Can this really be cancer?

I woke up in pain in the right side of my abdomen on November 12th 2009. I was use to random pains and I figured it would go away. When I woke up the next morning to get my kids on the bus the pain was horrible. I felt it from my right side to my left and I could barely walk. My father had to assist me in getting the kids on the bus while I tried to hold back my tears. When 8 am rolled around I made a quick phone call to get seen by the same doctor as before. My pcp wasn't going to be in this week so I wanted someone that I had at least seen once.

I went in that morning at 9:25 am. I was in the waiting room for an hour with pain that was lessened by sitting down. When they finally called me in I stood up and began to cry as I tried to make my way into the doctor's exam room. They offered me a wheelchair, but I quickly denied it. I had already lost most of my dignity by shedding tears in public, I wasn't going to be babied because of this.

After a few tests she decided to have me do an ultrasound to see if I had an ovarian cyst rupture. She thought that maybe this was causing my pain, but she mentioned that I should be feeling better after a rupture. That didn't make much sense to me, but i'm no doctor. Thankfully she had me an appointment for the very next day at 8:30 AM. Unfortunately that wasn't her only news. She had ordered me a shot for pain and nausea. My fault for mentioning that I felt a little sick. It was bad enough to be getting one shot, but a second one was just horrid. Fortunately the nurse was gentle and the shot wasn't too awful. I was feeling groggy and had to sleep it off and didn't feel normal for 24 hours after the shots. Normally that wouldn't bother me, but I have two kids to take care of during this.

I spent my weekend with a nasty cough and I had to drag myself back in to the same doctor on November 16th 2009. I was sure I had bronchitis since I get it a few times a year. I didn't go and see my normal pcp since I was secretly hoping that my ultrasound results were in. After the usual sick check up she asked me if I was allergic to antibiotics and said she wanted to check me also for walking pneumonia. I told her no allergies and mentioned that I had that previously. Yeah I get sick a lot since I have two kids in school. She logged into the computer at her desk and checked my history to make sure that I didn't show positive for walking pneumonia too recently since it could show positive if I had.

I watched her as she kept reading the screen. I didn't think much about it and didn't even have the ultrasound on my mind. She finally spoke up and mentioned that the results were in. My nervousness finally kicked in after she got quiet again. After she finally spoke the words that came out of her mouth were alien to me. She mentioned something about a thickening of my endometrial cavity. That went over my head since I had no clue what that meant. Then she got quiet again. I wasn't too anxious, but I was definitely waiting on the words "everything is great".

When she spoke again she said there was a nodular mass on my cervix. She then said it may be benign. My head was spinning after that. I said to her in a shaky voice "benign" means tumor. Most of the conversation is lost with me. I just couldn't deal with anything after that. She did say that my ovaries are fine which I guess is a consolation prize.

She took me out of the room so I could have blood work done to check for walking pneumonia. I was a zombie as I walked out of there. All I wanted to do was cry. I barely noticed the fact that I had a needle in my arm drawing blood after that. I called my parents once I got back into the room to wait on the results. My mom was all chipper about it saying that she had the same problem and had a hysterectomy to remove her cervical cancer. I didn't know it at the time, but she was just one of the 5 women on her side that has no uterus or cervix. They've all been through it and survived. I am hoping that I will be one of the survivors.

When I was waiting in the exam room for my blood work results I just sat there and cried my eyes out. I had to get all this pain out of me. I wanted to scream so badly, but I didn't want people running in and seeing me act like a baby. All I could do was open my mouth and let out a silent scream. I did that twice and it felt good to get it out. I didn't have too long to recover from the shock, but I did pull myself together a little bit before the doctor came back with at least some good news. I'm negative for walking pneumonia, but she's treating me for bronchitis and a sinus infection. At this point I'm not even phased. This is nothing compared to what I'm going through emotionally. She gave me the print out of what my results were from my ultrasound. I skimmed over it a little since I just couldn't really take in everything.

She wanted to help me by making an appointment for me to see my gynecologist. I wanted to do it myself since I am an adult and could at least do that much today. She wanted me to get seen as soon as possible so I can have some peace of mind if things turned out ok. I really do hope that everything will be ok.

I didn't realize it, but my mom had told my son's dad about what happened. Part of me didn't want to tell him. I wanted to keep this bottled up inside so I wouldn't have to cry again. When I got back home he was there with our son since I couldn't be there when he got off the bus.

I broke down crying as soon as the three of us were alone. I knew that I should of held things in since my son was there, but he's only four years old and doesn't understand what's going on. I held my son to me and just hugged him as much as I could. He gave me a bunch of kisses to make me feel better. I set him down and then held on to his father for a moment. I cried so hard at that moment. It felt really good to hold on to my son and then him. I needed some human contact badly. He was really helpful and offered to take off from work to help me with the kids, but I told him that I would be ok. All I asked for was ten minutes alone so I could get calmed down. My little girl was getting off the bus soon and I had to get myself together.

My appointment is made to see the gynecologist. As soon as I mentioned the nodular mass they scheduled me in to be seen the next day. I'm scared to death. That's all I can really say about it. So many questions about what will be said or done. None can be answered until I'm there and face to face with the gynecologist. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

My life has to go on. We needed groceries and I needed to be around strangers to keep myself from breaking down again. My grandmother watched my daughter as my dad took me and my son grocery shopping. I wasn't really feeling up to going out since I am sick and still in pain, but I had to do something.

I walked around feeling like a zombie as we went through the motions of grocery shopping. Everywhere I looked people were there and living their lives. I felt horrible and nobody around me knew. How could they be so oblivious to my pain and suffering? Deep down I knew the answer to that question, but I wasn't thinking rationally at the time.

I was glad that the shopping was finally done after about an hour of walking around in pain. I felt very dizzy and my head was beginning to hurt. The ride home I tried to bring some humor by making jokes. I'm not that great at jokes, but my dad has a great sense of humor so there wasn't too much suffering in that process.

Once I got back home and the groceries were put up and the food was ate I began to feel the denial.

My first phase of denial has been short and sweet. Last night I did some online research about Cervical cancer and the more I read the more I was sure I couldn't have it. I tried looking up things related to what the sheet told me. I didn't have the sheet of paper with me. The dreaded thing was pinned on my refrigerator and out of my sight at the moment. I wasn't looking up the term "mass". I didn't want to think about that word. In my mind that screams "tumor". I finally had to give up on searching for answers after my migraine had drained me of all my will. I am writing about this the day after and that migraine is still there and pounding up a storm in my head.

I finally got to sleep at about 2 am last night and it felt great. My mind was at ease even though I was in pain. When I woke up at 7:20 am I didn't think too much about my appointment today. Thankfully it was hours away and I could get some sleep before then and shake off the migraine. I had to get my daughter up and ready for school this morning. Once I got her on the bus and had my back turned to it and was walking up the driveway, then I began to feel everything once more. I still haven't cried since last night. I wanted to so bad once I got back inside. I have to be strong during this, but all I want to do right now is lay in bed and cry until there is no more tears. Even as I'm writing this my tears are trying to come. I have to be strong. Maybe if I keep saying that I might listen.

I am trying hard to hold myself together. In a few minutes I have to get my son up and ready for his school bus. It's so hard to hold back tears when he's around. My little man loves to hug and kiss me when I'm not feeling well. He's definitely going to be the man of the house when he gets older. He's a strong little boy and has fought for his life since he was born. He's stronger than I am. I just hope that I can be there for him as he grows up and becomes a man.

I am so glad that I now have peace of mind. The doctor said it was a nabothian cyst. Harmless little thing that is not causing my pain. He's not really sure why I am still hurting, but good news is better than bad.