Spotting and understanding the signs of suicide and getting help

It was the fall of 1991. I was starting a new school and didn't know anyone. I was very shy and didn't really talk much. I rode the bus to and from school everyday. Luckily, Lance rode the same bus and I noticed him from the start. He had a smile that stretched for miles and no matter how bad I was feeling, he always made me laugh. Every time I saw him I could swear that the stars shined just for him. I was in love at first sight. At first, he didn't notice me. It was at least two weeks after I started school and was riding the bus that he finally noticed me...I always sat in the back of the bus by myself in the same seat and was quiet...I never would say a word. He used to tease me about that with his friends for at least a month after he noticed me. Everyday day I would get teased by him and his friends. Then, one day, the teasing stopped. The next thing I knew, he gave me his phone number so that I could call him and we could be friends.

I didn't wait too long to call him after I got home. He was waiting by the phone(he told me once)so that when I called he could answer it. I called him and we talked for at least two hours. I remember this just like it was yesterday. We talked and we laughed until we were told to get off the phone. That was it, after that day, I was totally in love with him. I think he knew that after that phone call because, just like a teenage girl I giggled and laughed at everything he said. The next day at school, we had lunch together. I asked him at lunch, "Why are you friends with me now?" He politely told me, "I saw something in you that nobody else could see and I like it." **I'm crying as I say this because the memory is still fresh in my mind.** Lance always told me that he saw a bright light that shined from my eyes that he never really saw in someone else. I had a spirit that was made of gold he would tell me later on. We became really good friends after that day, he could tell me anything and confide in me...vise versa.

We were friends for the first year that we met and then we started dating. Those were the best of times and I'll never forget them. It was Christmas time when we started dating. His mother was going to see her family in Joliet, Illinois for the Christmas holidays and she invited me to go with her and Lance and I accepted. We stayed a week at his grandmother's house. I can remember me and Lance trying to sneak off for a kiss and then his cousins kept threatening to tell on us and get us in trouble. So, when we kissed, we were very sneaky about it after that. The first movie we ever watched together was, Titanic. Titanic, when it first appeared at the theaters, was only being shown in certain states. After that, for the rest of the week, I felt like I was in heaven. Although, don't get me wrong, I couldn't wait to go back home. I enjoyed the visit with his family but, I just wasn't used to the weather up North. So, after a week of singing carols, laughing and eating turkey, we came back home. We continued to date for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, it didn't last long. When he broke it off with me, I was terribly unhappy...but, I knew I still had a friend in him and that was all that counted. My mother always told me that boyfriends come and boyfriends go but friends will last forever. For a long time I was heart broken that we weren't dating anymore but, I never let the sadness show...at least not to him. I was just happy I still had a friend in him.

Here is a poem that I wrote to display the feelings I had for him then...I still feel this way every time I see a photo of him or just simply remember him. My memories are still so fresh.

EVERYWHERE I GO

Everywhere I go
I see your handsome face
And every time you look at me
My mind begins to race

Everywhere I go
I see your charming eyes
And every time you wink at me
My spirit starts to rise

Everywhere I go
I see your gorgeous smile
And every time you speak to me
It makes my life worthwhile

Everywhere I go
I know you're by my side
And every time you hold me close
I feel both our hearts collide

Dawn Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn Kilby

The first time I saw you, your eyes glistened wildly,
An explosion went off in my heart!
I yearned for your friendship, eagerly and tentively...
With pure expectation.

You had a smile that greatly enchanted my life,
Causing fireworks to enlighten my spirit!
I loved you from that very moment, so passionately...
With a gratifying desire.

The last time I saw you, I never could imagine,
Gut wrenching feelings came over me!
I didn't see what you were going through, restlessly...
You showed a dying rawness from within.

You called one day and expressed your love,
Inevitable, devastating blows to my soul!
I wished I had another day with you, limitlessly...
With heart popping moments of laughter.

I can't wait to see you, in the glorious heaven above,
With blissfull contentment and calling my name!
You come close to take my hand, reassuring me...
That we'll be together forever.

Dawn D. Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn D. Kilby

A new girl came to our school from Japan. Her name was Kanako and she was the sweetest girl that we'd ever known. We became friends with her instantly. She came to our school as an exchange student. The whole time that she was friends with us we could'nt help but enjoy her stories of Japan. We helped her with the slang of where we lived and how to say some words that she couldn't say because her language didn't recognize it. I can remember one day finding out that there was a Japanese word for skank. There was a girl at our school that was considered the school skank and we asked Kanako how to say skank in Japanese. Low and behold, there was a word. I don't remember how to spell the American word for skank but I believe the word is pronounced, mini-kwa-nut. That was a hoot when she told us that.

