Infidelity and Marriage: How to Know if you Should Spy

Often this can be a powerful urge. You live with the incessant thoughts of where /she is and what s/he is doing. Are they meeting, text messaging, emailing or phoning? And, if they are, what are they saying to each other. What IS the status of their relationship?

This "need to know" is most pressing in particular kinds of affairs.

My experience tells me that if you face a "My Marriage Made Me Do it" or " I Fell out of Love and just love being in love" types of infidelity you have an above average "need to know."

Others, feel the power of this urge less. There is often a tendency in particular kinds of affairs ("I Don't Want to Say No" and "I Want to be Close to Someone, but can't stand intimacy" for example) to not go after the details. You may prefer to ignore some of the acting out behavior. It may seem best not to talk about the sordid details or not to "dig."

The "need to know" brings up the issue of spying. If you are one who has the "need to know" should you spy?
Infidelity and Spying - Crucial Factors

There are several factors to consider, since spying, for most, raises powerful fears and perhaps hopes.

You may refuse to spy because you believe it violates your principles. I often hear this: "I'm not going to stoop that low. Spying goes against my values." That position is to be respected. It is often said by those who have a relatively low "need to know."

Those with a high "need to know" frequently override their values and engage in some form of espionage - and there are numerous ways to spy and ferret out the truth.

Here's an interesting twist. If your spouse is engaged in the deceitful act of infidelity and you spy on him/her, a part of you internally knows that you will be hit by his/her outrage. "How dare you spy on me!" I never thought you would stoop so low! How can I ever trust you?"

I think there's an old Bible verse: Seeing the speck in your brother's eye and not the log in your own eye."

Spying is delicate. If the "need to know" is powerful, should you spy?

Good question. Here's NOT when to spy. Do NOT spy if you want to use the information for revenge or pay back. That most likely will only accelerate the demise of your marriage/relationship and your emotional well-being.
Infidelity and Spying - A Few Key Questions

Spy? If you spy, I want you to think through carefully the process of spying.

Ask yourself these questions:

Please understand we are just touching the surface of all the implications of spying.

Spying certainly can be an important step in discerning the truth and moving the relationship toward constructive resolution. Or, spying can be a disaster, depending on the kind of infidelity you face and your capacity to strategize effectively and cope and use properly your findings.