JAMES BAY BABBLER

REGULAR EVENTS IN THE BAY include:

-- "Victoria Singles Social Club" For folks 50 plus interested in meeting for a game of darts not to mention some marvellous mingling at James Bay Inn, 270 Government Street every Wednesday and Thursday, 7 pm. Contact: 250.388.7653.

EATS & ENTERTAINMENT EACH WEEK include:

-- "Jazz and Blues" Heron Rock Bistro (at Croft & Menzies) - Mondays at 6:30 pm and Fridays at 7:00 pm!

-- And, if you feel like munching and music seven days a week, stop in to The Superior Cafe.

-- Tuesday evenings, 6:30 pm - 9:00 pm, Scrabble Night! at James Bay Coffee & Books, 143 Menzies Street. Boards supplied or bring your own. Come with friends or come alone to test your word skills. T: 250.386.4700.

-- Thursday and Friday evenings - live entertainment from 5-8 pm at Ogden Point Cafe. Admission by donation.

-- On Friday Nights...why not enjoy some musical treats over at the James Bay Coffee & Books, 143 Menzies Street! Admission by donation. T: 250.386.4700.

-- Saturday Night Music Circle over "The Bent Mast".

-- How about the mellow sounds of jazz over Brunch 11 am - 2:00 pm on Sundays at the "Laurel Point Inn", 680 Montreal Street, or Sundays at 8:00 pm, enjoy a superb supper and music at the "Aura Restaurant in the Laurel Point Inn. Free admission. T: 250.424.6739.

Don't forget to check out all the JAMES BAY COMMUNITY SPECIAL EVENTS CALENDAR, not to mention keep your eye open for oodles of fun by participating in all manner of fitness, sports, recreation, and creative endeavours -- see the FALL 2009 JAMES BAY COMMUNITY ACTIVITIES CALENDAR!

NOTE: If these events and activities don't tickle your fancy, see what's going on elsewhere in Victoria.

Here is a delightful dispatch that I received in my in-basket today. I thought it worthy of publication since it is after all about ripsorting royal advice from a Monarch of Merriment to a chaotic colony in the "New World".

"To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize".

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with clotted cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!"

It is said that James Bay is a tad eccentric if not quirky.

So, it should be no surprise that the "College of Creative Loafing" should find this cozy place to plop down.

Leisure-minded lollygaggers will be pleased to know that the first course offered by this esteemed if not entertaining institution was "Finding Your Fabulous Funnybone"! And, if truth be told, five folks actually plunked their funny money down, tickled their funnybones and let their "Inner Imps" out to play!

Well, if you've ever strolled about the byways of our neighborhood (dodging the piles of "earth apples" in the middle of the street), you'll know that we're still in the proverbial "horse and buggy" age here in James Bay!

The locals like to think they're hip and definitely with the times. So, they're a little flabbergasted to hear that the "tweed curtain" is to be the first municipality in BC to take advantage of new provincial legislation which expands where innovative vehicles can be driven.

While the federal government has not yet approved the sale of "neighborhood electric vehicles" (NEV) such as the Zenn, (Canada's first zero-emission, low-noise, low-speed electric vehicle) in the Country, the Oak Bay council is keen on approving them for use by 'speed-challenged' seniors.

Considering the fact that James Bay has the highest per capita use of alternative transportation vehicles like bicycles, electric scooters, motorbikes, and skateboards in the City, it is rather curious why the City of Victoria has not seen fit to amend its bylaws to permit our nice little neighborhood to try those nifty NEVs!

Perhaps the City of Victoria council members should visit another "Mile Zero" community, (Key West, Florida), which like our fair neighborhood is also home to a large cruiseship and tourism industry. In this southern-most U.S. community, the most popular mode of transport is the eco-friendly, battery-operated golf course (with nary an 18-hole course in sight)!

Welcome to the "James Bay Babbler - Unclassifieds"!

This is the definitely the right spot to casually jot down your urgent needs and desires with the hope that your request will be fulfilled.

Our free "unclassifieds" will help you to:

1. Buy, sell or swap stuff -- whether you want to sell that gaudy gift - a flashing red-nosed Christmas tie from Aunt Clara, acquire a previously-enjoyed pair of welly-boots in exchange for a parrot with a naughty vocabulary, or simply donate a box of very productive composting earthworms to an avid gardener!

2. Make grand announcements like the upcoming marriage of Orpheus Bowen-Bodmin of Spuzzum, British Columbia (and former itinerant summertime card-reader at the James Bay Community Market) to Nimbo Moostracht, Vice-President of Eurobanque, Paris, France; inviting community members to join the "Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes", or hailing the arrival of a newcomer to the neighborhood be it the birth of a bouncing bunnikin or a new business!

3. Indulge your curiosity by inquiring about unusual things like where to find a copy of "The Book of Marmalade Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today" by C. Anne Wilson published by Constable in 1985; maybe it's wanting to know the best places to stay in Giggleswick (Yorkshire) and Killiecrankie (Scotland) or, perhaps it's finally learning the answer to a perplexing question like, "why do vampires fear white-collar workers?"

NOTE: Just send the details in an email to: jamesbaybabbler[at]yahoo.ca.

VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES!

-- "Lifecycle's Fruit Tree Picks". Have you got fruit in your backyard you're willing to give away to community organizations in need of fresh fruite? Do you want to pick some fruit or veggies to stock the shelves of local food groups and community organizations? If so, please contact: 250.893.7848 or email: fruittree[at]lifecyclesproject.ca.

-- James Bay New Horizons is looking for volunteers to sit on the Board, teach classes, help at the reception desk or in the kitchen, do the gardening, decorate for events, call bingo, count cash, plan and help out at special events...and much more! Call Yasmin: 250.386.3035

MISCELLANEOUS THINGS FOR SALE ASAP!

1. Composting Worms Available! Green thumb folks will be pleased to know that there's a local source of great wiggly worms waiting to help you provide some great composting soil. Contact: 250.383.2225.

2. All manner of oldies but goodies for sale:

-- wide selection of classical vinyl records
-- filing cabinets and bookshelves
-- platform rocking chair
-- desktop computer plus screen and printer
-- slide projector and screen
Telephone: 250.891.0712

3. DELL COMPUTER, LCD SCREEN, PRINTER for sale.
Tel: 250.727.0930.

4. GABRIOLA ISLAND RETREAT: 880 Sharie Drive - bright clean cottage is five minjutes away from a beach on a cul-de-sac in a quiet island neighborhood. Available for weekly rental all year round (Saturday to Saturday). Two bedrooms with queen-sized bed, twin bunk beds as well as one futon for 1-2 people in the living room. Kitchen includes a stove, fridge, microwave, small appliances, utensils, cutlery and plates. There is also a large deck in the front and back for BBQs. Rates: $750/week (June-Sept), $600/week (Oct-May).
Email Liz: watremb[at]sympatico.ca or Tel: 519.833.2738.

5. Laurie of Better Gnomes & Gardens on Gorge Road (a couple of blocks from the Hillside/Douglas intersection) has a project underway that requires a bunch of old bikes. They don't need to be working - in fact, the older the better! What a great opportunity to unload that old rusty bike gathering dust in your basement, attic or garage! Email: bgg@bettergnomes.ca or Tel: 386-9366.