar Scores for Dads, BMJ VOLUME 317 1926 DECEMBER 1998
- The Apgar Scores for Dads (APG) is a scoring systems developed to help clinicians assess an expactant father's well-being. Whether or not your doctor uses this score, if you don't want to get kicked out of the delivery room, it doesn't hurt to read this.
The is a PDF file and you will need Adobe Acrobat Reader or another PDF viewer to read this file. - A Perilous Journey From Delivery Room to Bedroom - New York Times
- "For some men, the intensely beautiful process of the birth of a child can also lead to difficulties in their sex lives."
I would hate for women to worry about having their husbands in the delivery room just because a few have problems getting turned on after witnessing a birth. As for men, I'm not sure what we should take away from this article. If you're the type of man who can't get over the fact that women fart, defecate, grow old, and -- duh -- have babies, then maybe you are not ready to be a father. Almost every father I've spoken to that has been in the delivery room has said it was hard to get over the image, but they go on to have more kids. It's probably a good thing that a child's birth lowers a man's libido for a while. Is it nature's way of regulating additional births? Perhaps I'm callous, but baring other marital issues, I think most men will get over it. - babyworld - Dads in the delivery room - help or hindrance?
- One of the better on-line articles I've read on this issue. It goes into the history of fathers' roles during delivery and the early controversy surrounding the Bradley Method.
- BBC News | HEALTH | 'Keep men out of delivery room'
- Expectant fathers often cause more problems than they solve if they attend the birth of their child, an expert says.
- "Dads in the Delivery Room; Broadsheet - Salon.com
- A Salon.com article about dads in the delivery room.
- Forumosa : Foreign Fathers (and family members) in the delivery room
- This is a discussion thread that I started on Forumosa about fathers being in the delivery room in Taiwan.
Feedback
This section is both for my random thoughts, which may be a bit off topic or simply don't fit into the man body of this lens, and visitor feedback. Please add your thoughts about the subject in general, or your suggestions for improving this lens.
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Elizabeth Gillmann
Feb 5, 2012 @ 5:43 pm | delete
- I do not have any children yet, but I would like to some day. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I love dearly and I believe we have a strong, healthy relationship. I know that people will react negatively to how I feel about this when the time comes, but I can say whole-heartedly that I DO NOT want him in the delivery room with me when I am giving birth. Men, no matter how good their intentions, are not natural comforters. When I've been sick, or in pain, his attempts to take care of me or offer me comfort are....cute...but they don't cut it. I recall having a very bad stomach virus, and about the best he could do is sit next to me and pat my head. I had to get my own gingerale, extra blankets, check my temp, etc etc. It wasn't that he didn't want to help, he just didn't know what to do and taking the time to "teach" him how to nurture was more trouble than it was worth. He isn't going to be any more helpful in the delivery room. Furthermore, it surprises me just how far we women have gone in throwing decorum and the value of being lady-like out the window. I realize that childbirth is no picnic, but all the more reason why you wouldn't want to put yourself out on display to your husband in that condition. Before my grandmother went to the hospital to have my mom (back in 1957) she shaved her legs, painted her nails, and fixed her hair. It's not that she was vain, but she took some pride in being a LADY regardless of the circumstance. I don't want to be covered in blood, sweating, grimacing in pain while a human crawls out of my crotch and have my beloved standing there taking in all the horror. No thank you sir. Please wait outside and let them at least drape something over my nether regions and dab my forehead before you come in. I think this incorporates an old fashioned value of maintaining my dignity and grace as a woman, while also embracing the idea that as a woman I am perfectly capable of tackling one of life's most challenging moments independently of my husband. It doesn't mean I love him any less, or that he isn't an equally important part of our child's existence and entry into the world, but he doesn't have to be RIGHT there at the "crowning" moment (pun intended). I don't know why so many think it must be this way. It will not be for me.
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ChouDoufu
Feb 6, 2012 @ 3:52 pm | delete
- Thank you for you detailed comment and providing yet another (and, in parts, very humorous) perspective. I'm not sure whether I agree that men are not natural comforters, but I do agree that this is a decision for a couple to make based on their relationship. I also believe that the woman's preference should be respected, regardless of the reason.
