JR's Funny Figments........ News and interviews that never happened

Makes deposit in First Rational Lobby

Lestchester, NY -- A First Rational Bank security officer tripped an alarm late yesterday to alert police that someone had "stole in, stooled, and stepped out" undetected by tellers or security cameras.

"I got a whiff something was amiss when I checked the lobby at closing time," said Dick Lacey. "I thought it was a gas leak, so I just followed my nose 'til I spotted the source behind a potted philodendron. I took quick action and stomped the button so the cops would show up while the crime scene was still warm."

Bank president Bill Click remained unflappable. "If this is someone's idea of a practical joke, it's funny as hell," he said. "But some jokester's business is not good for our business. I want the rascal found. And I want to know how, when and why he did it."

At press time, Lestchester Police Chief Sam Nabber said. "A full scale investigation is in progress, but right now we have no evidence we choose to use. Our police force is totally clueless." Bank officials agreed.

Editor's Note: If you're in deep scatology, stay tuned for the next episode of this
moving Poop Opera--- right here in JR's Figments.

Irate Custodian says, "I just waxed that floor!

Lestchester, NY ---For the second time in two weeks, the Phantom made a public appearance without being seen. "That's a hell of a trick," said City Hall custodian, Tyrone Neatman. "He's an oxymoron. You can't show up without being seen."

Tuesday night Tyrone was summoned for emergency duty by City Council. When it convened its regular meeting, members were greeted by a BM in front of the rostrum.

The veteran custodian soon had the mess removed, disinfected the area and sprayed the room with air freshener. Later as the spectator gallery filled, buzz of the reason for the masking aroma spread. To clear the air, Dick Click, president of The First Rational Bank, and a member of City Council confirmed, "The Phantom Defecator has struck again. What's more, he may be one of you. For shame! Everyone here is guilty until proven innocent."

The audience's gleeful rumble was out of control. City Council president Jimmy MacAnanny tried to conduct business a usual. He banged, thumped and slammed his gavel until the handle snapped. Next, he yanked off a sneaker to whack on the lectern. . But the meeting already had a life of its own.

Jimmie hadn't cracked a smile since Y2K fizzled into just another millennium. But Tuesday he enjoyed a compound fracture of his funny bone. His normal pomposity vanished with a whoop as he tumbled backward out of his chair gasping with laughter.

His back flip and contagious laughter triggered an epidemic. It flashed through the audience and Council like a tsunami. The chamber rocked.

Council Woman, Portly Wanton, laughed so hysterically her plumbing failed. A stream gushed from her seat, flowed under the table, and darkened the floor as it tinkled like a mini water fall over the rim of the rostrum.

While the audience cheered, Tyrone rushed forward with his mop in a wheeled bucket shouting, "I just waxed that floor! I just waxed that floor! I just waxed that floor!"

Mayor Promises Action

After Tyrone tidied up, the lights flicked twice and Mayor Jess Peppy bounced forward and raised his hands for silence."Fellow citizens, "he said, "we've had a good laugh tonight. But this is serious business. I'm afraid we may have a serial defecator on our hands.

"I promise you we will get this 'Creepy Crapper,' this ' Sinister Stooler,' this 'Mysterious Mess Maker,' this ' Pooper Anonymous,' this, ah--- But enough name calling. I promise you, we will clean up this mess."

City Posts Reward

"The City is offering a $1,000 reward for information that leads to the capture of the Phantom Defecator. We have a nice clean city here and I aim to keep it that way.

"Police Chief Sam Nabber has formed a special unit code named SQUAT. They've been assigned the task of catching The Phantom with his pants down.

"As for now, our police department is completely clueless." Everyone agreed.

Editor's Note" Will the Phantom, Defecator strike again? Or was this last drop his last stop? Stay tuned.

Ladies "disgusted, insulted and outraged!"

Lestchester, NY--- The Cities new SQUAT team responded to an emergency call at 7:31 pm lastnight from the Women's Club at 7th and Wood Sts. There they found the Phantom's latest prank had shattered for the first time any trace of decorum in the sedate group's history. Some sobbed. Some cursed. Some argued. Some shouted. No one laughed!

