James Bay Babbler

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Image Credit: Queen Victoria caricature - picture-book.com - userimage 2076u

The Association of Ambitious Astonishers' Environment and Safety Committee has issued an urgent warning to all residents of James Bay to be wary of any wandering weirdos in the neighborhood, especially during "The Year of the Dragon" (which begins on January 23, 2012).

In a press release issued on January 1, they remind residents "to be on the look out for any suspicious serpents blowing smoke rings in the air for no apparent reason, any horrid homo-sapiens singing "Puff the Magic Dragon" around a campfire, or any creepy creatures toasting weiners, marshmallows, or chestnuts over an unauthorized open fire on popular private or publically-owned Dallas Road beach front properties."

A spokesperson for the AAA recommends that if residents are accosted by any reptilian rascal or rogue fitting the above descriptions that they should immediately contact the city's bylaw enforcement authority or pest control office, the RCMP, and Canadian Border Security Services (who will apprehend them, and send them packing forthwith, in all likelihood to a Land called Honah Lee).

Remember when the temperature plunged just a few days ago, turning the usual seasonal "liquid sunshine" into cryogenic crystals, making it rather risky to walk, jog, or simply scoot along in the neighborhood?

True to form, James Bay jokers and joyriders know what to do when flakes fall on their pristine piece of paradise. They dial 911 for the "Snow Fairy", haul out their clubs and orange golf balls, and head out for a quick game of pitch and putt in Beacon Hill Park.

If truth be told, most James Bay residents do not own a snowblower because, ever since the Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) passed a new anti-noise code banning these marvellous machines, in fact any sort of equipment like a lawn mower, leaf-blower, or bird-caller, life has become a tad bland if not boring. Thanks to efforts of the decibel dingers from AAA, the sounds of pins dropping have all but disappeared, (and heaven forbid if some poor schnook happens to snore while snoozing on his back porch in the summertime).

And, with the arrival of a boisterous buff busy body, (a.k.a. the "Snow Fairy"), clearing flakes from driveways and sidewalks is a cinch! In fact, more than a few unruly upstarts and unpretentious underlings, (who don't care a hoot about cricket, croquet or crumpets), have grabbed their cookie sheets, boogie boards, and garbage bags to enjoy a bit of fun and frolic flying down the southern slope of Beacon Hill Park. All this is much to the chagrin of the "Friends of the Flowerbeds" who brave the rigors in their thermal long-johns and tuques, all in the name of doing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to revive the delicate and endangered native plants and ecosystems that lie smothered beneath a blanket of white stuff.

Meanwhile prominent patriarchs, potentates, and pundits of the place, affectionately known as the "Fee-Faw-Foe-Fumming Fraternity", (also known as the Association of Ambitious Astonishers), have once again united to voice their stern opposition to this sort of spontaneous sillyness in the neighborhood.

In fact, they've called upon the "Blatherhood of Brilliant Bumpf" (elected on a popular political platform of ending all snowjobs), to promulgate three new "winter protocol guidelines":

1) a new public dress code stipulating acceptable attire to be worn by any resident engaged in property maintenance activity;

2) new public art design standards which must be strictly adhered to in the construction of suitable temporary "persons of snow" monuments installed in public parks and white spaces; and

3) a new noise bylaw prohibiting any humming or whistling of individuals engaged in either work or recreational pursuits.

It seems the aforementioned activities are deemed to deprive a picayune portion of the population (i.e. prominent gingerbread heritage home owners and regal residents with multi-million dollar glass castles) of their well-deserved peace and tranquility plus a host of other "quality of life" amenities and benefits, including but not limited to well-manicured lawns and gardens, taxpayer-financed moats with earthquake-proof state-of-the-art draw-bridges, and gated gold card yacht clubs expected in a quiet, quaint, and quarantined neighborhood.

Should the cold snap continue, with the Mercury plummeting so much so that even Jack Frost won't be nipping at anyone's door anytime soon, word has it that the "Snow Fairy" may stay a day or two longer, (provided of course, he isn't ticketed by a commissionaire for overstaying his welcome in one of Victoria's most posh, prim, and proper neighborhoods!)
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Image Credit: Snow Fairy@flickr.com

On November 19, 2011, Victoria voters went to the polls and elected folks to run the local show for another four years.

