Self Confidence

'I am an just not as good a parent as her' he sighed. My neighbor took another sip from his beer, but it did not seem to taste very well. Over the last half hour he had been telling about his daughter, his ex-wife, the fights, the agony, the unreasonable blaming.

To his dismay, his daughter had cut all contact. Until maybe 4 months ago, she had been still living with him, and suddenly she had decided to go and live with her mother. His ex used to phone him and tell him that his daughter was afraid of him, and that she did not dare to come and visit him on her own.

He was devastated. His daughter was the centre of his life, she was the single most important reason of his existence. And now he had to walk the dog, when she would do her round of distributing leaflets, and hope that he would catch a glimpse of her, and maybe even exchange a word or two.

'What did I do that I deserve this?' he asked, his beer glass still half full. He stared out of the window into the rainy street. It was not the first time we were talking about it, and it certainly would not be the last time I was afraid. Just as him, I did not understand what he had done wrong, I did not grab why his daughter was so rotten to him, and why his ex hated him so much that she tried to alienate his daughter from him in such a thorough manner.

I had known him as a softhearted, pleasant, responsible man, maybe a bit too serious from time to time. His daughter was a pleasant young girl, good-looking, smart, and whenever I had come to their house she had been polite and friendly. I did not know her mother very well, although I did meet her from time to time in the library or the supermarket. She seemed quite pleasant to me, but I never talked long enough to her to actually know her.

I had read lots of books about the effects of divorce, and what struck me most is the fact that often the struggle does not stop after divorce but hardens into an ongoing battle. It seemed that in this case the same was going on.

My mind was racing, what could I say or do. I desperately needed something to make him feel better, I was afraid that he would get in a even worse state. I knew how much his daughter meant to him, and I knew that he was having a very hard time trying to cope with the distance and lack of contact.

He was missing his daughter so badly, I considered talking to her, and tell her what she actually was doing. But after realizing that I would be talking to a teenager, I dismissed the idea as hopeless. I had to find something else. Phone the mother, ask her to talk to the daughter? Not a good idea either I was afraid. No, I realized all these ideas had no chance.

I suddenly remembered a NLP technique a friend of mine had shown me. I actually helped him to edit the text for the book, and I knew he was making training videos at the moment. I knew he was planning to give it all away for free, and I hoped it was still the case. He called it Magic Hats, and I tried to remember as good as I could how the process went.

As my face cleared up, my neighbor looked at me and asked what I was thinking of. He looked a bit offended, as if I was smiling over his misery... I quickly told him about my thoughts, and I asked him if he would want to give it a try. I promised to be at his house the following evening (I don't like to do NLP exercises when people have been drinking). I talked him through the exercise, and I am not sure if it was only that, or that he was feeling better anyway after our chat of the day before, but he seemed very relieved.

2 Weeks later I met him in front of his house, and he told me that his daughter was still not coming to see him, but that he was not bothered bout it so much anymore. He was confident that all would be well over time, and that he just needed to be patient. We are now a month further, and she actually dropped in the other day for a cup of tea. Because he felt so confident and calm, the visit was very enjoyable, and he was sure that she would come to visit soon again.

He told me that he had suddenly realized, that his own attitude was really important in this. If he would be nervous, with a huge lack of self confidence when his daughter was visiting, the atmosphere would be so tense that they would not enjoy the visit, and probably not come back soon. Because of his newly found self confidence, he could offer her a good time, and he was sure that times would change for the better rather soon.

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