Infomercial Addiction - Do I Need Rehab?

Have you ever been so exhausted that you can barely get under the sheets on your bed? You finally get under the covers only to realize that the TV is blaring. And, you can't turn it off because the remote is on the chaise lounge underneath the snuggie.

Sigh.

But, 30 minutes later, you are wide awake, snacking on some popcorn and watching the latest gadget, beauty secret, or fitness device on the dreaded INFOMERCIAL.

Can you relate? Are you an Infomercial Addict?

The 800# finally pops up on the screen after 15 minutes of interviews with Chuck Norris, Victoria Principal and 50% of all the Hollywood Stars on the planet (and even some Bollywood actors), life stories about regular folk, an abundance of before and after pictures and free cd infomercial offers.

You try to memorize the 800# instead of simply writing it down because you are in bed and you don't feel like getting a pen and paper. Even though you got out of bed earlier to microwave Orville Redenbacher, to get a glass of grape koolaid and, oh yeah, to grab the remote off of the chaise lounge. You didn't mind gingerly walking from the kitchen to the bedroom with both arms full of snacks and koolaid but gosh forbid that you should have to reach for a pen and paper from the night stand.

So, instead, you snatch that cell phone lying beside you, and make that call as soon as you can before the 800# is no longer displayed on the screen. You make that call since you've seen the gadget about 500 times now and feel assured that it will be around a while and that it must be a bit trustworthy.

After hours of conversation with the sales rep about upsells, Disney tickets, cheap airline ticket clubs, coupon books and on and on, the order is (drumroll), PLACED.

Is this a familiar scenario for somebody out there?

You know, sometimes, I may watch one or more infomercials over and over throughout the night while half asleep. The infomercials begin to blur into my dreams. It's like having hypnagogic hallucinations as I see myself in the infomercials using that fitness device or applying that beauty cream.

My hallucination continues with all of my body fat melting away. As a result, I'm so toned that I have the nerve to wear a bikini on television and no one regurgitates. The fine lines around my mouth and under my eyes have disappeared and my face is TIGHTTT in a very natural way; no facelifts, Botox or Cat Lady up in here.

I envision some of my friends, relatives and co-workers doing a TV interview to declare how young I look, how fit I've become. They tell Montel Williams about my weight-loss struggles, my cupcake addiction, my insomnia and so forth. As tears stream from Montel's eyes, he tells me to come out on the stage and join them. They reiterate over and over, "Girl, you look like you are in your late twenties or early thirties".

My Boy Toy, Derek Luke, is blushing with pride as he sits next to me on Montel's couch, with his arm around my shapely shoulders. I know he's married but this is just my imagination once again, running away with me.

But alas, the alarm clock goes off and I must awaken to start another day. So, I decide to Google the infomercial product to find out what others are saying and to see if I can get a better price than the one shown on TV. Or, when I really want it, I just give in and go to the product's online infomercial to get the convenient and enticing payment plan.

I have ordered that infomercial THING and have begun checking tracking status everyday, sometimes several times a day to make sure there are no unexpected delays. Then, delivery date becomes TODAY. If I'm at home, I anxiously await for the door bell from the Man in Brown! If I'm away, I can't wait to pull up in the driveway and view the beautiful BOX laying on the porch at the front door. (Or, if delivered via DHL, I view a mangled box that's apparently been tossed in the driveway.)

Again, can you relate?

Yes, Ladies and Gents that was a real infomercial not a skit on SNL or Mad TV! I guess I could understand the need if someone has range of motion issues. Butt. I mean, but it doesn't matter because it's no longer available.

My question is how would you carry it if you needed to be out and about? In your purse? In your glove compartment? In the pocket of your cargo pants? I mean, let's be real, the thing looks kind of like a, ummm, vibrating device (trying to keep this PG). And, would that be sanitary?

Can you imagine sitting at the table with your parents at your fave restaurant and that accidentally falls out of your purse? Or, when a police officer wants you to retrieve your insurance verification papers out of the glove compartment, it falls out and the cop pulls out his gun thinking the Comfort Wipe is a weapon! What the Bejeebers?!?!

Remember Matthew Lesko's Free Government Money books or Carleton Sheets' real estate opportunities. In their heydays, one would see them practically every day on TV.

Lesko's thick, really THICK, book is somewhere in a box in my garage. My Carleton Sheets' kit is nicely stored in a cabinet in my office looking like it has never been touched; still in pristine condition. I could've used that money to buy some stilettos. Sigh.

Even though we may not see them on TV as much as we used to, they are still actively selling on their websites:
Carleton Sheets
Matthew Lesko

What if Bravo, VH1 or other reality show reservoirs, had a show for inventors? They could have some contests every week to show the creativeness of the contestants. And, the finalist would get a free infomercial commercial displaying their invention(s) along with $100K towards development, manufacturing or something. I would watch!

Or, the day that Oprah announces that she has an audience full of legit inventors and everyone gets a free infomercial commercial. She starts pointing and saying "You get a free infomercial commercial and you get a free infomercial commercial and ~".

Anyways, that was just a thought.

Am I, the Infomercial Empress, an Infomercial Addict?
Yes, of course. I am captivated by the inventions and ways to add some ease to everyday tasks, to make me healthier, to bring more comfort to my life, and possibly, aid in making me look a bit better and fitter without surgery.

However, the question is, Do I Need Rehab?
A Resounding NO. You'll never catch me on the street corner holding a handmade cardboard sign stating 'Need Food' and using the monies to get the 'Facial Flex' or the latest 'Body by Jake' fitness equipment. (Would buy cupcakes instead, just kidding.) Nor will I starve myself just so that I can buy the 'Kush Support' in lieu of food. Sigh. Believe it or not, I have limitations. QVC is not my pimp. HSN is not my gizmo dealer in the street, down the alley, near the crack house or whatever.

Yes, I live a productive life despite the infomercial temptations. No intervention necessary.