Steam Powered R2 Unit 

Han Solo Frozen in a Chocolate 

If Darth Vader had any taste he would have encased Han in Cadbury chocolate instead of that Ugnaught manfactured Carbonite.

I'm sure Jabba would have paid tens times as much.

Go here for the "instructable" on how to make your own Han Solo in Carbonite chocolate bar.

Han Soloisms for Everyday Life 

• 15. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
  
  When to say it: When you get a bad feeling, obviously
  
  Had Han Solo been the only character to speak this line in the entire series, it definitely would have been much higher on the list. In reality, sadly, the line is present in every single Star Wars film, thus downplaying its importance as a method of character development, instead turning it into a device that allows George Lucas to wink at the audience. It's a cute line, but it's not distinctly Han Solo.
  
  
  
• 14. "Had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine, we're all fine, here, now, thank you. How are you?"
  When to say it: When your cell phone signal begins to break up
  
  Granted, this is a Star Wars quote which will almost immediately get recognized as a Star Wars quote -- hopefully, you'll never find yourself in a real life situation where you have to use the term "weapons malfunction." Still, though, if you've got to go through the typically banal "wait, you're breaking up - can you hear me?" conversation with a friend over your phone, why not throw in a Han Solo quote for good measure? Pretty much everything Harrison Ford says in the series is gold - in everyday life, one should always be searching for methods, no matter how forced, to speak the words of Han Solo.
  
  
  
• 13. "No, no, NO. THIS one goes THERE, THAT one goes THERE."
  
  When to say it: When working on a project with a partner
  
  This particular quote won't make you look particularly cool or Han Solo-ish, but if you use this quote on someone and they recognize it as what Han yells to Chewie at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back, marry them. Immediately. Doesn't matter what gender they are.
  
  
  
• 12. "Great, kid. Don't get cocky."
  
  When to say it: When a friend accomplishes something
  
  As much as you like your friends, you can't give them too much credit: genuine enthusiasm from one friend to another is generally a trait only shared by women, and Han Solo is decidedly not a woman (in fact, his penis could probably break concrete). You can only use this line (or lines like it) for only so long towards your friends - one must be careful to stay in the realm of "lovable asshole" and not crossover into "outright asshole" territory. You want your friends to stay your friends, regardless of how much you may want to mock their accomplishments.
  
  
  
• 11. "Never tell me the odds!"
  When to say it: When gambling
  
  If anything, a decision to not know the odds when gambling seems like lunacy. Logic would dictate that if you bet on a boxing match, you'd damn well better know the spread, right? Well, not if you want to look like a bad-ass, you don't. Refusing to hear the odds when gambling is so blatant a mistake, so obvious a screw-up, that the other gamblers around you will have no choice but to seriously consider what you hope to accomplish by insulating yourself from the odds. Some of the more nervous men, influenced by your steadfast refusal to play by the rules, may change their bets. Their changed bets will influence others to change bets, and, before you know it, your one line of Han Solo dialogue has completely reversed the spread. And if, by chance, your boxer of choice should actually win, then you will be viewed as a gambling prodigy - a man with an unconventional, unbeatable system who knows exactly what he is doing. And as is the case with so many of these Han quotes, seeming to know what you're doing is a lot more important than actually knowing what you're doing.
  
  
  
• 10. "Yeah, I'll bet you have."
  
  When to say it: When an intergalactic bounty hunter tells you he's been waiting a long time to bring you in
  
  But after you say it, MAKE SURE TO SHOOT FIRST. Even if you somehow manage to "dodge" his blaster shot and return fire in self-defense, it will look nowhere near as cool as if you'd just taken the initiative and blasted the sonofabitch before he knew what hit him. Honestly, what kind of moron would even consider not having Han shoot first?
  
  
  
• 9. "Here's where the fun begins."
  
  When to say it: When you're about to enter a dangerous situation
  
  The purposes of this quote are twofold: firstly, it gives a greater sense of gravitas to whatever situation you are about to undertake. Even if it's something as simple as getting called to your boss's office, or taking an off-road shortcut on the way home, this quote alone will make the event seem much more dramatic and cool. Secondly, having made the event seem much cooler and more dangerous than it actually is, this quote will make the speaker seem that much more skilled, self-assured and bad-ass in the context of the event.
  
  
  
• 8. "You know, sometimes I amaze even myself."
  
  When to say it: Anytime
  
  This is pretty much the catch-all arrogant wise-ass phrase to use whenever you do something worthy of congratulation. And if you consider yourself an arrogant wise-ass, then everything you do is worthy of congratulation.
  
  
  
• 7. "What an incredible smell you've discovered!"
  
  When to say it: Anytime you smell something awful
  
  When showing disgust, one has to show repulsion and righteous indignation without seeming like a complete and utter pansy, which is where this quote comes into play. Han is obviously not happy that Leia convinced him to jump down a garbage chute, but at the same time, he's not running around, whining and crying over the fact that he's knee-deep in human fecal matter. The "incredible smell" line serves as the perfect balance of arrogant irritation and bad-ass indifference to use when someone lets out a particularly gruesome fart.
  
  
  
• 6. "Laugh it up, fuzzball."
  
  When to say it: When a fat/hairy person laughs at you
  
  Again: not outright whiny and confrontational, but this line lets everyone know that you mean business and that you're tired of their crap. Nobody would dare ignore an insult as unconventional-yet-harsh as "fuzzball," but they also wouldn't start a fight over it.
  
  
  
• 5. "Wonderful girl. Either I'm going to kill her, or I'm beginning to like her."
  
