Home » Healthy Living » Mental Health » Depression

Share Your Story

From the lens He Chose Suicide.

Leave your comments and to tell your own story in this Guestbook. The comments are open to both members of Squidoo and Non-members of Squidoo. I hope with all my heart that you have gained something from this lens. Perhaps you needed to know that you aren't alone in your grief. Perhaps you have gained some understanding about Depression. But most of all, if you were in a dark place and were considering making the same decision that Jeff did...I sincerely hope that I changed your mind.

  • bloomingrose Apr 9, 2012 @ 2:02 am | delete
    I really appreciate you sharing this with us. I started to read it and had to go quickly ahead when you spoke of your husband being verbally abusive. I too suffered that kind of marriage, and it can break your soul. And the sad part is that the abusive person is depressed, this is a very common way for men to show depression. And they usually are resistant to getting help. Anyway, thanks for having the courage to share like this, and best of luck to you in creating the kind of wonderful life that you do deserve for all that you have given to your family and just for who you are. Angel Blessed.
  • siobhanryan Mar 2, 2012 @ 7:41 am | delete
    Your story is so sad like so many suicide stories. I know what you speak about as I have dealt with the aftermath four times in my life
  • chrisssy Feb 27, 2012 @ 3:09 pm | delete
    My brother did it when his wife started cheating on him. He was a police officer and did it right at the station. He called his wife that night asking her to tell his 2 babies, 4 and 2 at the time, that he loves them forever. She thought nothing of it, said goodbye and within seconds he was gone. The last time I saw him his wife was telling me lies about what was going on and him and I were mad at each other for the first time pretty much ever. I never forgave myself...
  • BevsPaper Feb 27, 2012 @ 4:13 pm | delete
    I am so sorry for your loss, Chrisssy. Sadly, I know that feeling of the last words that you spoke were angry ones and we can never apologize or take them back.
  • Jenny T Feb 19, 2012 @ 4:15 pm | delete
    I am confused, how does one feel such grief for a man who treated them so bad? Is it a sadness of what could of been?
  • bluefire1020 Feb 9, 2012 @ 10:20 am | delete
    Got me teary-eyed too remembering a cousin who also took her life. Thanks for taking the courage to share your experience.
  • Zut_Moon Feb 6, 2012 @ 10:26 pm | delete
    OH ..one more thing ...I'm asking for your permission to feature it in my lens The Dangers of Non-Communication, Problem Avoidance and Suppressed Emotions. Suggest you take a look at that lens and see if you fell it is appropriate. I know you feel some responsibility for happened but it wasn't your fault and you have no control over the actions of another person. I think it is important to get stories like this out in the open so please take a look and let me know what you think.
  • Zut_Moon Feb 6, 2012 @ 10:19 pm | delete
    Hi Bev: When I saw your post on FB, I remembered this lens which you wrote and you and I discussed a few years back. Since I now have my Angel Wings and since it took a lot of courage and strength to write an article such as this, I came back to "bless" it.
  • sockii Dec 2, 2011 @ 11:37 am | delete
    Your story is so brave and honest and meaningful. Although I have not lost a loved one to suicide, I do have those who have battled depression throughout their lives and attempted suicide in the past. It is a difficult subject to talk about yet more awareness needs to be raised - and so that those dealing with depression know that there is hope out there and to not be too ashamed to reach out for it.
  • Iain84 Nov 25, 2011 @ 5:48 pm | delete
    Very sad story but thank you very much for writing and sharing this.
  • CharlieHash Oct 26, 2011 @ 12:01 am | delete
    Thanks, BevsPaper. I don't have any other words except "Thanks". I can't explain you why (because, it will take a over 100 lens to explain "Why"), and for what (because, it will make me cry). But, Heartily Thanks for writing this lens, and showing a deem light of hopes in the darkness for the people who are searching it.
  • CharlieHash Oct 25, 2011 @ 11:58 pm | delete
    Thanks, BevsPaper. I don't have any other words except "Thanks". I can't explain you why (because, it will take a over 100 lens to explain "Why"), and for what (because, it will make me cry). But, Heartily Thanks for writing this lens, and, showing the ways and reasons to the people who are searching a light of hope in the darkness.
  • Oct 16, 2011 @ 11:48 pm | delete
    This story broke my heart. I admire your strength for enduring so much pain though. I'm only 21, and I've tried to kill myself 5 times already. Depression takes over your mind so badly that it sometimes never occurs to you that dying would actually hurt those who love you. I tell my therapist all the time that nobody would miss me, or even notice if I ever successfully killed myself.
  • BevsPaper Oct 17, 2011 @ 6:56 am | delete
    Please know that most assuredly people would miss you and they would continue to miss you for the rest of their lives. I am so glad that you are talking to your therapist. I know life can get pretty rotten sometimes but for your family there would be a huge void if you were gone. They may not tell you that, they may not even realize it but your loss would be devastating.
  • TrinaSonnenberg Sep 27, 2011 @ 11:49 am | delete
    Whose story is this? It isn't yours.
  • BevsPaper Sep 27, 2011 @ 12:10 pm | delete
    Unfortunately, it is very much my story. My daughters and I lived through every pain filled moment of it. Why would you think that it isn't my own story?
  • imaginemdd Aug 13, 2011 @ 3:25 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story. Courage like yours wills surely touch and help other people. Your kids should be proud.
  • prosperity66 Jul 31, 2011 @ 5:39 pm | delete
    It's been two years that I haven't come to your lens. I have big difficulties dealing with death but I've often thought of your story and the one of your husband.

    In the last few months, I've lost many loved ones but most died of natural causes (apart from my son's father who was ill, all others were old and, although I would have like to still have them near me for many years, I know that we can't fight against nature and life).

    However, one week ago, one of my son's best friends chose suicide... and, once again, I thought of you and your story. The 20 years old boy laid himself down across the railroad and waited for the train to come. I don't understand. There were no signs...

    I know that people can feel so bad that living is too hard, that they just can't deal with life any more; still, I don't understand. And I just can't imagine what his parents have to face now, how hard life is going to be for them.

    The part of your lens that's most important for everyone and should be engraved in stone is the part that relates to everything one misses when one chose to leave the ones we love... So many important steps in lives of our families, friends... So many things that bring a little sunshine ray in a day.

    This time, I'm an angel and I'm sprinkling some angel dust on your story.
  • BevsPaper Jul 31, 2011 @ 8:19 pm | delete
    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son's friend! Sadly, this choice never makes any sense to those of us left behind to grieve. Bless you for your heart felt message. Your son is in my prayers.
  • mamamia2011 Jul 1, 2011 @ 4:54 pm | delete
    I know a person who is very closed to me that was having the same problem - depression. He did attempted but God did not allow him too. He survived and healed from depression but at the expense of being paralyzed. However, he did not missed so many family great events and he is so thankful for that. This man whom I am talking about is my great Dad whom I am writing a tribute lens too.
  • bkarsono Jun 18, 2011 @ 7:21 am | delete
    Hello, when my wife told me that she did not love me anymore because of my internet infidelity, I almost ended my life since I could not see myself living and breathing without her. I gave it 2 months and the feeling was still the same. As I wrote this comment, im in my 3rd month trying to cope with my own guilt and feeling. I want my wife back. I keep arguing with myself that I could not do deal with this feeling myself, I need my wife to help me, but how? she's the one who has had enough of me. Im not willing to share with anyone else because I know they dont care. I love my wife and my kids so much that I delay or perhaps cancel my exiting this world. I didnt know that GOD is all I need until GOD is all I've got. I'm not even that religious.
  • nychef May 9, 2011 @ 7:26 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing this story. I feel your pain in a different way, I tried suicide about 9 years ago, it ended in breaking my neck but surviving, reading your story, i decided to share my own story. Ill give it a few days before i publish it but maybe in reading what happened to me, someone can understand how the mind works of someone who suffers that bad.
  • AddaptAbilities May 4, 2011 @ 4:09 pm | delete
    It took a lot of courage to write this, and I'm sure it's helped a lot of people. Blessed.
  • giftskingdom Apr 26, 2011 @ 9:18 am | delete
    sad story...
    nice lens anyway
  • capriliz Mar 17, 2011 @ 10:34 pm | delete
    Bev, I visited your lens before, but decided to read through your story again. My heart goes out to you. I don't know where you found the strength to continue moving forward and be there for you daughters. My brother chose suicide, and it still haunts us.
    ~blessed~
  • BarbRad Feb 14, 2011 @ 5:47 pm | delete
    I love your lens. Thanks for making it! I hope your healing is more complete by now, but I'm also giving you an angel's Cupid's Kiss blessing -- something I couldn't do when I read this the first time.
  • sorana Jan 31, 2011 @ 2:21 am | delete
    A beautiful lens, a sad story, a great loss ... I do hope your story will change the minds of others. Depression is a terrible state of mind.
  • Othercat Jan 28, 2011 @ 9:11 pm | delete
    I had to stop reading after I read what Jeff missed. By then I was in tears. This story breaks my heart. I've tried to commit suicide more times than I can count and each time I thought my family would be sad, but they would get over it. You've shown me how wrong I was. I am truly sorry for your loss. You are such a strong person for telling Jeff's story.
  • adhd-bipolar-depression Jan 26, 2011 @ 9:49 am | delete
    Touching story.
  • jptanabe Jan 20, 2011 @ 5:03 pm | delete
    Came back to bless this wonderfully written and very personal story about suicide.
  • JohannaBaker Jan 15, 2011 @ 6:39 pm | delete
    Bev I want to say, Thank you for your courage, first for loving your husband as much as you could, it could not have been easy, second for raising your girls on your own and third for telling your story that others might benefit. You are part of the healing about suicide and sadly when a person does not wish to be helped you cannot make them. This is one of the hardest things to deal with.
    I once so bereft after my husband walking out on me that those destructive thoughts entered my mind, but one of my daughters said to me that if I did, that my youngest son who has battled depression since his early teens and attempted suicide once would most likely commit suicide too...the thought of him killing himself because of my action and what it would do to my family was enough to keep going...
    When a person hurts so much it can seem like the only answer, it will make the pain go away for the person but inflict so much more for those they love, and that is just too selfish!
    Thank you so much for sharing, I hope that it has helped you in some way too.
  • CofCJenny Nov 18, 2010 @ 10:30 pm | delete
    Such a touching story. God bless you and your family for making it through such a difficult situation. I hope that your story can (and I'm sure will) help others
  • Molly Sep 14, 2010 @ 3:45 pm | delete
    I found you story, and had to read. Your strength and courage shines through, that is what has brought you and your daughters through. My dad committed suicide when I was young. He went missing for 1 week, when he was found in a layby in his car. He had bee a battling alcoholic all his lives, as far back as I can remember he hid bottles all over the house, stayed in his room for weeks on ends, not allowing anyone in...My poor mother never recovered from this shock and died a few years later, they say it was cancer, we all agreed it was a brokenheart. My youngest brother has never recovered from losing his dad, never mind his mum either, and has walked about with the biggest chip on his shoulder, and I worry for him, with the trouble he gets into. But for all the relatives who said, "don't worry we will help you," they soon fade back into their own lives, not willing, or wanting to take us on. We were on our own.
    I am a mum and I suffer Chronic Pain, and severe depression, and still quite young, some days it just all seems pointless.
    I am recieving help for both physical (caused by an accident) and mental problems, I am only just beginning to "accept" this help, at first I resented it.
    When I have a bad day, I do get angry, but no matter how bad it becomes, I cannot do to my daughter what my father did to us, the devastation it caused, I thank you for writing your story, for giving people the courage to not only face this issue, but discuss it, no-one ever talked about my dads suicide. I send my thoughts to you and your girls. I am a lensmaster but I wanted to post this as I was so touched by your story, and yes I have found a strength, with support from this community ( more to do with confidence in my ability) and recently started writing about issues in my life, that have affected me. hoping to help others survive the pain behind their depression, finding the roots, helping others to understand, I agree with you and believe this is a part of the healing process, being able to share our story. God Bless
  • BevsPaper Sep 14, 2010 @ 4:45 pm | delete
    Molly, you are braver than you give yourself credit for...you are taking the first steps. They are not easy steps but just take them one at a time. You keep your daughter in your head as the most important reason to keep going. Love works miracles.