While the current mayor has gone on record as a supporter of "transparency and accountability" in civic affairs, he revealed in a public forum prior to the election that he would not agree to publish his personal expenses on a monthly basis nor would he provide the names of all individuals with whom he meets each month? While he might agree to revealing his expenses on an annual basis, he declared that he was not required to disclose the names of those with whom he meets (including senior level politicians) since he must uphold his duty to protect "confidentiality".

Does being paid from the public purse accord one the privilege of being above public scrutiny?

Incidentally, one has to wonder whether the Mayor of Calgary is a fool because he discloses all his expenses and has no difficulty providing information about whom he meets, or whether our grand pooh bah has difficulty keeping up with the times?

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Image Credit: Ron Leishman cartoon - clipartof.com/443129.jpg

05/10/11 BCLocalNews: Marine businesses pack up shops - James Bay

05/10/11 TimesColonist: Cruise numbers down from 2010 - 22 fewer ships visited Victoria this year

The Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) has just released a raucous report about the hazards of hosting cruiseships in Victoria.

According to the report's author, an eminent and erudite emigrant, the report is designed to knock everyone's socks off as well as their shoes and sandals, by pointing out the perils of living in a paradise polluted by terrible tourist tankers dropping anchor in the port of Victoria.

The simple solution to this dire dilemma apparently involves banning buses, buggies and bad boats, not to mention those tacky trinket traders and godawful guano gulls from the neighborhood and replacing them with big, bodacious boats (only environmentally-friendly, quiet, and clean mega multi-million dollar yachts ... filled of course with very-important beautiful people with whom the who's-who of the neighborhood can rub shoulders and welcome with open arms to the crown jewel of Victoria's Inner Harbour thank you very much).

Of course, if you're a fan of "Mouthy Maxine", you already know that "only on a cruise ship will you pay hundreds of dollars to sleep in a closet", and when you land in port, there are always more tacky t-shirts from which to choose plus tourist traps itching to get their itchy fingers in your money belt, and the credit card in your wallet or Gucci handbag!

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Image Credit: Illustration by maximilian, http://all.worth1000.com/.../1743/cruise-cartoon-mascot

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Image Credit: Maxine cartoon by J. Wagner, Hallmark cards - unicylerose.com/fall1l

"Look Noah ... I think we'd better avoid parking the ark at the Ogden Point Terminal.

Frankly, what with all the belching birds, flatulating frogs, and the seasick slugs on board, we haven't exactly had a smooth sailing if you catch my drift... .

Besides, I'm not entirely convinced those are friendly folk peering at us through their binoculars and clenching their fists" said the elephant in the living room.

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Image Credit: www.victorpowell.com

The skittish squirrels of James Bay are jumping for joy! Their prayers and petitions have finally been answered!

It seems that a dedicated group of non-native grass excavationists, green thumb enthusiasts, and hobby horticulturalists, plus several prominent protectors of public parks and public purse strings, and a smattering of fail-safe-fee-faw-foe-fummers have all joined forces to support the habitat - not of homo sapiens, but rather four-legged, furry, fleet-of-foot folk!

Thanks to their concerted efforts, no longer will members of the Sciuridae or "rodent" family be obliged to perform tricks at the Petting Zoo in Beacon Hill Park in order to earn their daily share of sustenance, (consisting primarily of the occasional peanut in the shell or high-calorie, tasteless, dried bread crumbs, tossed from the charitable hands of precocious pre-schoolers, part-time papoose minders, and pacification-oriented parents.

In their infinite wisdom to meet the growing food demands of less fortunate four-footed folk and to improve the squirrels' quality of life in James Bay, a collection of catawampus characters from the Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) representing the little known interests of vocally-challenged plants and shrubs, has recommended that the City plant edible nut and/or fruit trees in the new St. Lawrence Street boulevard green space rather than create allotment gardens which might attract unwelcome guests and pests resulting in a decline in the value of nearby nest eggs.

It is uncertain at this time whether homeless homo-sapiens, (i.e. indefinitely idled and involuntarily leisured individuals, non-waged entities, nonspecifically destinationed and differently advantaged persons including temporarily outplaced and sobriety-deprived members of society known to frequent Irving Park and other environs in the neighborhood), will be placed on the approved list of eligible benefit recipients made possible by this novel taxpayer-financed urban agriculture and green space initiative.

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Image Credit: clipartof.com/60162 - cartoon entitled "A Black And White Tribal Raven Flying.jpg

Things are never dull in James Bay, especially when it comes to wacky events.