  When to say it: When talking about a woman you're attracted to
  
  It's okay to show attraction to a woman, but not unqualified attraction. It's okay to show that you would very much like to date a girl you've just met, but only so long as you remember to state that you don't really like her that much. Guys who show unqualified attraction to potential mates usually end up as the schmoes who get screwed over when push comes to shove ("push," in this case, being a synonym for "woman," while "shove" is a synonym for "musician"). Not to mention that if the girl hears you use this line, her curiosity will be piqued: why does he like me? Why does he want to kill me? Such curiosity will lead her to talk to you more frequently in a teasing attempt to get you to reveal what you really think about her. So long as you never reveal the truth, the teasing will make way for flirting, and the flirting will more than likely make way for astounding amounts of unprotected sex.
  
  
  
• 4. "How we doin'?"
  
  "Same as always."
  
  "That bad, huh?"
  
  When to say it: When asking someone about their day
  Ah, world-weariness. The idea that you've seen everything, done everything and had sex with everything, and yet you still consider life to be generally disappointing and awful. When using a quote like this, people will wonder why you're so world-weary, and, if you don't tell them, you'll seem to have some sort of dark and mysterious past that you never talk about, despite the reality that you spent most of your childhood eating Cheetos and watching Thundercats. Is there a more wonderfully cynical, yet strangely attractive worldview to have? I think not.
  
  
  
• 3. "I've seen a lot of strange stuff, but I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
  When to say it: During a debate on religion
  
  It doesn't matter if you actually believe in God; you have to use this quote in a debate on religion. It's specific and useful enough to not necessarily seem like a Star Wars quote, and it's got just the right amount of pseudo-philosophy and world-weary ranting to make you seem infinitely cooler than the other person in the debate. Yeah, you've been around. You've seen the world. You know what it has to offer. And, you know what? None of it impresses you. You are in charge of your life. God? Psh. Who needs him? Granted, after the debate is done you may need to go home and pray for twenty straight minutes as a method of apologizing to your deity of choice, but the important thing is that, to the guy you argued against, you look like a total bad-ass who remains completely unafraid of Jehovah's wrath.
  
  
  
• 2. "Hey... it's me!"
  
  When to say it: When someone tells you to "be careful"
  
  Who are they to doubt you? Hey, it's you! If you weren't the careful, clever guy you were, you'd be dead by now. You don't need expressions of worry - you're too cool for that. Admittedly, right after Han says this in ROTJ he steps on a twig and alerts every stormtrooper in the vicinity to his presence, but ignore that for now.
  
  
  
• 1. "I love you."
  
  "I know."
  
  When to say it: Duh
  
  If you use this line at least once in your lifetime, you can die a happy man. It is the epitome of everything Han Solo stands for: cocky and bad-ass, yet sincere. It's rumored that George Lucas (though he didn't direct Empire Strikes Back, or even write its screenplay) wanted Han to tell Leia that he "loved her too," but Harrison Ford demanded that the current version of the line we all adore so very much. Solo's final line to Leia before getting his shit carbonite-frozen is, bar-none, the greatest moment in the entire Star Wars saga.
  
  Not to mention that if you use this line on a woman who is legitimately expressing love for you, it will drive her nuts. If there's one thing women love - other than musicians - it's having strong feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate them (especially if the person in question is a musician). If you respond to "I love you" with "I love you, too," you're essentially begging the woman to lose interest in you. Making an arrogant, not-quite reciprocation of that love that hints at possible affection without outright stating it is the most intelligent thing you can possibly do; it keeps the mystery up, it keeps you in control and you keep your dignity intact.
  
  Han Solo knows this. That's why he's Han Solo.
  
  Source

Impress the chicks!* 

* Provided that the chicks you know are easily impressed.

Han Solo as Stormtrooper (Star Wars Episode IV) Life-Size Standup Poster

Amazon Price: (as of 10/07/2008)

R2D2 Mailboxes 

The rumors are no more! Feast your eyes on what will soon be popping up at local United States Post Offices!

As reported here earlier, the USPS will be helping Star Wars celebrate its 30th anniversary. Stay tuned for more as we get

it, right here at TheForce.net.

In the meantime, click away on these super cool R2-D2 wrapped mailboxes. I want one for the end of my driveway!

Special thanks to the Nuclear Ferret for the images.

How many of these will be captured by Jawas and sold for scrap? What farmboy is going to get a letter originally addressed to a crazy old man?

Source

Star Wars Timeline 

Star Wars Books

Fans of the Star Wars fictional universe keep track of the dates of key events with a dating system (or calendar) reckoned at the Battle of Yavin featured in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. In this dating system, BBY stands for Before the Battle of...

Ray Park is The Man! 

Was the Death Star Destruction an Inside Job? 

We've all heard the "official" story of the destruction of the Death Star. However, recent evidence indicates we may not be getting the whole story. This article presents several uncomfortable questions that throw the official theory into doubt, and point to the possibility that the destruction of the Death Star may have been an inside job.

We've all heard the "official conspiracy theory" of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we've all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many citizens of the Empire, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.

Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack

1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station's large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn't?

6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to "bullseye womprats" on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be "impossible, even for a computer." Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader's son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader's teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

Source

Star Wars Bunnies 

Star Wars in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

Go here to watch it now!

End Credits 

Okay, it didn't take nearly as long between issues this time. Maybe I'm on a roll!

Only time will tell.

Use the form below to leave feedback and catch you all in the next week or two.

RebelPilot Editor aka Glen
www.rebelpilot.net ~~~~:>o<:

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flaminglacer More please! Posted November 29, 2007

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