Armed with protective clothing, pooper scoopers, and a temperature probe, SQUAT secured the area and cordoned it off with crime scene ribbons. Moving quickly with their temperature probe they established the approximate time of the crime.(We learned later the probe was was a meat thermometer.) While they confiscated the evidence, policed and disinfected the area, two officers completed the assault with sweeping flourishes of spray deodorant.

Then, much to everyone's surprise and embarrassment the officers questioned each member to establish her whereabouts at the time of the crime. The ladies were infuriated by the implication that The Phantom might be among them.

Before adjournment, the Club added a $1,000 reward to the City's reward of $1,000 posted last week for information leading to the arrest of The Phantom. They then voted to sponsor a bake sale for the coming weekend. All proceeds will be added to the reward already posted.

The entire community is invited to participate with the stipulation that no chocolate cakes, chocolate chip cookies or brownies be contributed that might aid recall of The Phantom's visit.

Special News Conference

At 9:00 am today, Mayor Jess Peppy and Police Chief Sam Nabber held a news conference at City Hall. The room was packed with representatives of The First Rational Bank, City Council, The Women's Club and one member of PETA who thought The Phantom might be an animal that needed protection.

The Mayor and Police Chief outlined their program "Catch The Phantom":
1. We've retained scatology expert, Dr. John Turdskey, professor emeritus of Uganda U.as consultant.
2. Friday we meet with the FBI's profiling unit for a snapshot.
3. For a long shot, we've hired Psychic Dorea Senses.
4. We've increased The Phantom reward to $5,000.

"In addition to our efforts," the Mayor added," The First Rational Bank has posted a $1,000 reward and pledged to match any amount raised by The Women's Club bake sale.

Lets face it folks; this is no longer a local issue. The Media has picked up the story and we've replaced New Jersey politics for joke of the week. The best way to nip this story in the bud is to nip the Phantom in the butt."

Police Chief Sam Nabber, closing the meeting said, "Our police force--- thanks to the quick action of SQUAT--- is no longer clueless. We will catch this guy with his pants down."

After the meeting we asked Dr. Turdskey if he found DNA in the fresh evidence. "No," he said. "Unfortunately the only thing I could see was corn."

Editors Note: Okay, already. It's low comedy. But stay tuned to see how the serial defecator draws this community together.

Members say police let evidence get cold

Lestchester, NY ---The City's new SQUAT unit responded to a call at 8:15 pm last night that The Phantom had desecrated The Bigot's Club headquarters on South Railroad Avenue. The call was placed by Fritz Sneer, the Group's Imperial Wiseass. Sneer later complained that "the cops took a lot more time to come investigate than they do when they just come down here to hassle us freedom lovers."

Police Chief Sam Nabber denied the charge. He said, "Despite club members habitually referring to my officers as 'pigs,' those individuals are entitled to the same police protection we give normal people."

Sneer said The Phantom left his deposit at The Club entrance on top a stack of their latest hate notices just delivered by the printer.

When SQUAT finished their investigation Sneer pledged a $25.00 reward for the capture of The Phantom. He said, "Yeah, I know that doesn't sound like much, but most of us guys don't work. Hating and baiting Hispanics, Blacks, Jews, and other minorities takes a lot of time and effort. What little cash we get from our herb garden goes for beer, jackboots and short hair cuts."

Women's Club Bake Sales Nets $5,000

Residents of this tight-knit community lined up to buy and others to donate baked goods at last weekend's sale. With the sale and their original $1,000 pledge, The Women's Club has now raised $6,000 for information that leads to the arrest of The Phantom. As promised, The First Rational Bank posted a matching reward of $6,000. When Mayor Jess Peppy, heard the news, he also bumped the City's reward up to $6,000.

With reward money for The Phantom already at $18,025, the kitty is still growing.Since the National media picked up the story, donations have poured in from Women's Clubs and concerned citizens across the Nation. Preliminary estimates say the reward could go as high as $ 75,000 to whoever bakes the Phantom's buns.

Police Chief Sam Nabber says he is concerned the fat reward may attract bounty hunters and vigilantes. "We'll have a news conference Friday to update you on our progress with the initiatives we've taken. We will catch this guy with his pants down."

Brings National bounty hunters to town

Lestchester, NY ---Contributions to the "Nail the Phantom's Buns" reward have reached $102,000 according Bill Click, president of The First Rational Bank. The money, deposited in a Crime Boppers account, will be released to any informant who supplies information leading to the capture and conviction of The Phantom Defecator.