Actually, on June 11th, there were more than a few folks willing to get down to the bare essentials by joining some very boisterous "Bikers in the Buff" on the lawn of the Provincial Legislature.

It was Victoria's annual quaint if not quirky contribution to World Naked Bike Day! Actually, it's all for a good cause -- to raise awareness of a healthy alternative sustainable transportion choice -- cycling, and the risks that riders face when out on the roads.

NOTE: While the Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA), purveyor of high morals and pudibund public-spiritedness, has declined to give a "thumbs up" to this entertaining event, the "As Bare As You Dare" Art & Nursery School will be sponsoring a rather large contingent of testy trikers in colorful costumes.

A recent decision by the incomparable, indisputable, indomitable, inesteemable, ineffable, infallible, inveterate, invulnerable, iridescent icons and invincible interlocutors of the Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) may well surprise many residents.

Fearing that far too many flower-power folk, tiller tyrants, or veggie vagabonds would trample underfoot the delicate natural ecosystem and native plant life in the community, and upset the delicate harmony and well-being of AAA members not to mention a fully-licensed apple-cart approved for use in their Garden of Eden, the powerful potentates of the place have also established some spiffy new environmental standards on how to turn sod efficiently, eliminate weeds, and prepare mulch without perspiring profusely or getting one's hands dirty.

The local leading lights of linear thinking together with a handful of Flat Earth Society followers plus a few members from the Tiptoe Through The Tulips Club and the Wise Watchdogs of Grass Grow Group, have all found common cause to prohibit any new green projects proposed by suspicious seedy characters, particularly grubby gallumphing guerilla gardeners in gumboots, hotbed horticulturalists, or heavy-handed herbivores wielding hefty hoes, hedge-cutters, or huge hoses used frequently in a "Garden of Galoots and Galoshes".

It remains to be seen whether the City's declining number of overworked but dedicated pest control officers and Parks officials will be ready, willing, and able to roust rogue roots, stamp out slippery stamens, put an end to perilous petals, murder menacing magic mushrooms, not to mention whack the living daylights out of wicked weeds let alone savagely stomp on shelter-deprived slugs or vanquish vagrant vipers seeking suitable accommodation in James Bay's well-manicured green spaces and nefarious neglected nooks or crannies.

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Image Credit: www.picturesof.net image 300/100608-004174-006053

The Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) met recently to pass a motion demanding that civic and health authorities post notices throughout the neighborhood warning individuals that they are exposing themselves to potentially serious health risks associated with noxious emissions from cruise ships, planes and other transportation vehicles in the vicinity.

Needless to say, the recommendation by AAA took real estate professionals by surprise. It appears that the presence of masked sports and recreational enthusiasts may dampen the sale of premium properties in the neighborhood. Local businesses are troubled by the fact that their staff may have difficulty distinguishing between masked felons and legitimate customers wearing masks to prevent the spread of swine flu and other seasonal nasties.

Not everyone however thinks there's something to be worried about. In fact, word has it that a Hollywood producer has approached AAA directors to offer them starring roles in a new horror flick ("Zorro Zapped By Zealots") to be filmed in the neighborhood.

On the other hand, some members of the community suggest that the AAA has not gone far enough in raising red flags to fend off the frightful fragrance of fetlocks said to compromise the superb "quality of life" enjoyed by James Bay residents. And, there some who are simply appalled by horse-drawn carriages depositing far too many "earth apples" on roadways resulting in sky-rocketing costs to maintain the spiffy appearance of their rather fine footwear.

So before folks dial 911 to notify the police of an alien invasion, (having just spotted all sorts of masked men and women with bewildered babes in arms frequenting the environs of Irving Park together with some strange-looking rugby, soccer, and softball players wearing high-performance gas masks in MacDonald Park), please remember to give credit where credit is due, namely to those fearless fighters against frightful fumes.

Regrettably, the AAA could not be reached for comment with regard to the unintended consquences of opening Pandora's Box and letting the Fear-Mongering Fairy escape.

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Image Credit: picturesof.net/100202-012332-966053

The Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) has recently recommended that signs be posted in neighborhood parks warning individuals of their exposure to potentially serious health risks associated with noxious emissions from cruise ships, aircraft, and ground transportation vehicles in the vicinity.

t would appear that this bold step of posting air quality warnings is scaring away the tourists which feed the local merchants.

After a review of the matter, it was decided that the better part of valour was to find something less offensive to complain about but nonetheless a topic of signficance that would capture the atttention of locals and tourists alike.