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Jean
Feb 11, 2012 @ 4:35 pm | delete
- Elizabeth, what a great comment. I enjoyed it.
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cffutah
Jan 26, 2012 @ 1:36 pm | delete
- as a dude, I say yes, be there for your woman when she needs ya.
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Jean
Jan 9, 2012 @ 11:23 am | delete
- Men have got to realize that they are sensitive about certain male situations, such as not wanting women to invade their mancave spaces and tease about their going bald, maintaining erections, premature ejaculations, etc. Those are sensitive times for a man, so they need to respect women and not tease us during some of our most sensitive times.
If men think it's okay for comedians to tease about women's delivery rooms, then we in turn will find some female comedians to tease about male infallibles in the bedroom.
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ChouDoufu
Jan 9, 2012 @ 1:23 pm | delete
- As discussed in my more detailed response to your earlier reply, male and female comics do joke about these things. It is healthy to joke about sensitive and taboo topics in general, I think. Directing jokes at specific individuals is an entirely different matter and one needs to know person well before joking about anything that could be construed as a sensitive area. In any circumstance, bullying and meanness is not acceptable behavior. I don't think I wrote anything to imply otherwise and I apologize if anything I wrote came across as defending meanness or bullying.
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pajnhiaj Jan 9, 2012 @ 1:35 am | delete
- I feel that the partner should be in the delivery room if they feel comfortable. It is not a good thing to put the partner in an uncomfortable situation that will make the delivery complicated. I say this because with our first child my husband nearly fainted. All eyes and attention was on him if he need water, sit down, go out, or etc. By the way, this was his choice that he wanted to be in the room to see his first child born. He has a scare of blood. I'm blessed he stayed with me for all of my deliveries even when I had him in a headlock for one of them. LOL!
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ChouDoufu
Jan 9, 2012 @ 3:48 am | delete
- Kudos on to your husband for toughing it out. I love the image of having your husband in a headlock for one of the deliveries. Thanks for sharing!
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jt
Jan 4, 2012 @ 1:50 am | delete
- Thank you for your article. I had my husband at the unplanned c-section for my first after 19 hours of labor. I had reservations with his ability to handle things and really didn't want him there but I went with the flow and told him he had a choice to be there or not. I wish I had trusted my gut to keep him out. (I couldn't find an article like this.) My husband was very distant in the delivery room. After our daughter was born, he was sweet for a few months, especially around my family. He made some comments to others that I didn't like joking about how lucky I should feel that he didn't take pictures of my privates to share with others. Then at his family reunion on Christmas, he chose to let loose and tell the story in the most demeaning way to me, I was unable to fight back. He even publicly iligitimized my participation in the birth, because he viewed me as unconscious. His family thought it was hysterical and I was a wreck. Years later with our second child, I made it clear that I didn't want him in the delivery room. I told him, I am a quiet person and my reputation with his family will never recover from the holiday birth-shaming. It also haunts my memory of my daughter's birth. In addition, I refused to spend Christmas with his family with a new baby. I was firm and he didn't like it, but I have no regrets on my second a year later. In his defense, c-sections are not very well taught in birthing classes. I like this article because it suggests more flexibility is needed. I know most husbands are great, but mine needs to be in the waiting room.
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ChouDoufu
Jan 4, 2012 @ 5:34 am | delete
- It is unfortunate that your husband acted in a way that humiliated you. In my experience, guys do joke about this kind of stuff and usually do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings. Women may reasonably ask, "well, how would guys like for women to joke about, say an orchiectomy to remove testicular cancer?" Well, believe it or not, in my experience, plenty of guys who have undergone that operation do joke about it. That's just the way some guys deal with these things. This isn't to excuse your husband's behavior, or to infer that you over reacted, but instead to highlight the need to discuss expectations in advance.
Many women would probably think it should not need saying that you don't make jokes about their private parts during birth or that there is nothing funny about a c-section. Maybe it *shouldn't* need to be said, but it would behoove couples to discuss it none-the-less. I'm glad that you were able to assert your preferences the second time around and that he honored your preferences, even if he wasn't happy about it.
I wish you and your family the best!
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by ChouDoufu
ChouDoufu
United States citizen living in Taiwan. Connoisseur of Taiwanese night-market fare.
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