Leadership and Self-Deception: Is it Normal to Treat People Like Machines?
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One Core Idea Explains Why We Struggle with Others and Sabotage Ourselves
I've known the work of the Arbinger Institute for years. Arbinger's ideas are profound, with deep and sweeping implications for organizations."
- Stephen R. Covey
Leadership and Self-Deception is an extraordinary book that I read a few years ago. This book is published by the Arbinger Institute.
This book introduces ideas that can be used to transform our relationships, and therefore, our entire lives.
I don't expect every moment that I spend with another person to be extraordinary.
But so many of our moments are tainted with a deep negativity that poisons our relationships.
And when we are not overtly negative, there are many times when we live a cold existence, like machines, and relate to other people as machines or objects, without feeling or significance.
As a beginning, ask yourself the following questions:
How would you feel toward someone who treats you like a machine, or object? Would you want to work with her? Would you do everything you can to help him succeed in his goals, or would you try to sabotage him? Would you treat her with respect? Would you encourage others to cooperate with him?
Leadership and Self-Deception is about the ways in which I come to treat a person (and even myself) as an object, how this hurts everyone, and how I sabotage my pursuit of what's truly important to me.
This book asserts that this core idea is the whole explanation for struggle and self-sabotage. I don't agree.
But it's a huge part of the explanation. In this lens we'll summarize the idea, and supplement it with what we think are some of the missing pieces.
(Disclaimer: Some of these ideas are a bit subtle. This lens is just an introduction to these ideas. The book has numerous examples, and explains these ideas much more thorougly then I can in one lens. I'm not associated with the Arbinger Institute in any way, and this lens is my attempt to represent their ideas. They have not reviewed or approved my lens.)
Self-Deception Resources on Amazon
3
Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves by C. Terry Warner
An earlier book which introduces the ideas, by one more...1 point
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6
The Tragedy of Living in the Box
The "in-the-box" mindset looks at people as objects, out there, and different/inferior to us.
I can't possibly care about an object.
- I may ignore it, if it's of no use to me.
- I may attack it, if it seems dangerous or threatening toward me.
- I may try to use it or possess it, if it seems desirable.
Wanting an object, because it's valuable to me at the moment, is far different than finding intrinsic value in a person, simply because she's a human being. Valuing an object is not the same as caring about a person.
Unfortunately, we live in this world of objects much of the time.
This mindset is deeper than external behavior.
We can do almost any behavior in or out-of-the-box. But the difference determines our success in an organization and our ability to influence people. It's at the heart of people problems.
People are sensitive to how we feel about them. Do we treat someone well because we care about her, or because she has something we want?
On the outside, I might be acting the same as I would if I truly cared for her, but my feelings are dramatically different.
If I try to get what I want by doing things for a person, but inside I don't care about him, eventually he'll feel it, and it will damage or destroy the relationship.
The only reason that we don't go running from people who treat us like objects, is because that behavior is so common, and because, tragically, we've adopted that behavior ourselves!
And we've learned to deceive ourselves. We tell ourselves lies about ourselves and others to justify our behavior.
Getting Into The Box: Self-Betrayal
How do we get into the box and start looking at people as objects?
We're not saints, but we often feel the right way to act towards others. We have feelings that honor the humanity of others.
Also, I may have a feeling about how to use my time so that I honor the dreams and passions which are most important to me.
Sometimes, I'm able to act on the feelings I have toward another person.
Alternatively, I might betray what "I" feel is right.
Why do I dishonor the feelings that I have toward others, or toward myself (my dreams and passions)?
When I look at myself after I've dishonored my feelings, and I'm ashamed that I've denied what's right, I look for a way to justify my actions. This often leads to me dishonoring the feelings again.
Much of the book is about the ways in which we justify our poor choices, and the negative consequences that our justification has for our relationships and our goals.
Self-Betrayal, Part 2
Here are other reasons why I betray myself that aren't mentioned in the book.
Sometimes I bury the feelings, so I can chase after some desirable thing that another part of me wants, typically a part of me that looks at the world as objects.
There are many parts to me. The physical parts with their built in drives operate according to the "logic" of objects. These parts of me are not good or bad, but they operate in a way that is indifferent to the humanity of others.
It gets more complicated.
The book points out that we have conflicting demands on our time and resources. I can't personally do all the things that I feel are the "right" things to do.
The book doesn't discuss the self-deception that arises when I face myself and my practical limitations. I could continue to care, even though I'm limited in what I can do. I could find others to help.
