Veronica's Personal Experiences and Opinions

It seems that nowadays, everyone is cheating. Either on their husband/wife, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend. Why is this? Does EVERYONE cheat? Are people not able to devote themselves to just one person anymore? And how do you know if you're being cheated on? What do you do when you find out that the person you love has been cheating?

There are many different reasons as to why a person cheats. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with developing feelings for another, but more about fulfilling desires and needs that may be lacking in a current relationship. For example, a person may be feeling unloved or not appreciated in their current relationship, so they look for it elsewhere. But this is not a valid excuse to cheat. If you're current spouse/partner is not giving you the love and attention that you feel is needed, you should try to talk it out with them and let them know how you're feeling. Going behind their back and cheating isn't going to make you feel any better in the long run, only worse.

Another main cause of cheating, surprising enough, is low self esteem. A person with low self esteem never thinks they are worth much of anything, doesn't appreciate themselves. So when a member of the opposite sex aside from their current partner begins to take notice of them, they feel special and fortunate, like they are worth something after all. They enjoy the feeling of being wanted by another person, and a lot of the time, this will lead to cheating. This will especially happen with married women, who have children and no longer feel attractive.

Some people will cheat just to boost their ego. I've known many people who cheat for this reason, and this reason alone. They love the person that they are with, but having multiple sexual partner makes them feel good about themselves, like they've conquered some sort of contest. They thrive off of knowing that they are wanted by many, and they become addicted to it. Most of the time, these people don't feel anything besides lust and satisfaction for their multiple sexual partners, but they are unable to stop it. They also love the rush they get from their partner potentially finding out about their cheating habits. It becomes a game to them, one that they thrive on playing. If they do get caught, they laugh it off and make it sound like it's not a big deal and that they are doing nothing wrong. Stay away from these types of cheaters! They are the ones who never change their bad cheating habits.

Some will also cheat for revenge purposes. Maybe you have cheated on them in the past, and they were able to forgive you and continue working on the relationships. Or maybe, they just suspect you of cheating. They get mad because you spend a little too much time with a friend of the opposite sex, or spend too much time out with your buddies. As a result, they will go out and cheat so that they feel the satisfaction of knowing they are getting revenge on you. They may never even tell you about their infidelity, but just knowing themselves is enough satisfaction for them.

How can you know for sure that your partner is cheating on you? Well, unless you get real evidence of it, you won't know for sure. But there are signs that your partner may be cheating. The major one, in my own experience, would be if they are constantly accusing YOU of cheating. Have they normally always been a calm, trustful person, and all of a sudden constantly accusing you of cheating, wanting to know where you are at every second of the day? If so, this could be a major sign that they are being unfaithful. When a person is being unfaithful, their guilt starts eating at them, and they convince themselves that if they are capable of cheating, you probably are doing the same thing. Another major sign would be that they stop showing affection towards you. You are no longer there one and only, and they get and give their affection and intimate needs from someone else. They don't feel the need to give it to you, because they feel as if they already have you, so why bother? And then, there are the most obvious signs; disappearing for hours at a time, not able to give you a clear answer on where they've been, changing their stories around, acting distant, pushing you away, etc.

So is the common phrase, "once a cheat, always a cheat" true? Absolutely not. Depending on the reason for them being unfaithful to begin with, there are ways to work through it and trust them fully again. However, it's not an easy task. Some people would rather just give up than allow themselves to trust the person again. However, if the love is strong enough, and you know in your heart that the person is truly sorry and remorseful, you should stay and work on giving them another chance. Everyone makes mistakes, it's a part of life. Just as long as you don't forget, the same mistake shouldn't be made twice.

