How To Build Your Self Esteem

Why do some people seem to have great self esteem and are able to achieve what they want?

Why do others not even try, telling themselves that they will fail, other people are so much better than them.

Why do some people believe that they are worth the good things in life, refusing to accept bad things happening to them (or turning them round to good) while others accept whatever life throws at them as being their lot, moaning about it and doing nothing to change anything?

Where do you fit? You would think that everyone would like to have a great life but sometimes it seems that some people are intent on avoiding it at any cost.

Or do you believe that you regard yourself quite highly yet still somehow don't have the life you want as a good life is not really for you?

Do you know you have an issue with your self esteem or do you suspect that you do? The following exercise will help you evaluate if your personal assessment of your worth is realistic or not.

Time for a little exercise, its OK, just a pen and paper one - nothing physical.

Get a pen and paper or open a text editor on your PC.

Ready?

Great.

Now write everything you can think of that either makes you either a failure or is wrong with you.

Done it. Are you sure? Isn't there something else terrible about you?

OK, the next thing is to work through your first list and argue with yourself.

Let me explain. Say you wrote "I'm ugly" on the first list. On the second list you write something like "who says" or "why do I think that".

Really think hard about this. Keep thinking and jotting down your thoughts on your second list until you can come up with some iron clad facts behind your beliefs on the first list. This may take some time. Think about it during the commercial break while watching TV, mull it over in the bath (best write in down when you get out so your paper doesn't get wet - and definitely don't take your computer into the bath with you!)

Done it? Great.

At this point you will either feel really down as you have come up with rock solid facts, with the backup evidence as to why you are a loser or there will be some gaps in your thinking. You will have started to see the imbalance in your thoughts.

However if all the reasons are 'because you know' then you need to re-think as they are just subjective and although you may not get it yet, this is the main reason you have a problem as you are being your own worst enemy.

This is the low self esteem trap many people find themselves in.

So what can you do about it?

So you have the facts as to why you should feel bad about yourself? Are they mostly based around you personal view of yourself or are they because other people have convinced you that your personal worth is low?

The latter often creates the former. Abuse often leads to poor self esteem but well intentioned help can also hold you back. Years of being criticised by others can eventually convince you that you don't deserve better or cannot achieve more. Even a few well meaning protective comments when you are little can stop you learning to be independent and developing feelings of personal achievement and worth.

As you may have spotted earlier you are most likely very hard on yourself. Why? Who ever said you had to be perfect? I'm not perfect - no way, and boy have I made mistakes in my life! Give yourself a break, be kind to yourself. Life is hard enough, you don't need to make it tougher for yourself.

If someone else told you you need to be perfect take a long hard look at their life. Are they totally happy? How's their self esteem? Do you really know? Have they never made any mistakes?

Getting a healthy level of self esteem is all about balance. Find and accept your strengths and recognise your weaknesses. Compare yourself with others by all means, but make sure you compare yourself against everybody - those that are both 'better' than you and those that are 'worse'.

For example, if physical appearance is an issue for you (e.g. weight, looks, height) try the following. Sit in a shopping mall and people watch. Ask yourself if you would like to swap your body with the people you see. Rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 as to whether you would swap with them. This will give you an idea that your physique is not the worst. These people are getting on with their lives and so can you.

You can apply this principle to other areas. Do you think you are stupid? Look around at everyone else. Some people may be better qualified or educated than you, but others are not. Have you always tried your best? No excuses now.

Getting a balanced view is also about learning to accept what you cannot change and changing what you can. Consider the following, the well known Serenity Prayer:

You don't have to believe in God to use this prayer.

This is all about finding that inner peace when we come to realise that some things are outside of our control. Your height, the colour of your eyes, your ability to understand complex mathematical problems, other people's behaviour, gravity.

You may be able to alter people's perception by wearing high or stacked heels or coloured contact lenses, but the truth is there is so much we cannot control and the only way to find peace is to learn to accept what is.

So, learn to accept your limitations. We all have them. That is all there is to say.

You can change your view of yourself, you can change your behaviour and you can ultimately change your life, even if it just means changing the way you view your life.

There is a lot within your control, look hard and recognise what is. It will mostly be your behaviour and your reactions.

Maybe you feel inadequate because you never finished college. So go back to school. Start again. Find a way. Make yourself proud. This is all within your control. You just have to find a way.

Life is all about choice. Everything you do is a choice, including whether to be happy or not. As Abraham Lincoln said:

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Sometimes it is hard to see what is within your control and what isn't. Especially if you are struggling with your personal perception of yourself.

Yes, your height may be pre-determined but you can manage your weight and physical fitness.

You may have to listen to your parents' opinions but you can choose not to react if you think they speak nonsense!

If you do not have a God that you believe in, look long and hard inside yourself for the answers, find a good listener and talk to them. Take your time.

Which leads me on to...

Successful people are those that make many mistakes.

Successful people are those that keep trying.

Hopefully you are now commited to raising your self esteem. You have an awareness of how balanced your sense of self worth is. You have also spotted where the imbalances are and what is at the root of them.

OK, so you are still struggling with some of this. That is natural and why so many people talk about 'life's journey' or 'path'. We are always learning and improving ourselves. Human beings learn by making mistakes. The more mistakes you make the greater the chance you give yourself of being a success in life. The important thing is to recognise the mistakes, learn from them and move on.

Yes, this will take effort and you will need motivation to increase your chance of success.

I have a little mantra that I repeat to myself when I find myself drifting off my goals. It is very simple.

Focus, focus, focus.

We are all motivated by promise of reward or fear of something. Find what it is that drives you and keep it in your minds eye. What is your lack of self esteem preventing you from having or what is it giving you? Create a SMART goal and go for it with an action plan.

When you are finding it tough going remember to get your life back in focus and go for that goal.

Find yourself wanting to give up? Think about how those successful people made it. They didn't give up. Go back and look at those people you think are cleverer than you. Are they cleverer or have they just persevered?

You may not be born a genius or someone with natural athletic ability. But there are many ways you can improve your life and how you feel about yourself by knowing you have put the best you can into something.

You haven't put your best into something? Well, today is a great day to start!

Feeling demoralised because your problem is finding your motivation, so you call yourself lazy?

You just haven't found your real motivator yet.

Time to use your imagination. Think of the worst that will happen to you if you don't get on and do what you need to do to improve your self esteem. Find something really bad that scares the hell out of you.

alternately focus on the fantastic rewards you will get if you follow your action plan. Visualise it in all its glorious detail. Make it real in your mind, use all your senses; smell it, taste it, hear it.

What better reward than knowing you will feel great about yourself can there be?

Jacky Tustain
Founder and Owner BeCanDo Life Coaching
BeCanDo Life Coaching