Anyways, for the entire year that she was at our school, we hung out and called each other just about everyday. Lance even dated Kanako for about a month. I was a little jealous but I liked Kanako and had so much fun with her. Then, came time for prom. It was my prom and I couldn't wait to ask Lance if he'd go with me. Well, I called him up one day and asked him and of course he said yes. Then, I thought of Kanako. She wasn't going to the prom because of the strict rules that her American family had set for her...she couldn't go by herself. So, me and Lance called her American parents and asked them if she could go with us and they said yes. It was set, we were all going to prom together that year. Me, Kanako and Lance went to my prom together. It was indeed a blast!

At the end of that year, unfortunately, Kanako had to go back home to Japan. Although she was gone, we still kept in contact with her. We truely missed her and the good times that we shared together.

The next year, 1997, we had another exchange student come to our school and her name was Monika from Puerto Rico. We had our good times with Monika just like we did with Kanako. That year was Lance's prom and he asked me and Monika to go with him. Of course we both said yes. Just like my prom with Lance and Kanako, Lance's prom with me and Monika was a blast as well. Then, like all good things, they must come to an end...unfortunately, Monika went back home to Puerto Rico.

I was graduated in the year of 1996 and Lance graduated in the year of 1997...I was still head over heals for Lance. After we graduated, he was supposed to go to college. I had other plans...I wanted to get back together with him again. For a long time he told me to wait until after we got out of high school and graduated to get back together. After we broke up that year, we stayed friends but I always was still in love with him. I loved him as a friend but I also loved him differently than a friend. I wanted something more with him after we graduated. For a year after he graduated, I waited for him to come around again and I was surprised by what he told me...he finally came out of the closet(as he called it)and told me he was gay. He's always been gay and always will be. I was shocked and devastated at the same time. At first I didn't believe him, I was in denial.

A dark, purple rose
Is a symbol of my love
For you...on this day.
I place it above your head
While you're sleeping, forever.

You look so peaceful
As you lay there...very still.
I'm stroking your hair
And singing to you quietly...
I wish you could see me now.

You took a huge piece
Of my heart when you left me,
I need it back, please...
The day that you passed away
A part of me died inside.

Please come back to me,
I want you with me again.
Babe, when you return,
Bring the purple rose with you
And share it's beauty with me.

Dawn D. Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn D. Kilby

When I first found out that Lance was gay, I was so upset. It took me a long time to accept the fact that he was gay. I didn't have a problem with gays, I just didn't want him to be gay...afterall, I thought we would get together after he graduated. He used to tell me that he wanted to wait until we were out of school before we got together again. So, I waited and then we were both graduated. One night we were talking for hours and I asked him if we were going to get together as he promised. Well, he said that he wanted to go to college first and get an education. Frustrated, I tried to tell him that we could hook up again and I wouldn't stand in his way of going to school. He could go to college and be with me at the same time. The best of two worlds, I thought...well, it didn't happen like that. Lance eventually talked me into just being friends until after he went to college and possibly graduated. I loved, especially as a friend, so I agreed...although, I wasn't happy about it.

Lance went to college but he didn't stay very long. I can remember so many nights while he was still in school that I would call him and try to talk him into hooking up with me again. Finally, one day Lance called me and said that we needed to talk...oh boy! I was in for a shock. That night, I can remember so vividly, I'll never forget. Lance was calm but he was teary-eyed. He told me that what he was about to tell me he was afraid that I wouldn't be his friend anymore if I knew. For a while, he kept beating 'round the bush but eventually he started telling me the big secret...he said in a low voice, "I am gay." At first, I didn't believe what I was hearing. I thought that I was mistaken by what I'd heard so I leaned in towards his face and asked him to say it again. He did..."I'm gay." Then, I was in shock. I didn't know what to say after that and all of a sudden the huge tears came rollin' down my cheeks...all I could say was, "Why! Why! Why!" "I don't believe you!" "You're jokin' with me...you gotta be." I'll never forget that day, I was devastated. I thought I was being told that so that he didn't have to hook up with me again or he had found someone else. Lance waited for a lil' bit and then said calmly, "Please listen...please understand." By then, I couldn't see anything because of the tears in my eyes. So, I listened.

Lance begin to tell me how he had always been gay and he was so afraid of someone laughing at him or bullying him if he ever said anything. So, throughout high school he told everyone that he was straight and he acted straight. That was the funny thing about it all...I never, for once, had a clue that he was gay. I was naive then but some of his friends would later say that they kind of thought something was up. Plus, I was blinded by love...God, he was gorgeous and had a smile that would melt snow! He was so talented. He used to perform at school in high school drama club. He even sang...the moment that I fell in love with him was when he sang the song, I'll have a blue Christmas...without you!" Talk about your heart bleeding with love! Anyways, he had said too that he knew how I felt about him and that he was afraid to say anything for fear of hurting me and losing my friendship. Yeah, at first I was pissed off. I felt betrayed. I told him that I needed to think about it, to give me time to clear my eyes. Lance agreed. He left that night to go back home.

