Irene Marias story

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Ranked #549 in Me, #74,532 overall

This is a story about life and death

 

The lensphoto shows a happy Maria

I really started to live when I was 52 years old. Up unil then, there were many tears and many hard times. When I was 52 I met the love of my life. The man whom I married and lived a life I did not think possible. Laughter, travels, fun, music and lots of Love. I will tell you more about these happy days but first a little about my background.

I was born in Sweden in Norrkoping since my parents never really wanted me, they were going to give me to a home for children. A married couple in my fathers family heard about me and descided to take me to their home until things had sorted out for my parents. You know - it never did. I stayed with my loving foster parents.

I married a Swedish man, had 3 children and I guess life was rather normal. Since he never really treated me good, I developed Dysthymic Disorder. Much later in life I learned about this and I will share my experiance with you here.

I will also tell you what happened to my Darling husband later. The one I married when I was older. This lens is the first time I can tell the story more detailed. I think you can say it is a kind of therapy for me. I know for sure, that I will never be the same again.....

Dysthymic Disorder what is that? 

chronic depression....

I was diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder 2003. When I started to learn about this sickness, I realized that much of my "strange" behaviour came from this. When I was just 7 years old, the teacher phoned my mother and asked if there was something wrong with me since I had these very clear mood swings. I could be so happy one minute and the other I fell into a hole of darkness inside. My mom never told me this until much later in life. I guess I thought that I was born with a disfunctional mind inside me, and in one way I was right.

My grandfather had been in hospital for treament with electricity because of his troublesome mind. I thought it came in the family but now I am not so sure anymore. Now I have learned that Dysthymic Disorder can develop because of events in your life. It can be that you are married to a man who does not communicate with you normally. It can come from separation from your parents in an early age. You have to read these articles or buy the books to understand. One thing is clear thou - the disorder can differ from person to person.

Dysthymic disorder is chronic. It never goes away although it can be harder or lighter as the years go by. Before the word Dysthymic disorder was founded, people often called it gloominess. And so it is. Some days you have diffculty even to feel happy about anything. It is a constant sadness that affects you hard. If or rather when you have a depression on top of this, the doctors call it "Double depression" because you have two depressions now.

Facts about your gloominess 

There are many different symptoms to look for. You might not recognize them all in the litterature. I did not. But I did find an explanation to some of my hang-ups. For one thing - that I always have been so sensitive to hight sounds. Like a baby´s cry.

Dysthymic Disorder - A Medical Dictionary, Bibliography, and Annotated Research Guide to Internet References

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This book was created for medical professionals, students, and members of the general public who want to conduct medical research using the most advanced tools available and spending the least amount of time doing so.

Release Date: 12/31/1969

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Dysthymic disorder 

With all sicknesses the best you can do is to learn as much as you can about it. Then you know what you are up against and you can understand your own behaviour.

Beating the Blues: New Approaches to Overcoming Dysthymia and Chronic Mild Depression

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"If you need help lifting the veil of gloom and apathy, this is the best concise guide to treating chronic depression I have seen."

Release Date: 12/31/1969

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About Dysthymic Disorder 

Dysthymic Disorder ( or ) is a chronic mood disorder that falls within the depression spectrum, the opposite of hyperthymia. It is considered a chronic depression, but with less severity than major depressive disorder. This disorder tends to be a chronic, long-lasting illness.Hersen, M., Turner, S. M., & Beidel, D. C. (Eds.). (2007). Adult Psychopathology and Diagnosis (5th ed.). Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Dysthymia is a type of low-grade depression. Harvard Health Publications states that, "the Greek word dysthymia means 'bad state of mind' or 'ill humor'. As one of the two chief forms of clinical depression, it usually has fewer or less serious symptoms than major depression but lasts longer."Dysthymia. Harvard Health Publications. Retrieved on December 12, 2009. Harvard Health Publications also says, "at least three-quarters of patients with dysthymia also have a chronic physical illness or another psychiatric disorder such as one of the anxiety disorders, drug addiction, or alcoholism". The Primary Care Journal says that dysthymia "affects approximately 3% of the population and is associated with significant functional impairment". Harvard Health Publications says: "The rate of depression in the families of people with dysthymia is as high as 50% for the early-onset form of the disorder. . . . Most people with dysthymia can't tell for sure when they first became depressed".

