Is Marriage Outdated?

When I turned on the computer today, a featured article on my home page not only caught my attention - I actually read the whole thing. In her article, "On Marriage: Let's Call The Whole Thing Off," Author Sandra Tsing Loh confesses that she is ending her twenty year marriage. She's just too tired and too busy to "work" at saving the marriage, feeling that she can not authentically re-capture the honeymoon days of twenty years ago amid a messy house and a cluttered life. Loh feels that she cannot take on another self-improvement project at this time in her life in the interest of saving the marriage.

Before you start throwing stones at either of us, please take the time to read her article. If you're a baby boomer who grew up during the feminist movement, you're likely to "get it" whether you agree or not. If you're divorced, single or in a "stale" marriage, you're likely to be open-minded. If you are in a "happy" traditional marriage, it's likely that you'll have strong opinions to the contrary. You might want to stop right here and visit another lens.

Loh makes many valid points as to why we might want to take a look at whether traditional marriage is necessary or even benefical to most of us today.

The feminist movement did its best to create a social climate that accepted a woman's choice to remain single. Remember the t-shirts that said, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle?" We don't need the assistance of a man to take care of ourselves and we certainly don't need one to be happy and fulfilled.

We've made a lot of progress, but my personal experience indicates that we should be a lot further along. Some of the strongest women in business and the arts I know will put up with behavior from their men that they would never put up with in their working or social lives. They vent their frustration and make plans to leave but when separation becomes a reality, all is forgiven - until the next time. They are afraid of loneliness, and if finances are an issue they fear that they will not be able to make it on their own without his income. While these can also be issues for men, they are less likely to hang out because they'd miss her income. Instead, some men stay due to a fear of being "taken to the cleaners" if they divorce.

During my career as a child welfare worker, I observed that the majority of women who did not regain custody of their children placed a higher priority on having a man in their lives over having their children at home - even if he endangered their children.

I used to feel that with the exception of cases of domestic violence, the divorce rate was on the rise because divorce had become more socially acceptable. Since divorce had become easier and financial support was less of an issue, people were not as willing to "work" on their marriages. Women can now support themselves and are no longer dependent upon the "breadwinner." After being in one horrible, abusive marriage and in several long-term relationships that did not fufill my needs, my opinion has changed. Now that my children are grown and after fifteen years of being single, I feel that marriage isn't worth the bother. I won't be doing it again unless he's 99 years old with an enlarged heart and has about eight million dollars in the bank.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not against marriage. Even though my first marriage was not good, we had three beautiful sons and I do have fond memories of the few good times we spent as a family. In fact, at the time that's all I wanted - a normal, happy family. My abuser made a point of telling me how worthless I was on a daily basis, but he couldn't even give me something that simple. So, who was the real failure?

I strongly feel that children need both of their parents, but do they necessarily have to live under the same roof? Depressed and dissatisfied parents can inadvertently create depressed and dissatisfied children. Happy and fulfilled parents living apart can be far more positive role models to their children. In a culture where divorce and joint custody have permeated all economic classes, coming from a "broken home" is no longer a stigma for our children. I'm not sure that the term is even used anymore.

Loh shares in her article that although she had always been "committed to monogamy," there was a point in her marriage where this somehow fell apart. We all know people who are natural and habitual cheaters and don't think much of them. My first husband cheated on me throughout our twelve year marriage and had affairs with several of my female friends. We probably know just as many who never planned or intended to be unfaithful and were taken by surprise when a situation presented itself. Some even believed that they had happy marriages until that day came along. We promise to take another as our spouse until death us do part will all the best of intentions, but there is no guarantee that we won't end up messing up sometime in the future.

People are complicated. There are many ways of assessing compatibility, from astrology to birth order theory to dating services. I'm fascinated with a theory that Loh cites in her article by Helen Fisher, a women's cult figure and an anthropologist. Fisher argues that falling in and out of love - is determined by our hormones and that humans are programmed not for lifelong monogamy, but for serial monogamy. She outlines four basic personality types that determine who we are attracted to:

"The Explorer - the libidinous, creative adventurer who acts "on the spur of the moment." Operative neurochemical: dopamine.

The Builder - the much calmer person who has "traditional values." The Builder also "would rather have loyal friends than interesting friends," enjoys routines, and places a high priority on taking care of his or her possessions. Operative neurotransmitter: serotonin.

The Director - the "analytical and logical" thinker who enjoys a good argument. The Director wants to discover all the features of his or her new camera or computer. Operative hormone: testosterone.

The Negotiator - the touchy-feely communicator who imagines "both wonderful and horrible things happening" to him- or herself. Operative hormone: estrogen, then oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the hormone that is said to create an actual addiction to people and is a major factor that prevents a victim from leaving his/her abuser. Fisher's study revealed that while Explorers tend to be attracted to Explorers and Builders tend to be attracted to Builders, Directors are attracted to Negotiators, and vice versa. Attraction does not necessarily indicate that this is the person we should be with. It can take years, even decades, of living together for a couple to realize that they are incompatible. Unbalanced matches eventually cause the conflict that creates an unhappy marriage ending in divorce.

