Jesus vs Kim Jong-il

Official state sources state that the 'dear leader' was born in an enshrined log cabin along the peak of the sacred Mount Peaktu some time in 1941.

It is believed that his birth was prophesied by a magical hummingbird descending from heaven, causing the season to immediately change from winter to spring.

The birth was heralded with the formation of a double rainbow...a new star in the heavens...and an iceberg cracking apart.

(1) According to official state records, Kim Jong-Il learned to walk within a mere three weeks of being born - earlier than any Homo Sapien in recorded history. It is also claimed that he could speak fluently at just eight weeks old.

(2) According to his official state biography, the 'dear leader' defied previously accepted levels of human capability by never ever defecating. Though never verified by official sources, it has also been claimed that he had the power to urinate pure gold.

(3) According to official records at Kim Il-Sung University, 'the dear leader' wrote a mind-boggling 1,500 books over a period of just three years in the 1960's, along with six full operas which - according to his official biography - are "better than any in the history of music."

(4) When Pyongyang's first golf course opened in 1994, Kim Jong Il was given the honour of playing the first round. When he came to sign his card at the end, it stated that he had shot a world-record 38-under-par round, which included an astonishing 11 holes-in-one. His 17 bodyguards were put forward as witnesses to his remarkable feat.

(5) Official state sources claimed that Kim Jong-Il could magically control the weather with his moods. It has been asserted that, amongst other things, his mere presence could cause fruit trees to bloom in winter and make snow melt.

North Korean State media reported that Kim Jong-Il died of a heart attack brought on by "overwork" after "dedicating his life to the people", while on a train just outside of Pyongyang.

As of yet, there have been no substantiated claims of any resurrection or ascension.

It can be definitely asserted that the 'dear leader' was indeed a real person and a figure in history.

Most of the supernatural claims surrounding Kim Jong-il are also verified by official state sources.

However, many historians outside of North Korea, take a sceptical view of his perceived 'powers' given the widespread suspicions that the country utilises elaborate state-sponsored propaganda techniques.

One alternative view is that he was in fact a deluded, enigmatic, totalitarian tyrant!

Though there are no known written references relating to Jesus' birth during his lifetime, the canonical gospel of Luke (written anonymously in Greek anywhere between 36 and 150 years after his supposed death) puts forward the following narrative; Jesus was born in a stable in Bethlehem, Judea, to a virgin mother approximately 2000 years ago. Angels proclaim him a savior for all people, and shepherds come to adore him.

This differs slightly from the canonical gospel of Matthew who claimed three wise men followed a star to Bethlehem to bring gifts to Jesus, born the King of the Jews.

Surprisingly, both the canonical gospels of both Mark and John (the only other principal sources of information) provide no details of Jesus' birth.

(1) According to slightly differing accounts in three of the four canonical Gospels (not Luke's), Jesus of Nazareth once overcame the forces of nature and gravity by walking on the freshwater Sea of Galilee to join his disciples in a ship which was being buffeted by large waves in the midst of a storm.

(2) The four canonical gospels give varying accounts of Jesus' ability to heal the sick, and in particular reveal his penchant for healing the blind! It is said, he could achieve this by either simply touching a blind man's eyes, or by mixing a special 'mud mixture' which would then be applied to the man's eyes.

(3) Each of the four canonical gospels relate on Jesus's ability to raise the dead. Perhaps the most famous case is that of his friend Lazarus (mentioned by John) in Bethany. Though dead and buried for four days, Lazarus is 'raised' after Jesus simply calls out in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out!"

(4) According to the canonical gospel of John (not the other three), Jesus was able to transform a large quantity water into wine. He performed this miracle at a wedding in Galilean town called "Cana" (which, strangely, has never been located) when the party ran out of alcohol.

(5) Each of the four canonical gospels give an account of Jesus's ability to feed a multitude of people from a seemingly small quota of food. The most famous instance of this apparent skill was his "feeding of the 5000", where it is alleged that - after looking up to heaven and giving thanks - together with two fishes, he was able to break up five loaves of bread and satisfy the hunger of approximately 5000 people!

Inevitably, all four canonical gospels provide slightly differing accounts of Jesus' death but the basic narrative is that Roman rulers were uncomfortable with the common perception that he was the 'messiah' and, after one of his disciples (Judas) betrays him, Jesus was arrested and executed by crucifixion at Golgotha.

After he had died, Jesus' body was placed in a tomb carved into rock but, three days later, its is asserted that he was 'raised' by God and made several appearances among various groups over the next forty days before his ascension to Heaven.

As ever, the four canonical gospels provide wildly differing accounts on this!

Contrary to popular belief, no one has the slightest physical evidence to support a historical Jesus of Nazareth!

The most "authoritative" accounts of a historical Jesus come from the four canonical Gospels of the Bible - all of which were written anonymously decades after his supposed death - and all of which provide wildly differing accounts of his life.

Most damning of all, there occurs not a single known contemporary writing that ever mentions Jesus, meaning that all sources about him derive from hearsay accounts.

Two alternative views are that the Jesus 'story' is simply a rehashing of myths from earlier pagan cults, or is based on a composite character of several would-be Christs.