I Hate Roaches

It's a common misconception that roaches only lurk in filthy places. If you keep your house clean, you should have no problem at all--right? Wrong! If you live in the South (or someplace warm and tropical), a clean house is not going to discourage a roach or twelve from stopping in for a visit.

See, even though roaches can supposedly live for a month without food, they need a drink every now and then. They can't go more than a few days without some water. During the hot summer months, they are going to go where the water is... your house! And where can we find the most moisture in your home? That's right: The kitchen and the bathroom.

I've seen roaches in some of the cleanest, nicest homes in the South. Uncluttered houses, even. In fact, some of my worst roach encounters happened in these pristine homes. However, roaches seem to be less common in the Northern and Midwestern parts of the US.

Filth is not a prerequisite for roach visits. Moisture content is.

As disgusting as they are, I have a grudging respect for their abilities. They have super-fast reflexes. They can beat a hasty retreat when we threaten them with shoes, rolled-up newspapers, and other menacing household weapons. Even if you manage to hit one, there's a good chance it'll recover.

I've even heard that roaches can survive for days without their heads! If they didn't need to eat or drink, they'd live quite happily in a decapitated state. Well, maybe not happily, but you know what I mean.

Whether you believe roaches evolved to perfection or that God gave them Houdini-like gifts for some perverse reason, you can't deny that roaches are pretty darn good at surviving.

This is disgusting, but clever. Imagine the reactions when you serve food while wearing this thing.


Roach! by VectorSmith
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This is always a challenge. First you need to find a weapon, preferably something you don't mind getting roach guts on. The bottom of your shoe or a disposable magazine is best.

I don't recommend using a book. Even if it has a slick surface you can clean off, you will forever associate it with roach guts. That's all you'll be able to think about when you try to read it.

Hopefully the roach hasn't already fled while you were selecting your weapon. If it's still there, you need to try and sneak up on it.

Your method of attack depends on the terrain. If the roach is on a carpeted surface, you need to do more than stomp on it. Roaches can flatten their bodies out and survive such attacks. You not only need to smash it, you need to GRIND it into the floor. Shoes are best for this. Grind it good, and you should have a very dead roach embedded in your carpet.

If the roach is on a slick tile surface, you just need to hit it hard enough. Again, a shoe is best. A thick rolled-up magazine should work OK if wielded with sufficient force. Be prepared to wipe up a disgusting mess afterwards.

• Roaches have white blood. Though you wouldn't guess it, what with the mess they leave behind when you squish them.


• Pregnant for life. Yup, some female roaches only have to mate once in order to keep popping out a bunch of baby roaches for the rest of their lives.


• They can hold their breath for 40 minutes. Sorry, Guybrush, being able to hold your breath for ten minutes is impressive, but roaches have you beat.


• White roaches are not albinos. If you see a white roach, it simply means it just shed its old exoskeleton.


• A roach can run about 2 miles an hour. Proportionately speaking, that's wicked fast.


• Roaches are lazy. They spend about 75 percent of their time resting up for those "Let's scare the humans!" marathons.

Learn more exciting roach facts...

Let's suppose the Enemy is just beyond reach, such as high up on the wall, or even on the ceiling. Now what do you do?

You have two options. You can either sit around and wait for the roach to come down on his own, or you can "persuade" him.

I find that using a broomstick (or a yardstick in a pinch) is most effective for convincing roaches to come down. This is a tricky maneuver, though, and it requires some care.

First, you need to make sure you are well out of range. The last thing you want is a roach falling on your head. Get only as close as you must.

Second, you need to be prepared for the roach darting off when you least expect it. The roach may decide to go in the complete opposite direction you intended. Or he may start running as soon as he lands on the floor.

Have your weapon close at hand. Preferably IN your hand, if possible. This will allow you to act quickly if things go awry.

Of course, all this will be much easier if you have a partner... assuming your partner isn't squealing and jumping about in fear. Your partner can bring the roach down, and you can swoop in for the kill.

Speaking from my own personal experience, cats are useless against roaches. Most cats I've known are too fat and lazy to get off their butts and do anything about a roach, and the rest seem to feel they're too good for that sort of thing.

A young, curious cat might see the roach as a toy and try to play with it. If you're lucky, the cat might even kill or mutilate it. Don't count on it, though.

Las Cucarachas by ecaggiani

So what do you do if a giant roach is flying around and threatening to land on your head if you go anywhere near it? I'll tell you the most sensible option...

... Run and flail your arms and scream bloody murder!!!

Seriously, get out of range and wait for the wretched thing to land somewhere. It has to settle down eventually; I expect flying is exhausting work for such a monstrously huge insect.

If it doesn't settle down, all I can recommend is a full protective bodysuit and the deadliest bug spray available.

So you managed to kill the roach. That, or it's mostly dead. It's hard to say. I've seen roaches that looked very dead start twitching and crawling all of a sudden. Personally I'm never convinced that a roach is 100% dead unless it looks like a grease spot.

That's one of the reasons why you should dispose of the remains as quickly as possible. That, and leaving flattened roaches lying around is just unsightly.

Yeah, I know, you probably don't want to pick it up. I don't either. But it simply must be done.

The best way to get rid of a "dead" roach is to flush it down the toilet. That way if it ever comes back to life, it will be far away from your house.

This is where having wads of tissue helps. Wear gloves if it makes you feel better. Avert your eyes as you scoop up the remains, then race to the bathroom and toss the thing in the toilet. Flush.

There, now don't you feel better?