"She's leaving the country...she doesn't speak English...I insulted her friend's breasts...and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket"

"I need breasts with brains. I don't mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you've got to draw the line somewhere... I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding."

"I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it."

"Steve's whole fantasy life revolves around Mariella Frostrup%u2026 If ever meets Mariella Frostrup in person his right hand will shout 'mother'."

"All of us in our time are visited by the Melty Man... Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name, or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work inside your terrified pants."

"I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced for life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place."

"Having a girlfriend is like legalised sex."

"Women remember, Steve. It's like they've got minds of their own."

"When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name.'"

"I get very tense around apples... Well, I get very tense generally. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit."

"Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina...we're just happy if you're naked...half naked...one breast"