So what happens when we're faced with the tension between our feelings and our ability to help?
We make the feelings go away.
We search for reasons to make others unworthy of help. We unconsciously provoke others to act in ways that make them "unworthy" in our eyes.
Dream passionate dreams that seem larger than your current abilities.
Care more than your ability to help.
These are the signs of greatness, and will carry you into an extraordinary future.
Quotes on Self-Deception and Truth
1
George Orwell
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.2 points
2
Gandhi
Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected2 points
3
Demosthenes
Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.1 point
4
Virginia Woolfe
If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.1 point
5
Robert Kennedy
The greatest truth must be recognition that in every man, in every child is the potential for greatness.1 point
6
Blaise Pascal
We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart1 point
Deep In The Box: Sabotaging and Blaming Others
Justification
After I betray my recognition of another's humanity, I try to justify that behavior. I lie to myself rather than face an unpleasant truth.
Each of us is full of inner contradictions, but I don't like to acknowledge or feel those contradictions.
I find ways to justify what I've already done. I strengthen the "rightness" of my choice so much, that the contradictory and haunting feelings all but disappear.
This is the essence of self-deception. I hide from poor decisions that I've made, and pretend that the decision was perfect, or at least appropriate.
If I continue to act in ways that support that earlier decision (and I often do), I'm in a difficult position. I don't want to admit that my earlier decision was misguided.
I need to find ways to justify my new behavior.
If I were to start questioning my current behavior, I might start questioning earlier behavior.
Who knows where that might lead?
So how do I justify treating others like objects and machines?
I need to rewrite reality in order that the other people deserve my rough, uncaring behavior.
I find ways to explain the behavior of other people, that makes them unworthy.
Then, almost any behavior toward them is justified.
Blame, Part 2
Trying to Change Others
Let's say I notice some problematic behavior in a child, a loved one, a co-worker. Part of me says that it's wrong, and I want to change it.
But another part of me is pleased with that bad behavior because I can look at them as wrong, and be justified in my poor behavior toward them.
If I ask them to change, and in that moment I'm filled with looking at them as wrong, as some broken object that needs to be fixed, what do you think the result will be?
They'll feel that I don't care about them.
If I have tremendous power over that person, maybe they'll listen. But I'll be the uncaring "bad guy", and that person will be looking for an opportunity to pay me back.
More likely, they'll respond in some rough, angry way, and I'll have more justification for my behavior toward him.
"I just wanted to help", I'll tell myself, "and look at the angry way that he responded."
Provoking Others to Behave Badly
Others don't always act badly toward me on their own. Sometimes I have to help them treat me badly, so I can see them as wrong, and continue to treat them as objects.
How do I "help" them?
When I treat other people as objects, I unconsciously provoke them to act in undesirable ways towards me.
Their bad behavior confirms the lies that I've been telling myself that the other people are undeserving of good treatment, kindness, good feelings, etc.
Their "bad behavior" justifies my acting toward them as objects and machines.
Introduction to Box Styles: Key Behavior Patterns while I'm in-the-box
There are 4 common patterns of behavior when I'm stuck in an in-the-box mindset. Each of these "boxes" is outlined in modules following this one.
Being familiar with these can help me to recognize what I'm doing, and look for a way out.
Some justification boxes/styles make people act ineffectively soft or compliant. Other styles make people act ineffectively hard or dominating.
When people start to get out of the box, therefore, their behavior might starting getting tougher or softer.
It's not, as one might think, that seeing others as people means that we will be more "agreeable". We might start respectfully asserting what we know to be right.
(These box styles are described in detail inanother Arbinger book: The Anatomy of Peace)
BETTER-THAN Box
BETTER-THAN Box
- How do I View Myself?
- Superior
- Important
- Virtuous
- Right
- How do I View Others?
- Inferior
- Incapable/irrelevant
- False/wrong
- What's My View of the World?
- Competitive
- Troubled
- Needs me
- Associated Negative Feelings:
- Impatient
- Disdainful
- Indifferent
I-DESERVE Box
I-DESERVE Box
- How do I View Myself?
- Meritorious
- Mistreated/Victim
- Unappreciated
- How do I View Others?
- Mistaken
- Mistreating
- Ungrateful
- What's My View of the World?
- Unfair
- Unjust
- Owes me
- Associated Negative Feelings:
- Entitled
- Deprived
- Resentful
MUST-BE-SEEN-AS Box
MUST-BE-SEEN-AS Box
- How do I View Myself?