No lie, for a long time I was angry, depressed, sad and hopeless over the fact that Lance was gay. You know what? Even though I was going through some mental torment, I still loved him as a friend...a best friend. I remember my mother telling me once that guys come and guys go but friends are forever. I had the whole night to think it over before he called the next day. He came over to my house and we talked for a few more hours. He was crying as he said, "I'm so sorry if I hurt you, I didn't mean to." "Please forgive me." I then said, "Forgive you for what?" "Yeah, I'm hurt but at least you were honest with me now and didn't let me go on thinking that you were still gonna hook up with me...at least you didn't make me wait longer." "I have nothing to forgive you for, you feel the way that you feel and that's not your fault." Plus, I told him how he was my best friend and that nothing could ever take that away. Lance then leaned in and kissed me on the cheek and told me, "Thanks for understanding...that's why I chose you as a friend so many years ago." I asked him why he said that and he said, "I knew from day one that you were special and like I said before, the stars shined from your eyes and I could tell you were very open-minded." "I always knew you would accept me one day for who I am and how I feel...I was right."
**Of course, Lance was always right...he was an Aquarian and we used to fight all the time over who was right. Every time, I lost the fight...lol.**

From then on, we were the best of friends and inseperable.

An illusion was your creation
You danced with a dedication
That caused a relaxation
And a sweet sensation
Of celebration
With elation
To a crowd
In awe of
You.

You are a beauty, Miss Julia Blake!
You would never make a mistake
When you let your body shake
I could feel an earthquake
Everytime you'd make;
For gracious sake!
The crowd beg
For more,
Babe!

Dawn D. Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn D. Kilby

My poem, The Beauty of Illusion, is written in nonet style. Nonet consists of nine lines with the first line containing nine syllables, the next eight, so on until the last line has one syllable. Nonets can be written about any subject, and rhyming is optional.

I can feel your breath
against the nape of my neck.
While you were sleeping,
I rolled around to watch you
with a rose in both my hands.

I know you're dreaming
by the way you toss and turn.
Then, you would hold me
and softly speak my name.
I reveled in your beauty!

I can hear your thoughts
as I concentrate on you.
We share a sweet bond
that will last eternally...
We will always be soul mates!

Dawn D. Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn D. Kilby

The photo to the right is of Lance and my late chihuahua, Rambo Dolittle. Lance and Rambo were buddies right from the start. Every time that Lance came to visit, Rambo would jump up into his lap and lick his face. When Lance entered my house, Rambo's tail always wagged 90 miles per hour. When Lance didn't come around, you could tell it would bother Rambo. Especially after Lance died. Lance died in the year 2006 and then my beloved chihuahua died two years after. Rambo had advanced diabetes and then his liver quit functioning and he died. So, now I don't have either one of them to brighten up my day. Although, the memories of them both still stay fresh in my heart and mind.

Lance's fav. pet was a dog and he cherished Rambo the entire time that he was alive and vise versa. So, the Humane Society is what I chose to donate to because of Lance's love for animals and also because of Rambo and everyone else's furbabies that they love.

The Lonely Ace of Hearts
my first and last love, Lance Ewens, 1979-2006
She's remembering
The day that she fell for him...
It was in Autumn
When she first transfixed her eyes
Upon the most gorgeous face
That she'd ever seen...
He smiled at her with a charm
That glistened so bright,
It melted her heart like snow.
They became friends instantly.
Their friendship would grow
And thus, blossom into love...
They spent every day
With each other mirthfully
Until that last fateful night...
A bitter, rough wind
Stole her one true love away.
Her heart always breaks
When she holds the ace of hearts.
It remains a painful token
Of the love that she once had.

Dawn Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn Kilby

Kathy,
dry your sad eyes,
and surrender your pain.
Your sweet son is safe with God
above.

No more
does he linger
in the havoc of life.
His melancholy soul is free
at last.

Kathy,
remember him
for his magnetic smile.
Cherish the memories you have
of Lance.

Always
understand this,
Lance no longer suffers.
HE NOW DANCES AND SINGS FOR THE
ANGELS.

Dawn D. Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn D. Kilby

You stare straight at me
And illuminate my life
With your hazel eyes...
You say to me, "I miss you!"
Then, you embrace me so tight.

Dawn Kilby
Copyright ©2009 Dawn Kilby