    And Molly, I'm so sorry for your loss! To suffer the loss of your Father and Mother at a young age just doesn't seem fair. It isn't fair! I have a feeling that because of the trauma you had it has made you a better Mum. You will protect your child from being hurt like you were.

    If you feel the need to talk...you can use the contact button on my bio page. No one will know but you and I. My heart goes out to you, dear one!
  • charlino Sep 7, 2010 @ 10:04 pm | delete
    Blessed.
  • girlfriendfactory Sep 4, 2010 @ 5:33 pm | delete
    Bev ~ A tragic loss, especially one that you feel is preventable, is certainly one of the worst types to endure. I cannot begin to imagine your pain, though I've had some experience that gave me more than enough grief to know I never want to go through it and made me realize the pain I caused others with my own attempts.

    Many people do not understand suicide from the pov of someone who has honestly attempted it but lived, and often feel contempt for them because they feel it's a way to get attention or they feel that if the person is that unhappy then let them do it. Most people who do attempt suicide are in genuine pain and do not know how to ask for help, ask for help but no one believes they need it, or as in my case, are getting help, but it's still not enough or not working quickly enough to make a difference. Most also cannot see past their own pain to realize the pain they will cause others.

    According to the CDC, in the USA in 2007, 60% of suicides are committed by people with mood disorders (major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, dysthymia and cyclothymia) and 30% are committed by people with other psychiatric illnesses (schizophrenia, PTSD, personality disorders, sleeping disorders and eating disorders (esp. anorexia) and others). So 90% of all the suicides are committed by people who are truly ill. If you look at the tables for major causes of death, for the ages of 10-64, more people die from suicide than from homicide (except for the age group of 15-24, where it's homicides are just over 12,000 more than suicide). I don't like seeing that homicides or suicides are in the top 10 causes of death for any group because it doesn't really say good things about our society, our self-esteem, or our ability to help those in need. It also leaves so many people, like yourself, in a bereaved state for a long time.

    I applaud you for sharing your story, as it's not an easy thing to do, but sometimes one of the best ways to work through our own grief is to reach out to others with the hope of helping even one person.

    Wishing the best to you and your girls,
    ~Ren
  • KathyT Jul 27, 2010 @ 11:22 am | delete
    Dear Bev,
    As I read your heartwrenching story - and even as I attempt to find some appropriate words to say - I am crying. Writing this lens had to be unspeakably difficult. And yet, by telling your story, you have helped countless others in ways you may never know.

    I have read through a lot of the comments left by others, and am intensely grateful for the encouragement you have given others who have either experienced a loss by suicide in their lives, or by those who have contemplated or attempted it. Undoubtedly, you are making a huge difference in this world.

    You are a very brave, loving, and compassionate woman - doing more for others than you could ever possibly know. I feel so blessed to have met you here on Squidoo.

    With much love, and prayers for your continued healing,
    Kath
  • 4U2C Jul 13, 2010 @ 4:08 pm | delete
    Hands down, this has to be one of the most important Lenses I have ever read, and in my favorites of things I have EVER read. Was it easy to read? No. Did it make me laugh? Certainly not. Should it be on Squidoo? ABSOLUTELY! Could it save lives? Definitely. I wish to say "thank you" for having the "guts" to tell us your story. It must have been heart-wrenching to write. My prayer - sincerely - is that what you have shared with us - hard as it must have been to do - will save another tragedy. If it does that, he will not have died, in vain...
  • Lois (lokackl) Apr 23, 2010 @ 9:32 am | delete
    Circling back to SquidAngel bless! and see you've really added lots of work since my first stopover. Beautiful!
  • WildFacesGallery Apr 6, 2010 @ 8:26 am | delete
    Bev, this is the most awesome and heartfelt lens that I've ever read. Your honesty is inspiring. My husband has suffered with depression and a few other mental issues for our entire marriage. Sometimes things are great and sometimes not. We argue and and more and more I think about leaving for self preservation but I am not ready to give it up just yet. A lot of what you wrote rings true to me and again I thank you for writing all of this and hopefully helping others along the way. :)
  • kimmie1967 Apr 5, 2010 @ 7:50 pm | delete
    Bev, I don't have the words to describe how reading your story touched me. As someone who has suffered from depression for most of my life it really sounded familiar. I have not had thoughts of suicide although have been in that place where I really don't care if I wake up in the morning more times than I can count.
    Thanks for sharing your story with us. Off to find some kleenex now.
  • dustytoes Mar 18, 2010 @ 4:22 am | delete
    Thank you for writing such an honest and heartfelt lens that will undoubtedly help so many people. I agree so much with the part when you said that we get caught up in living a certain way that we can't step back and see clearly what is happening because we are too involved. I love that you included the photo of your daughter's wedding day and the list of what your husband has missed because I think that is the most powerful message to anyone considering ending their life. Your strength in life and in sharing this story is inspirational!
  • guardianstar77 Mar 17, 2010 @ 7:54 pm | delete
    Bev, I truly appreciated you accepting the pain it must have caused you to bare your soul and heart in sharing this experience. I also pray that it will touch many who have suffered the loss of a loved one through suicide and help those who may be contemplating such an action. God bless you for your strength. 5*
  • anonymous Mar 16, 2010 @ 10:07 am | delete
    Bev, it's so hard to even come up with the appropriate words to say in response to reading your story. On a less personal note, your writing was captivating and extremely well executed. You really provide the reader with a compelling inside look to the signs and symptoms of suicidal or depressed person. I am a squidoo lensmaster, but purposefully signed out of squidoo in order to leave my comment, because I want to briefly share my own experience. Four years ago I attempted to take my own life. I experienced many of the same symptoms that you shared about Jeff. I have two kids of my own as well, and looking back...I cannot imagine being in such a low state of mind that even they were not enough to keep hanging on for. Thankfully, things are better for me now. Your lens was the most moving piece on this ugly subject that I have ever read. I know that MANY people will be or have been helped by your words, including myself. God bless you and your daughters, Bev.
  • BevsPaper Mar 16, 2010 @ 1:24 pm | delete
    I'm celebrating that your life turned around for you and that your two children still have you in their lives. I'm celebrating that you were courageous enough to get yourself out of that dark place...you and I know that was not easy nor did it happen quickly.

    I'm also grateful for your stopping by today and humbly thank you for your heartfelt comment. Not only did it touch me but it will touch future readers of this lens too. Giving hope to people who have walked more than a mile in Jeff's and your shoes. Letting them know that they can make a different choice.

    God bless YOU, your two kids, and your future!
  • SuzyTheReviewer Mar 6, 2010 @ 10:29 pm | delete
    this is a great couple of lenses. thank you, very much. all that you said is true. and it made my heart break, too. im glad that your girls turned out ok though, (getting married, etc), alot of times it turns out the other way... you should be proud that you made it through after all these years. good luck.
  • Wordwinder Feb 27, 2010 @ 5:05 am | delete
    It is moving, and leaves one in awe of your commitment and devotion. I have a sister who went through a simiar circumstance and realize how it would have been.
  • hankasawat Feb 3, 2010 @ 9:43 pm | delete
    This may seem strange to you, but the people I have treated the most vile in life and hurt the deepest were the people I loved the most. I'm sorry for your pain. Your story made me cry. Thanks so much for sharing.
  • KathyMcGraw Jan 23, 2010 @ 8:12 am | delete
    I came back to add Angel Blessings from one survivor to another.
  • ArtByLinda Jan 22, 2010 @ 12:39 pm | delete
    Bev,
    Your story and life is very heartbreaking to read about. It is so good that you choose to share this with everyone, I believe it probably has already helped many people...whether it is just knowing they are not alone, or to help them recognize signs in their loved one, or themselves, and to get help.
    Bless you and your healing heart!
    Linda (((hugs)))
  • arncyn Jan 13, 2010 @ 1:03 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your amazing and inspiring story, Bev. You are a survivor, I admire your strength and courage. I came back because I've always wanted to leave more than a 5-star rating for this masterpiece. *angel blessed*
  • clouda9 Jan 7, 2010 @ 1:46 pm | delete
    Bev you've left me speechless. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journey, offering your words of wisdom. I will never forget your story, this lens!
  • spirituality Nov 23, 2009 @ 2:28 am | delete
    Great lens, but you knew that :) Just wanted to remind you that this is featured on the Consciousness, Awareness, Psychology & Neurology Headquarters
    http://www.squidoo.com/groups/consciousness

    It's now transformed into a lensography and I would love it if you could show your appreciation by featuring it here, or lensrolling it or something.
  • BevsPaper Nov 23, 2009 @ 6:58 am | delete
    Thank you so much for reminding me. With the change from groups to lenses, I hadn't gotten around to each one yet to show my appreciation.
  • HappySeasons Nov 18, 2009 @ 8:14 pm | delete
    Hi Bev, thank you very much for sharing your story. I always believed that most people never seek help for their mental illnesses because they are embarrassed to seek help. God bless. Matt
  • BevsPaper Nov 18, 2009 @ 8:42 pm | delete
    I think a lot of people "seek" help for their mental illness. It is the "acceptance" of the help that so many struggle with. To accept help you sometimes have to go to a dark place and face your personal demons and that isn't easy for so many people. I don't want my comment to seem judgmental, as it isn't meant in that tone. Seeking help and accepting help are two different paths. It takes a lot of courage to journey down either or both.
  • crosscreations Nov 5, 2009 @ 12:10 am | delete
    I have been mesmerized by this story, just in awe at your courage. I can relate to some of it yet didn't have near your strength in dealing with it, then or now. Beautifully written and displayed.
  • Kapalbility Nov 2, 2009 @ 11:09 am | delete
    I actually want to say something, but I am out of words. This is beautiful.
  • Norma_Budden Oct 31, 2009 @ 12:43 pm | delete
    Bev, I was researching other Squidoo lenses to feature on a lens I will soon publish When Darkness Settles In. I hope you don't mind me featuring it. If so, let me know and I will remove it from my list.