I think comedian Chris Rock
said it best in one of his standup routines. "When you meet someone for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

Incompatible values and goals - as well as hopes and dreams - also create conflict. In this fictional example, I've used traditional male/female spousal roles for simplicity but these could easily be reversed. A woman is an incredible dancer and artist. Her husband is also a creative genius. She would be happy spending her days teaching classes and making music with him. He feels that they need to work hard and scrimp and save to buy material things - and he demands that she get a "real" job towards this end. He does not see her work as valid because it barely pulls in enough to be considered income. After months of arguing, she finally takes a boring nine to five job that leaves her no time or energy to continue teaching classes and eventually stops. She gives up her dream and one day many years later she looks at him and the big house he made her work for and wishes they'd both be struck by a tornado. She files for divorce and fears that it may be too late to pursue those dreams, and she resents him for the rest of both of their lives. Til death us do part, indeed.

Americans both marry and divorce at the highest rates in the world. Loh cites Andrew J. Cherlin's controversial "marriage-go-round" in her article. Cherlin notes that religious Americans are more likely to divorce. He states that the reason for this paradox is that we hold two conflicting values at once - a culture of marriage and a culture of individualism. While three out of four Americans believe that marriage is for life, only one in four believe that one should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. Cherlin also points out that single parenting in itself is not harmful to children, but parents constantly coupling with new partners can be very damaging.

I think that we really want to believe in marriage with all the trappings from the white dress and wedding cake all the way on to grandchildren and the golden wedding anniversary. In my work with the elderly, I still get a few glimpses of this and wonder whether I'm looking at the last of a dying era. But our daily lives, our society and our culture have changed since th

Perhaps we need to re-think the purpose of marriage and the values we attach to it. Our culture is not likely to move backwards and continues to evolve at a mind-boggling pace.

This is one of those issues like "Nature vs. Nurture," an argument that could go on until the end of time without a clear answer. But I'll continue anyway....

Should we let go of the idea that marriage is a lifelong commitment? Would we all be happier if we began viewing marriage as something that suits us for a certain period of time in our lives without any attachment to the outcome? Should we get married only if we want children?

Perhaps we should adapt the pagan practice of handfasting instead. Vows may be taken for a year and a day, for a lifetime, for all eternity or for "as long as love shall last." This certainly makes more sense than what we're doing now. The ritual, very similar to a wedding, is viewed as more of a spiritual commitment than a legal one, and whether or not the ceremony is legally binding is up to the couple. Many pagan clergy are licensed by their county or state to perform marriages, or the couple may follow the ritual with a traditional civil ceremony.

I suppose that if we change the way we marry, we'd also have to change tax laws, social security benefits and all the things that those who are working toward legalizing gay marriage are fighting for. In fact, we could quite possibly eliminate the argument altogether.

Well, there you go. Problem solved!

When I tried to find related lenses to add here, the Squidoo search engine returned 988 lenses. I got as far as page thirteen before giving up. All of the lenses up to that point are about selling some product on how to save your marriage, spice up your relationship, stop divorce or deal with the courts.

Take a look at the Google ads on this page. "Stop Divorce." "Save Your Marriage."
If you've ever used Google Adsense, you know that they are pulled in based on content. Apparently Google doesn't have a clue as to what this lens is about. Placing ads on my lens for dating services that measure compatibility would make more sense, but I haven't seen one yet. (Well, maybe now that I've added this blurb I will. Stay tuned).

These search results and ads seem to support the fact that we have only a 50/50 chance - or possibly less - of our marriage succeeding.

Quoted By Will Rogers (1879-1935)
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain't. That would also make the preachers financially independent like it has the lawyers.

Quoted by Chris Rock, comedian
When you meet someone for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

Quoted By Joan Crawford, American actress
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

Quoted By Katherine Hepburn, American actress
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Quoted By Warren Beatty, American actor
For me, the highest level of sexual excitement is in a monogomous relationship.

Quoted By Cyril Connolly
The dread of loneliness is greater than the dread of bondage, so we get married.

Quoted By Rita Rudner, comedienne
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Quoted By Zza Zza Gabor
I know nothing about sex because I was always married.

Quoted By Lizz Winstead, Co-creator Daily Show, The Man Show
I think...therefore, I'm single.

Quoted By Cher
The trouble with women is that they get all excited about nothing...and then marry him!

Quoted By Gordon B. Hinckley, Pres. LDS Church (The Mormons)
The fact is that it is predominantly men who bring about the conditions that lead to divorce. I plead with the men of this Church to look for and nurture the divinity that lies within their companions.

Quoted By Henry Youngman, comedian
The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.

See more great quotes at:
Womansavers.com

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