Those with information are urged to call the Crime Boppers' Tip Line at PHA-NTOM, Callers remain anonymous and are given a code number to collect the money if their information results in the Phantom's arrest.

Today, in a news conference Police Chief Sam Nabber said several National bounty hunters have announced that they are working on the case.

In a prepared statement, The Chief said, "We want to catch this serial defecator before he strikes again. And we don't need some greedy outsiders coming in here trying to do our job. Besides, I'd like to see us keep that $102,000 in town

"The FBI profiling unit has supplied our SQUAT team with a psychological profile of the personality behind these crimes. According to their experts, The Phantom has taken his figurative feeling of getting dumped on and turned it into the literal revenge of dumping back. To be blunt, the institutions he targeted must have pissed him off.

"Psychic Dorea Senses said she has had visions of a large woman flitting about both day and night and we should not rule out the possibility that The Phantom is a woman.

"Scatology consultant Dr, John Turdskey disagrees. He said,'Based on the evidence I've examined so far, it's unlikely that a lady would do such a thing!' "

Asked if he had any new leads, the Chief said, "We've had 25 calls to the Crime Boppers' Tip Line. Our SQUAT unit is investigating every tip regardless of how asinine it sounds. Let me repeat. We will catch this guy with his pants down."

Editor's Note: Could Dorea have a clue? Is Turdskey too full of his subject to be objective? Are Crime Boppers' tipsters just playing the lottery? Stay tuned.

Anonymous Tip Leads to Arrest

Lestchester, NY ----Last night the Special Quash Unit Attack Team (SQUAT) arrested The Phantom Defector in Cooper Park. In response to a tipster's call, at 11:00 pm the crack unit quietly surrounded the park's darkened bandstand and positioned themselves like spectators in the amphitheater. When they flipped on their powerful search lights, The Phantom, wearing a simple black dress, soft moccasins and no panties stepped center stage and mooned the audience. They gasped when they saw the moon-maker had gonads.

Clutching a small purse, The Phantom surrendered peacefully. During the arrest he protested that he is not a transvestite: "These are my working clothes. They're my cover, designed to help me make a quick, easy movement and move on."

In his purse, SQUAT found a remote with a pause button for security cameras, a package of biodegradable heinie wipes, and a small litter bag. "These are the tools of my charade," he explained. "They allow me to stoop, poop, swipe a wipe, and quietly fade into the night like a whisper in the wind."

This morning, Police Chief Sam Nabber identified The Phantom Defecator as Herman Gibbon, a retired physicist, former director of The Bran Institute, a community activist, and a frequent contributor to Op Ed columns.

Chief Nabber told reporters, "I promised we would catch this guy with his pants down. Well,he made that impossible. But we did catch him with the help of a concerned citizen who will be well paid for his concern. The "Nail the Phantom's Buns" reward is now $104,000."

Later, Mayor Jess Peppy said, "Now maybe the media will stop laughing at Lestchester and get back to New Jersey politics."

Mr. Gibbon is scheduled to appear before Municipal Court Judge Fairashell at 10:00 am tomorrow.

Editor's Note: Will Judge Fairashell, who has a reputation for leniency,throw the seat at The Phantom Defecator, or just slap his fanny? Stay tuned.

Critics say Judge just gave him a slap on the fanny

Lestchester, NY --- Herman Gibbon, a.k.a., The Phantom Defecator, appeared before Municipal Court Judge Fairashell this morning to explain his aberrant behavior. The Phantom, who was arrested last night by the City's SQUAT unit, offered the following summary in his defense:

"I nailed The First Rational bank with my first deposit because they've become irrational. Since their merger with those big city banks, they've become just another cold hearted banker. In the old days, if I was overdrawn a few bucks, they'd call me and I'd hustle down to cover it. Now, they just bounce the check and charge me $25.00 for their stamp.

"Besides that, they now have a whole bunch of new service fees for stuff they used to provide free. And if my balance gets too low for them, they continue to use my money and charge me for letting them keep it there.

"My next target was City Council. Those rascals have been dumping on us tax payers every chance they get. So I dumped one on them. Every time I pick up the paper they've hired another $50,000 consultant to tell them something they should already know.