    I know it's many years later but I'm so sorry for your loss. I live in an area of northern Canada and people are committing suicide too often. In fact, today, one of my oldest daughter's best friends is going to be buried; he was only 15. Kelsey is truly troubled by the experience - having been the last one to really talk to Tommy. Thankfully, she opens up to me about her feelings. She laughs when things are funny so I have much to be thankful for; in the early days, I was so worried about how she would deal with the emotional trauma.

    You have courage, Bev. Even reading responses from this lens has to be overwhelming.

    Compassionately yours,
    Norma
  • 24websurf Oct 28, 2009 @ 10:20 pm | delete
    I finally made it back here to do what I wanted to do when I first read this.
    ~ Blessed by Squid Angel~ Bev you are a strong and courageous woman.
    You made your life your own and I am so proud to be your friend.
  • Sandy Brown Oct 18, 2009 @ 2:41 pm | delete
    I have been reading and crying so very hard. I am so very sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. My husband just recently commited suicide. We have five children. I am so very lost and confused, the guilt is so very over whelming. A man I thought that in a million years would have never, ever done such a thing. He never showed any type of signs at all. Thank you for sharing your story, I knew I wasn't alone I just had yet to hear someone elses tragic story. God Bless You and your beautiful family.
  • pkmcr Oct 18, 2009 @ 1:31 pm | delete
    I have wanted to be able to bless this lens since I first read it. Bev I cannot express in words the admiration I have for you. You have changed lives with your writing that is evident from the comments made by others. Blessings Bev for you and for this masterpiece
  • drifter0658 Oct 18, 2009 @ 1:20 pm | delete
    You know this, but I will say it again. The brave journey you made so that you could write this will not be surpassed by any journey, any time soon.

    Smell the smoke of a burn-out blessing?
  • InkedEmma Oct 9, 2009 @ 12:37 am | delete
    Seeing one of your greetings to a newcomer in the forum, I thought I would check out your lenses. I instantly stopped on this one and can identify it so much because of the pain I have been through, thank you so much for sharing your story and God bless you Bev.
  • GrowWear Oct 7, 2009 @ 7:40 pm | delete
    Have always wanted to bless this lens. Now blessed, and thank you for sharing, Bev.
  • luvmyludwig Oct 6, 2009 @ 10:48 am | delete
    There are a few lenses that I have read since joining Squidoo that pulled at every heartstring, that were so well written that I felt as though they were happening to me. This is one of those lenses. When I read it the first time I wished so badly that I could bless it. So this lens gets my first ever angel blessing.
  • ShirlW Oct 5, 2009 @ 7:28 am | delete
    How special and courageous that you would share this. I am certain you will help many, many people with this from the heart gesture. God bless you.
  • Oct 3, 2009 @ 12:22 am | delete
    Wow, you are a strong, brave, brave woman. I wish I could hug you. Thank-you from the heart for sharing your story, and your love, with such beauty and elogence. Love Darcie
  • a_willow Oct 2, 2009 @ 5:40 am | delete
    Had to come back and renew blessing to this heartbreaking story. Congrats on your Purple star as well, fully deserving. I see you add some html in mean time and it really looks great.
  • pkmcr Sep 27, 2009 @ 5:14 am | delete
    Bev that story took immense courage to write and you have written with so much love and compassion and touched my heart.
  • HandmadeChristmasCards Sep 22, 2009 @ 3:43 am | delete
    I was brwosing through the featured lens masters and came across this site - you have written this so beautifully - thank you for sharing something so intimate with us all.
  • lisadh Sep 21, 2009 @ 12:39 am | delete
    Thank you for the courage to share your story. I wish you and your daughters much peace and happiness in life.
  • Sep 12, 2009 @ 1:07 am | delete
    I lost a good friend and collegue of 15 years to suicide yesterday. I am looking back to see if I missed some red flags, but haven't found any. Neither has anyone else I've spoken to that knew her. I wish she had come to me. I would have listed and helped her any way I could. She left behind 2 sons and a beautiful granddaughter - Emma. I will miss her.
  • nightbear Sep 9, 2009 @ 11:53 pm | delete
    As a nurse I see this behavior in my patients frequently, Unfortunately I usually see the attempts at suicide a lot more than the depressed patients, As a survivor of an abusive marriage, It was hard reading your words. You did a sensitive and remarkable job of relaying your story. I am sorry for your pain and I hope your healing is complete.
  • bipolar_bare Aug 18, 2009 @ 11:14 pm | delete
    I am one who has attempted suicide twice. The first time I almost succeeded. The second time I could not quite do it because of the others that it would hurt. I am so glad I didn't so I am not missing out on the life of my dauther. Your story is very moving. I am also embarassed by it because it reminds me of the hell I put my first wife through in my terrible treatment of her because of my mental illness. Now I have medication to end my severe bi-polar disorder which made me extremely irratible. I am glad I read your lens. It is a great one. Thank you for sharing it.
  • debbysibert Aug 17, 2009 @ 1:23 pm | delete
    My heart was torn in every direction as I read this lens. What a humbling, moving, touching lens. You have the heart of a lion for sharing your story publicly like this.
  • Dawn Aug 16, 2009 @ 8:33 am | delete
    Just wanted to say, today has been a bad day for me and the overwhelming urge to end my life was imminent, for some reason i found you and your truly touching story, and I would like to thank you on behalf of my children, family and friends, because you made me think when all else and others had failed i listened to your story and it helped me, you are a truly amazing lady and im so sorry for your pain, thank you again xxxx
  • Christopher_Scott Aug 12, 2009 @ 10:03 am | delete
    Very sad story. . . . .
  • jmsp206 Aug 10, 2009 @ 10:26 pm | delete
    What a wonderful lens on such a sad heartfelt situation that you had to grieve though and at times wonder why!Thanks for sharing this story as it is a subject that needs to be touched on not hidden!I well constructed lens too! all the best to you and your family!
  • puzzlemaker Aug 10, 2009 @ 6:09 pm | delete
    Bev, thanks for sharing your story. I will always remember it. Depression is such an ugly thing. For the person AND for the family of the person. So awful. I am so sorry it ended that way. I've heard it put that suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Sometimes people just can't get passed the depression. I imagine many tears were shed writing this lens, thank you for hanging in there and sharin it with us all.
  • Olivia Aug 10, 2009 @ 4:21 pm | delete
    Very honestly written. I'm sure it was a painful time for you to go through. Your story will surely help someone to make a different choice by letting them know what the people left behind go through. May God bless you, your daughters, and that lovely little grand-daughter.
  • Jewelsofawe Aug 10, 2009 @ 12:08 pm | delete
    What a heartbreaking story! My heart goes out to you. I hope time heals your heart.
  • ClassyGals Aug 10, 2009 @ 9:22 am | delete
    Very touching and well written story about suicide. I hope that reach people that are contemplating suicide and help them realize how deeply they affect those they leave behind. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful family.
  • Shelly Aug 10, 2009 @ 12:51 am | delete
    Yours is a love story that will extend just that little bit of hope that is needed to those that need to hear it. You also alert us to those loved ones who need us to rescue them from making this devastating choice.
    Bless you.
    I've heard that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness and a permanent solution to a temporary problem--I think that has a ring of truth. Suicide seems to seduce beyond reasoning that we can understand--providing assurance that everything will be better and the pain will be gone.
  • ChapelHillFiddler Aug 9, 2009 @ 7:53 pm | delete
    Beautiful. I've suffered from depression all my life, it's just like a constant pain, but I will never leave my children of my own free will. Thanks for this.
  • KathyMcGraw Aug 9, 2009 @ 4:11 pm | delete
    I know your story....I have known it for a long time. You did a really good job of telling it, and giving resources, alternatives, and a first hand knowledge of what that choice "suicide" does to others. I am going to lens roll this to my lens on Childhood Abuse and on the one on Despair. I wish they weren't interconnected, but unfortunately they are.
  • MiaBellezza Aug 7, 2009 @ 7:21 pm | delete
    Congratulations on your Purple Star. I am sorry for your loss.
  • Intuitive Aug 6, 2009 @ 9:18 am | delete
    I have been around depression for a long time and suffer from it myself. Just recently I've come to realize that the depression is it's own entity, making people act out in ways that isn't really them. That's what you were describing when you said you wanted the man you fell in love with back but he had turned into something else.

    I've come to see that more often than not, it is the illness talking, not the person (and personality) I love. Here is the key piece: since it ISN'T them, I don't have to take it personally. I just have to learn the right way to communicate and deal with the illness directly as something separate from the person (and myself). I don't have to love the illness but I can still love the person that I know is in there somewhere. And that's true for any illness...cancer, Alzheimer's, etc.