If you're a hopeless romantic like I am, than your answer is probably yes, true love does exist. But does it, really? Do we put so much of our time and energy into finding the "one" for us, that we pass up some really great potentials just because we feel they don't fit into our image of the perfect person? True Love equals our soul mate, someone that we love unconditionally for the rest of our lives. Is it even possible to be "in love" with another person until the day that you die? Or do you just grow to tolerate them and feel comfortable with them, as you feel with a parent or sibling?
Look at the divorce rate in this Country right now. They say every year about 2.4 million people get married; however, every year, about 1.2 million people divorce. If true love really does exist, how is it possible that almost half the percentage of marriages end up in divorce? Is it because we go into a marriage, expecting the infatuation and excitement to stay forever? Obviously, it's going to fade. After a few years, we are no longer going to surprise one another; our hearts are no longer going to drop when the person walks into a room. We are going to just grow accustomed to them always being around, and we will appreciate them for that if they are doing right by us. So where does this misconception come from that we will be happily in love for all eternity?

I blame the movies. Most of us watch romance movies to fill a void inside of us. We want that perfect person to chase after us, give us everything, make us fall in love. More than anything, we want that happy ending. Take "The Notebook" for example. Here are two people, "destined" to be together. They meet one summer when they are both kids, fall hopelessly in love, and than become seperated. 7 years has passed, they have both seemed to move on with their lives. But when they finally see each other, they instantly fall in love all over again. We then see them as an old couple; She has Alzheimers disease. Yet, she somehow is able to remember him, and they die together in bed. We would call this, "true love." And yes, it's nice. It's nice to watch, and it's nice to hope for and wish for that kind of love in reality. But when it doesn't happen, we are disappointed and feel like our relationships are fake and lacking. This results in a large number of people who divorce. They are simple unsatisfied with the lack of "movie love" their marriages have.

Us hopeless romantics are constantly searching for that type of love, the love that will get us through any impossible situation, and the love that will never fade away. Instead of trying to work on a relationship that seems to be going bad, we just decide to give up all together thinking if it's true love, you wouldn't have to work so hard at it. And that is simply not the case.

I believe the definition of true love isn't love that is perfect. True love is recognizing the many imperfections, and still wanting to be with the person, still fighting your hardest to make the relationship work because you couldn't picture not having them in your life for even one day. True love is about having many differences and disagreements, but still respecting and caring deeply about the person in the end. It is something that we want to hold on to, no matter what. It is not about being perfect or having the perfect relationship. Perfect is not the definition of true love, if anything, it's the complete opposite.
So will we ever really know when we found our one and only "true love"? Probably not. We go through relationship after relationship always telling ourselves that person is the one for us. But the truth is, we don't really know. And we probably won't lay eyes on someone for the first time and just "know" that person is the one. Reality isn't like the movies. If you find someone who makes you laugh, makes you cry, makes you crazy, stick with them. If you can't imagine life without them in your life, don't give up no matter how hard things get. Love is supposed to challenge us, and every little argument or disagreement does exactly that. Who wants perfect when you can have passion? Couples who have healthy relationships find ways of working together, and this in and of itself could be considered a sign of true love.

Instead of turning to movies or books to try and find out what true love really means, make up your own definition of what YOU want true love to mean to you. You can achieve it if you're realistic about it's meaning. In my opinion love is the great obsession or passion for another sole being. The feeling that you cannot live without them, or you wouldn't imagine a world without them. They also fill you with joy. You even argue with this person, but always seem to get through. You look out for this person, and never let them in harms way. Once you feel that for another person, then you'll know the true meaning of love.

Veronica

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Abusive relationships are way too common nowadays. Many people all over the world are being abused on a daily basis, and some people don't even realize it's happening. The most common misconception is, "well, he/she hasn't hit me, so i'm not being abused." WRONG! There is such a thing called emotional/verbal abuse also.