"As for The Women's Club, that was just a whim on my part. They're all so damn uptight and snooty-proper I couldn't resist making a special drop just to rattle their undies.

"Of all my defecations, though, The Bigot's Club gave me the most satisfaction. Those guys have topped my fecal roster for a long time. They're always spreading nasty crap about everyone. So I delivered some to them."

After Mr. Gibbon's testimony, The Judge, who has a reputation for being soft on crime, ordered Mr. Gibbon to pay a $100 fine for each of his four defecations, and a $5.00 fine for mooning the SQUAT unit.

In an apparent effort to deflect criticism, the Judge explained his ruling: "Mr. Gibbon didn't break, steal or deface anything. He never exposed himself except for ID purposes. And, many of our citizens sympathize with him and his choice of targets."

Mr. Gibbon thanked the Judge and immediately scheduled a press conference for 10:00 am tomorrow in Cooper Park. He said he will make an important announcement at that time.

At press time today, First Rational Bank officials said no one has come forward to claim the "Nail the Phantom's Buns" $104,000 reward.

Claims $104,000 Reward Money Is His

Lestchester, NY ---Guests at the Herman Gibbon (aka The Phantom Defecator) news conference in Cooper Park at 10:00 am today leaned the Phantom had claimed the reward for his capture. First Rational Bank President Bill Click confirmed that Mr. Gibbon appeared at the bank this morning and supplied the code numbers that proved it was his tip to Crime Boppers that led to the Phantom's capture and conviction.

In a prepared statement, Mr. Gibbon said, "Ladies and gentlemen, today I picked up a certified bank draft for $103,595 and $405 in cash to pay my municipal fines assessed yesterday by Judge Fairashell. I am pleased to announce that I will invest the reward money right here in Lestchester.

"Here is my program:

"Last night, I purchased the rental property and club house of The Bigot's Club and served eviction notice. Their herb garden crop of cannabis will be donated to the Regional Center for Pain Control. The clubhouse will be fumigated, renovated and offered to the Police Athletic League rent free.

"The former owner, Mr.Vehement, turned the property over to me when I paid the long past due rent owed by The Bigot's Club-rent which he would never have collected..

"I have a commitment from the State Banking Commission officials to permits me to proceed with plans to open a new bank to be known as "The Jimmy Stewart Community Bank." It will bring community banking back to our City. It will offer free checking, no fee transactions and no sneaky fees for other things that folks shouldn't have to pay for when they're letting the bank use their money.

"I will form a League of Male Voters to cooperate with The League of Women Voters. Together they will form a non-partisan Blood Hound Committee. This committee will track down and bite the ass of any politician who even hints at pay to play contracts, cronyism, nepotism, despotism, favoritism or any other ism that's inimical to the City's best interest."

The Phantom's statement was met with thunderous applause by all seven people present.

After the news conference an ad hoc committee, chaired by local sculptor and heiress Mary Bedlam, announced that she will sculpt and dedicate to Lestchester a statue of The Phantom. It will be mounted in Cooper Park with a plaque that commemorates his unique form of social and political activism.

The End

E-Day for an annual Easter Egg Hunt is coming soon to a venue near you ---perhaps your own house or yard. So, it's timely that I report an interview I never had with one of last year's champs of whom you've never heard.

JR: Leroy, I know in 2006 you took first place in the 8-year old division of the Lestchester County Mhi Gramma Easter Egg Hunt. Will you defend your title in this year's event?

Leroy: Oh, yes! The thrill of victory was an exhilarating experience, and like most youngsters I thrive on exhilaration. I would just love to be exhilarated again. Besides, Mother wouldn't have it any other way.

JR: You speak well for a child your age.

Leroy: Mother says you've got to speak up to get what's coming to you. She had me take speech lessons this year with one of the best teachers available. She thought I flubbed my interview with the editor of Mhi Gramma News when I won last year's hunt. Said I mispronounced existential and should have referred to the other kids as "little urchins," not "little turds."

JR: She must be confident that you're going to defend your title.

Leroy: I'd better win. It's very important to her. Psychologically, you know. Vicarious satisfaction, that sort of thing. Or is it varicose satisfaction? I notice her veins stand out whenever I lose at anything.

JR: In reviewing last year's hunt, did you feel from the start that you had it made ...that you were way out in front?