    I can forgive myself for my own depression because it doesn't mean I'm defective at the core. I have a condition that can be managed. It's key to see that.
  • Donee Aug 3, 2009 @ 3:23 pm | delete
    Bev, my heart goes out to you and your kid's. You brought me to tears. I also suffer much the way your husband did. I was injured about 5 years ago now, and there is nothing they can do for my back, except pain killers. It ended my career as a welder. That brought on the depression. Every day is a battle. I have the support of my wife and kids, they are great. And I want you to know that iI think I know how he felt. It is easy to start what I call stinkin thinkin. It can consume me if I let it. Any way I just stumbled on on your lens.( I think God sent me here). Thank you for sharing what must be so hard. I will keep you in my thoughts.
  • Trekkiemelissa Jul 29, 2009 @ 2:10 pm | delete
    Man, this one made my cry. 5 stars.
  • patgoltz Jul 26, 2009 @ 8:17 am | delete
    My heart goes out to you. People need to know what an impact their actions have on others. As a teenager, I visited a family for the first time, and the father and husband appeared to be happy and in good health. I was truly shocked when I learned a few days later he had taken his own life. And I didn't even really know him! A person's actions reach much further than they realize.
  • Spook Jul 25, 2009 @ 4:56 am | delete
    An exceptionally well written lens and moving story. Some of my friends over the years have taken this route and it is so sad. I guess everyone misses the red flags. I apologise that it has taken me so long to find this lens and to let you know how I admire you so much for all your courage. All the best.
  • YODELMAN Jul 24, 2009 @ 10:20 pm | delete
    Bev,
    Truly a remarkable lens, baring everything in order to save a life. I know, personally, the devastating feelings of suicidal thinking. I went through them in my early days. Somehow, I was lucky enough to overcome that desire and life turned out great for me. I've had several turning points in life, but the greatest one was (almost 40 years ago) when I decided that this was the time. I was completly hopeless and was determined to end my life. I remember to this day. As I was crumbled in tears, I kept saying to myself..."I want to die...I want to die"...when i heard a voice say "Terry, what you really want is...to live! To live a life free of fear, with hope and happiness!"
    Now, nearing 60, I am so grateful for that moment. Yet, I still fully comprehend the utter dismay of someone who cannot feel as if he can go on. Bev, like you, I urge anyone who feels there is no hope to seek help. There are many of us who know where you're at...and also know where you can be!
  • andreaberrios Jul 24, 2009 @ 1:04 am | delete
    I have no words to express how moved and sadden I felt reading your story. Thank you so much for sharing it, you are an inspiration. Blessings to you and your family.
  • Jul 23, 2009 @ 10:18 pm | delete
    You've really knocked my socks off with this lens. My heart goes out to you and your girls. Painful as it must be to share these details, the information here is and will continue to help many cope with such a difficult situation. You are a real hero!!!
  • Donna_Larsen Jul 23, 2009 @ 8:07 am | delete
    Wow...I was emotionally shaken to read such a touching story. I too, have shared my story on Squidoo about how my mental health almost destroyed me until I finally found a panic attack remedy. Great Lens.
  • lakeerieartists Jul 19, 2009 @ 11:22 pm | delete
    I hope writing this has helped with healing. Blessed by an Angel.
  • jptanabe Jul 17, 2009 @ 5:21 pm | delete
    Thank you so much for sharing this deeply painful story. I hope it does help with your healing. My daughter's best friend's sister committed suicide a couple of years ago. It was so hard to find words to comfort them-my daughter, her friend and her friend's family. We believe in life after death, but it's not easy to imagine a happy afterlife for those who commit suicide. And impossible to understand why they chose to do it, especially when they don't tell anyone of their intentions. Your story is so moving, it just touches the heart in a special way.
  • Ladydove62 Jul 13, 2009 @ 10:26 pm | delete
    This lens is a work of art. Jagged and heart rending, I commend you for your honesty in the potrayal. God Bless
  • Miztah_Man Jul 9, 2009 @ 8:25 pm | delete
    This lens is amazing. It is absolutly amazing. Bravo. I have never read any webpage of any kind this touching. This site is going to help so many people. It was like being in a documentary reading this. Thank you for showing everyone exactly how powerful the written word can be...
  • LaurenZimmerman Jul 7, 2009 @ 4:41 pm | delete
    Your story touched my heart and I place you and your family in my prayers. Understanding that each person, no matter who they are in our lives, has a personal path of understanding themselves, sometimes helps ease the pain of decisions made by those we love. Please know, without doubt, that something is gained by even the most painful experiences.

    May peace enfold the future days of you and your loved ones,
    Lauren
  • boutiqueshops Jul 7, 2009 @ 10:33 am | delete
    Congratulations on your Purple Star, dear friend! This is such a powerful lens! Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all who see it. You are a blessing to know and I am extra blessed to count you as my friend. Best wishes for your continuing success here, there and everywhere, dear Bev! All my love, Sylvia
  • eclecticeducation Jul 7, 2009 @ 1:36 am | delete
    I am so sorry for your loss. I use to volunteer at Suicide Prevention Hotline and it was really tough at times. I remember at least once coming home in tears because of a really difficult call. You were really brave to write your story. I hope it makes a difference in somebody's life. 5*
  • cconiam Jul 5, 2009 @ 9:01 pm | delete
    A very heartfelt story. I'm so sorry for your family. I hope that you gained some Peace in writing this lens.
  • drkathy2 Jul 5, 2009 @ 5:04 pm | delete
    a very touching site. i am sure the information and support you provide is helpful to many.
    Dr. kathy
  • jgelien Jul 5, 2009 @ 12:05 pm | delete
    No words can describe how deeply your story has moved me. Thank you for sharing a painful piece of your heart. God bless.
  • jhsands Jul 3, 2009 @ 8:29 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your sad story, it has touched me deeply. My world has collapsed around me and reading your heart felt story has given me more strength to understand. Sadly, depression and the feeling of hopelessness are my constant companion, however the up-side of this allows me to empathize with others on a deeper level.

    Thank you again, and my love and prayers are with you and your girls.
  • Abagayle Jul 3, 2009 @ 10:58 am | delete
    A wonderful lens.

    My big sister has attempted suicide 5 times since her 37th birthday. She has a young daughter and even the thought of leaving her without a mother doesn't stop her suicide attempts.

    You did a great job on this lens. The information and writing are superb. The formatting and color theme are very tasteful. You are doing a great job here and will hopefully help many people.
  • Jul 2, 2009 @ 10:25 pm | delete
    Wow Bev! Thank-you for sharing this and letting me know that you had it, well written and a real inspiration to me and many others I am sure. I so appreciate having met you and had the pleasure of having so many great phone conversations with you. Your lens touched my heart and gave me a little more about Bev and what Bev has endured as well. Your contribution and sharing is a giving of yourself that is amazing. I am so honored and blessed with your life story and your own spirituality that speaks without words but is heartfelt in me. Such a powerful lens! Your strength and courage is unbelievable and this is just one large part of your life that makes you the success that you have become today!
  • Cynthia Jul 2, 2009 @ 6:03 pm | delete
    My heartfelt prayers go out over the tragic loss of a man obviously loved very deeply.And thanks for being brave and sharing your story.I hope you find happiness.
  • Pot-Pie-Guy Jul 2, 2009 @ 1:25 pm | delete
    Bev, I am so glad that I came across your lens. I get the thought of suicide in my head sometimes....actually pretty often, and I suffer from depression and bipolar illness, and sometimes I feel as though it's the only way out. However I am strong willed and refuse to allow myself to make such a cowardly decision. I came across your lens by accident and it was very capturing to my interest. I'm very glad that I read it all. You've helped me to understand a better aspect of what others will feel if something like this were to happen to me. Thanks for taking the time to share your story. :-)
  • MikeMitzner Jul 2, 2009 @ 11:47 am | delete
    Suicide has been an increasing problem among teens where I live. I'm very sorry for your loss, but even more proud that you chose to share it with others to prevent them from suffering as well. Very powerful lens, God Bless.
  • kingkurt2001 Jun 30, 2009 @ 7:10 pm | delete
    I suffer from severe depression due to a head injury that I had as a child. I can tell you that depression is not an easy thing to live with. I have a son now; so that's one of the reasons for my not going the route of suicide. I've been hospitalized three times so far, for having suicidal thoughts. I take medication religiously to help me deal with my depression. I see my medication as being an essential part of my recovery as I try to live some type of a normal life. I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure that it will help many who read it.
  • MadameAddams Jun 30, 2009 @ 2:45 pm | delete
    I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. My mother suffers with depression and my father left her because of it. I sometimes fear that she will take her life. I have had one friend who committed suicide last year and a part of me died with her. I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Anyone who suffers with this illness is unfortunately in a place where their loved ones can't reach them. I know that much. I hope you and your girls find peace and live life to the full. Take care,

    Michelle
  • Brid Jun 30, 2009 @ 12:10 am | delete
    You are courageous Bev. There is a new book out about depression by Dr. Mary Ann Block. You can get it through this site: www.blockcenter.com -

    Dr. Block was compelled to go to medical school at the age of 39 to save her daughter after doctors made the child ill with inappropriate use of drugs for bladder infections. Today her daughter is a healthy adult as a result of her mother's determination and devotion. Dr. Block was honored...

    I sincerely hope this will help in better understanding this phenomenon. There is more to it sometimes though.

    Suicide is murder. Murder of self. How much responsibility one can take for the other while protecting their own life and sanity along with the children's? One can wonder...

    Doesn't depression has a characteristic of dwelling in blame? Blaming others mostly but also oneself. Hence the guilt in the survivors. It could stem from that, to some degree.

    The future lay open for you and your daughters to embrace. Sincerely,

    Brid
  • jseven Jun 28, 2009 @ 11:03 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing such a personal heartbreak...I pray that you heal and enjoy life again with your children and grandchild....
  • Luis Viega Jun 28, 2009 @ 9:13 pm | delete
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    "It is necessary for us to learn from others' mistakes. You will not live long enough to make them all yourself."
    [img]http://www.picturehoster.org/storage/542.jpg[/img]
  • Margo_Arrowsmith Jun 28, 2009 @ 10:14 am | delete
    This is an amazing, important and brave lens! 5* to you and for your daughters.
  • Useful_Knowledge Jun 27, 2009 @ 4:23 pm | delete
    I am sorry for your loss.I deal with depression also.
  • laughingmoon_69 Jun 27, 2009 @ 11:02 am | delete
    Thank you for having the courage to share your story. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family... as I know the sadness all too well. It will be a year in September since my fiance took his life. I miss him terribly! I really haven't talked to anyone outside my family yet... it's too hard since I was the one who found him and cut him down. To top it off I was all alone in a strange city for hours until family could get there... it was devistating! No one should have to go through that!
  • Dawn_Mathisen_aka_Candle_Dawn Jun 27, 2009 @ 3:15 am | delete
    You are a very strong, brave and courageous woman to write this lens. No one is going to think badly of you. None of us really know what we would do if it was our loved ones. I pray for healing for you and your girls. Know that you did everything you knew at the time and allow your heart to heal. I hope your writing this lens helped start that process. Best wishes!
  • BradKamer Jun 26, 2009 @ 10:17 pm | delete
    It takes a lot of courage and love to write a dedication to your husband; as well as plea to others to know the signs of the devasting effects of depression. Life has a way of hitting us with amazing highs and obviously traumatic lows. We pick ourselves up when were down and move forward because that is all we can do! Great lens.
  • clemency Jun 26, 2009 @ 5:27 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story, it was very brave of you. Namaste.
  • Jojomay Jun 26, 2009 @ 5:57 am | delete
    A lovely tribute to a lost soul! He is still with you, just watching from another place!
  • Biomechanoid Jun 25, 2009 @ 4:16 pm | delete
    Hell of a tragic story in my opinion. Feel so sorry for your husband, but life goes on, we can't stay in the past, we must strive to future.
    And this is a great lens by the way.
  • BetsyG Jun 25, 2009 @ 2:23 pm | delete
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I nearly lost my husband, but, mercifully, he decided at the last minute not to go through with it. You've suffered a tragedy of unimaginable import. Thank you for sharing your story.
  • jfjones Jun 25, 2009 @ 10:08 am | delete
    This is a very powerful lense. My heart goes out to you.
  • DJanz Jun 24, 2009 @ 7:33 pm | delete
    Thank you for writing this. The "first love of my life" took his life last year, one day after his birthday. It still makes me very sad because in the months prior to his suicide I had this feeling that I was supposed to call him, and I didn't. I still have guilt.
  • Robin Cain Jun 24, 2009 @ 6:29 pm | delete
    I came across your posting accidentally and I just want to thank you for your efforts and courage in putting all this out there. I cannot imagine your loss nor the life you led up to this point and my heart goes out to you. You cannot take blame for missing any of the red flags and I hope in time you will see that you did everything you could with what you knew. I truly hope this post will reach that someone out there pondering suicide and you are able to save their life. My heart goes out to you.
  • tripplebeam80 Jun 24, 2009 @ 3:15 pm | delete
    I see why this is in the top 100...or top 5 actually. Very touching story and you are a very strong person. Thank you for sharing. I'm thinking about doing a lens about my dad. Thanks again...
  • Jun 24, 2009 @ 11:59 am | delete
    I am praying for you right now.
  • prosperity66 Jun 24, 2009 @ 4:59 am | delete
    I'm so sorry for you. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

    I really hope creating this lens helped you in curing your sense of guilt as you aren't guilty. Hope he's happier where he's gone.

