How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

The title of this book is likely to appeal to married men who loath to talk about their relationships. On the other hand, the title will turn off women who crave more talk with their spouses.

Don't let the title distract you from this book's purpose. No talk is not the same thing as no communication. When we withdraw from our partners, pout, give knowing glares, or even withhold eye contact we are communicating a message loud and clear.

This book teaches wives how to communicate with her husbands without words, which husband are likely to not pay attention to any way. It also teaches husbands the reasons why their wives need to talk, that verbal communication is how women find reassurance and peace of mind.

If you're a wife that feels you're never listened to or a husband that feels your wife doesn't give you enough quiet down time, then this is the book for you.

The main idea of this book is that the root of all marital problems, conflicts, and misunderstandings are caused by a man's sense of shame and a woman's fears and anxieties. At first, this sounded like some silly, over simplified psychobabble...then I read the book. After reading the book, it all began to make a whole lot of sense.

This book explains that a man's main drive is to provide for and protect his family. If he feels that he fails in this task, then he develops a strong sense of shame that causes him to defensively lash out. To a woman who doesn't understand her man's sense of shame, this defensive reflex feels like a criticism of her and a threat to the relationship, which in turn heightens her sense of anxiety and fear. When a woman feels anxious and fearful, a man interprets this as a failure on his part and then feels even more shame.

As you can see, this becomes a vicious circle. If someone doesn't break the pattern, resentment begins to develop. Then the emotional connection you once had as husband and wife breaks down. This disconnection then makes it difficult for you to feel compassion towards your spouse. Eventually, you will both stop contributing to the marriage and instead will fall into a reflexive defensive role because you each will feel your are constantly being attacked and criticized by the other.

One area that almost always causes conflict at some point in a marriage is driving. If a couple is driving some place they've never been before and the woman feels lost, this causes her to feel anxious and fearful. She may begin to think about what will happen to her and her family if they get lost in the wrong part of town. Her increased fear and anxiety makes her husband feel ashamed that he isn't able to make her feel safe. His shame causes him to lash out. This makes her feel even more anxious and she lashes out.

This scenario can escalate quickly. The husband may become so ashamed (men are comfortable with anger and aggression, so that's how they show almost any negative emotion) that he starts to drive aggressively. Now the wife is fearful that they will get in a wreck. Her tense muscles and tight grasp on the door cause her husband to feel even more ashamed because he recognizes that he's causing her fear. Now he drives even more aggressively.

Does this scene look familiar at all?

This is the best marriage advice book that I've read to date. Dr. Stosny is highly respected for his marriage saving techniques. I've read many great reviews for his other books and look forward to reading them in the future.

I have a Bachelor of Science degree in Sociology, with a specialization in marriage and family. So, I went into this book with a little deeper understanding of the psychology behind a committed relationship. This book reiterated much of what I learned in college, only it was put in much simpler terms. This book is an easy read (I read it in two days) and it's put in every day terms that make it easy to understand and put into action.

This book really helped me to better understand my husband. He has a high pressure job that's really stressing him out. It got to the point where I was walking on eggshells constantly trying to keep him from blowing up, which was only aggravating the situation more. After reading this book, I understood that by allowing myself to get anxious of a "potential" blow up, I was causing my husband to feel shame and then he really would blow up.

This book will most likely help all committed relationships for anyone who reads it cover to cover. I believe you will benefit far more if you can get your spouse to read it as well (if only I could get my husband to read it). But, if you are the only one who's willing to read it, I still think it'll be worth your while.

I really wish that I had read this book at the start of our marriage so that I could have avoided the pitfalls that caused us to disconnect in the first place. The advice in this book is great for helping you reconnect in a disconnected marriage, but it's also great for newer relationships that have not yet reached the disconnection phase.