Leroy: Well, no. As a matter of fact, I was doing rather poorly 'til Mother blew her whistle and called a time out.

JR: She was an official?

Leroy: Oh, no. She always carries a whistle. She says it's for self defense, but mostly she uses it to get people's attention.

JR: What did she tell you during the time out?

Leroy: She said I'd better win. She wasn't about to have everyone in town laughing at her because I lost a freaken Easter Egg Hunt.

JR: After that, things changed?

Leroy: Well, of course. Mother's a very sensitive person and she did invest a lot of time coaching me. I felt I owed her. In fact several times during our little chat she said, "You owe me."

JR: Please tell us what you did during the rest of the hunt. (Continued)

Lestchester, NY: For Leroy Avis and his mother, last year's thrill of victory turned into an agonizing defeat at this year's Mhi Gramma Easter Egg Hunt. Last year Leroy bullied and cheated his way to an easy win. Most no-it-all sports commentators predicted "another easy win for the Champ."

But this year, despite experience, intensive preparation, his mother's threats of abandonment, and a win- at- any cost attitude, he was defeated by Kris von Clausewitz

Kris, a fourth grade military history major, used strategies advocated by his great-great-great, even greater, great grandfather, the military genius Carl von Clausewitz. Supported by a platoon of last year's sore losers, Kris broke all rules of engagement and relied on tactics that work rather than theory that doesn't to lead his troops to victory.

Kris used the element of surprise to nail Leroy's ass to the turf in the first 50 yards of the contest. The bulk of his platoon--- with a ton of esprit de corps and plenty of trash talk-- piled on Leroy as Kris and his scouts surged ahead to forage. To quickly add to their spoils they exchanged candy, cash payments or bodily harm for the egg collections of other youngsters.

Win-Win for Most

Kris got the title. His troops got revenge. Some kids picked up a little cash. And collateral damage was limited to a few cases of sugar highs and one twisted arm.

Leroy complained the other children ganged up on him, tore a hole in his collection bag, and stomped on his hand when he tried to pick up eggs. But observers say it was the constant patter of little feet on his insteps that hobbled his efforts. Given an opportunity to grab an egg or tromp a heel on Leroy's instep, the troops went for the instep.

Leroy's mother immediately filed a formal complaint for un-sportsman like conduct. Big mistake. All members of the Hunt Committee are also board members. An impromptu ad hoc committee delivered "a vote of no confidence," confiscated her sorority pin and told her to, "Hit the road. And be sure to take Leroy with you."

Lestchester, NY ---Quick response to an irate worshiper's phone call Friday led to the capture of Herman Wilson, a.k.a. "The Wedgy Plucker." Wilson, long on the city's most wanted list, was captured Friday as he fled The Church of What's Happening Next. Patrolman Joel Nikie, less than a block away when dispatched, sprinted to the scene, spotted Wilson on The Church steps, tackled, and subdued him.

The Plucker, sporting two black eyes, appeared before Judge Fairashell at City Hall on Tues. April 10. A witness said the black eyes were not the result of police brutality.

The Wedgy Plucker got the first black eye from a hard right delivered when he plucked a wedgy from a woman in front of him as she rose for a hymn. The woman gave him the second black eye when he tried to put the wedgy back.

As the stunned Wedgy Plucker reeled to the entrance, the lady called 911.

Seasonal Predator

According to Police Captain Sam Gotcha, after a winter hiatus the serial Wedgy Plucker was on the prowl again as women shed winter coats. In the past two weeks 26 goosed women filed complaints against "an unknown assailant." Until Friday, none was able to provide a description.

All incidents took place in crowds. Bus stops and subway stations were his favorite hunting grounds. Because of his size ---he makes Danny DeVito look tall ---he was never noticed until he struck. His modus operandi: pluck, duck, stoop, mingle, blend-with-the-crowd, and vanish.

His technique was so effective even those with quick reflexes often turned and slapped an innocent bystander.

Feral Attraction

During the hearing, the accused described his compulsion as "a feral attraction." He said a wedgy was like a trapped animal that he had to set free. Judge Fairashell said he could not condone animal behavior.

The Judge bristled at the Plucker's contention that he provided a social service. The Plucker argued that he helped women keep their dignity rather than attempt to sneak a quick tug to loosen a well-lodged offender.