    I don't know if I would be able to deal with such a tragedy like you did.
  • needatitleokc Jun 23, 2009 @ 10:42 pm | delete
    Your story touched me as my friends brother hung himself. A school mate of mine hung himself and my mothers friends son shot himself all in six months time in our neighborhood I was young and could not understand at the time why they would want to do that. I watched my friend and her family suffer from the loss. They never seem to thank about the pain that is put on the family. They all kept trying to go back to the last time they talked to him and what they could have said to changed the way he was thinking. I am so sorry for you loss and know this testimony will help others. Carolyn Cecil www.needatitleokc.com
  • paperfacets Jun 23, 2009 @ 2:54 pm | delete
    Even with the second reading I mind goes empty and there is only silence. This is a brave undertaking.
  • Fergy Jun 23, 2009 @ 8:24 am | delete
    Great lens. I haven't been touched by a tragedy like this, but I feel for you. There's a great video by Good Charlotte about this topic. It's on youtube. The people in it share their stories and sorrow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1xJR8RTZCU
  • whitemoss Jun 23, 2009 @ 4:43 am | delete
    This is very moving. It's so brave of you to share this. I hope it has helped you- I'm sure it will help others
  • jeev Jun 22, 2009 @ 3:13 pm | delete
    Sad story. Dont know why i read it but i think its worth a read for anyone sufferring from depression (not just suicidal). I am sorry for your loss and i am sincere about it.
  • Jun 22, 2009 @ 2:58 pm | delete
    Thank you for taking the time to write such an important lense. There are so many people who need to read this so that they can understand what effect suicide has
  • Jun 22, 2009 @ 2:58 pm | delete
    Thank you for taking the time to write such an important lense. There are so many people who need to read this so that they can understand what effect suicide has
  • jvizzini Jun 22, 2009 @ 7:28 am | delete
    Great lens! I love it when I see real people writing quality lens. There is so much junk on www.squidoo.com and seeing something that is compelling to read is just awesome!

    More info about me can be found at: http://www.squidoo.com/accidentattorneys

    My latest project is: Accident/Lawyers Attorney Firms - www.accidentattorneyfirms.com
  • cyberdenizen Jun 22, 2009 @ 5:37 am | delete
    By the way, thanks for sharing your story. I think this is a lens that could save a life!
  • cyberdenizen Jun 22, 2009 @ 5:15 am | delete
    I'm so sorry that you had to go through the pain of losing a loved one through suicide. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I know how painful that can be. My uncle, who was like a Dad to me, shot himself last December. I read somewhere that suicide does not get rid of the pain; it merely deflects it to those who are left behind.

    I don't have the right to judge your husband nor my uncle, though. I, myself, have struggled with depression and survived two suicide attempts. I also know how terrible depression can be. It took many years before I finally learned how to deal with depression the way I should.

    A person who suffers from depression needs help and support. We should never hesitate to ask for help when we need it. But a lot of the work has to be done us. We need to help ourselves. I've learned that vigilance is the best way to deal with depression. We should watch our thoughts. When suicidal thoughts enter our minds, we need to "self-distract," so we won't self-destruct.
  • rosariomontenegro Jun 21, 2009 @ 10:51 pm | in reply to Matre | delete
    I only can offer prayers. I will pray that your pain be alleviated. I will pray that your family and friends will come closer and that you allow them to be close to you. I will pray that a door will open, that your financial problems will be resolved. You are not alone. Please seek help. You will find it.
  • rosariomontenegro Jun 21, 2009 @ 10:44 pm | delete
    I don't think there is anything that you could've done better, or more.
    What he did is not your fault, it's not his either. His mind was taken by things that he wasn't able to tell, he wasn't possibly able even to see and name for himself.
    He has been lucky to have you since you both were so young.
    He suffered so much he didn't have the space inside to think of anything but stopping the pain. That's why he didn't think of you all.
    He will reach a better place. Please just keep praying for him. If you are not in the habit of praying, just forgiving him is going to benefit him greatly.
    My heart is with you and your family.
    Thank you for telling your story.
  • jvizzini Jun 21, 2009 @ 10:29 pm | delete
    Great lens! I love it when I see real people writing quality lens. There is so much junk on www.squidoo.com and seeing something that is compelling to read is just awesome!

    More info about me can be found at: www.squidoo.com/accidentattorneys

    My latest project is: www.accidentattorneyfirms.com
  • NormaJeanSun Jun 21, 2009 @ 10:32 am | delete
    As the comments reflect, many real humans deal with this issue. I too have similar experiences which can be discovered in the Memoir, Norma Jean's Sun by Artist Kris Courtney. As my life continues to explore avenues of expression, the folds dark verse light are always visible. Please take time to view www.kriscourtney.com or stop by my lens for information related.

    Thank you, Kris
  • lynic141257 Jun 21, 2009 @ 12:31 am | delete
    Like so many I also Thank You for having the courage to share this parts I could understand yes some of it was hard to read but I'm so glad I did 5*
  • swood01 Jun 19, 2009 @ 5:15 pm | delete
    Great lens and it reminds me of the phrase "bitter or better". Life can be very difficult for everyone and some allow the tragedies to make them bitter. Seems that you have chosen the later.

    God Bless and thank you for sharing.
  • dc64 Jun 19, 2009 @ 1:21 pm | delete
    Thankfully, I haven't had to directly deal with this kind of pain, and I sincerely wish you the best. You have done a great service to people who have had to go through something like this, and from reading the comments, I see that you've touched many hearts, as you have touched mine. May God bless you for your courage.
  • WhiteOak50 Jun 19, 2009 @ 6:26 am | delete
    Well, now that I am sitting here crying, I should have read this lens before I sent you the message, which explains why I wrote what I did. Geez, I am so sorry..I think I am going to go and try to restart my day now.
  • LindaJM Jun 19, 2009 @ 5:35 am | delete
    It took me a while to have the courage to read this. I know it was much harder for you to write than for me to read. I identified with parts of this... the verbal abuse and his behavior. I'm so sorry he suffered the way he did (fibromyalgia, depression) and hope that you and your daughters find peace daily.
  • lwhitelaw Jun 18, 2009 @ 9:41 pm | delete
    You're very brave to tell your story. Certainly a very important story and I agree with you that there needs to be more education about suicide the possible causes (such as lead poisining causing depression as one other person commented) and treatments. I cried reading your story. I hope that the experience of creating this lens has helped you to heal some more.
  • CCGAL Jun 18, 2009 @ 8:22 pm | delete
    My heart is full - I can't find the words to tell you how deeply this touched me. 5* and a Fan.
  • PepperAnn49 Jun 18, 2009 @ 12:57 pm | delete
    Wonderful lens.
  • burlington7 Jun 18, 2009 @ 12:29 pm | delete
    Thanks for reaching out to others, too.

    Another angle often missed is that depression, chronic fatigue, mood, behavior issues, learning or communications disorders, etc. can be behavioral manifestations of an environmentally caused toxicity. Lead, aluminum and mercury, etc. metals over time can mimic ADHD, autism, Alzheimers, even Parkinsons etc neuro-disorders in genetically vulnerable people

    Aspergers Syndrome is common among engineers. An engineer PhD with Princeton etc credentials cured himself of symptoms like your husband's by treating himself for heavy-metal poisoning.

    Heavy metals are in lead pipes, lead glass, cookware, aluminum heated, braces, tuna, living by power plant (mercury), eating a lot of fish, some vaccines (e.g. many flu shots, tetanus shots still have mercury), fluorescent bulbs broken, dental fillings. It's often cumulative.

    Dr. Cutler attributes his poisoning to dental work, but cites other environmental links, too. Read Amalgam Illness, www.noamalgam.com
  • DaJer Jun 18, 2009 @ 12:20 pm | delete
    I came in here just to pass the time. I leave, almost in tears and with a much different idea about suicide.
  • LizMac60 Jun 18, 2009 @ 10:18 am | delete
    Bev it may seem strange to say it but this is such a beautiful lens. It touches the heart
  • alteredkat Jun 18, 2009 @ 6:52 am | delete
    What a touching, heartfelt story to share with all of us. Thank you.

    The part about things in life your husband missed rings so true to me...you were kind enough to comment on my breast cancer lens and that's exactly what I meant when I mentioned my father's death...that feeling the next day when we all woke up to a sunrise and began plans for someone who didn't...you realize the clock just keeps ticking...it's forever stuck in my brain.

    p.s. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers - I sincerely appreciate them.
  • enslavedbyfaeries Jun 18, 2009 @ 12:30 am | delete
    I saw your post in the Rocket Moms forum and wanted to congratulate you on the success of this lens. I've been watching it rise in the rankings for a while now, but chose not to visit because I knew it would be heartbreaking. My grandfather took his own life in March and I knew that reading your story was going to open some wounds that have just started to heal. I am so inspired by your courage to tell your story because I know that it will help so many deal with their own sadness, pain, and guilt. Thank you.
  • LaraineRose Jun 18, 2009 @ 12:26 am | delete
    Dear Bev, You have taken a very bad situation and turned it into something beneficial for others. Thank you for this insightful information. Although I know you and yours will never forget .. I pray that the pain will decrease in time.
  • mukunda22 Jun 17, 2009 @ 10:05 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I was a suicide crisis worker for many years--Don't know how I did it. I commend you for your strength and resilience.
  • shoofirefly Jun 17, 2009 @ 9:52 pm | delete
    Bev, this has been the only blog or squidoo lens I have read from top to bottom. Your eloquence is a gift and I believe you will truly help others with your gift. I am sorry for your family's loss and pain, and I also hurt for you. May God bless you and continue to give you all strength. Thank you.
  • effalicious Jun 17, 2009 @ 5:25 pm | delete
    This was extremely powerful, it took great courage to write what you did.
  • Crystal_Booth Jun 17, 2009 @ 10:31 am | delete
    This is the first Squidoo lens ever to bring me to tears. It is beautifully written and I can only imagine how difficult it was to create. I am so sorry for your loss and pray that things will work out for you and your daughters. Blessings
  • JanTUB Jun 17, 2009 @ 9:42 am | delete
    I read your Scarlet Widow tale and found that moving, but this is gut-wrenching. You are so good to provide all the helpful references to getting help if suicide is pulling one. I suppose you know that the ultimate act of guilt manipulation is suicide. Please don't let unearned guilt taint your new life. God bless you and Terry and your children. Links to both lenses on my new one.
  • PreciousTreasures Jun 16, 2009 @ 7:35 pm | delete
    excellent reading! so so sorry for your losses! A member of my family just passed away a few days ago. Don't know if it was natural causes or suicide yet. Your lens is very very powerful. Thank you so much for reaching out!!!
  • AndiEnns Jun 16, 2009 @ 4:54 pm | delete
    Very powerful lens. 5*
  • luvmyludwig Jun 16, 2009 @ 3:27 pm | delete
    I love this lens, I just read it again and I've lensrolled it to all my mental health and bipolar lenses.
  • WindyWinters Jun 16, 2009 @ 1:10 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story. I feel your pain & your heartful plea. I am so sorry that you had to go through this life experience. May your family be at peace & may your story help someone in need. :)
  • 24websurf Jun 16, 2009 @ 11:51 am | delete
    I find it hard to imagine what you and your children have dealt with. I can only pray time will help. Your level introspection is amazing. Thank you for showing me the signs to look for.
  • freedom-debt-relief Jun 16, 2009 @ 10:57 am | delete
    Thanks for the share... you are courageous and kind hearten. This would help a lot of people.
  • BevsPaper Jun 16, 2009 @ 7:37 am | in reply to Matre | delete
    You are not alone, there are many people who can offer you emotional support. I tried using your contact me but it isn't working. Please, if you came back to read this - CONTACT ME! Please!
  • Matre Jun 16, 2009 @ 1:40 am | delete
    Suicide is a thought that enters my mind every day, as every day, I wake up disappointed ... disappointed that I woke up. I raised my two kids solo since 1995.