Words hurt only if you listen!

Book to learn about Dysthymic Disorder 

This book sheds light on the social and vocational impairments often experienced by those who suffer from chronic depression. Included are in-depth discussions about the course and natural history of dysthymia as well as what is known about the family history of this disorder.

Diagnosis and Treatment of Chronic Depression

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S. A. D. 

Seasonal Affective Dissorder

Are you struggling with the following symptoms?

depression with a fall or winter onset
lack of energy
decreased interest in work or significant acitivities
increased appetite with weight gain
carbohydrate cravings
increased sleep, excessive daytime sleepiness
social withdrawal
afternoon slumps with decreased energy and concentration*
slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
Specific to Seasonal Affective Disorder

If so, you may be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. This disorder was identified and publicized in 1993 by Dr. Norman Rosenthal, Director of Seasonal Studies at the National Institute of Mental Health. Researchers estimate that approximately 17% of people living in the upper latitudes suffer periodic bouts of the winter blues. People who meet full diagnostic criteria for SAD in northern climes is estimated at 8%. Only 2% appear to suffer from SAD in the Sun Belt and those individuals probably avoid going outdoors. Women suffer from SAD three to four times more frequently than do men.
What to do if you are suffering from SAD or "the winter blues":
Light Therapy:
Research tells us that light affects the receptors in the brain that produce serotonin. Serotonin levels affect mood. When an individual lacks full spectrum light, i.e. light which contains the same rainbow colors and near-ultraviolet light of sunlight, low mood or depression can occur. Those of us who reside in the northern regions of the continent receive very little exposure to sunlight due to winter weather and diminished hours of daylight. Light Therapy which involves daily exposure through the eyes to full-spectrum light is indicated. You can get this by going outdoors for approximately 30 minutes or more daily or by exposing yourself to artificially produced full-spectrum light. It has been recommended that exposure to full-spectrum light occur in the mornings in order to avoid wakefulness at night which sometimes can occur to later in the day exposure. You can create your own by using a grow light for plants inserted in a florescent light fixture or you can purchase your own in a price range of $200-$600. Exposure must be unimpaired--windows block out some ultraviolet light. Caution: never look directly at sunlight or any other form of full-spectrum light! When used as recommended, light from a full-spectrum light is not strong enough to cause sun damage to the individual.
*Caution: Individuals with cataracts or other eye problems should exercise caution in using light therapy. It is best to get medical approval before doing so. Individuals suffering from lupus or those with bi-polar disorder suffering a manic phase ought not use light therapy.

Here begins a love story

From the time I met my husband and we were married, I never felt sad, depressed or even gloomy! He changed my whole life into a love-song.
He was the kindest, most understanding friend I ever had. The peace and companionship between us were outstanding. It was like we had known each other for our whole lives.

Photos from our lives 

We lived in Sweden 

We bought an apartment on the seventh floor. The view was fantastic. Since my husband always was interested in airplanes he now could sit on his own balcony with three (3!) airfields all around him. He had the binoculars handy always. One day there were two jets flying low just passing our house. He almost peed his pants of joy!

In our home we had lots of friends coming and going. We often arranged Music-get-to gether when we played and sung. I recorded some of these jam sessions. You can understand that the wallpaper was curly afterwards.

Now and then we chose to be alone a week end. We just had to "book it" so we did stay at home with eachother only. I loved those days so much. We talked, read or just hold hands watching a movie on TV.