The Plucker said, "Your Honor, I've seen women hop on one foot for 20 yards as they try to dislodge a wedgy. But a solid wedgy is not like an ear full of water. You can't just shake it out. In fact, I've had several women say, 'Thanks for your help.' One even invited me home for milk and cookies."

Judge Fairashell was not moved. He sentenced Mr. Herman to counseling, and six months in jail for heinous crimes against the heinie.

We take pleasure in answering at once and thus prominently the email below, expressing at the same time our gratification that its faithful author is numbered among our readers:

"Dear Editor:
I am 8 years old.
Some of my friends say there is no Easter Bunny.
Papa says, 'If you see it in JR's Funny Figments it is so.'
Please tell me the truth: Is there an Easter Bunny?

Virginia O'Hare"

Virginia, your little friends are full of bunny poop. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. Yet, they are surrounded by un-reality they blindly accept as real.

Yes, Virginia, there is an Easter Bunny. He exists as certainly as greed, competition and economic opportunity. You know that they abound and give to life all the material stuff you "just gotta have," to give your life its highest beauty and joy and because all the other kids have it.

Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Easter Bunny. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias, or Sponge Pants Bobs. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, and no romance to make tolerable this existence.

Your little friends could park their tiny heinies in the cold damp grass all night to catch the Easter Bunny, but even if they don't see him, what would that prove? Nobody sees the Easter Bunny. Can you see the music on your iPod? Of course not. But whenever you want it, it's there to vibrate your little ear drums on their journey to adolescent deafness.

Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and un-seeable in the world, The Internet, cell phones, microwaves, remote controls, Google. Ask your little friends if they are real or if they've ever seen any of those mystical things that make them work. And ask them what they know about algorithms, too.

Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, greed and economic incentives can see the big picture. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in this entire world there is nothing else more real and abiding.

No Easter Bunny! Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, even long beyond Y4K, he will continue to make glad the hearts of children, shop keepers, fuzzy- toy manufacturers, laying hens, candy makers and Hallmark.

Editor's Note: Parody is fun and easy. Genius is not. Please visit and enjoy the genesis(sic) for the above: "Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Clause, by Francis P. Church." http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/

Leroy: I kept close watch on the other kids. I'm pretty fast on my feet for a kid my size. I keyed on the front runners. When I saw one make a bee-line for an egg I outraced and out-snatched him or her. Saved me a lot of hunting and I was able to let them lead the way.

I also found most kids will drop a bag full of Easter Eggs if you give them a good solid kidney punch. Another good technique Mother taught me was to work in close and tear the bottom out of the other kid's bags.

Most kids have little hands, you know, so they can't carry more than a few eggs at a time without a bag of some kind.

Some bargain basement tactics came in handy : elbow to the solar plexus; stomping the instep; and good old fashion shoving (Mother says it's really just jostling, but you've got to put some power behind it to be effective.) She cheers when I knock some pretty little thing on her ass. Oh, I beg your pardon. I mean her caudal extremity.

JR: Don't the other kids complain or tell their parents?

Leroy: One of them did last year, but he got his foot caught in the crotch of a Maple tree. They found him hanging upside down. Boy, some kids sure can scream!

He'd probably still be there if Mother hadn't told her sorority sisters where to find him.

JR: Are there any other special techniques you use?

Leroy: My secret weapon is the Paul Bunyan Stomp.

JR: Would you explain it?

Leroy: Sometimes , no matter how fast you are, another kid will bend to scoop and egg before you can.. Best thing to do then is stomp the egg---hard!.

JR: Don't you sometimes stomp another youngster's hand at the same time?

Leroy: Mother says, "If you can't stand the cold, get out of the park." I don't know what she means, but it has something to do with kids rubbing their hands after a stomp like they're trying to get them warm.

JR: Does your father follow you when you're in competition?

Leroy: No. He's not into sports since they kicked him out of the Country Club for cheating.

JR: At golf?

Leroy: Golf. Cards. Darts. Marriage.

JR: Do you a have special game plan?

Leroy: Yes. I plan to take it two days at a time.

JR: Two?

Leroy: I like to get out the day before and watch where they put the eggs.

JR: Is that fair?

Leroy: Mother says, It's not how you play the game. It's whether you win!"