    In 2001, I entered a hospital for routine back surgery, and was infected with MRSA around my spine. I almost didn't survive, and often wish I had not. I have been unable to work since, yet even Social Security turned me down. I've lost 60 pounds, and I'm in pain every minute of every day, and the acute pain is like lightning bolts.

    I rarely leave my house, because I can't. I'm all alone, and within a year or so, I'll have no money to pay my mortgage. I have no intention of being homeless. Death will free me.

    The hospital kept me alive, but took away my life.
  • LoKackl Jun 15, 2009 @ 5:31 pm | delete
    Bev, this lens inspired me to do a lens on loss and survival. Thanks to you for your courage. I know I blurbed hear earlier, but want you to know I lensroll this on begin-again. See you around Squidoo!
  • Hemorrhoid-Cure-Treatment-Relief Jun 15, 2009 @ 2:43 pm | delete
    The pain of depression is deep. It is not rational. If it was rational, he would have remembered about his loving wife and children and thought about the consequences of suicide. But the pain is so deep an severe, that the consequences of killing himself was overlooked. The blinding pain needed to be stopped.

    I know it is no consolation to you to understand that his pain is gone. He did leave you empty and hurt, but no one was at fault. You did not fail him. Guilt, like his depression, is irrational. Both need to be worked through. It takes effort and time.

    I am glad that you are beginning to do so.
  • jimisan Jun 14, 2009 @ 2:50 am | delete
    A very touching story. Everyone that read this story could feel the hurt that you've gone through. Though the wound has healed the scars remained.
  • SerMar Jun 13, 2009 @ 4:58 pm | in reply to Teddi14 | delete
    I'm very interested in your article about FaFacts. Like you, I think that many (if not all) the problems we have with our health and brain disfunctionality has to do with nutritions deficiencies.
  • SerMar Jun 13, 2009 @ 4:34 pm | delete
    Thank you for writing about it! These things need to be talket about!
    I think it may help other people in similar situations!
    I'm sorry I don't find the words to write what I feel...
  • tbirdsell11 Jun 13, 2009 @ 10:48 am | delete
    You are an awesome person for telling your story and getting the information out there for others. I had an Aunt and Uncle and my Uncle would always tell my Aunt that he would love her forever and a day. When he died from lung cancer the very next day she committed suicide. I'm sure that was not the intent of my Uncle. Now their grown children no longer have a mother or father or their children without Grampa and Gramma. I found her choice to be really selfish because of the children and grandchildren. But she only knew what she was feeling.
    I am hopeful that with you telling your story and sharing it, it will ease your pain and the pain of your daughters. I also hope that some day you will be able to move on, I know it will be hard.
    I will think of you and your daughters always.
  • Andras Nagy Jun 12, 2009 @ 1:39 am | delete
    I was deeply touched by your testimony, I often suffer from my anxieties and tend to be afflicted with moodiness. My wife's father was killed in a suicide so I know how hard is on two daughters when they lose their father. Having said that; I can see how a person just want to end his misery. We have no right to judge him, (except the pain he caused to his children, he made a CHOICE). My advise to you is to let go. When we love someone it should be unconditional and selfless. When we want someone whom we miss despite that we know he is hurting is sometimes selfish. I hope you do not take my note in a wrong way. Best love is to let go!
  • Tipi Jun 11, 2009 @ 12:40 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story, it has deeply touched my heart. I have a friend who took his life in February of 2008 on Valentine's Day. He's struggle with depression was just too great and he just wanted to go be with the Lord. Russ was like one of those angels here on earth to me, such a sweet one ... and I do miss him. I know how suicide hurts us from others that have done the same also.

    I will carry you in my heart from this day forth and your family.
    Susie
  • aliciaw92 Jun 10, 2009 @ 11:42 am | delete
    Your story is a powerful testimony. I wish you much success in touching the lives of others.
    I pray the Lord will give you peace for all the right and wrongs that you can't take back or change.
    Your life did change forever on that day and thank you for sharing your story. God Bless you and your family.
    You will save lives and be blessed
  • wishgirl Jun 10, 2009 @ 9:24 am | delete
    Wow! Thank you for sharing your experience! We all need hope! It's there, it's just that some have not yet found it.
  • TopStyleTravel Jun 9, 2009 @ 11:36 am | delete
    You are courageous share your experience. It may help others and their family/friends to understand the issue. This sadly happens to children also, as young as seven.
  • Heather426 Jun 9, 2009 @ 9:55 am | delete
    wow! what a journey! thanks for taking the time to do this.
  • Jun 9, 2009 @ 4:35 am | delete
    hey man...Your story is really very touching to my heart..
    My head and heart salutes to you every time...
  • EverydayMiracles Jun 8, 2009 @ 4:42 pm | delete
    What courage it must have taken for you to write this!

    My favorite cousin recently lost her own husband to suicide. During the time that she has been grieving I have felt so utterly helpless and I have found myself in denial several times. I've been there. I have wanted to take that way out. I've stopped myself, though never quite gotten the help that I needed.

    I understand what severe anxiety and panic attacks (and paranoia) can do to a person. I also understand that the help available where I live is good, but still limited. We don't have the money for me to seek the therapy I want, but I have no immediate plans to do anything drastic (and have consistently called hotlines when I've needed to, as well).

    Thank you for sharing this. It means a great deal. I wonder if you could cover the topic of helping loved ones grieve after a suicide death?
  • Ryan_McCullen Jun 8, 2009 @ 1:10 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing that with us. I don't see how insurance companies get to be the ones to decide when a patient is better. It seems like insurance companies almost always say someone is better before the doctor actually says they are better. Not to say that the insurance company is to blame for this tragedy, but the fact that they released him prematurely certainly didn't help.
  • Teddi14 Jun 8, 2009 @ 11:16 am | delete
    I really enjoyed reading this lens and that you shared this personal story. In Oct 1995 a good friend, my husband's best friend, committed suicide. Unlike your story his teenage son did find him. His father went into his woods and shot himself in the head along with talking a bunch of Vicidine (sp) to ensure that it would end his life. My husband and he were closer than brothers. And, like you at the exact time it occurred, he too felt something was wrong. But to late to help. That day's events are forever etched in my memory as if it were a movie I was watching. I too had thought about writing in down and sharing the story with others to help but I never have done it. This lens has inspired me to do it. My husband still struggles with dealing with his friend's death and I feel he will always be trying to deal with it. His friend left only two suicide notes. One for his kids and one for my husband. In the note he asked him to help take care of his kids...
  • Jenny Cohen Jun 8, 2009 @ 11:13 am | delete
    I am have been very involved in the world of Depression as it relates to the brain. As a human nutritionist I understand that the brain is made almost all of natural fat. Dr. Hiblin from the US Deptment of Health did a research study and I know that 97% of us do not have enough of the right fats in our diet. I will send my article Fat Facts to anyone who would like it. In my opionion the right fats will have a huge impact on this problem. Just look at our food and the toxins and the bad fats. Can't build a perfect brain on bacon and eggs! Omega 3's and other fats - a must! Look up and you cannot feel depressed.
    All language has meaning the expression 'Things are Looking Up'
    has a neuro-physical meaning. Try it you will not be able to feel depressed. Hope this helps at least one person today. I used to suffer this way and do not anymore. Your birthright is JOY!
  • Guitarnut Jun 8, 2009 @ 11:12 am | delete
    Thank you so much for sharing such a tragic, personal experience. Words escape me right now. You have my utmost respect. You have definitely touched my heart with your story.
  • boshemia Jun 7, 2009 @ 1:46 am | delete
    It is not often that I am stunned, but I am now. What an amazing story you have shared. Through my own struggles with depression and fibromyalgia I know the pain a person can endure but I don't want to miss a single thing... thank you for sharing your story, by sharing your pain you truly empower others to survive. It is no small contribution, we need people like you to speak out about the things that get left in the dark.
  • Ladymermaid Jun 6, 2009 @ 7:26 pm | delete
    Wow ........ this is an amazing tribute to your husband. Thank you for sharing this very personal story. I hope that this lens is able to make a difference to another persons life
    Ladymermaid
  • capriliz Jun 5, 2009 @ 6:54 pm | delete
    I had a brother who chose suicide. Decades later, it still haunts all of us. He was in his early 20's. Tragic.
  • mukunda22 Jun 5, 2009 @ 9:21 am | delete
    Death by suicide is one of those things that needs to come out of the closet. What you have done here is bring out what is often taboo into the open for all to absorb and synthesize.

    Thank you for this.
  • BevsPaper Jun 4, 2009 @ 5:33 pm | in reply to anomaly | delete
    I wish there was a way that I could contact you. I hope that you come back to this lens and see my message to you. It was very brave of you to write about your thoughts and I thank you for loving your parents enough not to have them suffer the pain of your loss. Most of all, I thank you for reaching out to others with your words. God Bless you Anomaly!!!
  • Carmel Jun 4, 2009 @ 2:30 pm | delete
    I am so sorry you and your family had to go through this terribly ordeal.

    I do hope this helped you by getting it out, and by being available to help others.

    I wish the absolutely best for you and your daughters.

    Here's something I love to do when I am stressed. I will try to put the
    link to it here. Haven't tried to do it before.