- Need to be well thought of
- Fake
- How do I View Others?
- Judgmental
- Threatening
- My Audience
- What's My View of the World?
- Dangerous
- Watching
- Judging Me
- Associated Negative Feelings:
- Anxious/afraid
- Needy/stressed
- Overwhelmed
WORSE-THAN Box
WORSE-THAN Box
- How do I View Myself?
- Not as good
- Broken/deficient
- Fated
- How do I View Others?
- Advantaged
- Privileged
- Blessed
- What's My View of the World?
- Hard/difficult
- Against me
- Ignoring me
- Associated Negative Feelings:
- Helpless
- Jealous/bitter
- Depressed
Getting Out of the Box: Leveraging Healthy Relationships
How do we break out of the in-the-box, people as objects mindset?
Each of us has memories, experiences, and relationships where we have out-of-the-box experiences.
When we recognize that our relationship with someone needs work, we should remember our out-of-the-box experiences.
This will help us think in a more balanced way. From this vantage point, we can review our troubled relationship, and ask ourselves some revealing questions:
- Does my blame help another person get better?
- How can I focus on what I can do to help others, rather than what they are doing wrong?
- What have I done in my relationship to provoke others to treat me as an object?
There's no question that thinking about how I've contributed to the problem is hard for me. It's easy to focus on how I've been provoked, and what everyone's done to me.
It's hard to look at myself as a contributor/source of the problem.
But there's an amazing aspect to accepting responsibility for the problem.
If I'm responsible, then I can initiate change.
The greatest influence that I can have on the world is to change myself. Each of us has the greatest influence on others when we lead by example, not by pushing them to do something.
Getting Out of the Box: From Danger to Challenge
One of the ways that we get into the box is through a world view which looks at the whole world as menacing and dangerous.
When I feel threatened, I readily slip into the box.
When an action, insult, or event reminds me of countless past events in my life that have made me feel small, weak, hurt, or powerless -- I feel that I'm threatened.
One of the key ways to get out of the box more often, and to stay out of the box is to understand more about my fears, and work to overcome them.
Read the blog entries that follow (War, Parts 1-3) for some greater perspective on how our inner struggles bring disorder into our outer relationships:
Fearless Dreams: At War with Myself
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byFearless Dreams: The Story of You
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byFearless Dreams: At War with Others
Fetching RSS feed... please stand bySummary of Self-Betrayal and In-the-Box Mindset
- An act contrary to our own sense of what we ought to do for another is called self-betrayal.
- When I betray myself, I begin to see myself in a way that justifies my betrayal.
- When I see a self-justifying world, my view of
reality becomes distorted. - Inflate others faults
- Inflate my virtue
- Inflate the value of things that justify my self-betrayal
- Blame.
- Self-betrayal is how we enter the box. I can feel the self-betrayal when I first enter the box, but I may stay there for a while, and the feeling of self-betrayal fades.
- Over time certain boxes (focusing on self-justification) becomes habitual and I carry them with me. We divide people into two groups: those who reinforce my self-justifying images and those who threaten them.
- By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box.
- In the box, I think others have a problem (and maybe they do), but I also have a problem, and it's my problem that I need to focus on.
- We invite mutual mistreatment and invite mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box.
Getting Out of the Box: The Power of Wonder
One of the lies that we tell ourselves is that we can behave badly in one part of our life without affecting other parts of our lives.
For example, I might pretend that I'm in control of myself and my spiritual development, even though I behave badly toward nasty people.
If I allow myself to treat some people like objects or machines, then the mindset will spread like a virus, until I find that I'm treating myself like a machine.
I stop caring about my dreams and powerful feelings, and focus solely on how to be efficient and productive. (Don't get me wrong. Organization and getting things done is great, when we're focused on what's really important to us)
Another way to counter our downward spiral into the world of machines is to find ways to refresh, renew, and reveal our sense of wonder.
What opens your heart, and makes you feel both small and big at the same time?
- The pure smile of a child?
- The ocean at sunset?
- A thunderstorm?
- Looking into the eyes of a beloved friend?
Find whatever it takes to shake you out of your machine-like habits and restore that sense of wonder.
Make time for wonder, and you'll never be the same.
Fearless Dreams articles on the ways we hide from ourselves
Fetching RSS feed... please stand byArticles on Self-Deception from Ezine Articles
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