Lawyer Jokes Without Getting Sued
So what are the odds of having an entire squidoo page full of lawyer jokes - without having some butthole attorney suing me to take them down? Ok, well the odds are pretty slim, since it's not against the law, so I figure why not. So, without further ado, I present my collection of funny lawyer jokes.
Oh yea, one more thing, feel free to sign the guestbook with your own lawyer jokes. I can't post them all, obviously - so maybe you can help. And if you're really bored, you can read more jokes at F&J or go back to our main Squidoo jokes page. And no, that's not me in the picture. It's the unfrozen caveman lawyer. He's the man.
Oh yea, one more thing, feel free to sign the guestbook with your own lawyer jokes. I can't post them all, obviously - so maybe you can help. And if you're really bored, you can read more jokes at F&J or go back to our main Squidoo jokes page. And no, that's not me in the picture. It's the unfrozen caveman lawyer. He's the man.
Let The Lawyer Jokes Flow
I'm gonna try to post only funny lawyer jokes, but that's really relative to who's doing the reading. If they suck, be sure to tell me. I like being made fun of.
Ok, I've got so many really good lawyer jokes I've decided to list them all by category now. We've got question and answer, a trial story joke, and a handful of shark... I mean lawyer jokes. Yea, pretty cool. Enjoy.
Hommage To Lawyers
Please don't sue me, here's some lawyer stuff. Check it out.
Should You Really Be A Lawyer?: The Guide To Smart Career Choices Before, During & After Law School
Amazon Price: $21.95 (as of 07/10/2009) 
Blind Lady Justice Statue Lawyer Gift
Amazon Price: $32.50 (as of 07/10/2009)
Hartmann J Reserve Business Cases Lawyers Brief Beltin
Amazon Price: $995.00 (as of 07/10/2009)
A Lawyer Walks Into a Bar...
Amazon Price: $22.49 (as of 07/10/2009)
The New Yorker Book of Lawyer Cartoons
Amazon Price: $8.00 (as of 07/10/2009)
Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q: Why did God make snakes before lawyers?
A: For practice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice (unless he's reading this Squidoo Lens, in which case we're just kidding).
A: For practice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice (unless he's reading this Squidoo Lens, in which case we're just kidding).
The Devil's Offer
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment, and finally asked, "What's the catch?"
The lawyer thought for a moment, and finally asked, "What's the catch?"
Political Corruption Trial
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Lawyer Fees
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Yea, it's mine."
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Yea, it's mine."
More On Attorney Fees
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now what's your third question?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now what's your third question?"
Lawyer Jokes Feedback
Leave your own Lawyer Jokes in the guestbook below, else the unfrozen caveman lawyer will sue you!
JaguarJulie wrote...
Ha ha ha -- attorneys fees -- that's funny and really spot-on! These days, doctors are getting to be just as bad. Another great humor lens. Have you submitted your lenses to ChefKeems funniest lensmaster lens?
Posted November 03, 2008
by mdvaldosta
I have entirely too much to say, in fact most people wouldn't want to hear all of it. In fact, I don't even want to hear all of it. Wait, what? (more)