    God Bless You and Your Girls
    Carmel
  • brian57 Jun 4, 2009 @ 10:55 am | delete
    Nicely written. I'm sorry you had to go through that. This Friday will be the fourth anniversary of my uncle committing suicide, his story is very similar to your husband's. Two beautiful daughters, a loving wife, but a bout of depression he just couldn't dig himself out of. It's a very difficult thing to go through, my whole family still has trouble coming to grips with it.

    Just as another resource, a company I used to work for in Calgary, Canada has a series of suicide intervention workshops for anyone to take with a network of trainers throughout the world. The most well-known workshop is called ASIST, and after going through it almost two years to the day after my uncle's suicide, I have a better understanding and believe that if called upon, I could help somebody considering suicide. Their website is www.livingworks.net
  • anomaly Jun 4, 2009 @ 9:56 am | delete
    Thank you for having the strength to write this lens, it was difficult enough reading it. I have been dealing with depression for about a year now, and it varies in intensity but there's always a common undertone: the urge to end my life.

    As I told my friend: "If my parents weren't around, I would have offed myself by now"

    In retrospect, this may have been a very bad thing to say to a very good friend. But the idea of my mom and dad finding out I was dead has always been the controlling factor in my decision to not proceed with this wicked impulse. I can not bear to bring so much pain to them, no matter what it costs me.

    It may be impossible to rationalize away the pain, especially when there are biological or chemical factors involved, but it IS possible to understand why you should not choose suicide as the way out.

    I hope our words reach the right people at the right moment.
  • sweetzombie Jun 4, 2009 @ 12:32 am | delete
    Very moving. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope this lense has helped you find closure because you deserve to have some peace in your life.
  • Astrieanna Jun 3, 2009 @ 6:39 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story.
  • AbbasAbedi Jun 2, 2009 @ 2:19 pm | delete
    Excellent lens. 5*

    If you get a chance check out my Instant Stress Management lens.
  • mary Jun 2, 2009 @ 12:18 am | delete
    "Most of us feel depressed from time to time in our lives." It's really ture in this society
  • LoKackl Jun 1, 2009 @ 2:41 pm | delete
    Bev, thank you for sharing your story. Then, to put a design on it with your lens! Wonderful! I hope it generated much healing for you. Grief and depression have been crippling ingredients in so much of my life. I am so glad you found Suicide Survivors. I would like also to suggest an organization that has improved my life. Compassionate Friends, for bereaved parents and siblings.
  • TMZURVITA Jun 1, 2009 @ 9:45 am | delete
    great lens.

    Custom Search
  • Wysiwigs May 31, 2009 @ 6:59 pm | delete
    It is a wonderful thing to take such a tragic event in your life and use it to help someone else. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story with others!
  • kate-sedona May 31, 2009 @ 12:55 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story. I have a brother who suffers from depression. In a way I know what it feels like.
  • miss_zaren May 31, 2009 @ 12:08 pm | delete
    I sorry for what had happened. There must be something good behind all this. God knows what He's doing..
    Be strong.
  • The_Party_Animal May 30, 2009 @ 12:34 pm | delete
    wow I am so sorry for you and thankful you shared your story - I hope it may help someone out there.
  • ss834 May 30, 2009 @ 9:17 am | delete
    Thank you for this lens. I recently lost a friend who had long suffered with depression and self-destructive behaviors. We will never be sure if her death was suicide or accidental.
    I just wanted to thank you for your concern and express my condolences for your loss and your grief.
  • jasmineann May 30, 2009 @ 8:47 am | delete
    Extremely touching and heartfelt lens. You write with courage and from the heart. I am so sorry for your loss and do feel with your courage in writing this that you will help others. Gentle Hugs.
  • chass071775 May 29, 2009 @ 10:37 pm | delete
    I'm so sorry that this happened to you, I have been depressed before and I can tell you that sometimes when it gets that bad you feel their is no hope left. I have never been suicidal but I have felt close to it. I think he thought you and the girls would be better off without him. Someone in that state of mind has no control of their actions and for him to quit taking his medicine he was mentally on a rollercoaster. I cannot believe the insurance place quit paying he really needed to be admitted longer then that. Again I'm sorry and I think this is a great lens and for you to open up and tell your story, that takes a lot of courage.
  • KarateKatGraphics May 29, 2009 @ 7:44 pm | delete
    Amazing lens. I'm so sorry for your loss.
  • Suko May 27, 2009 @ 9:00 pm | delete
    Thank you. This lens may well share lives.
  • qlcoach May 27, 2009 @ 12:26 pm | delete
    Very touching and heart-felt lens. Thank you for your courage in sharing it. Hope you will visit my lens on secrets to emotional healing. Gary Eby, author and therapist.
  • BookMama May 27, 2009 @ 10:29 am | delete
    After I read this lens yesterday, I created a lens on natural depression treatments in the hopes of offering one more option to those worried about a family member. BarbRad is right above when she says when the minds are already made up, there is little loved ones can do even if they see the signs.

    While I believe anyone affected by depression either through having it or having a depressed love one, should get some professional help, I also believe there are some daily habits that reduce depression in many people and I would like to make them more common knowledge. Best wishes again.
  • May 27, 2009 @ 9:08 am | delete
    I'm very sorry and I understand what you went through...I see it everyday. I'm in the process of building a page that will try and council Police Officers that are contemplating suicide. Your story is heartbreaking, but guess what...you are strong keep living your life every day! Great lens.
  • BarbRad May 27, 2009 @ 2:54 am | delete
    I can't think of anything more devastating than losing a husband this way. I'm a three-time suicide survivor, but I don't ever believe my spouse would do this. We have both seen first hand three times the devastation suicide can cause to families, and we just wouldn't put each other through that. It's hard to imagine why someone would choose death over life, but there was once a time in my life when I was so depressed I had thoughts of wanting to die. Fortunately, I got help for my problem that had me depressed and got my life back together. I wish our neighbor, our friend, and our daughter had been willing to take a chance on continuing their lives and getting the help they needed. But their minds were made up. And when the minds are already made up, there is little loved ones can do even if they see the signs. Some people don't want to get help. I am so sorry you had to go through what you did.
  • diggyisking May 26, 2009 @ 2:32 pm | delete
    :( So sorry to hear what you went through.
    Thank you for sharing, very brave of you. My thoughts go out to you and your family tonight.
  • Beautiful-Bridal May 26, 2009 @ 1:12 pm | delete
    Depression is a disease like any other. Nothing to be ashamed of. Great lens.
  • BookMama May 26, 2009 @ 12:03 pm | delete
    My heart goes out to you. I hope that you have had some professional help in getting through this, in addition to family and friends.
  • Hotchachonia May 26, 2009 @ 11:07 am | delete
    I wish anyone who is at the desperate stage of depression could read your words on the effect their final action would have on the ones they would leave behind. Powerful testament, and I thank you for sharing.

    As the wife of a severely depressed man who goes in and out of suicidal ideation and attempts, I have strong empathy for what you are going through. May you find healing here. You certainly have the support.
  • Tuula_Olin May 24, 2009 @ 9:37 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing. These things need to be talked about for people to know what to do to help someone in similar situation. My hat off to you that you were there for him till the end.
  • Janet21 May 23, 2009 @ 10:26 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your personal story. Congrats on getting into the Top 100. Very well deserved. Blessed by a Squid Angel. :)
  • bdkz May 23, 2009 @ 6:53 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure you helped a lot of people.
  • Michelle May 22, 2009 @ 9:22 am | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story. I am fifty years old. My mother committed suicide with a prescription drug overdose when I was 12 years old. In those days, there was much stigma and no support for those left behind by a person who chose suicide. Suicide leaves a lifelong mark on those left behind. I have often yearned to share my story in a way that would benefit others. Thank you for opening the door to yours.
  • rane84 May 22, 2009 @ 9:10 am | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story and creating this lens to help others! A truly great act.
  • Caseyfern May 21, 2009 @ 10:56 pm | delete
    You, friend, a a true Warrior Woman. Thank you for sharing with strong shoulders and open eyes. Welcome to our group, warrior.
  • nofatlegs May 21, 2009 @ 1:22 pm | delete
    I lost my brother to suicide, you never really get over it. I suffer from depression myself but fortunately the thoughts of suicide are only fleeting the depression always lifts enough before it gets too bad. I'm fortunate that in South Africa we had a very good mental health system when I really needed it. I've learned to live with my brother's death and I'm able to lead a normal live now. Fortunately I've also reached the stage where there is no more guilt over what I should have done, it is what it is and I have accepted it. He could not live with the agony any more and we could not help him.
  • Margaret_Schaut May 20, 2009 @ 11:57 pm | delete
    Sometimes the best Squidooing is the most heartbreaking. I've known people who did the same, inexplicably, and its a mark on our hearts that doesn't go away. Blessings and the works. Thanks for your courage, your honesty and for opening your heart.
  • shevans May 19, 2009 @ 4:52 pm | delete
    Your lens has touched me deeply. My son has suffered from depression since he was a child, and suicidal thoughts have been a cloud for most of his life. I pray for peace and comfort every day, and I understand the difficulty and confusion of this issue. Peace and comfort to you, your family, and all people who are confornted with issues of depression and suicide.
  • KimGiancaterino May 18, 2009 @ 10:17 pm | delete
    One of my co-workers and I were working with a client and a movie was playing in the background. A scene was coming up in which the character's father shoots himself in the head. I knew that our client's father had committed suicide, so when she left the room I changed the channel. When my co-worker asked why, I explained. Then he told me that his own father had shot himself a few years before. We had worked together for over a year and although he talked about his family I could sense there was a missing piece to the puzzle. Afterwards he was able to talk freely about it and I think it really helped him deal with the feelings you describe here. I hope this has helped you. Squid Angel Blessings for a remarkable lens.
  • xboxemotz May 17, 2009 @ 6:09 pm | delete
    This is an amzing lens!! I hope that this will help others to possibly notice some of the signs before its to late. I have had to deal with suicide deaths on several different occassions. One inparticular time I felt I should have been able to stop it. But unfortunantly there was no stopping it. If anyone thinks someone has any of the signs please try and help. This lens is a very good awareness method. Thank You!!!!
  • aj2008 May 16, 2009 @ 4:43 am | delete
    Thank you for sharing this story. I have not had to live with the loss of someone who has committed suicide but I have lived with the fear of losing someone close to me ever since I was child. I live with an undercurrent of anger that anyone who says they love their family could put them through such pain & suffering & if they are successful, loss. These experiences are what underpins my own ill health & one day I may share the story but I am not ready to do that just yet.

    You say you did not spot the red flags but I wonder even if you had, would it have done any good? Would Jeff have listened? Would he have sought help sooner? But whatever you do, please do not blame yourself. Depression is a horrendous condition to have to deal with, both for sufferer & the familes who have to deal with it. It conditions the way you live because you are so scared of doing something to make it worse. It is similar to living with abuse.

