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After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

6. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

8. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

9. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

10. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower.

15. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

5. Get in the shower.

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

9. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

12. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off - Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

19. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on her pillow.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said,"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Hillary is taking a stroll when she comes upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious. Hillary asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show her.

"How nice," says Hillary. "What kind are they?" The little girl says,"Democrats.

Hillary smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Hillary is taking another stroll, this time with Bill.They see the little girl again with the same basket. Hillary says, "Watch this,Bill; it's really cute." They approach the little girl.Hillary greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."

Then, smirking, she nudges Bill with her elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?" She replies, "Republicans"

Abashed, Hillary says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!"

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress 5000.
Tux rental 50. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $ 3.00 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for all the relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
---
Well, there's a very simple answer.
---
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
---
We just didn't know we were getting low.
---
The reason for that is purely geographical.
---
Our OIL is located in
---
ALASKA
---
California
---
Coastal Florida
---
Coastal Louisiana
---
Kansas
---
Oklahoma
---
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
---
Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

May I help you?" she asked.

I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out
ten one hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a
row--too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was
still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to
Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina. ""Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Posted March 19, 2008

Visit my blog Joke of the Day

I have always loved a good joke. Who knew all the physical and mental benefits.
Humor and laughter can:

- Boost your physical well-being - and even help protect you against a heart attack.
- Lower blood pressure
- Fight depression and elevate your mental well
- Reduce stress hormones
- Increase muscle tone
- Keep the brain alert and allow you to retain more information.
- Boost immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting cells
- Trigger the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers. This produces a general sense of well-being.

Laughing is also a great workout for your diaphragm, as well as your facial, leg and back muscles
A good belly-laugh massages and strengthens abdominal organs and can burn calories equivalent to several minutes on the rowing machine or exercise bike.

But what makes us laugh? The answer to that is different for each person. There are different types of humor.

Butt of the Joke - You are the butt of the joke for the amusement of others. Generally used to ingratiate themselves with others it's the familiar class clown or "fat guy" comedian. But this type of humor has many drawbacks including eroding your self-respect, fostering depression and anxiety. It can make other people feel uncomfortable.

Put Down - This is an aggressive type of humor. The "jokester" uses teasing, sarcasm and ridicule. This is not the type of humor that elicits the many benefits of laughter.

Bonding - These are the people who are fun to have around. They say funny things, generally are well-versed in witty banter and just lighten the mood. You can rely on these people to reduce the tension in uncomfortable situations and able to laugh at their own faults.

You should work at learning and practicing laughter. Make sure you spend time with the people who make you smile and laugh. These are the people you need to meet with frequently!
Laughter is free, has many positive side effects, and just makes you feel good. So take a laugh break instead of a coffee (or smoke) break.