Some of my lenses about Sweden 

We travelled in Sweden 

We travelled with our car full of luggage. Tent, accordion, table, chairs and bedding. We often ate at restaurants but we could cook on the camping kitchen if we wanted. In Sweden there is a fantastic law allowing you to stay anywhere you like as long as you follow the rules. So we took advantage of that. But sometimes we stayed at youth hostels too. They are very cheap and often very nice people are guests there.
I have two lenses about the Swedish youth hostels:
Af chapman ship
Boeing 747 as hostel

We also travelled into Norway and Denmark and Finland. We went to Italy, Estonia and the Canary islands Lanzarote and Fuerteventura. A couple of times we went to Canada too. We always had fun and between us were never any stress.

More lenses about Sweden and the Swedes 

The music came back into my life 

When I met and married my husband, something really wonderful happened to me. The music that was dead inside me was resurrected! Yes - it came back. The joy and the happy feeling of music.

My husband played the Pianoaccordion in a way I never heard before. He could also play key board and sing to me! We did not ship the key board to Fuerteventura but we did ship the lovely accordion. The instrument was a van Damme jazz-accordion. And the sound was so soft you could talk while it was playing. Some of the sounds were like a clarinet.

Some restaurants wanted my husband to come and play while people were eating. I loved to watch because he looked so happy. I think that he gladly would have paid to play there, but instead he got money for his performance! Instead of just watching him play, I stared to play a snare drum! haha. well to be honest... I was rather good. And it was the feeling of team work that was so lovely too. I have even made a couple of lenses about music instruments here on Squidoo.

Here are some of the songs we played together 

enjoy you too =)

Here are some of "our" songs. We played then, sung them or just listened to them!

Playing for change 

It makes me smile every time I see these muscicians from all over the world, playing together so skilled

Songs Around The World (CD + DVD)

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Irene Marias Music lenses 

Just some of the music lenses. I have also made some about classic musicians.

More happy days in my life 

We descided to move to the Canary Island Fuerteventura. Since I was a little hesitating, we did not move all our furniture, we kept the apartment in Stockholm and took only the most nessecary things in boxes. The computer and other fragile stuff were packed in a large wooden box. I remember the feeling of shipping things and hoping they arrived where they were supposed to. And, you know, they did arrive. We moved down to the island in the sun and had a fantastic year together.

At first we lived in an apartment in the capital, Puerto del Rosario, but later we bought a house. This house was located in a little fishing village and we had 5 minutes walk down to the black beach. Yes it was black because of the vulcano sand and stones there. Little fishing boats were in the bay.

We had two big terrasses on the roof and love to sit in the swing sofa reading in the sun.

My lens about Fuerteventura 

The white house in the introduction was my home in Fuerteventura. The black beach is there too!

I started to paint too 

Another lovely thing that my positive husband gave me was he stimulated me to paint again. I have painted my whole life but sadness and hard times made it difficult. Now I have some new and some old paintings.

Thanks to a very good friend of mine, I even managed to make a calender for 2009. She asked me to do so and then I just had to paint more in order for me to have 12 acceptable paintings. =D

I made Cafe-press stuff and put my paintings on Zazzle and Squidoo. I have now fallen into some kind of drought but I think it will come back eventually!

I often paint girls looking at or smelling flowers. My husband said I was really just painting myself. I think he was right. I always loved flowers. Wild or cultivated, silk or real. I am a fan indeed.

This girl among the lillies was one of the first I painted in Fuerteventura!

Here are some of the art-lenses 

Some time ago I moved all my painting-lenses to a lensmaster of its own:
Irenemarias painting lenses
I hesitate to call it art. I have not accomplished much ...wish I knew more. And I am not fishing now. I mean it.

The begining of the end

Something is wrong 

The same time as we signed for our home, the house we loved so much, my husband started to feel weird he said. At first we thought it might be lack of water because the summer was unusually hot. But he got worse. He started to think about strange things. It was like the brain was searching for memories I he could not think of. He asked me about events, times or even computer games. But I could not help. The brain ghosts he had were not real.