    Blessings for an amazing lens and an amazing person.
  • chefkeem May 15, 2009 @ 12:04 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your story, Bev. Blessed by a SquidAngel today.
  • Gandree May 11, 2009 @ 8:14 am | delete
    I am so, so sorry that you have had to live through all this and pray that you and your daughters have found peace at last. I haven't had to deal with depression but I know about coping. My husband has muscular dystrophy and is growing weaker each year. It affects everything our family does but somehow you deal with it. I hope others find help through this lens. I'm so proud of you for making it!
  • Mickie_G May 10, 2009 @ 5:20 pm | delete
    My best friend lost her daughter to suicide. Yours is a heartbreaking story.

    I lost my husband in 1994, not to suicide, and the struggle of being a young widow was difficult for me and my two daughters. I went to a support group for young widowed people. That was the best thing I did for myself. Support groups are wonderful for grieving people.
  • vbright105 May 10, 2009 @ 2:05 pm | delete
    What a heart wrenching story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I will probably help more than you realize. Keep up the great work!
  • june May 9, 2009 @ 6:16 pm | delete
    We lost our son to suicide in 2003. Not a day goes by that I don't want to yell out to him and have him answer me back, just to make contact. I don't know exactly what I'd ask him, except why. I think he told us in many ways why...but the reasons didn't and don't make sense to me. Depression is something that is overwhelming and impossible to explain to someone who has not experienced it. Until my son died, I did not know what it felt like either. I just wish I would have encouraged him more, told him I loved him more, was less disappointed with some of the choices he made when he was not stable (that hurts the worst) and listened to him on a deeper level. I was afraid and in denial about his diagnosis of BiPolar disorder, which makes no sense because I lost my mom and grandfather to suicide too and mental illness runs in my side of the family. Professionals don't understand mental illnesses and can't treat them very well and so it all comes down to love and acceptance.
  • BarbRad May 9, 2009 @ 5:06 am | delete
    We lost our best friend to suicide in 2003. We were the last people he saw and I was the last person he talked to. I still keep feeling we should have picked up on it. In hindsight, we should have seen the signs and handled the situation differently. Several times a week I find myself coming up with things we should have asked, should have said, should have done on that last night when he came to say good-bye. We just didn't realize that was why he came. We will never know the real reason why. We have rationalized many. Perhaps I will get to the place where I can write about Rich, our friendship and how hard the loss was on us. He was the second person we knew that chose to end his life. The first was a neighbor we didn't know half so well. She had already informed the neighborhood of what she intended to do and we were actually taking shifts to try to prevent it. In the end she fooled us. We were able to save her after she overdosed. But we weren't able to save her the second time.
  • mulberry May 8, 2009 @ 3:52 pm | delete
    No doubt the signs were there, but as you indicated when you're in the midst of so much strife there is simply no way to see it. I'm so sorry that this happened to your family and I hope that you will all heal and find the joy you deserve.
  • N376 May 8, 2009 @ 12:50 am | delete
    This story has both touched and affected me deeply.
  • hoosiershelpinghoosiers May 5, 2009 @ 10:04 am | delete
    Thank you for creating this lens. I know it must have been very difficult to create, but I also know that someday it will help someone somewhere... maybe it has already. When my younger sister was 18, her boyfriend killed himself by jumping in front of a bus. His brother then killed himself a year later. A year after that, their grandfather. Although my younger sister was a very tough girl, I know that she never got over it, and lived life on the edge after that. She was killed in an automobile accident at 34, leaving four kids behind. Besides giving people reasons not to take their lives, thank you for providing the stages of grief.
  • May 4, 2009 @ 10:57 pm | delete
    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for bringing awareness to this subject - people need to talk about it more. So many people struggle with depression. I'm sure that your words will help many people.
  • GypsyPirate May 4, 2009 @ 8:56 pm | delete
    Wow. Thank you. Bless you.
  • poutine May 2, 2009 @ 5:16 pm | delete
    This is so sad, so tragic. I understand that your family
    is still dealing with the pain.

    I hope that this lens will help you and others also.

    Poutine
  • jeffwend May 1, 2009 @ 7:52 pm | delete
    Wow, thank you for sharing this story. I hope that it helped to bring some closure and that it may help others who are struggling in a similar circumstance.
    Blessed by another squid angel
  • Janusz May 1, 2009 @ 3:31 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing your Story, Blessed by a Squid Angel.
  • rms Apr 29, 2009 @ 12:53 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing this with us!
  • hlkljgk Apr 23, 2009 @ 8:39 pm | delete
    wow, thank you for sharing your difficult story.
  • Apr 22, 2009 @ 10:05 pm | delete
    Thank you for sharing this. 5*
    I'm very depressed myself due to chronic pain and sometimes have suicidal thoughts but the love for my loved seems to be what's keeping me here.
  • OhMe Apr 22, 2009 @ 1:01 pm | delete
    Very well written on an extremely difficult subject. Thank you for sharing your story and I think your words will help others. My heart goes out to you and your girls.
  • stargazer00 Apr 22, 2009 @ 12:52 am | delete
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing your story.
  • mysticmama Apr 21, 2009 @ 8:53 pm | delete
    Wonderfil lens, thank you for sharing your story...telling our story not only helps us heal, but also helps others going through similar situations...I would like to invite you to submit this excellent lens to the Sharing Hearts Group :) 5*
  • MsSnow4a Apr 17, 2009 @ 5:57 pm | delete
    I am so sorry to hear you went through al of this. I did too with my mom. I didnt even realize it but I had all of the stages of grie and still there. I get very angry with my mom for leaving and all the things she missed. Thanks for sharing . I made a lens dedicating it to my mother.
  • EverythingMouse Apr 14, 2009 @ 4:59 am | delete
    Such a moving lens - it is difficult to find the words for such an outstanding personal and heartfelt lens. Angel Blessings to you
  • Comfortdoc Apr 13, 2009 @ 12:09 am | delete
    Thank you for sharing your difficult story. It might be helpful to include some of the links for those thinking of suicide - http://www.save.org/ and for the Survivors, such as Survivors of Suicide - http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/
    Angel Blessings
  • spirituality Apr 11, 2009 @ 1:21 am | delete
    Wow. I have no words. but you've been blessed by a squidoo angel :) and please submit this to my http://www.squidoo.com/groups/consciousness consciousness & psychology group.
  • Dkprincess6 Apr 10, 2009 @ 1:25 pm | delete
    Wow! This must have taken a lot of courage for you to write! An amazing story! I hope it helped you.
  • Kathy Ward Apr 10, 2009 @ 9:46 am | delete
    Many years ago I came to the realization that people who commit suicide are selfish. It makes me angry to see the devastation they cause their loved ones. How can they truly love, and then do something so hurtful? You are really only thinking of yourself when you do contemplate suicide...how YOU feel, how no one loves YOU, etc.etc. It is the ultimate self-centered act. My personal opinion of your story is that the only thing you did wrong was not calling his bluff and leaving him many years before. You have my total sympathy however and I know from my own life that hindsight is always better.
  • a_willow Apr 10, 2009 @ 6:13 am | delete
    Thank you for finding strength to share your story. It's hard and painful to relive all of it when you write about it but also healing at same time. Blessing to you and your daughter!
  • drifter0658 Apr 10, 2009 @ 12:35 am | delete
    Thank you for your honesty and this bare look at the side of reality many do not want to see, even from a distance.

    My heart goes out to you and your girls for what they have missed.
  • Ramkitten Apr 10, 2009 @ 12:15 am | delete
    Just an amazing story you've shared, written just ... beautifully? No, that's not the right word. At any rate, incredible writing, so well told. I was riveted to say the least. Thank you for sharing this, and I hope it gets all the attention it deserves.
  • CherylK Apr 8, 2009 @ 9:13 pm | delete
    I'm so sorry you had this sad experience but I'm glad you had the courage to write about it. You are a very brave person.
  • JustBon-Crochet-Designs Apr 8, 2009 @ 12:30 am | delete
    This is so sad and heartbreaking. Thanks so much for sharing your story, which I'm sure will help others in a similar position.
  • MikeMoore Apr 7, 2009 @ 9:15 am | delete
    I don't even know what to say. It's such a sad story. You must be a very strong woman, and I'm sorry for your loss. However, if you meant this lens to help others, you've probably hit the mark there. It's a great lens, and a very personal one.
  • luvmyludwig Apr 6, 2009 @ 6:46 am | delete
    This was a beautifully written lens on a very ugly subject and I commend you for conveying your feelings so well. This lens is very well organized and will be a great help to others who face or have faced this situation before.

    I am so sorry that you had to go through this. In the past I have been in such a hole emotionally that I could feel myself slipping away, but I have always had so much to live for and even though I had those thoughts, I never took the steps to act.

    Being brought up in church, I always felt led to pray and my mind would be flooded with images of those who I knew loved me. It is hard to think clearly when your pain, either inner or outer, is so great. Thankfully somehow I was able to think about how my decision would effect others when I reached the depressed side of my bipolar disorder.

    Would you please join the Mental Health Awareness Group if you haven't already. I will be going through and approving lenses this week.
  • Joan4 Apr 5, 2009 @ 7:37 am | delete
    Oh yes, Mimi! I agree. A person who is suicidal is only trying to escape their own pain, which has become unbearable. I think the hardest thing for us to learn when we experienced this horror, is that there was nothing we could do. Our dad met folks at the door after our brother's suicide saying "This was Mel's decision. We will honor it." I think those words will be with me the rest of my life. Yes, it was his decision. Yes, I will try to honor that decision. Beautiful lens about a very difficult subject.
  • JennyLynn86 Apr 1, 2009 @ 2:07 pm | delete
    My best friend from college killed herself about six weeks ago. She was a vibrant, lovely person with two little boys. Her decline was fast: about 6 months from the beginning of the depressive cycle to the act itself. I'm not sure you ever get over a death, but a suicide is impossible. There are too many unanswered questions and so much confusion. Thanks for sharing; this lens convinced me to do my own about my friend. Perhaps we could start a group?
  • Zut_Moon Mar 31, 2009 @ 7:43 pm | delete
    Suicide takes an emotional toll on those left behind as you well have demonstrated here. My daughter took fer life 10 years ago and I speak of in it my lens Self Destructive Behaviour. It is a topic that needs to spoken of and not one to be shut away. Hopefully your lens (and mine) will help others to cope with the event and the things that occur before and after.
  • GrowWear Mar 31, 2009 @ 7:32 pm | delete
    Having a suicide in my own family, I can say that I have come to believe that suicides don't leave us or their promising future full of memories and love -- they leave their pain and suffering. Suicide is so sad; it's a true horror of life. I've lensrolled you to What A Difference A Friend Makes, my lens on staying connected to those with a mental illness. Condolences to you and your daughters. Your story broke my heart; I hope this lens helps many, many people. It seems to me that the road to wellness is to be under a doctor's care; I hope your readers will consider the importance of your words on that.

by

BevsPaper

Hello, my name is Bev. This is a personal lens for me and my desire is that it gives hope and encouragement to those who read it.

Feeling creative? Create a Lens!

Explore related pages

Related Tags