Finding Purpose With A Mental Illness

Lay Me Down
In the night I sit alone
Lifeless to the world I know
Faith lost long ago
In this graveyard I'm calling home
Carved into the stone
A diary of broken bones and
Words I should've known

But this grave's too deep to ever make it up
I'd do anything, anything
Just to feel like I could reach the ground
I'd do anything, anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound

In the night I sit alone
The stars rain on the world below
Beg me to explode
But these dreams I keep are nowhere to be found
I'd do anything, anything just to stop
This weight from pressing down
I'd do anything, anything now
To spread these wings somehow
I scream these words so loud
But they never make a sound

I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
So place my heart under the ground
Lay me down I'm alive
But I'm barely breathing now
Drag my lungs into the ground
Lay me down

Deep enough so that I'll never feel again
Far beneath any chance at breaking skin I'm giving in
All the promise of smiles and happiness
That's a dream I'm not willing to admit

A strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars. - Carly Simon

Mind racing, dizzy, disoriented, light-headed, blurry vision, can't swallow, heart racing, trembling, sweating, hyperventilating, nausea, restless, the urge to run, and overall an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread that seems to come from nowhere. My life is in total chaos at the moment.

I hate people who broadcast their mental illness, telling all and sundry. I do not want attention. I want honesty. I want to make people aware of borderline, in the only way I know possible; writing. But most of all, I want to be honest with myself, and realize that this is something I shouldn't be hiding. It's something I should be accepting of.

All I ever wanted was someone who could validate who I am. Who understands what makes my heart pound. Who loves me unconditionally. What I saw in their eyes is none of this. The light I mistook for approval and validation was the narcissistic glow of how I could make their life work better and how they can use me to further their agenda.

My life has been saturated with narcissists who I had surrounded with endless praise and devotion. Receiving nothing but loneliness, grief not to mention a lost life. One day not long ago I came to myself and knew it was time to start living life on my own terms. In truth, I am not complaining. I have traveled this path to soul healing long enough to know that, as an adult' 'I' had created the mess I found myself in with my freewill and 'I' would have to cooperate with myself to get me out of it using the same freewill.

Not an easy trip. As I set out to learn I soon discovered that there is no quick, painless fixes. But as usual even the decision to learn caused a great light to appear on my path as books, articles, FB Blogs, people and insights apparently just happened my way. I somehow stumbled upon different websites that were made for people like me, those who could not work and needed so desperatly something to do to occupy their time. I have to say these websites have completely changed my life. Not only do I feel like I have a reason to wake up in the morning but with all the updates these sites make on a daily basis they keep me busy throughout the entire day.

Here I will share what I have felt has given me some type of normal life back. I hope these websites, books and other things I have found over the year can help you as much as they have helped me.

I believe our greatest need in life is to be loved. Sometimes it doesn't matter who it comes from as long as we feel wanted in some small way. All through life we struggle to belong. Many times we get involved with the wrong crowd because our desire to fit in is so strong. Feeling unloved, unwanted, or completely alone is the hardest thing I've ever went through.

I think I need to learn to cope with myself a bit better. It's like I've been doing everything to avoid being alone, and now it's been forced upon me. I'm scared of myself, and how I'm thinking and feeling. And now there's no-one physically here to distract me, or to dilute me. I don't think I feel anything. I know when to be sad or happy but I don't really have the emotion.

I don't know where my mind is in this world anymore. In fact I'm not sure where I am going anymore. The world is a big, large place and currently I'm scared of it. I feel like I've been running for years and I just can't run anymore. I tried to stay ahead of it somehow but it's all too big and it crashed over me. I thought that I could just keep running and get away from all that had hurt me. But I ran out of steam I guess and it all caught up with me. The hurt and the fears and the anxiety and the absolute sense of being completely alone were all back. It all came back and I was left emotionally knocked down thinking what the hell do I do now to get myself out of this? How do I stay sane to the rest of the world when inside I'm filled with fear? Why can't I just keep these images out of my head?

I'm so hopeful that this will all becomes easier at some point. I'm tired of crying about all of this. I'm tired of crying for no reason at all. I'm so sad and then I feel enormous guilt about being sad because most people would look at my life and wonder what I have to be so sad about. The past is standing in my way and I have to find the strength to just get beyond it all. And I'm trying. I'm really, really trying.

"Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before."

And this line says it all to me. The past scares me but so does the present because I'm facing it all. And I don't know who I am right now or where I'm going or how I'm going to come out of all of this. I'm scared out of my mind. I worry this is how I'm going to be forever because honestly, I can't even remember the old me. I don't even know who she is anymore. This all washed over me and I've been trying desperately to come up for air ever since.

How do I let go of the pain of my past but still use it to help others? How do I lay it down and not let it affect me negatively but then pick it up when necessary and share it with others so that it might affect them positively. I'm still in the process of figuring this out.

For anyone in similar shoes, going from a great paying stable job of over 8 years to not working at all was in itself life changing for me. What would I do with all my free time? What did I have as a reason to wake up in the morning? These questions plagued me for over a year and it was only in the past few months I have found something that I finally feel not only uses the brain I felt I was loosing to inactivity, but also is something I find quiet enjoyable.

For me, I am in that long process of applying for SSDI which means that not only can I not work any "real" job, the potential waiting list for approval can take years. As I've mentioned I am blessed to have the help of my family right now because without them I truly would be living on the streets. I can't remember how I came upon these websites, but coming from a background of 8 years working in eCommerce Operations, I knew immediatly I had found **MY** reason to wake up. Not only do these websites give me something to look forward to, they reward me with points which in turn I can use towards gift cards or prizes. I won't mention these websites here but feel free to look over my other lenses if you are interested in signing up for these wonderful websites

Please know I am always here to answer any questions you may have so please don't be afraid to contact me via Facebook or on here if you have any questions at all.