To this end, the Executive of the AAA has recently come up with a new plan to recommend that authorities install signage warning residents of the environmental health risks posed by fertilizer from far too many feathered friends in the neighborhood.

All of this ballyhoo begs the inevitable question, (perhaps as a result of the unintended consequence of their well-meaning intentions)...is this simply a well-conceived conspiracy and plot by the nest-egg niche to rid the neighborhood of misbegotten mocking birds, cacophonous crows, and seasoned seagulls who have the temerity to deposit their guano in places where James Bay's golden geese are likely to step into it?
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Image Credit: muppet.wikia.com/NoBirdsAllowed.jpg

It would seem that some anti-sipping sedentarians and superfluous sycophants with way too much time on their hands are ramping up the rhetoric about the need to get rid of grapes, give the heave-ho to hops, and stamp out spirits - which they claim are not only the scourge of society, but more to the point, they are spoiling the pristine paradise of their James Bay.

Apparently they have sighted several iniquitious, injudicious individuals (aka sobriety-deprived souls) whom they allege are committing imbibing infractions and engaging in noise nuisance in a public place, in particular, Irving Park. Armed with police and addiction statistics, they are keen on trying to paint one of the most densely populated and expensive neighborhoods in the city, as an inhospitable environment if not a dangerous and threatening place to live.

While it might be difficult to identify the precise cause and/or source of this multi-faceted social problem and thus hold the party or parties accountable, given the sheer number of establishments serving alchohol in the neighborhood (such as stand-alone food services with liquor licenses, bars and eating establishments in more than a dozen hotels, not to mention the liquor distribution outlets at some hospitality and accommodation businesses and the government liquor store itself), it seems that after much chin-wagging and finger-pointing, those opposed to liquid assets and liquid lunches have apparently pin-pointed the culprit.

All those interested in a spirited discussion, including those who have enjoyed a glass or two of fermented fruit, a mug of mead, or perhaps a bit of a cold brew on occasion, might find these the perfect beverages to consume after the monthly meeting of the Ambitious Astonishers.

Will a ban on the sale of spirits from one establishment solve the alleged alcohol abuse problem in public places? Will the forces of "prohibition" call for a "dry neighborhood"? Will "speak-easies" and "BYOB parties" return? Will pilgrimmages to posh wine bars be outlawed? Will wicked worshippers of "Blasted Church" wine and bistro-lovers be unwelcome in James Bay? Will the dastardly demons of drink and ghastly ghosts of grapes past hold sway?

If you're biting your nails, pulling out your hair, or sitting anxiously on the edge of your seat to learn the outcome of this latest "Shock & Awe" episode of "As the Beacon Turns", do stay tuned for the next public policy statement from the "Fee-Faw-Foe-Fumming Fraternity", and the Blatherhood of Brilliant Bumpf.

Some might even say that the thin plot line, patently ridiculous props, and colorful characters involved have all the earmarks of a block-buster budget "made in Canada" movie of the week!

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Image Credit: Blasted Church Wine Label

Spring has sprung in James Bay, a time when all the birds, blooms, and blessed tour buses arrive in all their glory.

Some say that their feisty feathered friends are a nuisance, the pungent petals give them allergies, and the blasted if not belching tour buses disturb the time-honored peace and tranquility of the neighborhood.

On the other hand, if the birds didn't leave their guano everywhere, the gardeners would be upset because their favorite rhodos wouldn't bloom and, the Association of Ambitious Astonishers (AAA) would have precious little to complain about.

So, enjoy the spring season in your own way, because it comes but once a year. All of which which means that that if you want to put a smile on your face and sweat on your brow try cleaning out the closet, removing all the cobwebs as well as any skeletons lying about in your life. If nothing else, it will improve your disposition, lighten your woes, and maybe even give your karma a real shot in the arm...and who doesn't need that!

My Wish for You in 2011: YEAR OF THE RABBIT

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.

May the problems you had, forget your home address!

In simple words ...

MAY THIS BE THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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Image Credit: theRussian!!!@flickr.com

It's Monday morning, and the "Caffeine Connoisseur" is slightly under the weather which is one reason why he's gotta "hava java"!

So, where's the best place to get a bargain basement price for beans with a buzz?

And may you enjoy all those squirrely folks who are invited to share in your funky festive feast!

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Image Credit: animatedtv.about.com/ScratholdingLeafbag_frontal