At the same time he got a sickness. He was very sensitive to smells and tastes. He accused me of baking bad buns even. He was sometimes pale and sat quiet in a chair. Once he experianced a kind of fit. So we descided to go to a doctor at the hospital.

They sent him to a cat scan. And later when the result came we found out that he had a major and big brain tumor on the left side. After biopsy we learned that it was aggressive and bad. A Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor. I saw the ex ray pictures and the whole brain half was filled with a blurry tumor with its surrounding edema.

When the doctor finished talking to us my husband stood up and said: So nothing was wrong then! Good! From this minute forward, I was the one to take command over all things. I understood the seriousness and I had to make all the descicions what to do, when to do them and where to go. I dont think I have ever before been so scared.

What is GMB? 

my story

Read my own lens about this awful tumor. It is always growing and you die.

Glioblastoma Multiforme brain tumor is described 

In a calm way the doctor here describes the horror of this tumor

Histopathology Brain-- Glioblastoma multiforme

Histopathology Brain-- Glioblastoma multiforme

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curated content from YouTube

Read or write or remember things - all gone 

Very quickly we went to Madrid for Radio therapy. They said it would stop the tumor from growing further. In that time my Darling husband could still talk, walk or even enjoy a movie on TV. We were there for 7 weeks and the radiation was every day.

In the meantime, I had read about and done research about what we were up to. I stayed in an internet cafe to do this. I slowly found that the Glioblastoma Multiform is a killer. Even if you can survive a little longer, life is bad and full of pain. Some patients have pain and need strong medicine, Other get attacks and fall on the ground. Since my husbands tumor was on the left side just behind the ear, he lost his memory, ability to read or write or understand rather quickly. He did not have any pain thou.

In order to strengthen him as much as possible we got Homeopatic medication that costed us a fortune. I sold the apartment in Stockholm, I used up all savings. But we bought it and went home to Fuerteventura again. Since the edema around the tumor was so large, he had to eat cortisone - and lots of it. Now he started to loose muscles and strength. He was so sad about that. He always was the kind of man that was full of energy and litterary jumping up and down often. No he could hardly take a walk around the house any more. So I got him a wheel chair. In the beginning he pushed it ahead but eventually he had to be pushed.

One of the sadest moments was when he realized that he no longer remembered to play music. He packed the accordion a last time.

Nothing will stop this tumor from growing! 

After some months he started chemo therapy too. But besides getting sick there were nothing that changed really. He got weaker and weaker and finally he ended up in bed all the time. A couple of times he tried to walk around but fell on the floor and I could not lift him up. Our fantastic friends came to our aid.

His right hand was now shaking all the time and his eyes were dim. He could not speak or express his feelings at all. In a way it was a blessing that he never understood that he was really sick. Well - One day he made me understand that he wanted his waist bag. I brought it. I spread out all his cards and personal items on the bed and said "Finished!" There I think he knew that he was on his way to die. I hold him and cried with him.

Later I had to feed him because he dropped the food because of his shaking hand. He loved to drink orange juice too. I tried to have music on in the room since I know how much it affected him in a positive way. Accordin music and other songs I know he liked. In Spain there is nothing called home care. I had to care for him in all ways on my own. Thanks to our friends it was not alone totally. They came with food and comfort or just visited him and me. Some of them on a regular basis so I could do some shopping and other things outside the home.

One Thuesday evening he died in my arms.

So this loving, kind man was gone. He died peacefully in his own bed. I think that the year before he died and to see him go down like this, that killed me too. I will never be the same until I see him again!

I ended up with a double depression. Am slowly coming up to the surface now....

Learn about the enemy 

To learn as much as you can about your sickness is a help. You know what you are up against and you know what can happen.

One thing I have learned is that nobody survive a Glioblastoma Multiforme brain tumor. To live a little longer with no memory, nothing to say or understand.....is not good.