I was with a guy for 3 years, on and off. The beginning of the relationship was great, as they all are. He treated me with respect, bought me nice things, always said exactly what I wanted to hear. He basically made me gain his trust and fall in love with him. After about a year, he slowly started changing. When I wanted to go hang out with some friends instead of him, he'd throw tantrums. At first I thought it was sweet, I actually felt flattered that someone cared so much about me that they wanted to spend every waking moment with me. So i'd apoligize for even suggesting that I go see my friends instead of seeing him. After he realized he had gained control over me, he used it to his advantage. Every little thing i'd do, he'd go crazy over. If for some reason I was busy and couldn't answer my phone when he called, he'd leave me nasty voicemails threatening to break up with me. A little while later, he started the name calling. He would tell me almost on a daily basis that he was the best i'd ever get, and I could never find a guy who would love me the way that he does. He would tell me that all any guy besides him would ever want from me is a piece of ass. He would tell me I was worthless. Why didn't I just end it with him when this all began? Easier said than done. I held out hope that he'd go back to the way he was when we first met and fell in love. And there were quite a few days where he was that sweet, gentle person as he used to be. After 2 years of being with him, I was in way over my head. I was in love with this guy, and couldn't picture my life without him in it. He would go out with his friends, but if I ever even suggested going to see one of mine, he'd get mad and start the name calling. It came to the point where I had to lie to him when I would go see other people. I'd have to tell him I was taking a nap, or visiting a family member. And when I would go out, I always had a big knot in my stomach thinking he'd somehow find out. He would look through my cell phone to read my text messages or go through my call log. He demanded my passwords that I use to go on the internet, to check and see what e-mails I was sending around. And I allowed it, because giving in to him was a lot easier than being cursed at. My friends couldn't stand him, they saw what he was doing to me. They couldn't understand why I was staying in an "abusive" relationship. But it wasn't like that, not to me. I had no idea that he was abusing me, because I thought abuse meant physical. Trust me, the physical will come if you stay long enough. After being with him for 2 1/2 years, and growing so accustomed to his harsh words, he realized it wasn't making much of an impact on me anymore. One day when I was over his house, I told him I needed to get home. He didn't like this very much. He started throwing random objects at me, a few of them hitting me and leaving bruises. That was the night I swore I was done with him. I ended it, came home, and cried for hours on end. The next day, his sweet text messages started coming in. "I'm so sorry, I love you. I didn't mean for anything to hit you, I was just so angry that I didn't know what I was doing. You know i'd never hurt you." Those were the exact words I wanted to hear. I wanted him to tell me he didn't mean to hurt me, I wanted him to explain that he had never meant for anything to hit me. And so, I took him back. I took him back, and endored another 6 months of abuse from him. Finally, after 3 years and many, many bruises, I was able to get out of the relationship. I had finally opened my eyes and saw that I deserve so much better. I don't have any physical scars from him, but the emotional scars are still here, and they probably always will be. It took me a long time to get my self esteem back up, and it's still not the way that it should be. It's been almost 2 years since we've been broken up, yet I still have difficulty trusting new people and opening up. I hear almost on a daily basis how guarded I am and how many walls I have up. That is something that happened as a result of being in an abusive relationship for so long.

If your significant other is threatening you, calling you names, making you feel worthless, then you ARE being abused. They will never change, or revert back to their old ways if that's what you're waiting for. They will only get worse as time goes on, they will only feel more powerful. It may be extremely hard to open your eyes and realize what you're truly dealing with, but nothing good is ever going to come out of staying with someone who treats you so badly. You WILL find someone else. There are millions of people in this world who have respect and will treat you the way that you deserve. It does take awhile to sort out the good from the bad, but it can and will happen if you give it enough of time. You may feel as if leaving that person is more painful than the abuse you're taking, but it's just not true. Of course it will hurt in the beginning. It will hurt like hell, and it will take a lot of will power to truly stay away for good. But after some time has past, I can promise that you will get over it, and you will start to love and enjoy life so much more and realize that you made the best decision you could of ever possibly made.

If anyone is going through any type of situation like this and is in need of some help or support, please feel free to contact me.

Veronica