Jokes My Daughter Finds Funny

Always remember you're unique.

Just like everyone else.

I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer.

Then it hit me.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 4 muscles to beat the crap out of them.

A good friend would would come visit you in jail, but a best friend would be sitting right next to you saying "That was awesome! Lets do it again!!"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.

He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

Why can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."

Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you!

HOWEVER

The roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."