Glioblastoma Multiforme 

Thallion to close phase-II trial of TLN-4601for glioblastoma multiforme due to ...
Thallion Pharmaceuticals Inc announced that it will close its phase-II trial evaluating TLN-4601 as a treatment for glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) due to a ...
Protein Link May Be Key to New Treatment for Aggressive Brain Tumor
Glioblastoma multiforme (GBM), the type of malignant brain tumor that killed the late US Sen. Edward Kennedy, is difficult to treat because it spreads ...
Thallion Discontinues Phase II Glioblastoma Multiforme Trial After Review of ...
Thallion Pharmaceuticals Inc. (TSX:TLN) today announced that it will close its Phase II trial evaluating TLN-4601 as a treatment for glioblastoma multiforme ...
Concerns about anti-angiogenic treatment in patients with glioblastoma multiforme
The relevance of angiogenesis inhibition in the treatment of glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) should be considered in the unique context of malignant brain ...

Back where I started from 

Norrköping

After he died, I sold the house. I thought about staying in Fuerteventura, I thought about moving to my daughter in Ethiopia, I thought about moving back to Sweden again. Since our apartment was sold now I had nothing to move back to.

My oldest sun talked me into coming to his city - Norrköping. That was where I once was born! Amazing so things can turn out. I moved to Norrköping with some boxes. Left everything again, the house, the furniture and many other things.

I have completely lost my will to do so much. I must tell you that Squidoo saved my sanity! I have been working with lenses, thinking about new ways to improve them and of course do my painting. Squidoo has been the best therapy for me so far. I am busy at the computer almost every day. I am also in contact with my friends all over the world, especially those in Fuerteventura.

And yes - I did bring the accordion with me to Sweden!

If you can benefit from my story - then it is not told in vane.

The Kiss

If there is anything you want to say - say it here 

questions? suggestions? comfort?

I know that my story is not so unique. Many of you have lost a loved one to death. But only those among you who did know, that when he/she dies - YOU DIE TOO a bit.

I dont expect to feel normal any more in this old world.

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  • Reply
    Sep 26, 2009 @ 2:49 am
    Brought tears to my eyes. A beautiful love story indeed. This lens is radiant. 5* and favorite, lensrolled to karmasstory. With love, Darcie
  • Reply
    sandralynnsparks sandralynnsparks Sep 22, 2009 @ 6:35 am
    Irene Maria,

    I have lensrolled this to my lenses on The Madwoman Project and Redefining Joy. I came looking for Ethiopian Food (thank you for that, too! I have moved to an area where I'll have to cook my own!) and found something that is so much more important to me, heartwise - finding ways to deal with mood disorders and related illnesses. Wonderful lens...
  • Reply
    Curvesarein Curvesarein Sep 8, 2009 @ 10:51 am
    Maria,
    I enjoyed reading your story, but sad to see it's ending. We both hang on to our hope of seeing loved ones again in the new world. John 5: 28.29. We know we will be fully happy again. I suffer from depression, anxiety disorder and bipolar 2 and a few other things, but have not gone through such a loss as you have, but many other losses. Hope to get to know you better on Helping Friends.
  • Reply
    hotbrain hotbrain Aug 24, 2009 @ 12:12 pm
    Hi again :) I added your story to the lensroll for my new lens on How I cope with depression.
    I hope my readers enjoy your story as much as I did!
    Thank you!
    HB
  • Reply
    blue22d blue22d Aug 20, 2009 @ 10:19 am
    Thank you Irene for this wonderful lens. You have opened your heart to us. You truly have a gift in your art and in your heart. Continue on with that "smile" that I love to see in your photo. I wanted to reference this lens but some where that I could find it and now I know. Because of your smile and heart I will lensroll it to my lens: Smile Smiley. Oh, yes, congrats to having over 100 lenses. You go girl!
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by Irenemaria


Hello all! I live in Sweden. Of course my lenses are influenced by that but also some of my interests are reflected in them. I love music in many for...

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